A situation to learn from

[Zman1]

Here is the bottom line Gentlemen!

If a woman is truly interested she will make the effort to call, email or be with you no matter how busy she is. She WILL make the effort to find time even if she truly has none and WILL NOT play mind games or jerk you around.

Here is my story to learn from:

I was dating this woman for three weeks. We had met via yahoo personals. She contacted me and said she wanted to get to know me. This woman was my age. On a scale from a 1-10 she was about a 7.5 to an eight. She had beautiful blue eyes and dark natural hair with a slender build of 5'6''.

We met the first time and instantly clicked and she seemed to have a personality unlike any other woman Ive met. She was going to school, student teaching, and working as a waitress. Obviously she is very busy. She told me numerous times how she was tired of guys being mean to her. Well after our first meeting went so well that we set one up for the next day. All was going well for about two weeks, when we were together we would kiss, hold hands and be close just as people do with a high interest level when they start dating. I came back home from school to see her at work. I asked if she would like to go out for dinner the next evening. She said ok and that she would call me. The next day, Saturday, she called me around three pm or so and left a message on my phone, while I was in the shower, that we would have to eat dinner around 7 pm. I called her back with no answer and left a message for her to return and confirm dinner at 7 pm. 530 came without a call I called her and received no answer, I did not leave a message. 645 then came without a call from her to confirm. I called her at 10 mins to 7 and she apologized for not calling that she had fallen asleep and she was on her way over to my place. She gets to my place at seven and then i drive us to dinner. As soon as we pull in the parking lot to go and eat she said at 10 pm she going to meet up with her friends. It caught me by suprise especially since she hadn't mentioned it earlier. The date went well held hands then cuddled. She Left at 10 pm that night.

For the next week and half I played it low key. Didn't call her or email just laid back. She emailed me on her own about once every two days for the next week and half and called me once. She told me that her sister was in town and that she wanted me to meet her. We did a week ago last monday. I met her and her sister for lunch. I paid for both of them and it went well. I kissed my date and said our byes because she had class. Since last monday I havent heard from her and have been getting the who the hell are you behavior when I see her online and immed her twice between last monday and today.

I have moved on and figured that this girl isnt worth time or effort. Whatever her intentions were with me I am not sure. It couldve been for me to be a turnaround guy, or that she was still hooked on the much older guy she was dating and went back to him.

Whatever the case my point is that if a woman is interested in you sincerely she will not play you like this. She may be attracted to you, but her interest isnt high enough to respect you or give you a straight answer as to what is going on.

Avoid and forget about women, no matter how beautiful they are, that play games like this at all costs.

Remember guys she WILL make effort to contact or be with you no matter how busy she is and she WILL NOT jerk you around if her intentions of being with you are sincere.

 

[golf299]

couldn't of said it better myself. i just got done with a chick that did the exact same thing you described. it was hard, and still is, but i've nexted her.

who the hell knows what girls are thinking...and they'll never give you a straight answer--probably because they don't even know what they're thinking or what they want....frustrating, but eventually we'll find someone who doesn't play such games...

 

[Carioca123]

****ing with them works best. Just play mind games against them. Never get hooked on a girl and you can have fun pissing around with them. WHO CARES?!!

 

[spukee]

woo... seriously - I'm in the middle of this same sort of thing too. Met a girl three weeks ago, and the first date we just clicked. She ended up spending the night, we made plans to go to a party the next weekend, and we hung out again during the week with the same good results.

Then the day of the party comes, she flakes on me at the last minute, and she's been playing stupid mind games ever since... all signs point towards her being an AW, and I'm getting the vibe that I'm not the only guy she's done this sort of thing with.

Cest la vie, right? It's too bad though; it's not real often I meet a girl I want to hang out with for more than a single night.

 

[sapphire]

Great rule of thumb that I follow and lets me weed out the flakes.

Just last week this girl from match.com e-mails me saying that she thought I was interesting. So, I e-mail her back and tell her to call me. She calls me and we have a pretty good conversation. I set up a date for the following weekend and she seems fine with it. I call her a couple of days before to confirm the date for Saturday afternoon. She calls back to confirm. On Saturday I call her again. No answer but she calls me back and says that she is too tired to see me that day and she did not counter offer which means low IL in spite of the fact that she was the one who contacted me first on match.

All of the women that I have been with who had high IL always showed up for dates never cancelled or otherwise played games.

So your point is very well taken. If she is interested, believe me, a girl will go to the ends of the earth to be with a guy. She may well be attracted to you and still flake, but those types of girls are too high maintenance and troublesome to go out with and are really only good for sex.

 

[TizZle]

My question to Zman:
Did she set up all the dates? If so why did you let her do this.

1. Somewhere in the DJ bible it says to "not" set up a date right after the initial one. Just tell her you had a good time and you will give her a call. I believe you had shown too much interest too early by setting up a date the next day.

2. Calling to confirm a date is a good thing imo, but calling again well i probably wouldn't suggest that.

3. I bet you paid for every date? How nice! And you even paid for her and her sister's meal. Did you go open the door for them when they went to the bathroom? Sheesh

4. Once the girl stops contacting you she is pulling away. The best thing to do is pull away also. Sometimes their interest level will start to rise again and sometimes not. But you aren't worried about that because you are the prize.

I think you were too available and not much of a challenge. One the of sexiest things you can do with a woman is lead her. I don't see where you did this at all. Please enlighten me.

Also, did you try to escalate past just kissing ?

Ok, here's what i have learned from your story. I should be a challenge. I should Lead her. I'm not going to pay for every date because im at a time where i want to be a lover not a provider. I should escalate past kissing within 2 weeks especially if we have clicked and I feel our interest levels are high for each other.

 

[Zman1]

1. She had set up the date for the next day after the first one right after we were going our separate ways.

2. I understand calling to confirm is good, I shouldnt have called more than once, but everything was going well after that.

3. I paid for three of our dates and she paid for two of them. To me this is a grey area of paying for it or not. I didnt take her anyplace fancy just pizza and coffee. She did dress up to look her best with makeup each time by the way.

4. It was strange it was an all of a sudden event. I went out to meet with her and the sister. The date went well and we left and everything was fine. I didnt call again until two days later Wednesday and she hasnt talked to me since last monday.

The date where we had time before she left at 10 we went back to my place, we were alone she straddled me and i went to kiss her neck and chest after a couple mins she said ok i gtg we are doing something that is going to be naughty and lead to other things. Not trying to press her I let her go.

I would like to make a note that within the period of us going out dinner and me meeting her sister, she went skiing. The guy she was seeing before me is about 10 years older and worked at this ski resort. She told me on the phone the day after skiing when she had called me that they sat in the hottub together and he confessed his undying love for her. Keep in mind this is the period between the dinner date and meeting the sister. I didnt say anything to that and acted like I didnt care. Also, after I met her sister and called wednesday she had come online that evening and i asked her if she would like to hangout the upcoming weekend, this past weekend. She told me she was headed somewhere to meet some friends. Didnt tell me who or where.

I personally think that I did make a few mistakes but nothing major to have cost me. I think when she went skiing and talked to this guy he got into her head because they were something previous and she jumped for the already known security blanket.

 

[Zman1]

Sapphire,

I liked your last paragraph that you made your point. Nothing is perfect when it comes to dating women. In my case I think that I had somebody who was damaged goods and will always go for the moron.

Also to add when I first met her she did say that her sister and parents always criticize her taste in men. She stated,"They always ask why I choose somebody who is disrespectful?"

 

[Hellboy]

Sounds like she was always gonna go back to this guy. She had fun with you and obviously did like you to an extent. But she wasn't thinking clearly and you helped take her mind off the games he was playing with her.

A girl dumped by a guy will always feel the pang of rejection more than the thrill of a new guy, cos after an LTR it takes a lot of time for the hurt and the feelings to die away. You were never gonna steal her heart from him. Not at that point.

Its a shame, sounds like she could have done herself a lot of favours getting with you. She's ignoring her common sense and following her 'heart', knowing full well it's gonna get broken again. That's what people do. How fukin crazy is that?

Most girls got some baggage. Hell, I've given a few girls some... And it's worth noting that a lot of girls aren't as available as the term 'single' might imply.

 

[DeathDealer]

Dis thread izza good reading.

As DJs date more and more and get more and more experience they are quicker at weeding out ones that waste your time.

That's why h0s go crazier and crazier as they date more and more guys because they've been f0cked and chucked by so many guys that they are desperate for the next guy but they lack control which we guys have FROM EXPERIENCE. If you lack the experience and try to play it "cool and smooth" YOU WILL FAIL.

That is why girls are more attracted to the seasoned male (a male whose had 2-3 LTRs) than someone who has never dated before.

 

[sapphire]

Originally posted by Hellboy
Sounds like she was always gonna go back to this guy. She had fun with you and obviously did like you to an extent. But she wasn't thinking clearly and you helped take her mind off the games he was playing with her.

A girl dumped by a guy will always feel the pang of rejection more than the thrill of a new guy, cos after an LTR it takes a lot of time for the hurt and the feelings to die away. You were never gonna steal her heart from him. Not at that point.

Its a shame, sounds like she could have done herself a lot of favours getting with you. She's ignoring her common sense and following her 'heart', knowing full well it's gonna get broken again. That's what people do. How fukin crazy is that?

Most girls got some baggage. Hell, I've given a few girls some... And it's worth noting that a lot of girls aren't as available as the term 'single' might imply.

Just to add, women often times will go out with a nice guy for the time being to boost their ego, etc, after splitting up with their jerk off BF's. It appears that you were the temporary rebound guy who boosted her ego by doing nice things and what not for the time being.

 

[Zman1]

Excellent post Hellboy and I couldn't agree more.

Men think logically and women think with feeling and thats a downfall that us men have to learn to pick apart and deal with.

She will eventually realize how she messed everything up with me or anybody else that respected her, but by then it will be too late.

 

[Robbie]

You sound like a real gentleman when you describe the way you treated this girl. I'm not sure about the low key part though. I know it probably tells you to do that somewhere in the dj bible, but if this girl is someone you wanted a relationship with, why set a precedence for playing games?

I can see using rules and playing games if you are going out to sarge a bar, or whatever, and you want to use the super ultra mystery method version four, but you obviously weren't looking to sleep with her and then forget about her.

Regardless, you got to meet her sister and it sounds like you both had a lot of fun.

I bet she really likes you as a person.

I bet she is either really confused about whether or not she wants to sleep with you, or she just plain doesn't want to sleep with you.

This happens a lot. A girl has mixed feelings about getting into bed with a guy. She dates him and takes things as they come. She likes the guy but unfortunately, she cannot bring herself to having sex with him. She just isn'tturned on enough. Unfortunately, she then has to find a way to back out of the relationship without hurting the poor guy, making herself look bad, or having this guy get angry at her.

I'm not saying this is what happened, but she might have done you that night she got on top of you if her interest was all the way up there. Give it another two weeks and I'll be able to call it.

This is the Point Of Relationship - if I can borrow some retail jargon - where the man accuses the woman of everything under the sun and then desperately looks for a way to seduce her back to his side, or better yet, into bed.

It's easy for Zman1 to get mad at this woman. I have been in his shoes over and over and over and over and over again since I've been out of college, and that is why I'm finally here. If I could tell him how to win back this woman and turn her on, then I would probably be too busy doing that kind of stuff myself to post here.



The only thing I am qualified to offer is a warning: there was once a man who frequented this forum - maybe at least one - who really liked being with girls and wanted to have warm and loving relationships. He had his share of ups and downs but he bought into this mentality that women only think with feeling, that women make mistakes when they reject him, that women do not deserve to be treated respectfully, and that women are cold and self-serving.

You can never trust a woman, he thought, as he began to adopt all of these tips and tricks and gunwitch methods and svengali stuff, three second rules and ross jeffries speed seduction. After months of scouring this board for any and all insight into the female psyche (mostly from a teenage male perspective), he finally decided to harbor angry thoughts towards all women, especially those who had done him wrong, and he built up this wall of anger that precluded him from approaching the women he used to ask out on dates. It blinded him to the few women here and there who actually dug him and would have gone out with him.

Zman1 came across as a saint that women would fight over until the very bottom of his post, when the negativity crept in. I don't have the skills to help you win this girl or keep up another girl's interest level or whatever, but man, just try to give this woman the benefit of the doubt. Yes, NEXT her unless she comes back with a good excuse and jumps your bones right then and there, but please just try to imagine that she does not mean you any disrespect even though she hurt you. Hey, she could be a bad apple, but it just doesn't sound like it. So what if she's with the other guy? That's who she wants. At least she's not trying to screw you both so you get whatever disease he has.

Keep meeting women. Stay positive.

 

[christz]

the sad truth of this, is these are the girls that want nothing more than to **** dudes over, and make them feel there pain

any girl that is gettin out of an LTR and going into another relationship its pretty safe to say it won't last, it could go on for weeks, months or years but if the female didn't allow time for recovery problems will always surface

 

[Robbie]

Originally posted by christz
the sad truth of this, is these are the girls that want nothing more than to **** dudes over, and make them feel there pain

any girl that is gettin out of an LTR and going into another relationship its pretty safe to say it won't last, it could go on for weeks, months or years but if the female didn't allow time for recovery problems will always surface

Why? Is this the same for when we get out of long term relationships with females?

I know a woman who got out of a relationship of five years with a man we thought she might marry, and she soon after began seeing another man whom she has been with for going on three years.

Are you sure Zman1's date wanted to hurt him?

 

[christz]

Originally posted by Robbie
Why? Is this the same for when we get out of long term relationships with females?

I know a woman who got out of a relationship of five years with a man we thought she might marry, and she soon after began seeing another man whom she has been with for going on three years.

Are you sure Zman1's date wanted to hurt him?

nobody WANTS to hurt anybody, and i'm sayin you gotta give yourself some recovery time otherwise shyt always resurfaces about your e/x

i have a friend haylee who is with a guy she got with RIGHT AFTER almost immediatly after her LTR broke apart, she was with that guy for 5 years, now 2 years into this new relationship she's fighting with him, talking about her e/x a lot and all her scars are opening up again.

 

[Robbie]

two years is longer than many marriages

not so certain it's unusually for couples to fight or for dirt to get transfered from relationship to relationship

I agree with you though that before someone jumps into a relationship, they should sort of make sure they're over the previous relationship to the extent where they can function in the next.

I still think this post may have more to do with the girl's lack of a reaction to Zman1 than to her bad decision so to speak. She had an opportunity to do whatever she wanted sexually with Zman1 and she let it go.

 

[Zman1]

I would like to thank everybody who has posted to my discussion. In my opinion everybody is right with their response to my problem. I actually think it could be combinations of your responses as to why it ended this way.

(Keep in mind this is what she had told me from the first meeting till now)

This woman I was dating had a five year relationship that ended abruptly in August of 2004. She was devastated and had a hard time coping and I think still has a problem if she mentioned it to me.

The guy she was with during those five years was unmotivated and had no ambition to do anything with his life whatsoever. She had planned for them to go on their honeymoon up to Alaska. She paid bills for him and had written applications for him to go to a trade school or college.

Five years of this drama and lack of respect she received happened in August 2004, her ex actually left her for another woman a week after he had spilt.

She was upset and crushed.

In December of 2004 she tries to date again and meets a guy ten years her elder that works at a ski resort.

They were still semi dating till she sent me a personals email at the end of February 2005. She told that she had yet to tell him that she was starting to see somebody else (ME). She had stated that it wasn’t going anywhere with the older guy and she was going to break it off nicely with him.

From then on is the information stated in my first post. Keep in mind what I have told you is what she had stated to me the first couple times we went out.

My opinion on the situation is as follows. She was an attractive woman that had an interest in me. She was probably still hurt from the five year relationship ending as it did and that on top of her working a full job, going to school, and student teaching compounded the situation.

I do not believe in my heart that she had gone back to the older man between me and her five year deal. I think she is just confused, hurt, and taken back and overwhelmed with everything happening.

The bottom line is this: She had the opportunity to make it with somebody a month older than her age wise that wanted the same things and would take care of and respect her. She chose to sit on the situation rather than improve it and herself in the process. Her opportunity has come and passed, if we hang out in the future it will be only as friends. It is such a shame too, I see that she had the potential with so much to offer. She needs to straighten herself out!

 

[Cheat_LBJ]

Originally posted by Zman1
We had met via yahoo personals.

I don't care how far technology progresses, meeting women on the internet is still AFC loser crap.

Seriously, I think it wise disregard any post that starts with someone DJ'ing on AIM, MSN or some other internet site.

-LB

 

[Wyldfire]

This is the down side to internet dating, fellas. You can meet a woman and really hit it off and she can be very interested in you...UNTIL...some other guy she likes better contacts her. This is just the nature of the beast. Just like you guys will lose interest in one woman when something better comes along, women do the same thing. Don't take it personally...it's just the nature of the beast.