a good marriage?

[ShortTimer]

You know what scares the hell out of me about marriage? Hearing actual married men talk about it. This board, just like in real life, really focuses on the doom and gloom part of marriage. Well what about the good things? I mean, if there is nothing positive about it then why do it?

What I'm trying to get at is, does anyone actually know anyone who is happily married? Does anyone know of any successful marriages?

My personal experience tells me that I know of about a handful that I am suspicious are actually working out; I'm not positive though because I don't know the situation better.

Really guys, if marriage is so negative then should we really do it?

 

[WestCoaster]

My parents, married for many decades, very content and happy. Both well-educated, well-travelled, have their own interests and share their own interests.

But may parents are also quite old, so they're not part of the new-age freaks out there who are out to get money out of you from a divorce, or create drama in their daily lives.

Today's happy marriages? I don't know many. Most of my friends are utterly miserable.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Good question. I have been made cynical by the excellent arguments against marriage put forward on this board. In real life I see very few couples who after about 5-10 years are still very much in love. Most of the happy marriages I see are between older people.

I did notice that Christian marriages between devoted Christians do tend to be very happy though.

I think the problem is that people get married for the wrong reasons-such as physical attraction, money, because they are scared of being alone, boredom, children (esp women). I am sure the best thing to do is to view marriage as a partnership and rather than be seduced by passing infatuation, marry a girl who is also your best friend, has a lot in common with you, and is a morally decent girl who plays fair. If this requires a compromise in looks so be it.

 

[WaterTiger]

Yep! My folks too! Celebrated 45 years together this June. They were both very active socially, Dad had his clubs, Mom had hers.
They had fights like any couple, didn't speak for a day or two, but they always worked things out.

Marriages aren't fairy tale "happily ever after" bull sh!t. Marriages are hard work beginings. You have to work at them, negotiate, compromise. They are far more like a business than a romance novel will let you belive. Marry a good business partner, some one with a brain, who can work and pick up the slack.

Ever notice the romance novels always end right BEFORE the wedding?
"Oh James! I've been such a fool! I love you!"
"I love you too Sarah! Marry me!"
Kiss, kiss, kiss....THE END.

Never tells you how they put up with each other for the next thirty or forty years...THAT would be a romance novel!

 

[So Many Ways]

My parents will have been married for 35 years come November. I think it is more of the older generation that has the right attitude when it comes to marriage. From what I've seen from women in my age category, finding a woman who is
A) not fat
B) no kids
C) not psycho
D) not a s l u t
E) not bitter
Those are just the characteristics of women I don't want. Then when I add the characteristics of what I like (i e, nice, smart enough to know who the president is, knows how to treat people) it gets even narrower. Women without those above 5 issues in their mid to late 20's are few and far between. I sure as hell would not marry one. Personally I don't see myself getting married.

 

[WestCoaster]

One problem is the ceremony

Women seem to think the marriage ceremony itself will transform dirtbags into classy guys. Men think marriages will make them settle down. Neither is true. The package you bought is what you get.

The getting down on one knee to propose, the two months salary to buy a ring (one commerical said that is REQUIRED), the white dress, stupid organ music, all that stuff is WAY overrated. Almost every huge, traditional marriage I attended like this either ended in divorce or the couple is miserable. Every ecclectic, weird, hippy, odd, off-beat wedding I attended is now together and the couples are happy. What the heck? Probably because they're not worried about all these stereotypes.

People put too much into the ceremony and not the marriage itself.

* Bungo Pony from this board seems happily married. That's because he's a DJ who respects himself and his wife, and he doesn't put up with sh-t.

 

[ShortTimer]

Originally posted by Matt Rogers
marry a girl who... is a morally decent girl who plays fair. If this requires a compromise in looks so be it.

At the risk of spreading cynicism: with or without the looks, where the hell would I find one of those? Do they even exists?

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by ShortTimer
At the risk of spreading cynicism: with or without the looks, where the hell would I find one of those? Do they even exists?

Well let's seee...ah....There's me, (but I'm old enought to be your mother) and there's Tiny Dancer....maybe she has a big sister?

Unfortunatly, today's society seems to exalult manipulative player, overblown revenge for the smallest slight and "get them before they get you" kind of thinking.

 

[Crank_It_Up]

Originally posted by ShortTimer
...What I'm trying to get at is, does anyone actually know anyone who is happily married? Does anyone know of any successful marriages?...

my parents, happily married since 1951.... also 2 out of 3 brothers, both married over 25 years, and myself of course, married for over 24 years.

 

[Austin Allegro]

I do know a few happy married couples, but these tend to be older (50+) people who reached maturity before the social revolution of the late sixties.

Of the younger happy married couples I know, one is a Jewish couple who are into the whole family thing, another is a Canadian couple who are both very independent but easy going people with their own lives.

I think the problems come when people view marriage as a 'miracle worker' that will somehow solve all their problems - this is how the AFC media portrays it.

If you view marriage rationally, ie as an economic and social contract for the fair division of property and the secure upbringing of legitimate children, you can't go too wrong I think. Add to this a VERY small amount of religious mysticism and romance to keep things sweet. The trouble is the 'romance' element has become dominant in modern marriage and this NEVER lasts, hence the high divorce rate.

 

[phillydude]

Pick me... I'm very happily married to a wonderful woman who is her own individual. I think a big part of making it work is for each person to respect the others "space"... allowing their spouse to do whatever makes them happy, while maintaining open lines of communication so that the pursuit of happiness does not interfere with the union of marriage. IMO, too many people get wrapped up in relationships where they "give up" their own lives to become part of a "new" life with their partner, which leads to resentment and jealousy down the road.

I look at it this way. There is NO WAY I will ever be "everything" to my wife. I try and support her emotional, mental, and physical needs to my best abilities, but I'm never going to be able to do it all to her 100% satisfaction. So if she needs to go elsewhere to have those needs met, then I applaud her for taking that initiative to make herself happy.

If that means she needs to join a book club to have intellectual discussion on subjects that are uninteresting to me (like politics or religion), fine... here's a gift card to Borders so you can buy the books and the coffee for the meetings. If she needs to take off for a weekend with her girlfriends to talk about her feelings and her emotions (like most men, I'm much further away from my emotional side than she is, so I'm not the best person to talk to about feelings), great... here's a plane ticket and the reservation number for the hotel. And if for some reason she wants to have a threesome with two black dudes just to "cross it off the list" of her fantasies, well... OK... just make sure you tell me about it... in detail... with pictures or video if possible... <grin>

Of course, my wife grants me the same kind of "space"... because our relationship is built on trust and understanding. And as a result, I have my interests (fast cars and Harleys, nightclubs and parties, sports, etc.) and she has hers (gardening, photography, book club, etc.). But we still spend a lot of time together, rarely if ever fight or argue, love and cherish our children, and have the kind of marriage that other people comment on when discussions like "Is there anyone left who is happily married?" come up.

 

[ShortTimer]

Originally posted by phillydude
And if for some reason she wants to have a threesome with two black dudes just to "cross it off the list" of her fantasies, well... OK... just make sure you tell me about it... in detail... with pictures or video if possible... <grin>

See, this is why I couldn't be married... I'm far too selfish to share.

 

[decades]

I think a marriage can work when the partners stop worrying about chasing dxck and pvvssy. Once they focus on other things like work and making the home and the world a better place then they can make a marriage work. Wanting to chase tail whether its the husband or the wife doing it, will undermine the marriage.

regards

mike

 

[WestCoaster]

Philly and Austin are right

I'm no expert on marriage, never having been, but have good role models in my parents who have been married forever.

Philly is right, you have to have your own intersts and respect those of your mate.

And Austin is right on the romance factor, that cannot be the backbone of a marriage.

Just think of friends you have: You don't share all the same interests, so why should your wife? I have ecclectic music tastes, like collegiate sports, and play tennis. My best friend or more than 25 years is into more mainstream music and likes pro baseball way more than I do. So what? We get along great. He's married and has three kids, I'm single and have no kids.

When people get married, our stupid society says they should be clones of each other ... that's why you see these AFC men being drug everywhere by their b-tchy wives.

And yes, most happily married people I know are older. Today's younger generation has been too corrupted by our ingnorant, AFC society.

 

[dietzcoi]

Oh no Water Tiger, your best friend is a MAN???

Haven't you learned anything on this site???

Dietzcoi

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
Oh no Water Tiger, your best friend is a MAN???

Haven't you learned anything on this site???

Dietzcoi

Oh ye of little faith! I'm almost insulted!

I've learned LOTS from this site! That's why I drug him here and made him register! He's downloaded the DJ bible and is dating hot, young chicks!(AND getting laid!)
* I give him advice on girls, he gives me a guy's point of view.
* He buys the movie tickets, I buy the popcorn & snacks.
* He teaches me to play pool, I buy him beer & nachos!
* When I date guys from on-line, he's my safety call, checking with me via cell phone to make sure I haven't been murdered. And when he's driving home at 1 in the morning, I'm his safety call, staying on the phone with him to keep him awake.

Friendship is a balance, I do things for him, he does things for me, and we have a great time. What's wrong with that?

 

[decades]

Originally posted by WaterTiger
Oh ye of little faith! I'm almost insulted!

I've learned LOTS from this site! That's why I drug him here and made him register! He's downloaded the DJ bible and is dating hot, young chicks!(AND getting laid!)
* I give him advice on girls, he gives me a guy's point of view.
* He buys the movie tickets, I buy the popcorn & snacks.
* He teaches me to play pool, I buy him beer & nachos!
* When I date guys from on-line, he's my safety call, checking with me via cell phone to make sure I haven't been murdered. And when he's driving home at 1 in the morning, I'm his safety call, staying on the phone with him to keep him awake.

Friendship is a balance, I do things for him, he does things for me, and we have a great time. What's wrong with that?

he sounds like a great guy. and now that he is obviously a DJ, I wonder what's the matter? small penis?

Mike

 

[Centy]

my dad was 40 when he went back to university to freshen up his diploma, ended up meeting a 25year chick that he married and is still married to after 20 years.

mucho respect to him.

 

[dietzcoi]

Water TIger

I just realized I misread Westcoasters post thinking it was from you, that is why I made my best friend comment... please ignore it... but on the other hand, you should answer Persistent Extractions question!!!

Dietzcoi

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by persistent exaction
he sounds like a great guy. and now that he is obviously a DJ, I wonder what's the matter? small penis?

Mike

Never seen him naked so I have no idea! We are FRIENDS...not f uck buddies. He's blond and WAY too young for my taste! Young blond guys don't do it for me. I like dark haired guys my own age, like the guy I'm dating now