Age difference plus parental pressure

[stallion]

Thanks to this site, I finally got a gf!

Upon reflection, I was a hopeless AFC, now turned into a recovering AFC and hopefully a semi-DJ now.

Yet, after only a month of gf/bf, I found out that she was 28 and me 23.

On top of that, my parents were opposed (being traditional).

They nagged me everyday morning/night. THen my other distant relatives (aunt, uncle, cousins) even called or e-mailed me urging me to cut her off.

At the same time, my gf Interest level seemed to be rising steadily that I had to make my decisions before it gets too late...

I noticed that the DJ bible has little materials on what to do after you get a gf...

So anyways, I broke up and man, breakup is just as bad as never having a gf before....]

This girl also lives 4 hours away from me.. so the long distance also doesn't help either...

I'm thinking about getting back with her but it seems like once you break up, you shouldn't go back, is that true??

 

[stevey_2000]

first of all can i say congrats mate, hope you get/got lots of joy out of it

long distance relationships have advantages (if you get very drunk and end up banging someone else, she will probably not be around) and disadvantages, the disadvantages are obvious (less sex, less time spending together which COULD be a good thing tho i suppose)

tell your parents to mind there own business on your affairs, if you want to see a girl 5 years your elder then go for it my man! (i am 25, my g/f is 20 and we have a fantastic relationship), do what YOU want and not what anyone else wants you to do, as pook says..BE A MAN!!

if you should go back?, you havn't exactly put what was the REAL reason you guys break up but if it feels rigt, then go for it mate!

good luck anyway!,

Stevey

 

[stallion]

thanks steve!

Like most guys, I also prefer a girl my age or younger. A girl 2, 3 years older is ok but 5 years is a bit pushing.... Not to mention that I have this nagging feeling that by being with her, I'll be losing my opportunities to find a girl who is younger at least.

Yet, I'm still hooked on her so I have mixed feelings about it.
I had a feeling that I was at a point of no-return if I linger anymore so I called it off. Maybe I'm just being greedy??


Steve: Its great your gf is 5 years younger than you.

 

[bp1974]

You finally get a gf, then break up with her because she's 28?

There must be more to it than that, surely, otherwise you've thrown away a good thing for .. well, nothing really.

 

[stevey_2000]

well i look young for my age so people think who don't know how old i am think we're the same age so there is no complications there and also, thankfully, my mum and dad think the world of her and never opposed me seeing her so i am not in the same situation as you as far as the parents go!!

wouldn't worry about her being older than you as it's experience, right

as far as calling it off goes, i'll leave that to you but if you really like her (and hopefully it's not oneitus ) then give it another try, but one question, are your mum and dad like this with all the girls you have seen?

the worst thing that can happen is split up and you have the other single, good lookers in your area to choose from, wouldn't that be sh!t

 

[stallion]

you guys got me thinking...

I think its that I have this weird gut feeling all the time while going out with this girl... that as much as I like this girl, I might be passing up on some other girl that I've yet to meet that I might like even more.. I might or might not regret it... which is why I broke off to save her heart and mine from bigger agony.

My parents told me that if my ex is closer to me in age, then they would have no problem with her... On the other hand, my other relatives are more annoying. They're nagging me to break up with her because they dislike her race.. She is chinese and they have a negative image of her (mail-order bride, resident seeker for US, etc.)

I hope its not oneitis.. because I'm still keeling from the effects of the breakup.. making it very tempting for me to want to get back to her..

 

[Bonhomme]

Looks like you want her

To hell with what your parents think, explain the situation to her.

Good luck!

 

[stevey_2000]

hmmm, chinese!...i've always had something for the chinese race, working at a university i get the chance to talk to some nice looking chinese chics

nothing wrong with having a bit of thing with those!

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Either your family (immediate and further out) are supportive and happy that you are happy, or they plain don't count.

That's the wonderful thing about family: you can still love them and completely discount their opinions when it comes to your own happiness - a classic case of Orwellian Doublethink

Osc.

 

[stallion]

My mom actually talked to the girl directly through the phone telling her that I won't be a good match for her and that I should LJBF her.

So, she already knows about the situation... now, she thinks I'm a coward for dumping her..

So even if I do want to get back, its hard to say whether I can or not.

Now, she's pretty distant so I have no idea. I know that she's trying to kill her feelings now.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

If you want it to work out, you need to realise that at 23 years of age YOU CONTROL your own life. Not your folks. Do you live at home? Get out.

Call her up, apologise for being a pu$$y, tell her you respect your parents for their own views, but don't agree with them and want to give it a go with her. Tell them this too.

DJs - you are not out of AFC mode unless you can stand up for your own rights to anyone, parents and girlfriends included.

 

[stallion]

true, then I also have the feeling that if I go deeper, I might end up marrying her which I don't want to for now. Plus the notion of finding somebody better later...

ITs all pretty mixed up, thats why I went along with what my parents say.

I think if I try to get back with her, I might never find the way out if I want to get out hte next time.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by stallion
you guys got me thinking...

I think its that I have this weird gut feeling all the time while going out with this girl... that as much as I like this girl, I might be passing up on some other girl that I've yet to meet that I might like even more.. I might or might not regret it... which is why I broke off to save her heart and mine from bigger agony.

My parents told me that if my ex is closer to me in age, then they would have no problem with her... On the other hand, my other relatives are more annoying. They're nagging me to break up with her because they dislike her race.. She is chinese and they have a negative image of her (mail-order bride, resident seeker for US, etc.)

I hope its not oneitis.. because I'm still keeling from the effects of the breakup.. making it very tempting for me to want to get back to her..

Live your own life man! Take in the opinions but make your own decisions. You may want to ask your parents why don't they think you are capable of having a productive relationship. Why do the feel that you aren't mature enough to accept dating someone who is a little older.

Speaking from (much) experience, as long as two people have some common interests, respect one another and enjoy each other's company things can work out. Having a positive attitude in your capability of handling detractors will be key. Focusing on their nay saying will contribute to the relationships downfall.

 

[stallion]

Francisco,

I read your post about the older woman topic. I've been nagged morning till night over this and at the 9th day, I'm getting pretty sick of it... Imagine having your cell phone ringing in the middle of a makeout, while you're having a blast on a date, or even if you turn it off, the home phone starts ringing like nothing..

You're right about standing up to your feelings though. I also have another small feeling that I can do better, hence, my downfall with this relationship...

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by stallion
I've been nagged morning till night over this and at the 9th day, I'm getting pretty sick of it... Imagine having your cell phone ringing in the middle of a makeout, while you're having a blast on a date, or even if you turn it off, the home phone starts ringing like nothing..

This has nothing to do with your gfs age, but you should just stand up to your family and tell them to F U C K RIGHT OFF with that sh!t. What kind of a$$holes are they?

If *anyone*, the bloody Pope, did this to me I would let go at them from a height and they wouldn't forget it.

You realise you could take them to court for this behaviour? It's illegal.

You need to get some self esteem and not put up with crap from your family.

 

[fan27]

Cowering to your familie's demands on how you live your life will prevent you from becoming a DJ. You are going to come across to females as weak and easily controlled. In my opinion, this is the issue...not wether or not you get back together with this girl.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by stallion
You're right about standing up to your feelings though. I also have another small feeling that I can do better, hence, my downfall with this relationship...

If you can do better, that something totally different. But never, EVER discount a woman for something as simple as age difference. You will have different issues to deal with but more times than not its because of the mindset of OTHER people. Who cares if they can't deal, it's their problem, not yours.

I was married for 10 years to a woman 13 years my senior. It was 10 of the best years of my life, at least after I let my mother know that I appreciated her concern but she raised a man, not a momma's boy.

 

[stallion]

sorry, about doing better, I meant I feel that I can find a girl that would satisfy me more.

My gf is very nice but she seems like the person that I would be bound to marry if I stay with her. I dont't plan to marry for awhile unless the girl totally blows me away so her rising interest level scared and delighted me at the same time.

So I was feeling guilty for this girl which lead to me breaking it. Its like liking the girl but feeling unsatisfied at the same time.