50/50 on breaking up, g/f done nothing wrong - advice from older DJs appreciated

[Ozel599]

Hi there, re-registered as I lost my account details.

Anyway, I've been using this site for a while now as a recovered AFC. I originally came here a number of years ago and then got my first girlfriend - then she cheated on me, this was my turning point following the fantastic advice given from the members on here.

Fast forward to now, I'm in a 2 year LTR. The issue is, my g/f wants to move forward by living together. I will be honest, it does "feel" like we have reached the point in the relationship to consider this, understanding what a massive step it is to take.

For people who may have lived with their girlfriends, or have children your outside views would be appreciated as I believe you will have a better understanding than people who have only spun plates.



The main issue I have: It's become very obvious that my g/f is thinking about settling down, she has even mentioned children and hinted at marriage (she's a year younger than me).

Now this is something that I don't want to "think about" until I'm in my thirties but right now I am definitely not 100% ready for settling. I'd rather spend money on enjoying life while I can,visiting new places & trying new crazy things.


I just can't stop thinking back an forth about ending the relationship depending on my mood. Yesterday I was thinking to end it, today I'm thinking what a great g/f she is. It's completely doing my head in, it doesn't help that she is non-stop going on about living together and every time she's using my iPad she's loading up the property search app.

I'm not asking anyone to make this decision for me, just their opinion from their experiences.

It might seem a bit strange to type it out this way, but its easier than typing an endless post:

What makes me want to end:
- I get the impression she wants to settle right now, even though she said she will wait, it will probably be something she will keep going on about once we have moved in together.
- She has 3 nephews younger than 10, considering how close her family is I have no doubt that these nephews will be over a lot.
- I still want to go out at the weekends, I don't want to be waking on a Sunday morning with a hangover and kids running round the house just yet.
- I feel I am capable of finding another chick that further satisfies my attraction. e.g. self-confidence, flawless skin tone, slim legs
- Finding another chick that works better hours. My current g/f is a nurse on variable shifts that can conflict with my ideas for days or evenings out.
- She is very insecure about her looks and wears very "safe" clothing. Not that I'm saying I want her to be dressed in a mini-skirt and high heels. Its a turn off if we go out to a decent restaurant and I ask her to dress up and she arrives in trousers and a long sleeved top. There is no female "sexiness" about her styling. She once came out in a long dress and looked great but felt very uncomfortable, she's not fat at all and has a curvy figure.
- Becomes upset very easily. For example if I hold back on sex a little to spice things up for next time she asks things like "are you still interested in me?" or if I go out she will always worry about me meeting someone else.
- Her goals are all about getting a house. My g.f once asked me what I would do if I ever won a large amount of prize money. I said I'd donate most of it to my family business, she responded with "er no.. it would go towards a new house".
- I get a little excited with the thought of dating other women
- My current g/f is a terrible kisser
- My friends in LTRs say they are obsessed with their partners and would be excited about living together, I don't feel that way. Not sure if that's a trait of not wanting to let myself go or If I'm not with the right person.


What makes me want to take things further:
- She treats me like gold and has massive respect for me. Every time we see each other the first thing she does is literately run and jump on me then refuses to let go.
- A fantastic companion always trying to please
- Very strong bond, always joking around, cuddling, kissing etc. and yes we do have hot sex.
- Even if I find someone more attractive, age eventually takes its toll anyway.
- She has a secure carrier on a decent salary
- She does voluntary charity work.
- Her parents are still married and go out of there way for me
- The bond with all her family members is rock solid
- Her family have decent income
- I worry that it would be impossible to find someone who offers so much affection and level of interest unless they are overweight or have a butter face.

 

[Von_S]

The question is really are you ready to "get serious" with this girl. When a woman moves in her nesting instinct kicks into overdrive and for you if you're against marriage it will be a difficult and often losing battle for you. For most women they're able to play the long game, they'll start to turn up the pressure in order to get what they want; be it cohabitation, a house, kids, whatever. She won't stop bugging you about it until she has her way and if she gets really desperate she'll start making your life a living hell or throw down an ultimatum. A good friend of mine had a chick who went from OKcupid fvck buddy to wife because she just kept pushing for each step and he caved, BTW her parents and sister now live with them because he caved on that too.

Bottom line is if it's what YOU want and what YOU are ready for, go for it, otherwise dig in your heels and be prepared to walk away because she won't give up pushing you for what SHE wants

 

[loveorlust]

If you're not ready to settle down, you're not ready to settle down. Moving in with her now wouldn't be fair to you or to her.

Good luck and all the best.

 

[JPlaya]

Do what you want to do. Don't ruin your life because of a woman

 

[pyros]

I think the issue here is split in two.
First you dont really love your girlfriend, because she has, from your point of view, many flaws.
Second, you dont want to settle.

Now, you put these two together and here you have the problem.

 

[GhengisT]

You're obviously not ready. If you cave, you'll be unhappy with your decision. It's like you mentioned, all your friends in LTRs are stoked about moving in together. What you are doing is weighing pros/cons, and it doesn't work for relationships. They're too dynamic.

I read a great book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay". It explains why the pros/cons method doesn't work, and instead asks you about 30 of diagnostic questions. You can answer yes to all of them, but if one is a "no", it supersedes the rest & the Doc's recommendation is to leave.

Here are the questions in a nutshell: http://www.turning-point.com.au/Articles/Article 3.htm

Good luck man!

 

[SgtSplacker]

When you move in you have to be completely on the same page with your mate. Otherwise it's gonna be a pain in the arse. There will be no escape from her opinions, criticisims, and desires. Moving in is the same as taking a step towards marriage. If she moves in and you decide to go out and get a hangover, it will seem like quite the opposite of what she wanted from you, it will confuse her. She will think things like "well he wants to get married too because we moved in, but why is he going out so much?" If you move in you have to play ball with her. You can't move her in then decide then to let her know you're not ready for marriage.

From what you posted here, I would not move in with her unless she understood exactly where you stood on all these issues of marriage and personal space. She is going to expect you to behave differently than how you are behaving right now if you move in.

I would only move in with a girl I already spent all my time with. A girl that totally had the same intentions and desires as me. Anything else is going to suck.

I have lived with 2 different girls one for 7 years...

 

[Sofomore]

You're obviously not ready. If you cave, you'll be unhappy with your decision. It's like you mentioned, all your friends in LTRs are stoked about moving in together. What you are doing is weighing pros/cons, and it doesn't work for relationships. They're too dynamic.

I read a great book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay". It explains why the pros/cons method doesn't work, and instead asks you about 30 of diagnostic questions. You can answer yes to all of them, but if one is a "no", it supersedes the rest & the Doc's recommendation is to leave.

Here are the questions in a nutshell: http://www.turning-point.com.au/Articles/Article 3.htm

Good luck man!

YES! Buy this book! It makes a HUGE difference. You were like me about 6 months ago. I decided that breaking up with my girlfriend was the right thing to do. Very hard, but is now worth it. I am loving the single life and know that there are MILLIONS of girls out there that will treat me like gold.

 

[Ozel599]

Thanks for your responses, the link to that article is very helpful.

I think I may do this Friday evening, will be a bank holiday weekend over here and I have already planned to be out with my buddies.

I just feel so quilty, my g/f is so cute and not done anything wrong at all. Doesn't help that my parents think she's the one for me and asking questions like "when are next seeing her again?". I know they have nothing to do with it but it doesn't help.

It's made me realise it's not that I dont find her attractive or anything like that, it's all of the complications of having her nephews over a lot and that she wants children of her own.

If it was just a case of living and spending more time together I would be very happy, but this clearly will not happen and I guess now is a good time while there are none of these complications as such.

I'm also working on an important project at work, the responsibility is all on me - I could do without the extra stress.

Just hope I can force myself to do it

 

[betheman]

18 months/2 years is about the maximum time limit a woman can be in a relationship before bringing up the M word or moving in together, she wants kids too? you need to understand that this drive dynamic for a woman is more powerful than anything she feels for you, in short, if you dont give her this, she will dumpyou and find it elsewhere, beware of an upcoming ultimatum and prepare to be dumped!

you dont sound ready for it, she sounds pretty clingy and between the lines, pretty selfish, but that is her emotions kicking in. up till now she has ben performing for you, once you have moved in together and the novelty wears off, it will be more and more about what she wants.
Its a hard thing to do but it sounds to me, from the info you have given, you might be better to let this one go

 

[bigneil]

When a man reaches 28, if he is single, in shape and has a good career, he has his pick of many 27 year old women (and a lot younger). I'd date a 23 year old instead. A girl one year younger will seem old quick. Don't get married, just date hot women.

 

[Atom Smasher]

You're obviously not ready. If you cave, you'll be unhappy with your decision. It's like you mentioned, all your friends in LTRs are stoked about moving in together. What you are doing is weighing pros/cons, and it doesn't work for relationships. They're too dynamic.

I read a great book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay". It explains why the pros/cons method doesn't work, and instead asks you about 30 of diagnostic questions. You can answer yes to all of them, but if one is a "no", it supersedes the rest & the Doc's recommendation is to leave.

Here are the questions in a nutshell: http://www.turning-point.com.au/Articles/Article 3.htm

Good luck man!

I just read this list of questions, and I found it quite alarming (subtlety is often alarming due to its power to influence) that one question is different from all the others.

Let's see who's sharp here... I'll even give you the question number. It's number 9.

What makes question 9 different from all the others, and what is that subtly teaching those who read it and adhere to the veracity of this method?

First guy to answer correctly gets +1.

 

[Serg897]

Im in a similar situation. Luckily I've managed to avoid committing to monogamy the past year with her (there has always been drama yet she has stuck around) so Ive been seeing other women on the side. But she is the most loyal, loving woman I've ever been with.

She wont stick around forever though, and I have mixed feelings about wether or not I want to encourage her to stay. She is a lot like the girl the OP described.

 

[bigneil]

I just read this list of questions, and I found it quite alarming (subtlety is often alarming due to its power to influence) that one question is different from all the others.

It says HE is lying. The rest refer to "your partner" or s/he. This suggests the article was written by a scorned woman.

 

[Cabal]

"I feel I am capable of finding another chick that further satisfies my attraction. e.g. self-confidence, flawless skin tone, slim legs"

"If I go out she will always worry about me meeting someone else."

It is already over. Eject whilst the damage will not be so severe. If you hang in there you are going to leave her for another woman and make her homeless, and send a missile into the heart of her rock solid family your shared home will have moved you into.

Run.

Now.

 

[SMS 48]

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why don't you tell her you're not ready to take that step and keep dating her?

 

[Atom Smasher]

It says HE is lying. The rest refer to "your partner" or s/he. This suggests the article was written by a scorned woman.

Good work, bigneil.

+1 for perception. Not many people tend to notice these things, but they are important to expose how subtle the anti-male messages are today.

Dang it, looks like the system is requiring me to spread a little love around before repping you. I'll keep it on the back burner.