This is not me this is my friend... Please give him some suggestions if you can. I don't know what to say since I haven't really been in a serious relationship.
Forgive me for being unable to include everything which I think is relevant and important without being concise. I welcome any thoughts which you may have about anything regarding my situation.
I've been dating this girl (I'll call her Sarah) for over two years. During this time, I lived with her, while still having a dorm room but which I rarely visited. Our relationship was pretty serious, we both thought about the possibility of engagement at times. We were in the same class (in college), but I'm taking a 5th year to finish degrees in engineering, math, and computer science. In the spring she was accepted to a top ranking school for her program and we've known that after this year, she'd be in grad school and I'd still be here in undergrad. This summer, I'm staying in town to take some summer classes and she's here to finish her research so that she can get a publication.
The house I'm renting with some roommates was in bad shape and so while we waited for the landlord to fix it, Sarah and I lived in a friend's apartment for the beginning of the summer. The friend wasn't living there and hadn't moved out yet, so she let us stay there temporarily. One of my roommates (Adam) is also in town, he intended on getting a job but never did. While we were staying at our friend's apartment he was house-sitting outside of the city.
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I sensed that Sarah was having difficulties with our relationship so I brought it up, and she acknowledged it and said she needed time to think about things because she didn't know if she was ready to carry such a strong commitment through to graduate school. We agreed it was best if we both had some space to think about things, so I moved into the house. After about a week Adam moved into the house. Shortly after Sarah moved in as well (a separate bedroom), since our friend had to move out of her apartment. We still continued to spend time together, and as Adam had become my friend and consequently Sarah's over the previous year, it was usually the three of us hanging out (and also visitors who have been coming and going throughout the summer).
I was getting the impression that Sarah was more interested in spending time with everyone but me (usually just Adam). I concluded that she was evading the issue of breaking up with me and I thought it would be best for both of us if we did break up. I talked to her about it, and we did break up. It's always hard letting go of someone you've grown into, but for the most part I felt pretty good about it and I felt like I had closure and a breath of fresh air. I felt comfortable spending time with her and hanging out with everyone.
A few days after the breakup, however, I came home after class and went to Sarah's room to say hi. Her door was open and she was just waking up. She said she couldn't find her glasses so I looked around for them and saw a condom wrapper on the floor. I didn't mention it but I went to my room and dealt with my shock for a few hours. I started to put the pieces together.
During the time that Sarah and I had been living apart from each other, I noticed that she and Adam were spending a lot of time together and being secretive about it. When I drove to class in the morning, his car would be outside of the apartment she was staying in, and on one such morning he drove back out of town to house-sit, so I knew that he had stayed the night. When I was with Sarah, she wouldn't let me answer her phone calls, so I assumed she didn't want me to see text messages or her call history. My friend told me that Adam admitted to having a girlfriend of sorts, but that he wouldn't reveal any details about it. I attributed it to his introverted and closed personality, and wanting to keep his school friends separate from his girlfriend. She was often flirty with him, but I didn't realize it was flirting at the time. I am fairly certain that they had been involved for at least a few weeks while Sarah and I were still together, and were interested in each other for much longer.
The worst part of this is that after I told Sarah what I knew, how I was hurt, and that I didn't understand she could do such a thing to me, she said she was sorry, but I don't think she was. I thought she'd realize that she'd made a great mistake, and that she shouldn't see Adam anymore to keep from making it anymore painful for me. For a few days I didn't think it was even a question.
I realized that she was still seeing Adam, or at least still flirting with him and probably sleeping with him. Eventually I noticed him sneaking into and out of her room at night. I told her that I had been willing to try to salvage a friendship with her because she was important to me, but I couldn't do it if she wanted to keep the door open with Adam. She told me it wasn't fair of me to give her an ultimatum, that if she had to choose, she would choose me, but that this was not the 'me' she knew. She said I was being controlling.
She tried to ignore the conditions I put on a potential friendship with her. She was friendly with me, I took it to mean that maybe she was coming around. I played along for a few days, but it was obvious that nothing was changing. I finally told her that she had made her choice, and that I would have to force myself to cut her off. That morning she had been moving out of the house, which I found out shortly after making things final. I haven't seen or talked to her since.
From the beginning, it wasn't even a question of whether it was worth it to try to be friends with Aaron or forgive him. He hasn't offered any sort of apology but I really don't care, I don't have or want anything to do with him. Unfortunately, we are both living here until the lease ends after August. It will be unpleasant but I can deal with it.
At this point, I think I'm moving on pretty well. I don't feel so attached to Sarah, and I am no longer having trouble sleeping or getting my mind off of the whole thing.
I'm trying to figure out, however, how to approach the next year of my life. I'm going to have some very heavy semesters, more demanding than I've dealt with so far. After that I'll be going to graduate school. Although I don't even want to think about dating again, I do want to love someone again. I don't know how long it will be before I feel ready for another relationship, but if I happen to meet someone this year, would it be better to save myself the trouble of a long distance relationship, which will be a very likely consequence? Would it be worth trying? Worth having a different experience, if only temporary? I suppose I am also wondering about the futility of actively making new friends, and whether it is worth the effort if I'm going to be leaving after a year, when I could just give myself more breathing room in my academic life.
I am also wondering if I'll again make the mistake of trusting the wrong person too much. I am not sure I should have ever gotten involved with Sarah in the first place. At the time there were some signs that maybe we would work, maybe not. I thought I'd take the chance, and wasn't so lucky. I want to learn how to trust someone without doing so blindly. I don't want to close myself off from the world and from new people, but I also don't want to be betrayed again. I suppose this is just something I'll have to learn.
Any thoughts, or suggestions? I'd appreciate any of it. Thanks for taking the time to read this.