advice requested on girl- very long

[US Curious George]

Hello everyone,

nice to be here. I have 3 girls I am interested in but to keep it less complicated I will only post on one of them right now. Warning- this is long.

Some background first- I am 35 years old and my life is messed up. I have a food addiction and I have allowed myself to gain a lot of weight, to the point that I am getting surgery for it. I realize that my main focus needs to be to get back in decent shape and focus on myself for right now.

However, there is a girl that lives 650 miles away, I met her at the eating disorder center that I went to a year ago. We have stayed in occasional contact through phone and e mail.

I will not be dating for at least 1and a half years or even more and clearly right now I know I have no chance with this woman.

My intent with her is one of two things in the future ( only assuming she is single when I am ready to date again)- I would like to turn this into possibly a relationship, but at the very least a friendship with benefits. I am terrified though of being put in the friend zone- we have not hung out due to the great distance between us but as I said there is occasional e mail and phone calls. I have never expressed to her any romantic interest, but she says I am really sweet and a great guy. Last time she told me this, I told her I needed to change because girls did not like teddy bear nice guys like me, that they like a challenge. She said,"you know, it's true some girls like a challenge, but I hope you never change" I told her that one day I wanted to move to Atlanta (where she lives), that I loved the Southern girls (which she is one), she giggled and said "you will find yourself a nice Southern girl someday".

Here are my questions.

1. am I already in her "friend" zone?

2. would my having lost weight and straightening out my life give me a chance with her? I know there are no guarantees, but she did tell someone else I was "handsome"

3. Would it be ok to continue the occasional interaction with her (remember we don't see each other) or will this just put me in the friend zone?

4. should I say anything to her right now about my future intentions?

5. Do you think she already knows if we could ever have a relationship or be friends with benefits or do you think she would have to see me improve first and then make up her mind? Clearly I have no chance now.

6. Anything else I can do to increase my chances?

People, I realize the chances are good she ( and me) could be dating other people and I may never get to date her BUT- I do want to keep her as an option while I work on myself, and I would like to maximize my chances with her in the meantime. IF she is indeed single by the time I am ready to date, I don't want to be in her "friend" zone, but her "he's a possibility " zone.

Bottom line- I value her and care about her, but I want more than friendship from her in the future, if not relationship then friends with benefits. But if she is with someone else or not interested I will still talk to her.

I would like to hear from you guys and girls what I should do, and not do, in this situation, and if you can answer any or all of my questions I would be most grateful. Sorry this was so long.

Godspeed,

Curious George

 

[honeyshark]

1. probably (most likely) yes, if you have never had any physical contact with her, have known her for some time, know her fairly well, and keep in long distance contact, you are a friend. It's also probably time to forget her as a romantic interest and move on.

2. Everyone always has a chance, but DJing is about increasing those chances. If you are fat now, loosing weight will help you. If your life is in shambles, putting it in order will help you. Learn from the past but do not agonize over your mistakes. There is nothing that you can do to change them.

3. You are already in the friend-zone. However, if you don't keep in contact with her, she will disappear from your life as she lives 650 miles away. My advice, move on. Cast aside those shackles from your past which hold you there, get your surgery, and start a fresh. Develop new philosophies on interacting with women and living your life in general. Do not mire your thoughts in your past failures or things that could have happened whilst concocting plans to remedy them. Move on.

4. Its generally not a good idea to let girls know your future intentions. It takes the mystery away from the social interactions. Let a girl occupy her thoughts with you, trying to figure out what you are up to.

5. Forget what she wants...what do you want? Avoid the self-deprecating attitude which you are espousing now. Basically you are saying that you aren't good enough for her. This is definently the wrong attitude.

6. Yes. There is a lot you can do. Firstly, keep reading this forum and notice the general philosophies which are held here. From what I can guess, (and I hate to throw this word around), you have a SERIOUS CASE OF AFC-ITIS. Reading this forum will give you ideas on not only how to act around women, but suggest ways of thinking as well. No, this isn't brain washing. The board only provides a place to discuss alternate dating philsophies to that of the mainstream "be a nice guy" idea.

I think you have a problem with self-esteem. Undergo your surgery, exercise a lot, stop eating so much, and improve your physical appearance. This will give you an ego boost. I know that everyone says this, but just force yourself to do it. It can't hurt.

Also, in closing, I advise you to forget this girl (she lives 600 miles away!), get on with your life, seek ways to improve yourself, and start again with a better DJ mindset.

Peace.

 

[US Curious George]

honeyshark,

thanks for the reply . What you said makes a lot of sense.

Here is the thing- I do plan to eventually move to Atlanta, where she lives (not for her but for jobs) I know sheis not the only girl, I know there are others. And I will not put all my energy on her.

That being said, could you please give me advice on actually having a friend with benefits kind of thing (or relationship) should I still choose to pursue this in the future . I just want to keep my options open with her .

We don't know each other THAT well.

IF and when I decide to make a move- how do I get out of the friend zone? how do I approach her?

The reality is, until I have fixed my life up, I will Not pursue any relationships or friends with benefits with any girls. I full intend to move forward with my life regrdless of whether she is in it or not. I really don't want to forget her completely, but I want to put her in the category of "back burner for now but with a possibility for the future".

Also, is there any way I can find out now if she would give me a future chance or is this something that in reality she has no idea?

PLease try to understand where I am coming from.

thanks,

Curious George

 

[GoodOlBoy]

Good to hear you'll be moving to my city. You'll certainly have no drought of women from which to choose.

Anyway, some things you said really bothered me. How do you know you have no chance with her now? Also, why are you so ready to jump into a relationship?

I know you with your weight gain and everything you're probably feeling a bit unconfident. DON'T! Every human being has problems and flaws...no exceptions. Yet you seem to be looking at the world as if somehow you're less than other people and therefore have no right to some of your natural, healthy desires (i.e. the right to date, and sleep with beautiful women). You're no less than me and I'm no greater than you. The greatest seducer of women, the richest man, etc. is also no better than you. Hell at least you're man enough to actually seek help and better yourself. There are people out here that on the outside look perfect but on the inside are rotting away, and they're not trying to better themselves.

All that said, you should never go through life believing you can't have something because of your present circumstances. You're obviously doing something about your weight and you seem like a nice enough guy. So tell me again why at this time in your life you know you don't have a chance with her? Another thing my friend...Women don't say they think someone is handsome unless they're interested. Do yourself a favor and never trust anything to the future ever again in your life.

Your attitude is, "Well when I fix myself up then I'll go after her." Imagine if Bill Gates had thought that way while he was at Harvard. What if he'd said to himself, "Even though I have the uncprecedented opportunity to work with the very first personal computer ever made, I'll put in on the backburner and do it after I graduate." All that to say, "Fortune is not on the side of the faint-hearted." By the time you "think" you've gotten your life together this woman could be married with 2 kids, a husband, and be wondering in the back of her mind what could have been with you! You'll sure as hell be wondering. Time waits for no man friend.

One more thing...I'm sure she's a great girl and all, but never decide that you want to be in a long term relationship with someone without first getting to know them by dating them. Firstly this kind of thinking is a symptom that leads to the disease known as AFC. Your diagnosis will always be "Let's just be friends."

What you have now is a woman to whom you're attracted, living in a city to which you're moving. She thinks you're handsome, and has had an eating disorder herself...so she's sympathetic to you, been through something similar to you...and is in no position to be judgemental of you (Not that anyone is). I digress. Call her up when you get to Atlanta and tell her to show you the city.

You get the point!

 

[US Curious George]

GoodOlBoy,

thanks for responding. You make some very good points and I appreciate it.

Let me elaborate a bit further on the situation.

My obesity is severe- to the point of life threatening. Even if she were willing to look past this, there would be no se× life .

Also I will not be moving to Atlanta for 1and a half to two years at least, and I wouldn't want a long distance relationship.

I have other issues too that need working on.

So as you can see there really is no hope right now.

By the time I move to Atlanta I will have made alot of progress. Yes, there is a very good chance she could be with someone else but that is beyond my control and there will always be other women.

In the event she is still single though, at the very least I would like to get to know her better in person and have at least a "friends with benefits" situation. Possibly a relationship.

So as you see I really need to work on myself first and pursue women later.

In the meantime, should I continue our occasional e mail contact and phone calls or will that put me further in "friend zone"??

And anything else you can suggest in regards to increasing my chances for the future would be appreciated.

But believe me, I will be open to other girls as well- I won't just focus on her. thanks,

Curious George

 

[GoodOlBoy]

Only thing I can tell you is that if you're truly interested in her, then keeping the lines of communication open might be fulfilling to you both.

Given the time frame you're looking at, trying anything romantic with her might be out of the picture. I really don't know what to tell you here. I don't want to just say forget about her. I don't think anything romantic is really feasible right now given the distance. You might just wanna take the casual friends approach with her. Whatever you do though, don't be buddy-buddy with her unless you want to kiss even the faintest glimmer of romance goodbye.

In your situation no one can predict the future so just let it flow! In the meantime Godspeed on your recovery, and I'll keep the peaches ripe till your arrival.

 

[US Curious George]

GoodOLBoy,

thanks again for responding. Yeah I think I will just stay in occasional contact with her and not get too close to her. THanks for keeping the peaches ripe for me until I get there!!!


Well, if anyone else wants to add their opinions to all this I would love to hear.

Curious George