advice podcast: I Don't Want To Be The Breadwinner In My Marriage Anymore!

[MatureDJ]

http://www.npr.org/2016/12/03/504158266/i-dont-want-to-be-the-breadwinner-in-my-marriage-anymore

Dear Sugars,

My husband has a life that many people who are "rule-followers," like me, would envy. When I first met him, it was undeniably a passionate love affair. I'd never dated anyone or known anyone like him before. He took risks, lived all over the world, had many passions and has been a loyal friend. He's seven years older than I am, and we met at work, where his power and seniority at the office was insanely attractive to me. The year we got married, he wanted to take a risk and go back to graduate school to find his dream job. I trusted his judgment, and between his savings, my new job, and some sacrifices, we comfortably lived while he went through two years of graduate school. My husband now has his dream job. I'm proud of everything he's accomplished and what we were able to do together to make it happen.

Over the past four years, my career has skyrocketed in ways I never could have dreamed of. I've broken through the hypothetical glass ceiling in a male-dominated industry. I am a huge believer in women in the workplace and always will be. If they become the breadwinners in marriage, more power to them.

Now herein lies my problem — I became the breadwinner in an extreme way. I committed to supporting us for two years, but we're going on four now, and it will likely be five. Our income divide is so extreme that I pay for 90 percent of our living expenses. What I've found is I can't live this girl-power lifestyle that I believe in.

I'm very close to a breaking point, and I never stop thinking about leaving my husband. And no matter what other reasons I come up with, it always leads back to money, power and sexual attraction. I hate myself for it. I hate my sexist, wealthy, materialistic father, who likely instilled these ideals in me. I hate my mother-in-law, who thinks women shouldn't have to work. I hate that I want a more traditional lifestyle with a husband who can provide for me. I hate that I'm not confident enough in myself to have children because I don't think I can be the financial provider and a mother. And I hate that I would never look at my husband the same way if he was a stay-at-home dad.

What I hate most of all is that this is not what my husband wants either. He never imagined that he would spend all of his savings to follow his dreams to come out on the other end making a quarter of his prior salary. When I ask myself if I would've ever married an older man that I would financially support for the first five years of marriage, and possibly forever, the answer is a hard "no." And most days I feel like I can't do this one second longer.

He's doing everything in his power to make more of a financial contribution, but his fruitless attempts haven't pulled me out of this rut. It's embarrassing enough to him that I could never tell my friends or family the extent of our income divide, and I can't tell him exactly how I feel either. Maybe this was a risk he shouldn't have taken. I want to be taken care of. I want to pull back at work in order to have a family. And I am so ashamed of my feelings.

Sugars, please help me live what I believe in.

With love,

Breadwinner

 

[The Duke]

I'm disgusted by people that agree to a major change, yet are unhappy once it happens. If you didn't think things thru properly, then that's your own mistake. Learn how to deal with it. No reason someone else should suffer because of your inability to use critical thinking skills to arrive at the best decision.

I hope the husband gets his graduate degree, gets his dream job going, and dumps this woman. I get the money/power/provider attraction women have for men, but come on. I doubt his personality has changed. Its obvious she married for the wrong reasons. She has some issues she needs to get passed.

Look at all of the contradictions she makes here:

I hate myself for it. I hate my sexist, wealthy, materialistic father, who likely instilled these ideals in me. I hate my mother-in-law, who thinks women shouldn't have to work. I hate that I want a more traditional lifestyle with a husband who can provide for me. I hate that I'm not confident enough in myself to have children because I don't think I can be the financial provider and a mother. And I hate that I would never look at my husband the same way if he was a stay-at-home dad.

She hates her wealthy materialistic father, yet wants that in a husband.
She hates the idea of women that stay at home, yet doesn't want to be the bread winner.

What is it you want you stupid confused biatch? I see another man's life getting ripped to shreads because of the confused state of his woman's mental condition.
And on top of all that she definitely is not a devoted wife.

Maybe the husband should just trade her in for a younger model that has a better body and puts out more often? Wonder how she would like the taste of that, because its the equivalent.

 

[Steady Eddie]

Any woman in a relationship wants to be provided for. That's the truth of it. This woman's husband shifted the burden of performance onto her and now she's seeing what life's like when you assume financial responsibility for the relationship.
This is ultimately why the feminine imperative will fail. A woman won't do for herself what she can get a man to do for her.