A Bit of Guidance on how to Play this?

[hansol]

Hi guys,

Just want a second opinion here before I pull the trigger on anything:

Backstory is the other day, a friend from waaaay back (3 years) got in touch out of the blue. We were always pretty close, but I was a bad AFC in my earlier years, and while I wanted to hook up with her, it never happened. Since then I've seen the error of my ways, and have been "clean" since then. Which was why this has thrown me off slightly, as after I learned what I was doing wrong (in the past), I told this girl to get stuffed and go waste some other guy's time. I deleted her number, and did no contact.

Boom, 3 years later, out of the blue, she gets in touch. She is with a dude, whom is a ****-buddy to her, but he is in love with her. She doesn't want anything serious with him as "he is a dumb ****. I need someone who is intellectual and can have a decent conversation." She has blatantly hit on me, wondered aloud about how good in bed I was (I answered tongue-in-cheek "horrible. I'm a boring accountant. We would just knock teeth." and changed the subject) etc.

So like I said, I liked this girl, she's a good sport, hot, funny, rich, good family, but I was an AFC and ruined it back in the day. I've moved on, made a life for myself, and now she shows up. We have tentatively made plans for tomorrow night (Wednesday) for a coffee to catch up. I already have doubts due to our past, but I figured why not at least see what happens. She never ruined my life or was a wanker to me or anything, it just didn't pan out cause I was a douche.

The catch is she is a notorious flaker. In fact she said to my query on coffee "I have lots to do before my flight to palm springs (leaving for 4 days), but we'll see. We definitely need to catch up" (To me, this reads "ummmmm, no thanks"). So my question related to this long winded drivel is: should I even bother "following up" by asking her tomorrow if we are still on, or should I just "fire and forget", and wait and see if she gets in touch and actually tries to drag me out to this coffee?

I'm booked solid with work until May, so basically she gets this chance and then I'm busy with stuff. I've told her I'm booked up pretty good for the next while, but it should make it interesting to see how it plays out. I'm thinking she's playing an attention *****, seeing if she still has a spell on me or not, but figured I should get a second opinion. Thanks guys, and thanks for reading this nonsense.

 

[hansol]

I thought about it more, and answered my own question: if she wants it bad enough, she'll make an effort. In the mean time, I'm gonna go ring my **** buddy and make plans for tomorrow night.

 

[speedwheel]

You say you've learned your lesson, but yet she seems to not be aware of the fact that flaking is a big no-no. You gotta be flirty, fun, easy-going, laid-back, joking, etc., but you have to let it be know what she can and can't do around you.

You say you have "tentative" plans...did both agree that you'll meet or was it just a suggestion that was like sounds good but I dunno if I have time?

 

[hansol]

Basically it was one of those where I thought to myself "I shouldn't even bother with the effort, 'cause her track record says she's going to flake" and then proceeded to say to her "Hey, I've got some spare time tomorrow night-ish, lets snag a hot chocolate and catch up while I still have time."

She proceeded to say "Yeah totally! We definitely will if I can get the house cleaned up first." I left it that and didn't press anything, as I suppose I'm not expecting much from her, come to think of it.

I just don't want to come across as "overly enthusiastic" to her by checking in and seeing if we are still on. So I suppose I'm working under the assumption that if she wants to meet up, she'll have the balls to get in touch and confirm plans?

 

[Nutz]

She proceeded to say "Yeah totally! We definitely will if I can get the house cleaned up first." I left it that and didn't press anything, as I suppose I'm not expecting much from her, come to think of it.

She'd rather clean her house than hang out with you. Think about that for a moment. Now, you've got three options:

A) You sit back and see if she flakes.

B) You bust on her by saying something like you're more important than cleaning her house. Then you sit back and see if she flakes.

C) Stop wasting your time with this chick.

If you opt for A or B you damn well better have backup plans. Beyond that there's nothing more we can possibly say.

 

[Kailex]

Go get a hot chocolate anyway. Those are excellent.
Whether she shows up or not, is irrelevant and should not worry you.

But go for yourself, and not because she might show up or not. But as you said, she's a notorious flaker. Just have back up plans anyway.

She'll probably flake.

So... in summary:

Get a hot chocolate, have other plans, enjoy your day.

And btw, it never sounds like anything was made to be concrete in this situation, those plans were never firmly made, so that in itself is already the path to a flakey situation.

 

[5string]

No offense, but why are you considering this? She has a FB! I would not want to tap that if she's getting it somewhere else on the side. That's like puttin your chip into a bowl of salsa after someone else has double dipped in it. Secondly, you said she's a flake. Lastly, she bad mouths her FB to you. If she does that to him, she'd probably do it to you. She's just trying to swing to your branch. I'd just blow her off.

 

[hansol]

Thanks for the advice guys, I really appreciate it. I'll try and give the best answers I can for the questions you brought up:

Nutz, you're right. I called her on the "house cleaning being more important" than hanging out with me. Turned it into a joke, and just laughed it off. I'm not excusing flakey behavior, but I know I've turned down dates when I had errands to run, or had to work on my truck, or things like that. So vice versa, "cleaning a truck is more important than seeing some chick." So I can't necessarily harsh on her for that. What I do think a guy is allowed to judge is a girl making plans, and having them flake out 2 hours before.

Next, hot chocolates are awesome, and I go to the coffee house all the time solo. I'm in the middle of finals (last year of accounting), and taking a break from studying to spend an hour just chilling and catching up on the news and seeing the local eye candy is a nice break. I figured maybe this chick would like to meet up as a nice break for ME. The fate of my entire life doesn't depend on this. But pleasant conversation and the occasional laugh is an alright expectation I would think. Making plans that she bails on however IS a waste of my time.

Lastly, I'm considering it because I believe people change (Within reason of course. I know, I know, an idea often debated here...). I was a stupid AFC 3 years ago, and have turned it around. This chick was young (20) when she pulled her ****, so I can forgive. But it's not a free ride either. Hence me posting here to get non-involved opinions. Keep in mind I'm not talking LTR here. It's coffee, and maybe a quick shag in the future. One more plate, right?

Oh and on the note of "bashing the ex", yeah, that's a red flag for me too, but a minor one. How many of us aren't guilty of saying "That ****ing **** wasted my time" at the pub occasionally? This wasn't a lynch session by her, it was me asking how things were with her BF. I brought it up.

Anyway, there's some more thoughts. No doubt I could be way off base here, so I do appreciate the comments and thoughts. You guys always tend to smash the rose-coloured glasses that tend to be put on at times I'm no Don Juan, but I like to think I have a bit more sense than I used to. Nonetheless, it's always good to see all the angles, and that's why I come here: you guys tend to see things that I overlook, even after having my read the knowledge base and turning my life around.