Went on a date

[DarwinTaurus]

Yesterday, I went on a date... or more like a meet and greet. I met the woman on Hinge, text chats were good, then I organized a meet.

Went to a wine bar, and talked for about an hour and a half. Conversation was great, no awkward silences. I thought it went well.

I got a message from her today, saying she was glad to meet me, but there is no spark.

I have dated/kissed 7 women this year, only slept with one (which ironically was my Ex after we started talking for a few months)... only one of the dates led to a second one, the rest were all one date, and that's it.

I remember reading in this forum when I first joined, that a lot of men experience 1 date, no 2nd, no s*x. Disappointing for me, that's a trend I've come across this year. I've started to get a bit disillusioned with the dating game. I need to get out of this rut. Not sure if I should take a break, and focus on myself, or keep persisting and getting disillusioned yet more.

Any advice?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

You have an asexual vibe and you're stuck in your head OP. Psychedelic mushrooms and escorts should help. None of this "persistence" or "work on myself" bs. You need to take extreme measures. Shrooms and wh0res asap*. For reals.

(*not at the same time, obviously)

 

[DarwinTaurus]

I've taken mushrooms and LSD before.

 

[user252009]

lol wh0res and mushrooms, what the hell is this advice

 

[crowolf]

Either you are too safe and platonic, either there is just no chemistry and compatibility, either your dates are too long and boring, and the women figure you out, as you leave no room for their imagination, and don’t build sexual tension.

My recommendations: Learn how to flirt.
Cold approach > Dating apps.

 

[SW15]

I see some potential issues here.

What is your goal in interactions with women? Short term casual sex or some extended, committed relationship?

In general, you are "shopping" in the wrong place for women. The Big 3 swipe apps (Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble) give all the advantages to women. There are far more men than women on swipe apps. Women live in a state of extreme abundance on swipe apps. This state of extreme abundance gives them a reason to raise their expectations. You're now expected to give them "all the feelz" in the first 10 minutes of the first date. A date that might have gotten you a 2nd date in 2004 is going to get you ghosted or get you a " I had a good time but do no see this going anywhere" bullshiit text message. You got the bullshiit text message this week.

The "one date, no sex, no second date" interaction has gotten more common in the era of online dating. It emerged during the website era of online dating, but got even more prominent in the move from websites to swipe apps.

Your best solution is to move to meeting women in-person where they don't have the sort of abundance they have with tech-based interactions.

It's possible that your vibe on dates is not sexual enough. You might not be escalating well enough. Some of this might be a function of choosing women from swipe apps with sky high expectations and some of this might be your vibe. The likely truth is that it is a combination of both elements.

In Australia, there's a reason Jana Hocking is so popular. For those that don't know, Jana Hocking is a famous 'Chad' seeking, penis carousel riding female with an popular relationship advice column/blog. A lot of Australian women have similar attitudes to Hocking.

Is your fitness on point? Women influenced by Hocking are seeking 'Chad' types and you want to be reasonably fit to be competitive. Your fitness is something you can control.

Have you gotten that Rolex Explorer you inherited from your dad fixed? While I don't think the Explorer is as good for seduction as a Datejust (often steel but can be two tone) or Day Date (gold). Some like the Explorer more than I like it. Gold Rolexes will get you laid more easily than the steel ones.

 

[Clockwerk50]

As @BeExcellent posted on another thread, are you being fun and mischievous? Personally, and as others have said, you are probably a bore and a nice guy.

Read or watch videos on the book below. It will help you unleash your real personality and prevent you from being self-conscious of your actions.

You need to embody something distinctive from the competition, whether it’s chivalry, adventure, romance, or even negative traits like villainy or roguery. Avoid being mediocre, familiar, or ordinary.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It's a numbers game. If you are unwilling to accept this, then you won't be very successful.

Did you escalate at all on the date? Typically when you hear the no spark comment by women it means that either you didn't do anything that excited them sexually and they don't see you in that way or they simply aren't attracted to you in person.

It happens. You can work on the escalation/sexuality piece but at the end of the day, not every woman is going to be interested once they get to know more about you.

It's OK, just keep working on building a pipeline.

When I heard that after a date, I was unphased by it and just kept working on a setting up more dates.

As you start calibrating yourself to what works and what doesn't in date, you should start hearing this less and less.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

You don't give them the feels that they can lose control with you. No arousing sexy / kinky / mischievous vibe -> no nookie.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You don't give them the feels that they can lose control with you. No arousing sexy / kinky / mischievous vibe -> no nookie.

There are times to be mysterious with women and times not to be. Time to leave a woman unsure of things and times not to.

A woman should never wonder "why" she is on a date with a man. She should know it's because he is interested in fvcking her, not being her friend, text buddy or shopping buddy.

 

[Solomon]

It's a numbers game. If you are unwilling to accept this, then you won't be very successful.

This everyone assumes OP is at fault and he may be to some extent but it's a numbers game. since 06/01 I've gone on 15 dates out of those 15 I only saw 3 on a 2nd date those 3 ended up being plates. Currently out of those 3(2 dropped within a month, 1 due to me not being that into her and the other due to distance) I'm only seeing 1 actively but also talking to 2 new chicks (I got a date with tonight, the other is 75/25) it's a numbers game.

IMO OP don't worry about smashing, from your stats your goal should be focusing on

Intent-What is the purpose of the date, are you trying to smash or just go out etc. If it's to smash then you need to keep reading
Illicit Emotions-Can you make a girl laugh, can you make her smile, can you make them horny etc a lot of guys here will spew random nonsense that won't help you. If you're able to tap into a woman's emotional psyche you're already ahead of 80% of men. It's not for everyone
Frame-Do you come off as a sexually fun guy or a Safe boring guy on dates? If it's the latter then yeah you're gonna have a hard time. I use to try to present myself as a relationship material guy . The hard of being sexual but not over the top took me well into my 30s it can be+ done without even having to speak about sex i.e. sexual innuendo, flirting, wit, heck even your body language etc

Happy Hunting

Solo

 

[Hamurabimbi]

It’s sort of random. I’ve been on first dates that went no where. And first dates that included sfx, sleepover & eventually a relationship. And everything in between. Sometimes people click. Sometimes they don’t.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

@SW15 Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I did get the Rolex fixed, and wear it every day. I do often read Jana Hocking's columns, interesting thoughts that most women think this way.

This might sound sad, but I've never done a cold-approach in my life. My previous girlfriends were either a friend of a friend, work colleague, or met via OLD. I don't have a fear of rejection, I have a fear of being rejected in a crowded place like a bar or pub, and being embarrased.

 

[SW15]

I did get the Rolex fixed, and wear it every day.

Very good. It might help with attraction, but there are likely other things you can do that would help more.

Jana Hocking

She is most popular in Australia. She has some name recognition among USA singles because some of her work gets featured on websites with a primarily USA audience. Better Bachelor on YouTube continually pokes holes in her work.

I've never done a cold-approach in my life.

Tech-based dating was stigmatized until the 2nd half of your 20s. You managed to go from your teens until the 2nd half of your 20s without a cold approach. In the 1990s-2000s, you must have had a really good social circle. It would seem like you had a good social network from primary and secondary school.

My previous girlfriends were either a friend of a friend, work colleague, or met via OLD.

I have said many times before that if you're looking for an extended relationship (1-5 years or more), your best bet for getting that with the least amount of grief and frustration is through a social circle. It seems like you got two LTRs out of a social circle.

You also managed to get girlfriends from dating websites/dating apps. That's an achievement with how competitive they are. It's possible you dropped your standards on websites/apps to get a girlfriend. I've seen men do that.

I don't have a fear of rejection, I have a fear of being rejected in a crowded place like a bar or pub, and being embarrased.

The vast majority of rejections are 'soft rejections', where a conversation fizzles within 30-90 seconds. When conversations fizzle that quickly, you will not have even asked her on a date in that period. The only way that you can ask a woman on a date in that period is if you are going very direct. In a direct opener, you immediately say you are attracted to her and ask her on a date/for sex.

Ask a side note, do not ask for a phone number without date plans. It's worthless at this point.

There are merits to both direct and indirect approach. My style of approaching is more indirect and that would likely explain why I take more 'soft rejections'.

If you were to approach in a bar or pub and get rejected, almost no one would notice or care. In a bar/pub, most people are absorbed with their own stuff. You don't have to be concerned about being embarrassed. The more difficult part of approaching is interpreting the negative feedback from the rejections you will get. How much will the rejection affect your own self-esteem and your self-perception? Taking a large volume of rejections can cause psychological trauma.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

It’s sort of random. I’ve been on first dates that went no where. And first dates that included sfx, sleepover & eventually a relationship. And everything in between. Sometimes people click. Sometimes they don’t.

Pretty much this. It's just a myriad of things (timing, her attraction to you, how you're feeling at the time, etc).

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Darwin,
Don't beat yourself up about your problems,with 109.5 Males to 100 females....You've got two chances of scoring a Bird in Darwin,yours and Buckleys...If I were dug in up there,I would find a Lady in the Philippines,they have the added advantage of thriving in the heat,were Filipinas not to your taste,though a tougher proposition than the Phillipines,why not try in Adelaide,at 96.7/100 or Perth 98.7/100?

 

[DarwinTaurus]

Hi Darwin,
Don't beat yourself up about your problems,with 109.5 Males to 100 females....You've got two chances of scoring a Bird in Darwin,yours and Buckleys...If I were dug in up there,I would find a Lady in the Philippines,they have the added advantage of thriving in the heat,were Filipinas not to your taste,though a tougher proposition than the Phillipines,why not try in Adelaide,at 96.7/100 or Perth 98.7/100?

Actually, the latest woman I'm talking to on Bumble has a Phillipino background. She's the same age as me, lived in Darwin for 2 years, and Victoria for 14, so she's obviously been in Australia for 16 years. I asked where she lived in Victoria, and ironically, she lived in the same town that I was born and grew up in. Strange coincidence!

When I went to Perth in March for my neices 21st Birthday, I activated the apps for a laugh, and I was getting matches left, right and center from gorgeous women, so you are right, in cities where the male/female ratio are better, there are greater chances of success.

 

[FlirtLife]

Yesterday, I went on a date... or more like a meet and greet. I met the woman on Hinge, text chats were good, then I organized a meet.

Went to a wine bar, and talked for about an hour and a half. Conversation was great, no awkward silences. I thought it went well.

I got a message from her today, saying she was glad to meet me, but there is no spark.

I think people need more detail than "Conversation was great" to analyze your date.

I have dated/kissed 7 women this year, only slept with one (which ironically was my Ex after we started talking for a few months)...

In a list of successful dates, I wouldn't include getting back together with an ex.

If you're new at dating, and you kiss women on every single date, you're missing some signals. There should have been at least one of those dates where she wasn't into you, and you sensed a kiss didn't fit the mood.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

I think people need more detail than "Conversation was great" to analyze your date.



In a list of successful dates, I wouldn't include getting back together with an ex.

If you're new at dating, and you kiss women on every single date, you're missing some signals. There should have been at least one of those dates where she wasn't into you, and you sensed a kiss didn't fit the mood.

Yeah, with the Ex, we were friendly for a few months. We texted for a few weeks, then caught up for dinner at her place, and slept together.

I didn't mean I kissed all the women on every date. I wrote dated/kissed... because I kissed a girl at a bar, which wasn't a date. It was a girl who I have known for 10 years, who is 19 years younger than me... I've known her since she was 18, now 28. She could be a model, so in a way that made my year, as I've always been attracted to her, and that night, whilst we were both tipsy, I finally had the balls to make a move.

 

[The Duke]

Yesterday, I went on a date... or more like a meet and greet. I met the woman on Hinge, text chats were good, then I organized a meet.

Went to a wine bar, and talked for about an hour and a half. Conversation was great, no awkward silences. I thought it went well.

I got a message from her today, saying she was glad to meet me, but there is no spark.

I have dated/kissed 7 women this year, only slept with one (which ironically was my Ex after we started talking for a few months)... only one of the dates led to a second one, the rest were all one date, and that's it.

I remember reading in this forum when I first joined, that a lot of men experience 1 date, no 2nd, no s*x. Disappointing for me, that's a trend I've come across this year. I've started to get a bit disillusioned with the dating game. I need to get out of this rut. Not sure if I should take a break, and focus on myself, or keep persisting and getting disillusioned yet more.

Any advice?

You need to accept that you are the problem, and figure out ways to improve.

Its ok for there to be no spark. Sometimes thats the case. However, your track record with 7 women tells me that you struggle at generating "sparks".

When she says there was no spark, here's what that can mean:

-Lacking chemistry.
-No emotional feelings.
-He didn't get her to open up.
-He didn't listen well enough.
-He didn't ask about her and what makes her tick.
-Too much boring, surface talk.
-He comes across as too safe.
-Lack of physical attraction.
-Lack of mental attraction.
-He lacked charisma.
-He lacked confidence.
-No edge on him.
-He lacks style.
-He didn't lead enough.
-He Lacked sincerity.
-He was afraid to show her who he is under the surface.
-You didn't create the environment that generates feels/tingles/butterflies.