Captain AFC
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2006
- Messages
- 41
- Reaction score
- 1
When I first came here, I was in a desperate state, as many people seem to be when they post here. You talk to family and friends occasionally about what's going through your head, but usually you get dunderhead answers, or answers that come from people who've done about as much "study" or questioning about dating as you did... which is about nil. The first day I decided to take some of the things said at this site seriously was the day I discovered that even after a five year relationships and an engagement, I rarely spent that much time actually "studying" or reading about relationships and how they work.
This isn't to say that I now believe that I can just read a book and become a great partner. Rather, while I know in my own heart and conscious that I tried my best, sometimes more than my best, I was still ignorant.
Primarily, when I looked at my last relationship, I really did want to marry the girl. I didn't know what I was doing, as she was a LSE with an extreme need to be put in her place and paid attention to, but I just didn't know what to do. I was always taught that these types of people are defective and meant to be left alone or scorned. Well, maybe avoided if you can't handle it, and yet I some how bumbled through five years of it.
Regardless, it's been a year and half now. For a majority of it, I sat there wallowing and blaming myself for literally everything. When they give you advice to think hateful thoughts about the ex or what not, I did the opposite and thought hateful thoughts about myself. It wasn't very productive. So I finally asked for advice and insight here.
The thoughts I received were good. I went to other places too, just to cross-check and see what other people were talking about. mASF, etc. A variety of other places. The strange part about all of it was the overall message. Everyone was saying, "Be a man," and what to do about "sh1t" tests, and what have you. Everyone seemed to say the same thing about taking charge, not being afraid of being that "dirty scoundrel" in the bedroom, etc.
But when it came down to responsibility, I always seemed to read a double message. Here are the messages I thought I was reading, all in the same passages or threads.
1.) Women are like irrational (insert whatever you want to call them) emotional types. They do not think like men. They will eat you up and spit you out. Learn to not put them on a pedestal. They will never help you fix a relationship. Dont let them tear you apart. They most probably will. All women will try to betaise you, for whatever reason (whether you believe it's evolution, psychology, the way it is, etc.). You didn't know, but now you know the truth. In essense... it's not completely your fault.
2.) Men are the screw ups and the incompetents in relationships. They always screw everything up. Women don't mess up relationships... men do. Failed relationships are the result of you not doing what it means to be man. When you didn't pick up on the covert language to give your gf/wife/whatever the rough sex or spanking she wanted, that was your complete utter failure. You weren't good enough for her. Thank goodness she left you. Now you can finally work on yourself. She could not help you do this. She had to drop you like the worm you were before this process could happen.
Please understand, I know my statements are exagerations, and people haven't exactly used that language, but these are the messages I seem to be getting from reading from over here and in like-minded posts over at other servers. On the one hand, it's "Cheer up buddy, you didn't know, you seem to have some personal accountability, which is good, so now chin up, accept it, and drop that girl and move on." And the other hand, "Wow, you're a pathetic loser. Women rock. If I was a woman, I'd dump you too. The relationship begins, ends, and fails only because of men. If you're a nice guy, you're actually a vile punk and I am glad your GF treated you like slime. Go her!"
So what am I really doing with all of this knowledge now? I am eager to use it, to grow, and to find myself a suitable mate, but also become someone capable of being in a partnership that doesn't destroy me as an individual. And yet, I feel like I am now put under even more pressure. No, it wasn't my complete and utter fault... and yet it was. I'm not supposed to supplicate, etc., and yet I'm somehow coverty doing just that. She gets to act like a whiny brat, etc., and it's all up to me to make sure that I respond accordingly and correctly. And it never ends.
Which isn't the part that gets me; it's the part where men seem to at once say:
"This isn't our fault, but as you can see, it's totally our fault. We are not worthless, but we are. Women are not on pedestals... but we're going to figure out how to please them while they, collectively, do none of the above."
Doesn't that seem at least a bit odd to you, or do any of you at least sometimes wonder what the heck is really going on?
I'll leave it at that. No, I am not claiming that this is all bunk and that I now will deny everything that's being taught here. It's just that I came in with the attitude of, "This is my fault," I get somewhat comforted, and then as I learned about all the techniques and approaches, I only began to feel more guilty. Guiltier than I did before I even came here. Not that it's a problem at this moment, but for a while, it was. Sort of like a "Hey, the failure is hard, and youv'e owned up to your shortcomings, but it wasn't all your fault. But hey, if you had just done this this and that (which ironically seems so straightfoward and simple), it would have kept her in line and given her great pleasure, and you'd both be happy. Field tested. So yeah, it is entirely your bad. Cheers!"
Sorry for the ramble. But I just wanted to get that out. Maybe someone has an insight that'll clear my head of this stuff. Perhaps I'm getting too cerebral. I'm planning on just taking a break from all the reading and posting soon.
This isn't to say that I now believe that I can just read a book and become a great partner. Rather, while I know in my own heart and conscious that I tried my best, sometimes more than my best, I was still ignorant.
Primarily, when I looked at my last relationship, I really did want to marry the girl. I didn't know what I was doing, as she was a LSE with an extreme need to be put in her place and paid attention to, but I just didn't know what to do. I was always taught that these types of people are defective and meant to be left alone or scorned. Well, maybe avoided if you can't handle it, and yet I some how bumbled through five years of it.
Regardless, it's been a year and half now. For a majority of it, I sat there wallowing and blaming myself for literally everything. When they give you advice to think hateful thoughts about the ex or what not, I did the opposite and thought hateful thoughts about myself. It wasn't very productive. So I finally asked for advice and insight here.
The thoughts I received were good. I went to other places too, just to cross-check and see what other people were talking about. mASF, etc. A variety of other places. The strange part about all of it was the overall message. Everyone was saying, "Be a man," and what to do about "sh1t" tests, and what have you. Everyone seemed to say the same thing about taking charge, not being afraid of being that "dirty scoundrel" in the bedroom, etc.
But when it came down to responsibility, I always seemed to read a double message. Here are the messages I thought I was reading, all in the same passages or threads.
1.) Women are like irrational (insert whatever you want to call them) emotional types. They do not think like men. They will eat you up and spit you out. Learn to not put them on a pedestal. They will never help you fix a relationship. Dont let them tear you apart. They most probably will. All women will try to betaise you, for whatever reason (whether you believe it's evolution, psychology, the way it is, etc.). You didn't know, but now you know the truth. In essense... it's not completely your fault.
2.) Men are the screw ups and the incompetents in relationships. They always screw everything up. Women don't mess up relationships... men do. Failed relationships are the result of you not doing what it means to be man. When you didn't pick up on the covert language to give your gf/wife/whatever the rough sex or spanking she wanted, that was your complete utter failure. You weren't good enough for her. Thank goodness she left you. Now you can finally work on yourself. She could not help you do this. She had to drop you like the worm you were before this process could happen.
Please understand, I know my statements are exagerations, and people haven't exactly used that language, but these are the messages I seem to be getting from reading from over here and in like-minded posts over at other servers. On the one hand, it's "Cheer up buddy, you didn't know, you seem to have some personal accountability, which is good, so now chin up, accept it, and drop that girl and move on." And the other hand, "Wow, you're a pathetic loser. Women rock. If I was a woman, I'd dump you too. The relationship begins, ends, and fails only because of men. If you're a nice guy, you're actually a vile punk and I am glad your GF treated you like slime. Go her!"
So what am I really doing with all of this knowledge now? I am eager to use it, to grow, and to find myself a suitable mate, but also become someone capable of being in a partnership that doesn't destroy me as an individual. And yet, I feel like I am now put under even more pressure. No, it wasn't my complete and utter fault... and yet it was. I'm not supposed to supplicate, etc., and yet I'm somehow coverty doing just that. She gets to act like a whiny brat, etc., and it's all up to me to make sure that I respond accordingly and correctly. And it never ends.
Which isn't the part that gets me; it's the part where men seem to at once say:
"This isn't our fault, but as you can see, it's totally our fault. We are not worthless, but we are. Women are not on pedestals... but we're going to figure out how to please them while they, collectively, do none of the above."
Doesn't that seem at least a bit odd to you, or do any of you at least sometimes wonder what the heck is really going on?
I'll leave it at that. No, I am not claiming that this is all bunk and that I now will deny everything that's being taught here. It's just that I came in with the attitude of, "This is my fault," I get somewhat comforted, and then as I learned about all the techniques and approaches, I only began to feel more guilty. Guiltier than I did before I even came here. Not that it's a problem at this moment, but for a while, it was. Sort of like a "Hey, the failure is hard, and youv'e owned up to your shortcomings, but it wasn't all your fault. But hey, if you had just done this this and that (which ironically seems so straightfoward and simple), it would have kept her in line and given her great pleasure, and you'd both be happy. Field tested. So yeah, it is entirely your bad. Cheers!"
Sorry for the ramble. But I just wanted to get that out. Maybe someone has an insight that'll clear my head of this stuff. Perhaps I'm getting too cerebral. I'm planning on just taking a break from all the reading and posting soon.