44 year old loser!!

[QuanJuan]

Ok…., this is so totally screwed up I can’t take it anymore. Hell, I just got dumped by a woman I didn’t even like that much…., I was just looking for a little sex. I was putting up with her bullshyte too, just in order to get some snatch.

Funny thing is I had read quite a bit of info off this site and had read Doc Love’s System too but decided that I didn’t want to be a player type, I just wanted to find a half way decent, easy on the eyes babe to call my girl. So I took off and worked Match.com and a couple of singles events in Seattle to get some numbers. Eventually they all were dead ends for one reason or another, but this last girl, who really was a pain in the ass, was at least letting me get into her pants, even though she hadn’t let me go all the way yet. I figured I would get her on line and keep her there until I found what I was really looking for.

But now I’m totally pissed because I couldn’t even keep her. I’m so depressed from this that I just want to drop out of the dating scene again, yet I know if I do that I will just be in the same place a year from now wanting some sex. So I’m done screwing around, at 44 (soon to be 45) I am not going to go around all wimped out. I have money, a good job, am normal looking, and have worked out religiously for the last 3 years so I’m in great shape too, but all of this is to no avail if I can’t even get a girlfriend or get laid.

So that’s it. I’m going to do BC just the way you guys tell me to and see if this can help me. I’ll post in the mature man forum under the bootcamp thread and only update at the end of the week. Week one should be pretty easy since I have no problem getting and holding EC and or saying hi. Truthfully I think week two will be pretty easy for me too, as I’m a fairly sociable guy, although I get tongue tied a lot when I’m talking. Anyway, can you tell me where a 40ish guy would go to meet women between 35 and 45…., I mean I don’t want to be looking like some dirty old man chasing young girls about. I’ll definitely join a salsa dance class just from what I’ve heard here…, any other ideas? Also, am I the oldest guy here? How about the oldest one doing bootcamp?

So here I go…, I’ve already got like 10 “hi’s” done and tonight it’s my first one hour session of EC and hello’s. I’m headed off to the local mall and maybe the bookstore so wish me luck.

I don’t have a computer at home by choice so I might be a little slow on my updates so please bear with me. If anyone would like to tutor me please feel free to e-mail me at firmth@hotmail.com, or if you are in the Seattle area I would appreciate a wingman to push me along.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

well...it sounds like you officially hit rock-bottom. good, there's only one way to go...UP!

you have a good attitude. get out there and get cracking, but baby steps. at this point, forget about trying to bag chicks. if one comes along, great. focus on your convo and interaction skills with women. try to number close, etc....but don't sweat it right now.

 

[Derek Flint]

Yeah, just get some "practice" in right now, and don't put too much emphasis on the end result, just have fun.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

You must unlearn that which you have learned. There is no such thing as a 'Player' only men with or without options. You're on the right path doing boot camp (and keep reading the DJ Bible), but much of what you will learn will go against the grain of what you have ben taught and have internalized for more than half your life with regards to women and their behaviors. Keep an open mind.

The path of least resistance would be to give up or 'settle' for what you can get given your present state of dejection. Dont fall into this trap and waste more precious time with someone less rewarding than you are willing to put effort into. I say this because you stated that you were "dumped by someone you weren't really that into." Why are you wasting time like this? Time a precious resource (particularly for yourself), why waste it on less than optimal propositions? This is time you could've better spent on pursuing better and more prospects.

As I stated before, there are no 'Players' only men with options. What are your options? From the words you used in your post I can see that you subscribe to a goal oriented approach towards women - this is the single most self-limiting ideology you can have. A marriage/LTR should never be an achievement for a man, rather it is the result, the byproduct of his independence and personal successes.

A woman should only ever be a compliment to a man's life - never the focus of it.

Unlearn your goal orientation in this regard, success isn't defined in marriage or an LTR. Single at 44 (soon 45) you are the envy of man-dom, because you have what those of us already married and settled down do not - time. Time to use as you please, unburdened by the accountability, liability and resonpsibility that being yoked to another person and family cost. That's not to disparage family life, but it is to make clear that men are defined by how they handle their own solitude. How well we do on our own defines our confidence and independence - two of the most attractive qualities women seek in men.

I constantly get this "I need a girlfriend now or I'll be a lonely only old man in my retirement" argument from teenage boys who already have this 'goal' mentality engrained into their personalities. So I'll tell you what I tell them, would you rather risk loneliness and pursue what is best for you or spend a lifetime with a partner you settled for enduring the responsibilities that came along with doing so?

The good news is that I know divorced and nevermarried men of 50 that are extremely successful both financially and personally who pull tail more in their 40's and 50's than they did in their 20's or 30's because they made this connection. They matured and are benefiting from this wisdom and understanding of how to employ it. The bad news is I also know several 60+ year old men who are still AFCs, both divorced and married, who will never break this internalization and continue in making women a criteria for personal success, affirmation and fulfilment. Nothing is to be more pitied than the financially successful 65 y.o. man who still chases after women, seeking their approval, putting them on the pedestal they've belonged on for decades, who've made women the PRIZE and have him tell you, "Women, eh? I guess us men will never understand 'em."

Dont let this be your fate.

 

[QuanJuan]

Thanks Guys

Thanks for the input guys..., and Rollo, those are words of wisdom I will take to heart. I obviously need to undo what I have become. The great thing that I got from your words was that I have the qualities that make a single man a success..., I simply need to break the programming I have received from this society, and stop worrying about lonliness.

My new mantra "I am the prize..., I am the prize..., I am the prize"..., maybe that can help me break my -woman as a goal- ideology.

I also received two e-mails, one from a guy here in Seattle who sounds just like me, so we're going to grab a beer and hopefully I can get him to start BC with me, or at the very least be a wingman in the future. He did say that Seattle is the toughest place for women he has seen..., I would have to agree. The other guy said he is my age too and wants to do BC now and we could both push each other to finish it. I think I will see him posting soon, I just don't know what his screen name is.

So are any other 40 year olds ready to start BC and go head to head? Truthfully, I don't really know if this will work but I'm willing to give it my all to stop being AFC. I posted last nights efforts on the BC thread...., this posting stuff is going to take up a considerable amount of time but I will not back down..., I just need you guys to keep me focused when it gets tough!!

 

[Ricky]

Get Neil Strauss book. it has motivated me even more although the 100 this month I thought of before then.

And 100 new girls with a bit of convo is as low pressure as it gets.

 

[ThinWhiteDuke]

Inspiring post, Rollo

 

[QuanJuan]

I'm not having fun yet!

This is some tuff stuff. I'll just keep reading all the material and working the BC, but I really feel overwhelmed right now. I did post an update to the BC thread so take a moment to read it and let me know if you can see any immediate problems.

Is it Ok to just perform the excercises on women I'm attracted to and no one else? Or should I do the BC exactly as it's stated? Really, I'm not too into EC'ing men, and I don't feel like EC'ing women I'm not interested in. This will continue into week two's exercises so I need to know if this is a bad direction. Should I be practicing on everyone? Will I shortchange myself if I don't?

I'm just too damn serious..., I've got to learn to laugh and smile..., to have a good time! Right now I worry about everything I say or do and that makes me uncomfortable. Man, I am way f#ck'd up here. I'm at two extremes; my old way of thinking vs. that which I read and follow from you guys. This has set up some dynamic tensions inside me that I wasn't expecting.

F*ck!! Even Mantra seems like he's just ripping through this stuff. Maybe I should think of relocating to a better area for women. It's not Seattle, right? It's me, right?

 

[IronFar]

Nope, it's Seattle.



When you see even ugly fat girls get play, you KNOW it's Seattle...

 

[QuanJuan]

Re: IronFar

Thanks man..., that makes me feel better. I guess I'll read the post "What cities are best...,"

I have a long way to go before I start thinking about relocating, but I'm not against it at this point.

 

[Mischka]

QuanJuan, I like your attitude. You are going to work to get better, you are not complaining. And you can discover a whole new world of knowledge here, it is fun and exciting and will make your life better in every aspect.

And I guess by your writing, that you are more intelligent and determined than 95% of all women, you have a great body and a job. You do not have to fake any confidence when meeting women, you actually have a reason for it. Let them feel it, they have to try hard to get your attention, don't they? But since your are polite, you give a few of them the chance to date.

And then there is tv, cinema and society that tell us to find this one and only beloved woman to give your live meaning. You are basically remembered every day that you are a loser, if you believe this i-need-a-woman crap. Why torture yourself? Laugh at it and be a happier man. As a side effect, being a happier man makes it easier with other people, not only with women. I am not a jerk saying anyhing against finding a loving woman or sharing the rest of your life with her. But I believe this attitude helps a lot with this task, especially for people like us who were driving on the nice-guy lane.

 

[gixxer]

GET DAVID DEANGELO'S STUFF:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 

[QuanJuan]

Re; Mischka

Thanks Mischka,
I'm really all messed up right now. I can only hope that listening to you guys and doing the BC steps you have placed in front of me will correct this programming. You're right..., classic AFC; I need to be with a woman to be happy, I need to find my soulmate to compliment my life, I'm a loser if I don't have a girlfriend. Crap, I even put women on a pedestal like you've said!

I'll just keep doing bootcamp no matter how long it takes..., and I'll keep reading everything on this site over and over again until it burns into my memory much deeper and complete than the AFC ideology. I'll keep reading and doing the field work until I don't have to think at all..., until all this comes naturally.

Right now I'll just keep getting out there and sarging. I'm at the easy part; EC and "Hi's". The week two will be difficult for me but anything is better than the BS I've gone through to get here.

Gixxer..., thanks for the tip, I'll definitely read his stuff after I get through some of SoSuave. I just have so much to read and do that I want to stay focused in one direction..., bootcamp!!

Thanks all, I moved this weekend so I wasn't able to get any field time, but watch out because I've lightened my load and I'm ready to focus on priorities!

 

[QuanJuan]

Update

Hi guys,
Sorry I haven't updated the boot camp thread for a week. I've been busy with moving and will finally be signing on my house sale today!!

I've gotten a little more EC in lately and a few more Hi's but not near close to the 50 I need so I will post to the BC thread by next week..., I'm sure I'll have 50 by then. I'm just procrastinating and feeling uncomfortable when I do this. I know it will get to feel natural the more I practice but I just feel like I'm acting right now.

Also, I fail all the time when I have chances, like yesterday; I was getting some chicken at the local deli and asked for 2 breasts…, first thing was the counter girl smiled so I kept on fluffing her…, she had picked one of the fried things and another one was partially attached to it, and as she was trying to detach it I said to leave them together because they were a set…, and a nice set too. That being said because she does have a nice rack on her. She blushed but seemed a little put off by the comment so I backpedaled a little and said that it was like Siamese twins; they would pine for each other if they were separated. I got a big smile out of her then and she seemed more comfortable now, so I said “nice smile”, she thanked me and then I stalled. She is like 25 and I thought, man this girl is way too young for me, and just said thanks and walked away.

Now you know I should have asked her name or read it off the tag to see if she would ask mine. If she asked mine I should have talked a little more and number closed, or because it was busy I should have just said “give me your number because it’s real busy but I would sure like to talk to that smile more”. Instead I just thought about how young she was and that she just works at a deli counter…, that sort of thing. F#ck, how lame is that???

I feel like such a loser with women right now..., it really hits my self esteem. Luckily I have enough going on in my life success wise to keep my esteem in check.

I need a lot of work!!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

QUAN: Much better. I don't see that as a failure at all - just follow up next time. One other thing you need to unlearn is this stupid social dogma that says a 44 y.o. guy 'shouldn't' get after a 25 y.o. woman. I can see from your post here that this is something you've internalized over the years as well. Push that out of your head now. The only people who would give you a sideways glance for being with a 25 y.o. are unmarried or divorced women in their mid 30's to early 40's who help perpetuate the myth that older men ought to date women their own age (like them for instance) and reward their bad life decisions up to this stage in their lives by "doing the right thing" and providing them with the security they seek rather than a hot piece of ass. Women in their 20's dont complain about the interests of older men, it's thirtysomething women faced with fading looks, unable to get the attention they used to when they were in their 20's who'll whine about how 'immature' men are for wanting 'trophy wives' half their age. It's just this psychology of entitlement that pervasively shames men for their "fragile egos" in an effort to get the provisioning that an older man can provide them when faced with competition from far more physically superior (and younger) women.

Interstingly enough there's no equitable shame when the genders are reversed in cases such as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. None at all, in fact it's encouraged - you GO girl.

So unlearn this. Single at 44 and you damn near closed with a 25 y.o. woman? Why on planet earth would you not? Scrub this self-defeating feminized shame out of your brain today. You've subscribed to it to the point where it's hindered a personal decision for you with no peers to incriminate you so I can categorically say you've internalized this sh!t. Break this stupid mental schema. You are the PRIZE and no woman is entitled to anything you are capable of providing them. So if a 25 y.o. has caught your eye enough to flirt with her she's the fortunate one who'll get what you have to offer, not bitter 30-40 year olds. You're not going to marry her, you're only going to give her the flattering attentions of 44 y.o. prince. Now go get her, or find another one your even more hot for.

 

[QuanJuan]

Re: Rollo

Thanks Rollo,
I always like what you write and the suggestions you make.

I have internalized this crap, and unlearning it will be the task at hand. You're right, when the roles are reversed there is no stigma attached to it, and the only stigma there really is, is inside of me. I really will work on this and finish week one of BC so I can get on to the real work..., chatting up women that I'm attractive to!!

 

[QuanJuan]

SWEET

Hey..., maybe there is hope for me.

See my Boot Camp update.

 

[ElChoclo]

Beware QuanJuan. The 25 year old can be like snake venom for a mature man like yourself. You could find yourself experiencing a hormone surge which can interfere with normal thinking. So, remember to control yourself. If you can't score at the salsa class, you would have to be a very bad dancer or too impatient.

 

[dr_devious]

Rollo, brilliant post mate, possibly the most useful I've ever read on this site!

 

[Latinoman]

That age range is by far the easiest to go for - especially if you don't mind them having a kid. Single's events are chocked full of them. Neighborhood bars with garage bands are full of them. Alpha males like me avoid them, so they are all available for the beta males like you.

LOL.

Sorry...for the laugh. But I found your coldness funny.

By the way, Rollo Tomassi wrote an excellent and very inspiring and accurate series of posts.