Advice needed - Girl with intimacy issues

[Altair]

Hey there,

I've been dating a girl since last week and while things are going ok, I'm having some apprehensions about the way she handles physical intimacy.

The girl in question seems to be fine with me being intimate with her, but doesn't initiate or reciprocate heavily herself. She'll be fine with me kissing her, and will kiss back when I french her but doesn't initiate herself or do anything beyond the kiss itself. She barely initiates cuddles, and only in a limited fashion touches me back when I am caressing her. Etcetera.

Furthermore, she was rather quiet/somewhat passive on our first date as well but I simply took this as a sign that she wanted me to take control of the situation, and I did (something which she later told me she enjoys. She's looking for someone who leads and is not dependant on others). She has recently started to talk a lot more so that's good, which instills within me the hope that the process will be similar with her physical behaviour. I took her ice skating by the way (held her hand, hugged lots etc, kiss on the lips goodnight).

When I asked her about her apprehension, she told me it had to do with one of her previous relationships (she's had a couple), which was a violent one (red flag, I know). What are your thoughts? Is she not into me or does she really have issues? She does seem to enjoy our time together and I love the way she looks at me (puppy eyes) after I've kissed her (and does initiate a cuddle at that point). She also does try to make dates etc, and has appologised for the way she acts sometimes.

I do like her and I want to sort out these issues. Does anyone have any advice on this? She told me she feels at ease around me, faster than with most people (though yes, I realise this might just be utter BS) she's met so I hope I can get her to assume a bit more of an active role. I'll be seeing her again tonight - at her house - so I'll probably try and open her up a bit more.

Oh and make no mistake, I am not moving forward with her if she doesn't work out these problems. But yeah, I do like her and would like to sort this out.

TL;DR: Girl that I'm dating has had a violent relationship, might be the cause for her not reciprocating heavily while being intimate. Advice on how to get her to open up?

For the record, I am 18, she's 17.

Cheers!

 

[Igetit!]

Hey there,

I've been dating a girl since last week and while things are going ok, I'm having some apprehensions about the way she handles physical intimacy.

The girl in question seems to be fine with me being intimate with her, but doesn't initiate or reciprocate heavily herself. She'll be fine with me kissing her, and will kiss back when I french her but doesn't initiate herself or do anything beyond the kiss itself. She barely initiates cuddles, and only in a limited fashion touches me back when I am caressing her. Etcetera.

So what EXACTLY is the deal here? You say that if you kiss her,she'll kiss you back,or if you do something else physical first,then she'll do it back right,but if you don't do anything,then nothing happens at all?

Is that right?

Furthermore, she was rather quiet/somewhat passive on our first date as well but I simply took this as a sign that she wanted me to take control of the situation, and I did (something which she later told me she enjoys. She's looking for someone who leads and is not dependant on others).

Well yeah dude,ALL WOMEN want this. Her wanting you to take control of the situation is NORMAL,that's what you're supposed to do.
You're the MAN here,so you lead. You should already have known that,it shouldn't have took her being shy or passive on the date for you to figure that out. The fact that you're MALE should have told you that.

She has recently started to talk a lot more so that's good, which instills within me the hope that the process will be similar with her physical behaviour.

Ok,this is what throws me off.....

You said that she has just recently started to talk a lot more. You say she just started talking more recently,but that you've only been dating each other for a WEEK.


You've only been dating for a few days,but HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN HER???


I was thinking her apprehension was due to the relationship still being new and her still getting to know you,but if she's known you for a while,her "past relationships" excuse MAY BE legit.

When I asked her about her apprehension, she told me it had to do with one of her previous relationships (she's had a couple), which was a violent one (red flag, I know). What are your thoughts?

Well my thoughts are,"how many "relationships" has she had"?

If she was 25+ years old and said this,I'd probably believe her without a second thought,but 17? She's only 17 years old,and at that young age,she's already using past relationships as an excuse for this problem she's causing???



That's a red flag alright. 17 years old,and she's already claiming to have a HISTORY of abusive relationships. That doesn't sit well for you man.


If she's telling the truth,I'm afraid her lack of being physical may be the least of your worries

Is she not into me or does she really have issues? She does seem to enjoy our time together and I love the way she looks at me (puppy eyes) after I've kissed her (and does initiate a cuddle at that point). She also does try to make dates etc, and has appologised for the way she acts sometimes.

If she repeatedly tries to make dates with you and see you,then she does have interest. You've only been dating a week or so. You said she's just recently started talking more to you,so maybe as time goes by,she'll start to initiate more of the physical as well,but DON'T EXPECT HER TO LEAD in that area,that's YOUR job.

I'll be seeing her again tonight - at her house - so I'll probably try and open her up a bit more.

Try to talk a bit more. Also flirt and tease her a bit. Compliment her on her appearance (don't say "you're hot" or anything like that,tell her YOU LIKE the way she looks in something she has on).

The more you talk,flirt,and interact with her,the more she should open up.

It's only the first week of the relationship. Give it three weeks to a month and she how she responds. If she still behaves the same after all the time and comfort you've invested,unless you want a relationship with a woman like this,you might want to move on.

 

[Altair]

Thanks Igetit=) Good, level headed post.

So what EXACTLY is the deal here? You say that if you kiss her,she'll kiss you back,or if you do something else physical first,then she'll do it back right,but if you don't do anything,then nothing happens at all?

Is that right?

Yep, basically she seems to love my attention but doesn't initiate anything. I'd kiss her and she'd go along with it and kiss back but she doesn't seem to do anything on her own. It feels like she doesn't behave like someone who feels (a lot of?) affection for someone I suppose.

Well yeah dude,ALL WOMEN want this. Her wanting you to take control of the situation is NORMAL,that's what you're supposed to do.
You're the MAN here,so you lead. You should already have known that,it shouldn't have took her being shy or passive on the date for you to figure that out. The fact that you're MALE should have told you that.

Aye

Ok,this is what throws me off.....

You said that she has just recently started to talk a lot more. You say she just started talking more recently,but that you've only been dating each other for a WEEK.

You've only been dating for a few days,but HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN HER???

I was thinking her apprehension was due to the relationship still being new and her still getting to know you,but if she's known you for a while,her "past relationships" excuse MAY BE legit.

I've known her for about 2 weeks. She seemed timid at first but has opened up a bit verbally, feels more natural. I've gone out with her 3-4 times (depending on if you count the time we both went to the same club with friends).

Well my thoughts are,"how many "relationships" has she had"?

If she was 25+ years old and said this,I'd probably believe her without a second thought,but 17? She's only 17 years old,and at that young age,she's already using past relationships as an excuse for this problem she's causing???

That's a red flag alright. 17 years old,and she's already claiming to have a HISTORY of abusive relationships. That doesn't sit well for you man.


If she's telling the truth,I'm afraid her lack of being physical may be the least of your worries

She's had 4 "serious" relationships (she counts elementary school though, lol), and a couple of short ones. The relationship I was talking about was pretty intense for her. She was scared ****less of the guy as he beat her and ended up being put away for it. Oh, what worries me as well is that her latest relationship (not the violent one) ended a little over a month ago (lasted 9 months I think she said, quit because her bf was cheating on her) so I'm being extra cautious to see if I'm not the rebound guy.

If she repeatedly tries to make dates with you and see you,then she does have interest. You've only been dating a week or so. You said she's just recently started talking more to you,so maybe as time goes by,she'll start to initiate more of the physical as well,but DON'T EXPECT HER TO LEAD in that area,that's YOUR job.

I have no trouble with leading, I like that role. But I do want her to be more active and initiate intimacy as well.

Try to talk a bit more. Also flirt and tease her a bit. Compliment her on her appearance (don't say "you're hot" or anything like that,tell her YOU LIKE the way she looks in something she has on).

The more you talk,flirt,and interact with her,the more she should open up.

It's only the first week of the relationship. Give it three weeks to a month and she how she responds. If she still behaves the same after all the time and comfort you've invested,unless you want a relationship with a woman like this,you might want to move on.

Will keep that in mind, thanks

Cheers!

 

[Zarky]

For the record, I am 18, she's 17.

You'll find most chicks in this age range are terrified of "taking charge." Either deal with it or date older women.