Am I on the right track?

[BuccGuy]

Hi, I've worked with this girl for over 10 years and have been friends. She recently divorced and I made my move but got the LJBF (naturally I guess, pretty AFC). She then started hanging out with another guy at work and I got pissy (I know, bad move, bad case of oneitis).
I got so pissy with her she left work early. I told her to call me. She did and we talked. She wanted to be friends and I said "No, we will be co-workers and work well together but I can't be your friend anymore".
Well, I followed this sites advice and have started dating a new girl and thats going good. But I'm not totally over the first girl so when she came in today I only talked business to her. She tried a couple of times to get me to open up but I didn't. I also watched my tone, to make sure it wasn't hateful, just pleasant and all business.
She's an AW who everyone MUST love that's for sure, but I don't want to give her attention that she craves.
I only desire one of two outcomes.

1. Get her to see me as a mate, not friend. Show her I'm the strong, no-crap taking leader. It doesn't hurt that I'm the 'team leader' of the team shes in.

2. Stick to business. We only talk about work related stuff, if she wants to get her arse kissed let others do it.
(Current situation)

I feel really good about our new situation (2) and if (1) shows up that will be fantastic.

Am I wrong? I just want the power to choose our outcome 1 of 2 ways. I never want to go back to friends and confusion.

Thanks for reading, any comments welcome.

 

[smoke city]

man, you'd like to undo 10 YEARS of her seeing you just as a friend? that would be impressive, indeed...though unlikely.
why don't you enjoy things with the woman you already have?

 

[Socialreject]

Simply realize the truth...

The only person you have power over is yourself. That's it, in basics.

You cannot control her nor the outcome of your interactions. You wanted to bone her, she evaluated and compared you to her standards and decided it wasn't going to happen. Naturally, and very typically, she offered to be friends to avoid any nasty side effects her rejection may have on your professional relationship...

You want my advice? Drop it down to acquaintance! Keep it casual, don't make it into a weird thing. She will appreciate that for sure and if you are really going to be a powerful man then you don't need to keep punishing her for rejecting you.

So next time you see her you say 'hi', smile and do whatever you did those past ten years. This way you show her that her rejection didn't hurt you in any way and that your interest in her was in fact genuine... although now that she has stated that her interest in you only goes as far as what you already have, you need to stop any form of courtship. You've moved on, you were interested in more, she wasn't, that's it...

Why can't you be her friend anymore? You were for 10 years! What's the big deal all of a sudden? You can't be friends with a woman you don't sleep with? What kind of crap is that?!

Unless you were doing here special favors because of your romantic interest before, there is no need to change anything about the way you've been interacting the past decade.

It probably wasn't a big thing for her to reject you, so why should you make a big thing out of it? This shows you as weak and childish. Nono, the rejection was no big deal, you were curious and interested. You mailed her an offer, she declined, fine, np, onto the next customer.

I don't understand why you take this so hard in the first place. Unless you have been fantasising about her for a long time and waiting way way to long to ask her out, this shouldn't be a big deal.

Remember, this a co-worker. It's much more in your favor if you keep pleasant and casual relationships with your co-workers. If you were more then just co-workers before, it's in your best interest to keep it that way. Don't stay cold and distant, don't keep punishing her for rejecting you. In time she will blame herself for rejecting you and your continues punishment will fester into a dislike for you in general.

Don't be resentful, surround yourself with people who like you, LOVE you! Just remember don't cater to anyone, maintain your self respect and self worth. Learning how to accept rejections without turning into a cold and distant troll is also part of your self worth and respect...

1) the fact that you have a superior position to her is actually a GOOD thing here. Do not kiss her ass, do not grant her any special favors for being your friend. At work, you're the boss period! Whether this will make her see you as a mate rather than a colleague or friend remains to be seen but she will surely respect you if you treat her in the same manner as everyone else at work.

2) Like i said, the fact that you've known this person for over a decade complicates things, but tbh, if you had a casual friendly relationship before there is no need to change this right now.

Not changing your behavior towards her will show her that you are a strong man that handles rejections very easily and that you had no outcome in mind by asking her out. It also shows that your interest in her runs deeper then just superficial.

But uhm... I hope your not harboring anymore delusion about turning her into a mate. Although it's possible, that's pretty much in the hands of God right now. Some things can be screwed up beyond your own influence.

I understand that you don't want to go back to friends and confusion but uhm... Try not to be confused ok . She turned you down, there is no confusion. Try to think of relationships as something fluent, not something that is set in various categories and stages. She was a casual friend, you obviously were not able to turn her into something more before you popped the question and hence the outcome was 'no' and you are still casual friends. If you play this right and keep the relationship you have then two things can happen.

a) Things stay the way they are, you are casual friends and when push comes to shove at work you are her team captain end of story. She respects you for that.

b) Things stay the way they are, you are casual friends and when push comes to shove at work you are her team captain end of story. She respects you for that AND in time she may feel different, if you manage to show her that you are a strong, valuable and romantic man. (this does not mean: Kiss her ass, this means be courtious and flirty BUT no favors, no ass kissing)

Right now i think you are going with option C which is...

c) she rejects you because you failed to warm her up before you popped the question. You make a big deal out of it, become distant and cold, refuse to talk about anything but work. She figures your an ******* and was never interested in her personality in the first place. You grow apart and pretty much ruin any rapport you have built up thus far. Not to mention, you now have a colleague at work who doesn't particularly like you...

 

[Socialreject]

Originally posted by smoke city
man, you'd like to undo 10 YEARS of her seeing you just as a friend? that would be impressive, indeed...though unlikely.
why don't you enjoy things with the woman you already have?

Indeed, very well put...

After 10 years of building a picture in her mind about what 'you' means, you are now suddenly trying to change that picture over a very short period of time. If you think she is truely worth persuing then you will have to give it time, alot of time. Enough time for her to see that maybe there is someone else under there. A charming, romantic, courtious man... but this takes time because it's easy to perceive it as just an act!

What you are attempting is something extreemly difficult riddled with mousetraps. If you wanted a 'serious' shot at this woman, you should have been that charming, courtious, romantic man for the larger part of the time you've known her, then it would have been easy to turn up the over once you found out about her devorce!

Now you're like that creepy guy at work who's been waiting YEARS for the oppertunity to jump her bones without facing possible wrath from her husband!