Alcoholic Girl With Bulemia and Supposed OCD

[Unscarred]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, and anyone affording me some input would greatly be appreciated,
Girl I've been seeing (not committed to me) has been jumping back and forth from me to her ex (I found out thru ex's sister). So seemingly she would bash him when things were well with me and vice versa. Problems begin with her complete and utter abuse of alcohol. Case and point the vomitting aids her with her Bulemia, as she is about 100 lbs and a size zero. Her so called friends sit idly by and watch her basically kill herself slowly, I on the other hand, want to take a stance to help her, but we aren't much more than casual friends, and only on her terms. She claims also an OCD affliction which comes with silly mannerisms normally in her home, always wear shoes so's not to touch the floor, never help with the dishes, little rules that are wearing me thin. I don't know how to approach her about my concerns and increasing anxieties and beginning to wonder if any of this is worth it. I do have a connection to her from High School, and I was with her the the night of my Brother's death (suicide).
In a quandry about what to do, what to say, questions about where, if anywhere, this seems to be going. I do inherently like her, a great deal...
any thoughts?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...I don't know how to approach her about my concerns and increasing anxieties and beginning to wonder if any of this is worth it. I do have a connection to her from High School, and I was with her the the night of my Brother's death (suicide)...

Out of curiosity, do you feel that you owe her something?

 

[Unscarred]

I don't think I owe her anything so much as I care for her and enjoy being with her, despite all the blatant red flags, once we were reacquainted after such a long period of time (almost 20 years) and just want to get on an even keel with her, eventually settle down, she mentions kids all the time because all of her girlfriends are married with kids.
Great question,

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I see. Well, we all know that the only real influence that we have over others is the ability to inspire them to change. Of course, the other person has to be receptive about considering changing but it's their call when it comes down to it.

What your friend has is a lifestyle which sustains some personal need that she has. Until she feels comfortable with some other method of fulfilling that need, expect her actions to continue. There may be a chance of her changing for you but that gets into unauthentic reasons and will power both of which are difficult to maintain and people typically revert back to old habits.

The big question for you is whether you are willing to accept her as she is today with the possibility of never changing. Don't forget to take into account how her lifestyle would impact the lives of people close to her including children.

 

[Unscarred]

very valid points,
I'm not thinking this is situational by any means,
you can tell just by looking at her face how fast she has aged, thru smoking and drinking and well, the blatantly obvious her overall physical appearance.
I think the big picture is that as immature as she acts when drunk, and if no one responsible enough will call her on it, she will just put up a wall and give the silent treatment, one of which I've already had in the three short months we've been 'friends.'
I don't think I hold enough validity(?) in her life currently to prompt her to change,
I'm thinking it will be something a little more serious, like when her liver implodes,
as for the relationship, I'm disappointed finding everything out second hand, and all the signs are there, she's much more distant, lengthy periods of no communication, so on... so it would seem I was a potential candidate that has fallen, pretty much out of the picture.
She seems to only contact me out of boredom or some need to keep me on the string she is dangling me along on...
tricky part, how to end it?
getting back possessions, all that uncomfortableness...
appreciate your input!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...
tricky part, how to end it?
getting back possessions, all that uncomfortableness...
appreciate your input!

So are you past the feelings of guilt about not being able to "fix" her? If you are you can start focusing on fixing yourself (extracting yourself from a situation which is negatively effecting your livelihood).

Face to face is best, a lot of people dislike the discomfort but it seems to give them the feeling of closure (damn I hate that word). You can gather your things while she'll rant and possibly give you a guilt trip for "giving up on her." Just remember that you could never truly be "for" her if she was never "for herself."

 

[DJDamage]

So let me get this stright, you are seeing a girl that is:

a) still sleeps with the ex
b) alcholic
c) bulemic
d) OCD
e) BPD/bi polar (probable cause).

Let me tell you something about this girl, she is a cancer. You can wave your finger in front of her (telling her how to live/think) and be there for her but this girl is sick in the head and you are not qualify to be there for her, nor are you able to help her (she needs constant proffesional help with medications) and suffer the burden of her misrable life. If you do not get out soon she will suck you in to her world and infect you with her misery and you will be cancer too.

You don't need to end anything, you are not her boyfriend and she is still seeing the ex. Start pulling back and say you are busy (if she harrasses you) and don't intiate calls or return calls. Forget about your possessions and cut your losses. This is her problems to deal with and not yours.

 

[squirrels]

any thoughts?

Yes...don't post question threads in the tips forum.

 

[Unscarred]

DJDamage
a) still sleeps with the ex
b) alcholic
c) bulemic
d) OCD
e) BPD/bi polar (probable cause).


i)not proven but keeps in contact, close or otherwise
ii)Absolutely
iii)absolutely
iv)yes and is not on meds or therapy that I know of
v) wouldn't surprise me, like you said I'm not qualified to diagnose

Those are sh***y choice to make, but I have to agree, ones I will have to make with distancing myself and eventually just moving on, I think the hardest part is wrapping my head around the fact(s) that I'm not really losing anything, at one point I think there was potential for her to be normal, but she still speaks of anxieties and losses from some years ago, so talk about holding on?

Francisco d'Anconia
closure, I hate it too, I will just have to pick the best time possible, hopefully one where she is in a halfway decent mood, put it out there without getting into too much detail about the whyfor's and becauses' The last thing I want to appear is judgemental, I'm nobody's saviour, and most of the time spent with her my needs take a huge backseat, when she's overly criticzing the smallest of my shortcomings, daily...
Thanks all!

 

[TonyWongButOhSoRite]

Speaking from seeing alcohol abuse first hand the only thing I can tell you is that nothing will work unless she wants help. Simple as. Also don't get too involed or it could end up bringing you down also but don't waste you're time if she isnt willing to recive help cause theres nothing you can do and you're just wasteing you're time. It's sad but its life. Good luck.

 

[Unscarred]

Thanks all concerned,

squirrels,
apologies.

Moderator can bump if need be.

unscarred

 

[Holland]

So let me get this stright, you are seeing a girl that is:

a) still sleeps with the ex
b) alcholic
c) bulemic
d) OCD
e) BPD/bi polar (probable cause).

Let me tell you something about this girl, she is a cancer. You can wave your finger in front of her (telling her how to live/think) and be there for her but this girl is sick in the head and you are not qualify to be there for her, nor are you able to help her (she needs constant proffesional help with medications) and suffer the burden of her misrable life. If you do not get out soon she will suck you in to her world and infect you with her misery and you will be cancer too.

You don't need to end anything, you are not her boyfriend and she is still seeing the ex. Start pulling back and say you are busy (if she harrasses you) and don't intiate calls or return calls. Forget about your possessions and cut your losses. This is her problems to deal with and not yours.

I agree

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...I will just have to pick the best time possible, hopefully one where she is in a halfway decent mood, put it out there without getting into too much detail about the whyfor's and becauses' The last thing I want to appear is judgemental, I'm nobody's saviour, and most of the time spent with her my needs take a huge backseat, when she's overly criticzing the smallest of my shortcomings, daily...

Good plan.

 

[KontrollerX]

You can't save her.

I've tried this and failed twice.

Disorders of various types be they OCD, BPD, Anorexia or whatever are too deeply ingrained for any non professional person to change.

The person suffering of these things needs to want to get helped themselves and go to a professional to get that help for true change to occur.

As long as she wants to continue on as she is she will only drag you down.

If you are determined to help organize an intervention and if that doesn't work cut her loose.

You have to care for yourself and your sanity first above all others and only help those who can appreciate your help and truly benefit from it if you are the helpful type. People with disorders can only be truly helped by professionals and sometimes not even then the disorders are so ingrained.

Keep such people out of your life as they will only harm you emotionally sooner or later.

 

[Bible_Belt]

As irrational as it is to be with her, I bet the sex is amazing, which is probably why he is putting up with her. Crazy chicks are good in bed.

 

[Unscarred]

Well the sex as short as it lasted was something out of a porno, no other way to explain it, no feelings, no emotion, she very much took charge and told me exactly what to do and how to do it, like a completely different person.
But as sad as this sounds, she only wanted to sleep with me when she was completely innebriated, which kinda ruined the moment even more, despite her prowess...
I called her on it once,
she just sort moped away like a child getting their favorite toy taken away as punishment,
In my younger days all of this would've been fine,
Kinda looking for something with a bit more substance,
All your input is appreciated,

 

[Bvbidd]

I became an alcholic at 17, and have just now been a few months sober. I was drinking everday. It CAN be beat. Just it's not your battle to fight, it's hers.

 

[Unscarred]

Thanks all,
I know what I have to do,
appreciate ALL your help and input,
cheers,