Advice needed.....

[phillyb]

So I've been dating this girl for about a month and a half now. Things are going well



Little background: We met online, and she does have a 10 year old son.


Now , I know that alot of you wouldn't dare date a woman with a child....and it does have it's ups and downs.....but I dig the girl, and don't mind the fact that she has this baggage.......

Now....here is the issue.

Starting out we would see each other alot.....3 times a week ....but we would generally hang out at her place.....dinner and a movie....go for a walk ...etc.

So recently we had a "talk".....basically her telling me, that she was just unsure of my interest, because I'm aloof and just go with the flow.

I told her that it's been a while since I have dated someone with a child.....and that I realize that he comes first.....so in essence I was just going with the flow.....she also said she needs to feel "desired"

also, it's kinda limiting on things we can do with each other because we have the option of hanging out at her place......or......hanging out at her place.

Should I start making plans to do stuff that would include the kid?

show her more attention?

Keep doing the same?


Gracias!

 

[Alexander the Great]

Phil,

Have you been physical with her yet? Judging from what you're telling us, it seems you haven't. That's why she's unsure of your interest.

It's very simple: When a woman says she wants to feel desired, you need to make a move on her. A physical move. Yes, it's that obvious

So, go and be physical with her. Or at least attempt it, for it'll show her you don't just want to be her friend, which is what she is starting to think right now .

And yes, even if her kid is present (in the house, not at the scene). Or tell her to get a sitter. Tell, don't suggest.

But is seems you have opportunities outside of the house too. You spoke of walks and that sort of thing. Assuming the kid isn't present then, these are opportunities. And even if the kid tagged along, aren't there opportunities when it is off playing nearby and you two are sitting on a bench somewhere? You know, the romantic stuff of movies... *cough*

(And for a Deity's sake, you shouldn't involve her kid in things and outings yet for the purpose of making it see you as someone permanent. That's step 10 or so. You're just at step 1, from what I can tell. The kid stuff starts when you two get serious. To put it bluntly: woo the woman first, then the kid )

Good luck!

 

[phillyb]

Phil,

Have you been physical with her yet? Judging from what you're telling us, it seems you haven't. That's why she's unsure of your interest.

It's very simple: When a woman says she wants to feel desired, you need to make a move on her. A physical move. Yes, it's that obvious

So, go and be physical with her. Or at least attempt it, for it'll show her you don't just want to be her friend, which is what she is starting to think right now .

And yes, even if her kid is present (in the house, not at the scene). Or tell her to get a sitter. Tell, don't suggest.

But is seems you have opportunities outside of the house too. You spoke of walks and that sort of thing. Assuming the kid isn't present then, these are opportunities. And even if the kid tagged along, aren't there opportunities when it is off playing nearby and you two are sitting on a bench somewhere? You know, the romantic stuff of movies... *cough*

(And for a Deity's sake, you shouldn't involve her kid in things and outings yet for the purpose of making it see you as someone permanent. That's step 10 or so. You're just at step 1, from what I can tell. The kid stuff starts when you two get serious. To put it bluntly: woo the woman first, then the kid )

Good luck!

Oh yeah....we have been physical....In fact, thats one thing she says is not boring.



I guess in essence, I need to be more take charge and come up with fun stuff to do with her.




But at the same time it is hard because of the child and her obligation to him.......


Thanks in advance!

 

[NewMan]

Desire - This is her need for an emotional connection with you.....

i.e. above and beyond the physical.

This is a tough spot with a single mom. Make or break time soldier.

From personnel experience, I will not date another single mom. In 6-12 months time - when your stuck going over to her place 3 times a week, it'll get pretty old. It's different when it's your genetic makeup - but staying in raising another man's gene's is a big Apple to swallow.

But I'm sure you've thought all this through.

 

[Alexander the Great]

Oh yeah....we have been physical....In fact, thats one thing she says is not boring.

Okay, good. Next time, don't omit such important details .

She says the stuff you do together is... boring?

Egh... it'd better not be stuff that you actually like to do... is it? Or were they things that had the general cencus, because as you said, you were "going with the flow"? In that case, possible signal that she might feel you're trying to be pleasing.

I guess in essence, I need to be more take charge and come up with fun stuff to do with her.

Take charge, yes. That never hurts. (If it does, something's wrong.)

But feeling that you should come up with more fun things to do with her, seems a bit submissive to me. Don't be like that. You've been here for a while, so I don't have to tell you to do the things you like to do and see if she wants to come along. Right?

Anyway, be more into yourself than into her and see how it goes when you two are just riding your rollercoaster for a while . In other words: go with your flow for a while, instead of just going with the flow (which she partly determines). Like you probably meant when you said: I need to be more take charge. Damn right .

But at the same time it is hard because of the child and her obligation to him.......

Tell her to get a sitter . Or take the kid along. Plenty of places you can go to with kids that are fun for an adult too. Adventure parks, mini-golf... Just do something you like to do, not what they want to do. Don't debate it and don't let it depend on her.

And while you're not out to make friends with the kid, you can try to be anyway by giving it (him/her) a lot of attention too (without seeming eager to please, mind you). It might even help you. Women love men who are good with kids (and who are not submissive to them at the same time). But don't make that your objective. Your objective is to have fun. Your fun. That's all.

Alright, my 2 cents. Hope it helps. But I think you got it all by yourself already.



EDITED to add:
Ah, and yes, what NewMan said. I assumed you had passed that base already, but eventually you must decide wether you want to raise the fruits of another man's loin, if you want this to go anywhere...

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Why are you monogamous with a single mother?

 

[LeftyLoosey]

There are all sorts of red flags going up here.

First of all, as a single mother, she has no business telling you what you need to do to please her. You are in control here (as you always should be, regardless of who the woman is). If you're just being yourself and that isn't good enough for her, then too bad for her. If you're not happy with who you are and you think that she's turned off for the same reasons, then take a step back, sort yourself out, and then get back into the dating scene.

It's only been six weeks but it sounds like she's covertly asking you to prove your commitment by showing more "desire." The fact of the matter is, she's the one lacking desire otherwise she wouldn't be telling you how to change.

How do you rectify this situation? Stop seeing her as often. Next time she calls you, tell her you're busy this week and that maybe you'll hook up another time. Watch magically how all of a sudden she shows more interest in you and this "desire" issue disappears.

Your train of thought here is clearly "what do I need to do to make her happy?" She's a single mom for christ's sake. You have SO many more baggage-free options out there (or you SHOULD), the thought of jumping through hoops for her should not even enter your mind.

 

[speed dawg]

There are all sorts of red flags going up here.

First of all, as a single mother, she has no business telling you what you need to do to please her. You are in control here (as you always should be, regardless of who the woman is). If you're just being yourself and that isn't good enough for her, then too bad for her. If you're not happy with who you are and you think that she's turned off for the same reasons, then take a step back, sort yourself out, and then get back into the dating scene.

It's only been six weeks but it sounds like she's covertly asking you to prove your commitment by showing more "desire." The fact of the matter is, she's the one lacking desire otherwise she wouldn't be telling you how to change.

How do you rectify this situation? Stop seeing her as often. Next time she calls you, tell her you're busy this week and that maybe you'll hook up another time. Watch magically how all of a sudden she shows more interest in you and this "desire" issue disappears.

Your train of thought here is clearly "what do I need to do to make her happy?" She's a single mom for christ's sake. You have SO many more baggage-free options out there (or you SHOULD), the thought of jumping through hoops for her should not even enter your mind.

You simply could not have worded it any more perfectly. phillyb, pay attention.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Listen to Lefty and don't change anything. She basically told you that your aloofness was creating high interest on her part. Don't give up power by becoming too accommodating.

 

[thisishowitis]

So I've been dating this girl for about a month and a half now. Things are going well



Little background: We met online, and she does have a 10 year old son.


Now , I know that alot of you wouldn't dare date a woman with a child....and it does have it's ups and downs.....but I dig the girl, and don't mind the fact that she has this baggage.......

Now....here is the issue.

Starting out we would see each other alot.....3 times a week ....but we would generally hang out at her place.....dinner and a movie....go for a walk ...etc.

So recently we had a "talk".....basically her telling me, that she was just unsure of my interest, because I'm aloof and just go with the flow.

I told her that it's been a while since I have dated someone with a child.....and that I realize that he comes first.....so in essence I was just going with the flow.....she also said she needs to feel "desired"

also, it's kinda limiting on things we can do with each other because we have the option of hanging out at her place......or......hanging out at her place.

Should I start making plans to do stuff that would include the kid?

show her more attention?

Keep doing the same?


Gracias!

She is looking for a statement of intent. She wants to know if you just want to have sex with her or if you want to be her boyfriend, or if you're even interested at all.

Since she is probably tired of guys who **** her and then chuck her she is probably looking for a cool guy who also really cares about her, but that is just my take on it.

You're the man and men make decisions, so you have to decide what you want and then make it happen.