advice on "Making a Move"

[baltyre]

I guess my problem and where I need advice is in “making a move”. I’m 26 years old and have always been a quiet type of guy, I’ve never even been in a relationship. My only hookups were in college at drunken parties.

I’ve met a girl at my office who I really like. It’s more than just a physical attraction, we share many interests and even more important -the same values. Some of you may say don’t bother at work, but it is rare that that I meet someone who shares the same values and interests. I’m not exactly sure what her feelings are for me, but she is single and has shown some interest. When we go out for happy hours and such, she will ask about me and even touch me occasionally, and she’s not the touchy feely type.

We have a mutual group of friends at work and often hang out together-both in and out of work, which further complicates the matter. I am still looking in other areas, and am attempting not to develop oneitis. However, I want to give it a chance with her. How should I “make a move”, while at the same time taking into account the fact that we work together and often hang out together in and out of work. Overall, “Making a move” seems to be a major issue for me, because although several girls show mild interest,, they almost never throw themselves at me.

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by baltyre Some of you may say don’t bother at work...

Don't bother at work.

...but it is rare that that I meet someone who shares the same values and interests.

It's not that rare, you're just not trying hard enough. And furthermore, why the hell would you want a carbon copy of yourself anyway?? I never understand when people say that.

We have a mutual group of friends at work and often hang out together-both in and out of work, which further complicates the matter.

I don't see how that complicates anything at all.

I am still looking in other areas, and am attempting not to develop oneitis.

"Attempt" harder. You haven't even touched her yet and you're already posting about her. Not to be harsh, but cmon...

How should I “make a move”, while at the same time taking into account the fact that we work together and often hang out together in and out of work.

It is a sticky situation. You might want to consider honing your craft in a more comfortable setting before diving into something like this...

Overall, “Making a move” seems to be a major issue for me, because although several girls show mild interest,, they almost never throw themselves at me.

And they almost never will. They don't have to. Throngs of eligible (and not so eligible) bachelors do all the work for them every single day. That's just the way it is, YOU have to do something about it, if that's what you want.

 

[gixxer]

It is a sticky situation. You might want to consider honing your craft in a more comfortable setting before diving into something like this...

Dr Zaius gave the best advice you WILL EVER GET. No flame, but from your post it's very obvious that you don't know enough about women to pull this thing off. Yes, it could be pulled off by someone with a lot of skilz but you aren't even close to there.

Keep doing what you're doing and DON'T MAKE ANY MOVE ON HER AT ALL. Read this board HARDCORE for 6 months or more and get some of David DeAngelo's stuff too. Let her date or whatever she's going to do and don't worry about it. Whatever guy she dates will f#ck up eventually by being an AFC and she'll dump him so she'll be single again before you know it.

If you don't make a move now she'll see you as a challenge and more attractive and when you get your game together you'll be able to snag her right up, keep her interested and not have things get "ugly" if it doesn't work out and you still need to see her at work and socially. Trust us, man. You'll thank us later.

gixx

 

[baltyre]

drZaius,

I appreciate the response. You have some valid points. Based on reading some of your other posts, I think that you represent one end of the spectrum. The so called "all women are b1tches" philosophy... and they are mere commodities. Don't take that as a flame, I appreciated your response and it is helpful. I realize that philosophy is in someways what this website espouses, and there is no doubt a lot of truth to it.

I should clarify my original post, for the part when I mentioned that we share the same interests and values. I should have highlighted values. We are nowhere near carbon copies of one another. Our common interests include that we are both athletic and like similar movies, however we have many differences. The bigger thing is the commonality of values, which is actually a hard thing for me to find. I am very conservative and have certain other values that I find very few girls share, and she is one who does. (Yes I know I need to look harder, and I am... but it is actually quite rare that a girl and I share the same values to anywhere near this extent).

I just have felt a special connection here that I haven't felt in the past, including past girls that I have been interested in. I was hoping to hear from people who have been in similar situations, and those who have some good ideas for me to proceed.

gixxer, I appreciate your response too. I understand the general ideas of the forum, I've lurked on and off for several months. However, it is action, not constant reading that will lead me to progress. I will proceed very carefully, but I want to take action in the near future, even if I fall on my face(I would do so in a respectful way, and back off if she didn't return my sentiments, and would continue to act in a professional way, and hopefully we would continue to interact in a friendly environment). I'd just like some ideas and advice from the forum on how to proceed.

 

[drZaius09]

Based on reading some of your other posts, I think that you represent one end of the spectrum. The so called "all women are b1tches" philosophy...

I don't know where you're getting that from. Sounds like a snap judgement to me. You should read some of my other posts more carefully. I don't think all girls are "b#tches," just the girls people happen to post about on these boards 99% of the time. Quite the contrary, I think there are plenty of girls out there who are perfectly fine-- but guys choose to focus way too much time and energy on the "b#tches," as you say. But this really has nothing to do with YOUR situation and I fail to understand why you would even mention it.

I've lurked on and off for several months. However, it is action, not constant reading that will lead me to progress

You're absolutely right. But what I think the Gixx was trying to say was that you need some practive targets for that "action." At this point you are ill-prepared for the catastrophe that could develop from a seduction gone awry in your work environment. You have to decide whether your comfort level at work is an acceptable sacrifice for a shot at this girl's affections.

 

[joekerr31]

heres my advice.

make your move, but do it VERY casually.
if she's interested in you she will jump at it instantly. if she's not and sees you as a friend she will probably turn you down.

find a new restaurant or some ethnic food joint and say something like "have you eaten at that new vietnamese place?"

she'll say no.

then say "intereted in checking it out with me sometime?"

if she gives you anything other than: "Sure. when were you thinking of checking it out?" then cut loose of her and go back to treating her like a friend (don't even bring back up the restaurant stuff again, wait for her to)

if she wants to be something more than friends she will jump through the opening you give her. If she just enjoys your attention but doesn't want something more she'll give you some nebulous response.

but either way you cut it, thigns will be fine after - all you did was ask her if she wanted to check out a new restaurant with you.

anyway, my 2 cents.
J

 

[joekerr31]

oh, one last thing.

all the "signs" are bullsh*t. some chics will give you ALL the signs just cuz they get off on seeing you react and desire them. Maybe shes touchy feely with you because she trusts you rather than is romantically interested in you.

this is why you should do what YOU want and screw everythign else. If you want something go and take it. and if its locked up, then move on.

J

 

[iveyleeger]

don't fish off the co. pier

you need to get out and meet other women. that way when it melts down you haven't polluted your income stream

 

[Aaron B]

any updates on what happened?

 

[baltyre]

Well, despite my talk of making a move last time, I still haven't. Nothing much has changed, she is still available and there appears to still be interest. My biggest fear is having this be the "talk of the office", especially if things don't go as planned. But i realize now that even a rejection wouldn't be a bad thing, I just have to know. I am focusing too much time and energy on her, I have to make a move and either way, I will move forward.

We know each other very well and we've spent a lot of time with each other. So, I may just ask her to dinner, I'm just trying to figure out when and how.

 

[legolas]

Well don't think too much. Usually the situation will present itself and you'll have next to zero anxiety doing it. If you try to force it, trust me I talk from experience, you'll get really really anxious and end up scaring her away. It's best you focus on increasing your sexual value in her eyes.