Any Advice

[PB22]

Hey Guys,

I have been with my girlfriend for 15 months now. We are in a long term relationship as well as a long distance relationship (2 hours away in NYC). Everything has been perfect up untill the last month or 2. We used to always talk about how in love we are and our futures together with starting a family. Recently she has expressed to me that things are "different" and do not feel the same as they were when we started our relationship. She was telling me how she feels that sometimes It does not seem like i appreciate the things she does for me or am happy for her when nice things happen in her life. She feels like she is putting more of an effort in the relationship than I am. The thing is that I do appreciate it when she does nice things and am happy for her when something great happens for her. She also expressed to me that when we have sex it does not feel good for her and we are not connecting on that level. There is no "spark" anymore she told me. She no longer has an interest it seems for sexual intimacy even though I do and it is frustrating. When we started, we connected on every level so much and could not keep our hands off eachother. She asked me where the relationship is going as well and she feels like we were not spending any time with our other friends that we have. Now I feel like we have become just "good friends" that love eachother, not the hot passionate love-flowing couple that we were. We are both commited to one another and are commited to work on things and not throw away 15 months of love. I love her and do not want to lose her but i feel like we are spinning our tires in the mud and its really frustrating. What do you think I should do? If you guys have any ideas or imput please let me know!

Thanks Guys,

PB22

 

[penkitten]

you can either walk away gracefully or you can try one more time to rekindle the spark. depending on your foundation and where you really see the relationship going. it sounds like she has already thought it threw or she wouldnt have told you all of this. it also sounds like she might be feeling a spark with someone else.

better to know all of this now, and as painful as it is, make a wise chioce for yourself. i would much rather go out and find me someone that cant get enough of me rather than stay with someone who no longer wants me at all.
(sexually)

if you have become "good friends" you can always maintain a friendship even if you break up.

 

[squirrels]

What did you have going for you before in your relationship? Besides the sex.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

It's time to let go of your invisible friend

There is no such thing as an LDR, because you have no relationship. An LDR simply does not meet the criteria necessary for it to be considered a relationship. There is no reciprocity of anything more than words passing over a phone line or an IM text. Understand me here – you have no relationship. You have self-assumed accountability, self-assumed liability and internalized responsibilities to be loyal to this person, to fidelity to this idealization, and dropping what everyone outside of your LDR will regularly tell you is insanity, is a personal affront and anathema to this stupid and most insidious form of ONEitis.

LDRs are the most easily identifiable form of ONEitis and it would be laughable if it weren't so damaging to a guy's life progression. The LDR man would sacrifice years of his life in this pitiable effort to pursue his 'soulmate' across the planet or even a hundred miles away. The very thought of refuting the idea that an LDR can work is equal to denying his belief this stupid, fantasized ONEitis fueled idealization that he's swallowed for the better part of his life.?It’s easy to criticize an LDR in the terms of questioning either party's earnestness and fidelity in entertaining an LDR and this is usually the tact that most people giving advice on LDRs follow. One or both parties are or will 'cheat' on the other over the course of time, its true, but LDRs are far more telling of a mentality that results in much more damaging consequences as a result of deeply conditioned self-expectations and fears.

I can't begin to list the number of otherwise intelligent and ambitious men I’ve known who've drastically altered the course of their lives to follow their ONE. Men who've changed their majors in college, who've selected or switched universities, men who've applied for jobs in states they would never have considered, accepted jobs that are sub-standard to their ambitions or qualifications, men who've renounced former religions and men who've moved across the planet all in an effort to better accommodate an idealized woman with whom they've played pseudo-boyfriend over the course of an LDR only to find that she wasn't the person they thought she was and were depressive over the gravity that their decisions played in their lives.

An LDR is akin to an LJBF, but writ large and festering in a man's life. You play surrogate boyfriend, voluntarily accepting and internalizing all of the responsibilities and accountabilities of being a woman's exclusive, monogamous partner with no expectation of reciprocating intimacy or sexuality. It is the ideal situation for a woman in the same manner a Booty Call is for a man - all sex with no expectations of monogamy or commitment. However an LDR is worse than a LJBF arrangement since it pervasively locks a man into a success or failure mentality with regards to the relationship actually being legitimate. Afterall, she's agreed to be his girlfriend (from miles away) and if he's the one to falter it's his lack of perseverance in this silly ONEitis ego-investment that dooms them. Once the LDR inevitably ends he's the one left with the self-doubt, he's the one beating himself up over wasting time, money and effort and he's the one feeling guilty whether he or she is the 'cheater'.

An LDR is like having an invisible friend with whom you're constantly considering the course of your actions with. Consider the personal, romantic, familial, educational, ambition-wise, business-wise, personally maturity and growth opportunities that you've limited yourself from or never had a chance to experience because of this invisible friend. When you finally divorce yourself from this invisible friend, will it have all been worth it? Guys cling to LDRs because they've yet to learn, in POOK's inimitable words, that Rejection is better than Regret. AFCs will nurse along an LDR for years because it seems the better option when compared with actually going out and meeting new women who are potential rejection. They think its better to stick with the 'sure thing' than risk possible rejection, but it's the long term regret that is the inevitable result of an LDR that is life damaging. Nothing reeks of desperation or verifies a lack of confidence more than a guy who self-righteously proclaims he's in an LDR. Women see you coming a mile off, because you are a guy without options. In fact the only reason a man entertains an LDR is due to a lack of options. If you had more plates spinning an LDR would never look like a good idea. And finally, I'm sure I'll see the "not in my case" defense posted here about how you actually DO see your invisible friend once every 4 or six months. To this I'll say again, what opportunities are you censoring yourself from experiencing by playing house with a woman you only see this often? Do you honestly think you're the exception to the rule? I'm sure you do.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

Is two hours apart really a LDR?? To me, 2 hours is nothing... (Maybe I drive I-4 way too much, LOL)

PB22 - How often you and your lover have quality time together?

 

[Hitman10000]

Yo man, here are things you should know about good/bad relationships:

Bad relationships tend to have bad sex, bad communication, and the person's appearance is a mismatch for your appearance.

Good relationships tend to have good sex, good communication, and the person's appearance is a match for your appearance.

If it's bad, it's bad and from what this girl has told you, it's bad. I would suggest breaking up asap and improving on oneself before going further into the future.

 

[Vulpine]

Posts: 1

Start at the beginning: "How to use this site".

 

[Kings_royalty]

She also expressed to me that when we have sex it does not feel good for her and we are not connecting on that level. There is no "spark" anymore she told me. She no longer has an interest it seems for sexual intimacy even though I do and it is frustrating. When we started, we connected on every level so much and could not keep our hands off eachother. She asked me where the relationship is going as well and she feels like we were not spending any time with our other friends that we have.

Her interest level has gone down to zero bro, the rest is just 'fluff' talk. She's trying to come up with a bunch of reasons (real or made up) to break things off with you.

Tell her she brought up some really good points and that you totally agree with her, she won't expect it. Then, break it off with 'her' first, watch how she reacts, this will tell you what the 'real' story is.

She was telling me how she feels that sometimes It does not seem like i appreciate the things she does for me or am happy for her when nice things happen in her life. She feels like she is putting more of an effort in the relationship than I am.

I love the way girls try to flip it around, trying to make you feel guilty and put the blame else where (other than herself).


We are both commited to one another and are commited to work on things and not throw away 15 months of love.

It sounds like a one way street now bro, you need to let things go.