Am I just being jealous or......

[bunjy]

Ok DJ's Ive got a bit of a situation here. Been with this chick 4 months now, things going well, we have a great time together, shes told me she loves me and shows me plenty of affection.

She works in a quiet bar out of town and has recently started telling me about this guy who drinks in there regularly. He works in the same field as me (engineering) and thats how she first mentioned him to me e.g. she said 'Oh yeah theres this guy who drinks in my work who does the same sort of stuff you do etc'. Anyway I initially thought nothing of this. But shes mentioned him a few times recently, nothing major just passing comments that shes been chatting to him (he drinks in there a fair bit). She seems to know a fair bit about this guy, how old he is, hes single, what his interests are etc. In short I think she chats to him quite abit. Now the thing that has got me is that she has said on two separate occassions that she 'really likes him' and thats hes a 'decent guy'. I know this doesnt sound good but in context its not really out of the norm for her, she has plenty of guy friends and is a chatty girl/friendly girl.

I figured although this could be a potentially bad situation Id just let it go, but she txted me before saying how shes finished her shift and is just having a drink with this guy at the bar (this was an hour ago and shes still there so shes obviously having a few drinks with him). Now of course this can be relatively innocent given she works in a small bar in which everyone know every else and the staff etc (in short its the sort of bar in which staff would have a drink with regulars after work) but Ive got this really bad feeling about this and I dont know why, maybe my gut is telling me this isnt good. Its worth pointing out that due to a bad last relationship Ive have got some sort of minor trust issues so this could just by my own issues making me paranoid.

Am I just being jealous for no reason? Im aware she could be actually trying to make me jealous herself. Also the fact shes actually telling me shes with this guy drinking makes me think it is indeed innocent as if she was up to no good she surely wouldnt be telling me. Ive not said anything to her about this as Im aware how insecure I may look.

How would you guys deal with a situation like this and jealousy in general? Its kinda new to me as Ive never been a jealous type but since my last relationship Im starting to feel jealous abit about things.

Any help much appreciated.

 

[MisterSisterFister]

I don't think one time I would be too worried I would try to make some joke about him being creepy and her attracting the weirdos so your making fun of her and showing you have more class then her.

However....

If this becomes more than an occasional occurence I would mirror her but exaggeratedly.

Ex.
Her: Hey I am just gonna stay out after work and have a drink with(dude) Ill be home soon.

You: o thats fine honey, I am out on a date with (girls name) Ill see you (whenever you see her next)

Then likely she will probably respond very fast wonder who this was what you guys were doing etc etc

Thats when you let her in on nothing and let the mystery poison her mind and eventually she will learn.

 

[bunjy]

I don't think one time I would be too worried I would try to make some joke about him being creepy and her attracting the weirdos so your making fun of her and showing you have more class then her.

However....

If this becomes more than an occasional occurence I would mirror her but exaggeratedly.

Ex.
Her: Hey I am just gonna stay out after work and have a drink with(dude) Ill be home soon.

You: o thats fine honey, I am out on a date with (girls name) Ill see you (whenever you see her next)

Then likely she will probably respond very fast wonder who this was what you guys were doing etc etc

Thats when you let her in on nothing and let the mystery poison her mind and eventually she will learn.

Yeah I figure I would probably tease her in a sort of 'dating the barflies' way about this when I see her next.

On the other hand I also think if this happens again (or I see similar stuff going on) I could do something like you suggest.

Ive mentioned to her in the past that Im not 'the jealous type' as Im usually not, so this all could be innocent with a hint of her actually trying to make me jealous.

Despite my bad feeling about it all I do think that if I played it cool and didnt rise to this sort of thing It would probably work in my favour in the long run.

 

[backbreaker]

this isn't going to be popular advice, and you probably haven't seen anything to see yet what i am about to say, but i am 100% sure i am correct.

she's gonna cheat. not beucase you are a jerk, or beucase you did something wrong.. she's just a *****.

she's a classic sunshine girl. works at a bar, loves going through the process of falling for a guy. It's not so much what you have or have not done wrong, it's that she has to get a new fix. this is what she does. the girl can't help it.

 

[bunjy]

this isn't going to be popular advice, and you probably haven't seen anything to see yet what i am about to say, but i am 100% sure i am correct.

she's gonna cheat. not beucase you are a jerk, or beucase you did something wrong.. she's just a *****.

she's a classic sunshine girl. works at a bar, loves going through the process of falling for a guy. It's not so much what you have or have not done wrong, it's that she has to get a new fix. this is what she does. the girl can't help it.

I have to admit a part of my agrees with you on this.

A number of factors give weight to this line of though, shes not been in a serious relationship for a very long time and has had a string of short term boyfriends (as far as Im aware at 4 months Im longer than usual for her). If you are indeed correct how would you suggest I proceed? Im relatively attached to her already and dont want to risk another realtionship with a nasty ending (e.g. she cheats on me). Its worth me pointing out that Ive made it clear loyalty and honesty are the most important thing for me (I told her directly) and she told me that shes never cheated and that shes loyal (although she would say this).

The only thing that makes me feel like you may be wrong is the fact that she does seem to be head over heels for me (Im pretty sure Im reading this right, she shows me plenty of affection, constant attention and does seem to be 'in love' with me).

 

[Burroughs]

Girls who like you don't mention other guys

in fact girls who like you are careful not to mention other guys.

 

[bunjy]

Girls who like you don't mention other guys

in fact girls who like you are careful not to mention other guys.

Indeed and in my experience this is correct. However I tend to mention other girls to girlfriends I have (Ive plenty of chick friends and get a fair bit of attention from the ladies) even when I like them. To some extent she could just be playing me at my own subconcious game.

How should I deal with this then? Give her time and see how it plays out?

I dont want to ruin what is (for now) an essentially good relationship for no good reason but things like this do throw up red flags for me.

 

[Burroughs]

Indeed and in my experience this is correct. However I tend to mention other girls to girlfriends I have (Ive plenty of chick friends and get a fair bit of attention from the ladies) even when I like them. To some extent she could just be playing me at my own subconcious game.

How should I deal with this then? Give her time and see how it plays out?

I dont want to ruin what is (for now) an essentially good relationship for no good reason but things like this do throw up red flags for me.

stay neutral...no need to do anything drastic at all.

Play it cool, calm, and collected.

Amused mastery is your friend....even if she is laying pipe with the other dude...who cares....you stay inwardly focused and chill and you'll get yours too.

 

[purple haze]

When she's at work and talking to this guy, that's her job, entertaining and making the customers feel welcome. There's nothing wrong with that.

However, when she finishes work and chooses to spend her own time drinking with this guy, then I would view this differently. She is hanging out with him now, just her and him, drinking, talking, laughing together. Getting drunk. I would view this as a date.

I would quietly withdraw from this girl and never contact her again. You don't need this kind of grief and worried mind. The one that's good for you won't show you these kind of warning signs.

You can do better than this, you deserve better. When a girl's actions start filling you with hurt, doubt, and uncertainty, it's time to leave and move on.

 

[backbreaker]

Girls who like you don't mention other guys

in fact girls who like you are careful not to mention other guys.

I once ****ed a girl who worked at a sports bar who told me within 5 minutes of meeting her she was married. Hell, we went on a double date with her husband and a girl I was messing around with, and I had sex with her later that night, because even though she was sitting next to her husband the only thing she could think about is how much she couldn’t stand seeing me with another girl.


Lol she introduced me as “a good customer/friend” from work lol. dumbass husband. It was actually quite brilliant on her part, she let him meet me so that when she brought my name up he would not get defensive. In essence, she eliminated the need to have to creep around. When we went to shoot pool or her and her friends and me would all go to a night club with her friends she could talk freely about it because he knew who I was and didn’t see me as a threat. Lol I was ****ing her brains out on a nightly basis.

You are only half right. Girls who feel bad about cheating on their current man won’t tell you about their current man. At a subconscious level they know they are doing something bad. Girls like this however, could give 2 ****s once the new relationship smell has worn off.

How should I deal with this then? Next her? Give her time and see how it plays out?

It’s not salvageable IMHO but she will in due time make a good booty call/ONS. The girl above and I after our little 3 or 4 week thing we had, she went and looked for a new guy to fall for, but I played it pretty smooth I mean I honestly didn’t give a **** **** she was married lol who could I.. we’d run into each other out in the bar scene and we’d **** a few times, no muss no fuss.
It’s not salvable because this girl doesn’t want to be in a real LTR. She wants to keep falling in love. You can’t salvage that.

As a full disclaimer: I am just really leery of girls who aren’t 18-21 working in bars/restaurants. They are strippers in all but name title. I’ve had a lot of experience with these girls, and every last one of them were horrible. This ***** above poked a whole in my condom because I wouldn’t stop ****ing a girl that I was ****ing before I met her with, the girl I took her on the double date with and keep in mind, she was married.
These are usually pretty trashy individuals. Unless they are like the floor manager or some **** like that, I’m out.

The woman’s act on it’s own merit isn’t that big of a deal. The act, combined with what she does for a living in combination with how things have progressed between you and her, lead me to my diagnoses. This is what she does.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

I'm with BB. She's "telling" you about him so she can cover her azz "Oh he's just a friend"...from the bar....

Dude this chick sounds like a jump off. I know too many dudes who've banged "friends" from the local bar scene in the past. Faaar too many.

The funny thing is I've even seen and heard chicks who work or hang out in bars talking about their boyfriend while the same dude talks about his wife or girlfriend like fvck buddies who don't give a fvck about each others feelings. Like it's something they just both "do". People in the bar most likely know there's something going on between them and anyone who knows you are her boyfriend etc. (but isn't completely sure about those two) has to be thinking: What kind of chick is this that has a boyfriend and is all "cozy" with this other dude....Oh wait...She works at a bar...

They most likely would feel bad for you but not give a fvck if you guys broke up and would be next to try to get a piece when they could.

Sorry dude but this chick is playing the "good girl" role by telling you about this guy but in reality she's showing her hand so to speak and seeing if you are dumb enough to overlook it. She'll keep doing what she's doing. I'd drop her ass period.

I think you're too afraid to do that as soon down the line your suspicions may turn out to be true and you'll think she found someone better.

Water always finds its own level. This chick sounds like trash.

You may want to guage her reaction next time she brings him up by telling her if he seems cool to set him up with one of her friends and see if she stops mentioning him or she makes an excuse. If she all of a sudden stops the conversation or it quickly changes to something else/ dies out...you know she thinks more of him than just a nice "customer".

 

[vatoloco]

She's spinning plates.

Are you?

 

[Naughty Ninja]

When she's at work and talking to this guy, that's her job, entertaining and making the customers feel welcome. There's nothing wrong with that.

However, when she finishes work and chooses to spend her own time drinking with this guy, then I would view this differently. She is hanging out with him now, just her and him, drinking, talking, laughing together. Getting drunk. I would view this as a date.

I would quietly withdraw from this girl and never contact her again. You don't need this kind of grief and worried mind. The one that's good for you won't show you these kind of warning signs.

You can do better than this, you deserve better. When a girl's actions start filling you with hurt, doubt, and uncertainty, it's time to leave and move on.

The above 1000%. Would YOU OP purposely try to fill her with doubt uncertainty, and hurt? Do you think she'd sit there clueless and not suspect anything? Not mention it to her friends? What would they say if it was you hanging out with a chick for a few drinks? Please! PLEASE! This chick is a hoe.

I've known faaar too many people who've hung out in small bars, holes in the wall, to covertly "operate" from their SO who were never brought into the bar while they were drinking and "mingling".

If this chick truly cared about you OP she would leave her job at the bar and find another one on her own without you ever mentioning anything, let alone staying after work for a few drinks..She won't.

I don't want to sound negative but let's look at the reality of it. She works in a BAR.

If you had more experience with friends and hanging out with them in bars you'd see sh1t that would really bring you down into how some people really are. No morals, nothing.

Like Purple Haze says: I would slowly withdraw and collect things and COMPLETELY drop out of the picture. COMPLETE GHOST.

I'm telling you from personal experience with friends with wives and girlfriends who've hung out in small bars/dives/holes in the wall. It's not a good scene for a healthy relationship.

 

[bunjy]

When she's at work and talking to this guy, that's her job, entertaining and making the customers feel welcome. There's nothing wrong with that.

However, when she finishes work and chooses to spend her own time drinking with this guy, then I would view this differently. She is hanging out with him now, just her and him, drinking, talking, laughing together. Getting drunk. I would view this as a date.

I would quietly withdraw from this girl and never contact her again. You don't need this kind of grief and worried mind. The one that's good for you won't show you these kind of warning signs.

You can do better than this, you deserve better. When a girl's actions start filling you with hurt, doubt, and uncertainty, it's time to leave and move on.

Indeed. Apparently (so she says) she was drinking with people from her work. Most likely she was drinking with the regular barflies, one of which is this guy I mention in my first post.

Its worth mentioning she does hang out a fair bit on the bar scene, she goes out drinking regularly etc so to her doing this may be 'normal' behaviour (e.g. going for drinks after work with people on the local bar scene etc). However it certainly isnt a situation Im happy about.

 

[bunjy]

This girl is stepping beyond the boundaries of her job and turning the relationship with this guy to something personal.

Cheating starts long before the zippers come undone.

Although I comepletly agree and understand yoru point. The place where she works is the sort of place in which all the staff are friendly with the customers and have drinks with them so she would be just doing what everyone else is doing. She already has plenty of friends from previous bar jobs shes had and people shes met working there so she might not see this as a big deal.

I could just be looking at this with rose tinted glasses though.

 

[purple haze]

Bunjy, in your first post she said "she is having a drink with this guy in the bar."

My answer was predicated on that information. However, now the scenario has apparently changed. I'm not sure what is really going on: is she drinking with him or with a whole group?

 

[bunjy]

The above 1000%. Would YOU OP purposely try to fill her with doubt uncertainty, and hurt? Do you think she'd sit there clueless and not suspect anything? Not mention it to her friends? What would they say if it was you hanging out with a chick for a few drinks? Please! PLEASE! This chick is a hoe.

Your spot on here. No I wouldnt do this. Infact I wouldnt want her to feel this way at all. In a way it makes me feel like shes disrespecting my feelings as her bf since she must know by mentioning and drinking with other random guys from her bar I wont exactly like it. However she does seem to mention it rather innocently like its no big deal. Im confused about the situation because on the one hand she mentions this guy just casually and about how me and him work in the same field but on the other hand she has mentioned him too many times for my liking.

The one thing that leads me to doubt this advice however is the way she is with me. She says she loves me and seems very serious about our relationship. Her actions proves this to some extent (e.g. loads of attention, affection etc.) I do feel loved by her. Hell shes even started talking about us renting a place in a couple of months. She seems serious about me.

 

[bunjy]

Bunjy, in your first post she said "she is having a drink with this guy in the bar."

My answer was predicated on that information. However, now the scenario has apparently changed. I'm not sure what is really going on: is she drinking with him or with a whole group?

Yeah sorry I should have been more clear in my later follow up post. It turns out she was drinking with this guy and the other local barflies he drinks with. It wasnt just the two of them.

She later told me (after my OP) that she'd been drinking with a few people (more than likely the one guy she knew and the other regulars he drinks with).

 

[purple haze]

Yeah sorry I should have been more clear in my later follow up post. It turns out she was drinking with this guy and the other local barflies he drinks with. It wasnt just the two of them.

She later told me (after my OP) that she'd been drinking with a few people (more than likely the one guy she knew and the other regulars he drinks with).

In that case, maybe it's not so bad. I had a picture of her sitting in some quiet corner alone with him.

 

[bunjy]

In that case, maybe it's not so bad. I had a picture of her sitting in some quiet corner alone with him.

So did I when she first mentioned she was there having a drink but later on she txted me and it was clear she had been drinking with a few of the local barflies.

My OP point still stands though, this one guy she has mentioned a few times, said she 'really likes him' and seems to know a fair bit about him (shes obv conversing with him quite abit). Now its progressed to her staying after work and drinking with him and the other regulars.

To be fair to her, regardless of this one guy she probably would have done stayed for drinks with some of the locals anyway regardless of this one guy (its just that she seems to mention him more to me).

Either way the situation is this: Shes drinking with men from her work after she finishes, one of which she clearly gets along with well. If this turns into a regular thing (which no doubt it will) Im concerned it will be a problem for me down the line.