When disrespect ends a relationship

[jhonny9546]

Recently, I was approached by a friend who is about to marry her boyfriend after seven years together. This is the same woman who, just a year ago, expressed a strong interest in me and even made advances. She also had a child with her boyfriend, which complicates matters significantly. I chose to reject her advances ofc, leading her boyfriend to block me on social media, likely due to whatever she may have said about me.
Now, consider the implications for her boyfriend, who remains unaware of the full story. It raises questions about how many other men might have been involved with her, while she still in this relationship, now, a future marriage.
This situation exemplifies a CLEAR sing of disrespect. (Enter category2)


In relationships, women often exhibit "emotional responses" to situations that may seem trivial to men. Those are due to women being more emotional than men, but also to the volatility of their hormones.
Let's call this category one. These can include huffing, yelling, or becoming apathetic. Many of us have experienced this; the frequency of such outbursts can indicate the emotional stability of the person involved.

Now let's talk of behavioral issues, this is the second category, and could include: maintaining ambiguous friendships with other men, making excuses or denying obvious truths, subtly insulting or belittling you in public, showing signs of infidelity, disregarding appointments or schedules, things like failing to prepare meals without prior notice.

These behaviors are undoubtedly disrespectful and warrant no debate.
However, if you're dealing with issues from Category 1, do you consider them disrespectful as well?

 

[plumber]

It is for sure a respect issue; Category 1 is. In the distant past a woman was with me and went on a emotional rage. Short time later she found me and apologized. Never did it again. Objectively my SMV was double hers.

Women are capable of logic and will use it when they choose to. If they respect you they will try to figure it out. If not, no need for the effort.

Cat 1 and 2 will usually go together as both are rooted in same things.

 

[jhonny9546]

I would also like to add something like "timeskip".

It could be that she has been disrespectful and they are put up and put back in their place, and from that point they become respectful! A bit like the dog that always poops on the house landing, but then stops doing it after you put him back in his place.

However, it could happen again after a long time, for example 2 or 3 years. At that point, it is as if so much time has passed that he has forgotten the lesson you gave him.

What do you think of this? Is it considered disrespectful?
I see this to be the most common thing that could end relationships. It's like a "relapse" somehow

 

[jhonny9546]

This video too, talks about disrespect.
6:40 My mother, and all the women I've had, "loved" me with that "insecure" attitude she's describing, and I still haven't met a "secure" woman, not in mine relationships, not in those of my friends.
Are they born somewhere?
Our respect value most, but there may not be women out there for us.

 

[plumber]

I would also like to add something like "timeskip".

It could be that she has been disrespectful and they are put up and put back in their place, and from that point they become respectful! A bit like the dog that always poops on the house landing, but then stops doing it after you put him back in his place.

However, it could happen again after a long time, for example 2 or 3 years. At that point, it is as if so much time has passed that he has forgotten the lesson you gave him.

What do you think of this? Is it considered disrespectful?
I see this to be the most common thing that could end relationships. It's like a "relapse" somehow

is it disrespectful to occasionally challenge the leader? yes, it is. don't do that until your ready and willing to replace the leader.

It means respect is based on fear. much better to be based on admiration. when respect is based on admiration no relapse will occur unless you change and are no longer admirable. or someone else comes into view that is more admirable.

love the analogy with the dog, but its not exactly perfect analogy. try leaving the gate open when that dog is in heat. even the one that doesn't poop on the landing.

 

[jhonny9546]

or someone else comes into view that is more admirable.

This is me when a married woman started courting me while disrespecting her husband. That's when I knew for the should be time to break up.

Another example, with my mother, when I politely pointed out things she forgot, she would have emotional outbursts that lasted all day. I could say, "There's no hand towel in the bathroom; could you put one out later?" or "We're out of canned beans; please buy some next time," and her responses would be humiliating.

This is how I grew up, and I REFUSE to accept this treatment from a partner. While I can set boundaries with my mother, I still need to care for her as she ages. With a romantic partner, I would simply move on.

Many friends in LTR's think this behavior is normal; when their partner has emotional outbursts, they just leave the house for a walk.
Or when we are at dinners togheter, I can totally see how She threath him in front of all of us.
That LTR will end soon.

 

[Divorced w 3]

You cannot tolerate disrespect, you have to get away from it. As much as you want to emphasize with your partner you have to be true to yourself and know what you are capable of handling. When the situation is resolved either by ending the relationship or some kind of come to Jesus moment by either party, take inventory and work through it with a third party on your own.

 

[New_Journey]

is it disrespectful to occasionally challenge the leader? yes, it is. don't do that until your ready and willing to replace the leader.

It means respect is based on fear. much better to be based on admiration. when respect is based on admiration no relapse will occur unless you change and are no longer admirable. or someone else comes into view that is more admirable.

love the analogy with the dog, but its not exactly perfect analogy. try leaving the gate open when that dog is in heat. even the one that doesn't poop on the landing.

Why is it that we a sons have to put up with disrespect from parents, but still have to take care from them right?

Why don't parents start respecting their sons? I don't about you, but even if my parents disrespect me, I won't tolerate that, and their help from me would be gone.

Why are you tolerating disrespect from your mother? People mess with you because they can.

The only way you'll get respect from loved ones, is when you're ready to burn everything to the ground, walking away from those who disrespect you, including your mom. Btw, your girlfriend is watching how your mom disrespects you and you still take it, not good my friend.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Why is it that we a sons have to put up with disrespect from parents, but still have to take care from them right?

Why don't parents start respecting their sons? I don't about you, but even if my parents disrespect me, I won't tolerate that, and their help from me would be gone.

Why are you tolerating disrespect from your mother? People mess with you because they can.

The only way you'll get respect from loved ones, is when you're ready to burn everything to the ground, walking away from those who disrespect you, including your mom. Btw, your girlfriend is watching how your mom disrespects you and you still take it, not good my friend.

Keep healthy distance from your toxic family but when they’re unable to care for themselves, offer them compassion if for nothing else than to be a good example for those watching you like your own son.

 

[New_Journey]

offer them compassion if for nothing else than to be a good example for those watching you like your own son.

Yeah 100% on that.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Yeah 100% on that.

My dad’s not a great father. He never has been, is totally self involved and hasn’t changed. He’s a good grandfather though. It’s out of love for my kids that I continue to keep him in my life and maybe somewhere in there I am learning a little compassion for his shortcomings. The key is he doesn’t provoke me and I know where and how I can interact with him. So long as that works and is followed (all not said out loud just understood) my kids get a loving grandfather. Family is important. Not man is an island.

 

[New_Journey]

My dad’s not a great father. He never has been, is totally self involved and hasn’t changed. He’s a good grandfather though. It’s out of love for my kids that I continue to keep him in my life and maybe somewhere in there I am learning a little compassion for his shortcomings. The key is he doesn’t provoke me and I know where and how I can interact with him. So long as that works and is followed (all not said out loud just understood) my kids get a loving grandfather. Family is important. Not man is an island.

You father is just another man who did the best he could with the tools he had.

 

[Divorced w 3]

You father is just another man who did the best he could with the tools he had.

You’ve come a long way in four posts.

 

[plumber]

My dad’s not a great father. He never has been, is totally self involved and hasn’t changed. He’s a good grandfather though. It’s out of love for my kids that I continue to keep him in my life and maybe somewhere in there I am learning a little compassion for his shortcomings. The key is he doesn’t provoke me and I know where and how I can interact with him. So long as that works and is followed (all not said out loud just understood) my kids get a loving grandfather. Family is important. Not man is an island.

older and wiser.... Older dads also can be the same for the direct sons.

 

[plumber]

Why is it that we a sons have to put up with disrespect from parents, but still have to take care from them right?

Why don't parents start respecting their sons? I don't about you, but even if my parents disrespect me, I won't tolerate that, and their help from me would be gone.

Why are you tolerating disrespect from your mother? People mess with you because they can.

The only way you'll get respect from loved ones, is when you're ready to burn everything to the ground, walking away from those who disrespect you, including your mom. Btw, your girlfriend is watching how your mom disrespects you and you still take it, not good my friend.

you tell the reason of why in western culture kids hit the road early in life, disrespect in both directions.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advise from the old lady:

No one should be allowed to disrespect you. Not a spouse, not a parent, not a friend. Did you watch the video you posted Johnny? Go watch it again.

You seem to think your observations of other relationships are spot on, but you will not check your own mother. Not good. My son does NOT tolerate BS from me. Now. He doesn't get a lot of BS from me either, but he does not tolerate disrespect from me, from his wife or anyone. Your mother is the FIRST woman you need to require respect from.

Why do you imagine that is? Because if you allow your mother to run over you and disrespect you, how on Earth are you going to tell her your wife is the priority woman in your life now if you marry? And how can a woman respect a man who lets his mother enmesh him?

I'll give you an example. Three years ago my husband and I were planning to go to Tahoe for Christmas with my mother-in-law. She picked the weekend and told us that her Christmas gift to us would be to pay for the lodging (which at Christmas can get expensive.) We said that's great! And we booked flights for the agreed dates.

A week later she called and wanted to adjust the dates earlier by a few days. We said fine and adjusted our flights, which cost a little more.

Another week later she called again and said, Gee, we need to move the dates up another week (to mid-December) and 'Oh, by the way, we have booked our room at the Hampton Inn Reno Airport, y'all should be able to book your own room there......"

My husband got off the phone so we could discuss. I pointed out to him her gaslighting (promising to pay for lodging in Lake Tahoe and then acting as though she never said that at all) and my husband had made clear that he wasn't interested in staying in Reno, some 50+ miles one way from the ski areas. Complete disrespect from his mother. Her newly proposed dates also conflicted with my daughter's birthday in mid-December.

He called her back. He said you know Mom, you asked us for dates originally for Tahoe and you offered to pay for our room as your gift. We paid for flights based on your word. Then you changed the dates, which cost us more money to change the flights. Now you want to change the dates again, you have pretended you never offered the lodging as a gift, you got a hotel in Reno, which I told you was not suitable, and your new dates conflict with my step daughter's birthday plans.

For those reasons we will not be visiting at Christmas. Maybe next year.

She was gobsmacked. But he respected himself, me and the plans with my daughter. And she did not see her son for another year. There were no stunts the next Christmas, lest he refuse to visit once again.

You must check your mother. If she did not love you properly, see a therapist. The chick in the video is correct.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Like the Geto Boyz said 40+ years ago...

"You gotta let a ho be a ho"

 

[Divorced w 3]

Advise from the old lady:

No one should be allowed to disrespect you. Not a spouse, not a parent, not a friend. Did you watch the video you posted Johnny? Go watch it again.

You seem to think your observations of other relationships are spot on, but you will not check your own mother. Not good. My son does NOT tolerate BS from me. Now. He doesn't get a lot of BS from me either, but he does not tolerate disrespect from me, from his wife or anyone. Your mother is the FIRST woman you need to require respect from.

Why do you imagine that is? Because if you allow your mother to run over you and disrespect you, how on Earth are you going to tell her your wife is the priority woman in your life now if you marry? And how can a woman respect a man who lets his mother enmesh him?

I'll give you an example. Three years ago my husband and I were planning to go to Tahoe for Christmas with my mother-in-law. She picked the weekend and told us that her Christmas gift to us would be to pay for the lodging (which at Christmas can get expensive.) We said that's great! And we booked flights for the agreed dates.

A week later she called and wanted to adjust the dates earlier by a few days. We said fine and adjusted our flights, which cost a little more.

Another week later she called again and said, Gee, we need to move the dates up another week (to mid-December) and 'Oh, by the way, we have booked our room at the Hampton Inn Reno Airport, y'all should be able to book your own room there......"

My husband got off the phone so we could discuss. I pointed out to him her gaslighting (promising to pay for lodging in Lake Tahoe and then acting as though she never said that at all) and my husband had made clear that he wasn't interested in staying in Reno, some 50+ miles one way from the ski areas. Complete disrespect from his mother. Her newly proposed dates also conflicted with my daughter's birthday in mid-December.

He called her back. He said you know Mom, you asked us for dates originally for Tahoe and you offered to pay for our room as your gift. We paid for flights based on your word. Then you changed the dates, which cost us more money to change the flights. Now you want to change the dates again, you have pretended you never offered the lodging as a gift, you got a hotel in Reno, which I told you was not suitable, and your new dates conflict with my step daughter's birthday plans.

For those reasons we will not be visiting at Christmas. Maybe next year.

She was gobsmacked. But he respected himself, me and the plans with my daughter. And she did not see her son for another year. There were no stunts the next Christmas, lest he refuse to visit once again.

You must check your mother. If she did not love you properly, see a therapist. The chick in the video is correct.

Narcissistic people don't change their stripes just because you come at them a certain way. She will just try something different moving forward.

 

[BeExcellent]

Narcissistic people don't change their stripes just because you come at them a certain way. She will just try something different moving forward.

Correct. Too bad for her I see it from 10 miles away. My mother (who I jettisoned from my life for covert narcissist BS) was a master manipulator and much smarter than my mother-in-law. Fortunately she lives far away and we have little involvement with her. So yeah. I learned to call my mother on her BS, ridcule her for it, and cut it off. When she learned she couldn't "work" me, she painted me black to anyone she could think of. When she tried to "work" my children? That was it. Game over, you're out. Game, Set, Match.

Then I had to sit my kids down and explain her behaviors and why it was bad. My kids called her "Crazy Granny" in stark contrast to my ex husband's mother, who was a wonderful grandmother & wonderful human being who the children adored. My mother went through terrible sexual abuse at the hands of a family member in her childhood & youth, which was terrible and unresolved. So I knew why she was a broken person, but the behaviors were toxic to my family, so I kicked her out of my sphere. Never regretted that choice nor felt remorse about it.

My job as a mother was to protect my children. I did that and they knew it. My husband has distanced himself from his mother for similar reasons although she's not as intelligent nor sophisticated as my mother, its still narcissistic behavior, which I prefer to do without.

But he has to make those decisions. Its his parent, not mine.

 

[jhonny9546]

some kind of come to Jesus moment by either party

There is a subtle line between disrespect and be able to tolerate in order to do this!
Would you define a bit more?

The only way you'll get respect from loved ones, is when you're ready to burn everything to the ground, walking away from those who disrespect you, including your mom.

What you say makes sense, and you're right. However, my parents are elderly and facing difficult economic conditions.

Additionally, they don't respond positively to the things I want to do in life. For instance, to get my mother to listen, it seems necessary to humiliate her when she does something wrong. She shows respect only when she's afraid. For her, respect = having fear of someone. This behavior stems from her unresolved traumas. emotional health issues or how my granpda educated her, which is not something I want in my life. When I have to adopt this behavior, I feel like I'm detaching from the healthy person I aspire to be, someone who wants to be respected in a healthy way by a woman, because I want to be respected because of admiration and not by fear.

It's easy to say, but how can one earn respect without having to argue? My mother is 65, still dealing with unresolved traumas, and lives with my father, who inadvertently exacerbates those traumas every day. (this is why they're togheter for 40+ years, they're two toxicity being togheter).
As a son, what would you do in this situation? You're right that my GF'll view all this as a red flag.