What’s with sex on first date?

[Maxkaz14]

Is it me or there is something with girls and first dates?

In my first post here a week ago I wrote that I am a post-marriage man re-entering the dating scene for the first time in more than 10 years. So I am very new to this thing, but I’ve payed my due to books and articles.

This last week I had two dates. Both were organized by women (I made this by coming from afar and stating that I do not know their city which is completely true). During both dates we ended up violently kissing and sexually touching. Both ended up sleeping in close proximity, touching almost everywhere… and no sex.

With the first one we went to my place (she was so excited that 140 kilometers drive was not an obstacle) and we ended up massaging each other, touching bare breast and very much playful kissing in bed, but she firmly rejected me getting in her underwear.

With the second one we ended in her place, violently kissing, petting her to orgasm and once again - firm rejection of regular sex.

Both were not in period. Both want to meet again and make plans and seem very receptive. But I am very confused, why was it like this - almost everything and no sex. May it be that some rule is in place I am not aware of? Or am I being played this akward way? This is not a dealbreaker for me but definitely a minor turn-off

 

[BPH]

The older guys might have a better idea of what's going on here, but a good way to find out for yourself would be to ask "what's wrong?" when you got to that point and were rejected.

 

[Maxkaz14]

The older guys might have a better idea of what's going on here, but a good way to find out for yourself would be to ask "what's wrong?" when you got to that point and were rejected.

You are right, I did not ask. I am very new and still need to explore what is appropriate

 

[BillyPilgrim]

You have to turn them on before the meet, OP. Use innuendo and dip your toes in the sexual waters to see how they respond. If they're receptive to sexting go for it but be the one to end the session. Make sure they are left wanting more and you don't turn them off by pushing too much. If they aren't into sex talk, that's fine too because you're showing where you're coming from and what they should expect; and if they're completely turned off you've likely dodged a bullet.

Can't just assume sex will follow on a normal trajectory just because you're going on a date and that's what people who are in "dating relationships" do.

 

[Maxkaz14]

You have to turn them on before the meet, OP. Use innuendo and dip your toes in the sexual waters to see how they respond. If they're receptive to sexting go for it but be the one to end the session. Make sure they are left wanting more and you don't turn them off by pushing too much. If they aren't into sex talk, that's fine too because you're showing where you're coming from and what they should expect; and if they're completely turned off you've likely dodged a bullet.

Can't just assume sex will follow on a normal trajectory just because you're going on a date and that's what people who are in "dating relationships" do.

This I did, although never knew it is a technique. If you can - direct me somewhere to read about sexting.

The first one was quite hot sometimes, but sometimes she got concsieous and said something like “let us meet up first”

The second got right into the stream head-first.

If it helps - I never met any of the two of them before the date. We met online (not the app, just Fb groups) and arranged the date without seing eye-to-eye prior

 

[Divorced w 3]

Limited info but guessing by letting them plan the dates you also were passive in other ways. You need to lead. You also need to be warmly arrogant. I doubt you did any of this.

 

[Maxkaz14]

Limited info but guessing by letting them plan the dates you also were passive in other ways. You need to lead. You also need to be warmly arrogant. I doubt you did any of this.

I was leading sexually. I wrote them in the first place. I chose the date (they chose on what to do and where). I was chosing the tooics for conversation, although gave them space to speak. I maintained eye contact. And I lead sexually - I touched, hugged, made the first kiss, reached for her body etc.

Overall I’d say, I was not passive. They organised the date because I told tgem to do it

 

[Divorced w 3]

I was leading sexually. I wrote them in the first place. I chose the date (they chose on what to do and where). I was chosing the tooics for conversation, although gave them space to speak. I maintained eye contact. And I lead sexually - I touched, hugged, made the first kiss, reached for her body etc.

Overall I’d say, I was not passive. They organised the date because I told tgem to do it

Exactly

 

[Maxkaz14]

Limited info but guessing by letting them plan the dates you also were passive in other ways. You need to lead. You also need to be warmly arrogant. I doubt you did any of this.

What is “warmly arrogant” I do not know. Can you elaborate?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Is it me or there is something with girls and first dates?

It's you.

If a woman is making out with you but she stops you when you're about to have sex, she's lost excitement. You have to excite her until she cannot see straight. The excitement flagged and her mind shifted to non-sexual activities.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Is it me or there is something with girls and first dates?

In my first post here a week ago I wrote that I am a post-marriage man re-entering the dating scene for the first time in more than 10 years. So I am very new to this thing, but I’ve payed my due to books and articles.

This last week I had two dates. Both were organized by women (I made this by coming from afar and stating that I do not know their city which is completely true). During both dates we ended up violently kissing and sexually touching. Both ended up sleeping in close proximity, touching almost everywhere… and no sex.

With the first one we went to my place (she was so excited that 140 kilometers drive was not an obstacle) and we ended up massaging each other, touching bare breast and very much playful kissing in bed, but she firmly rejected me getting in her underwear.

With the second one we ended in her place, violently kissing, petting her to orgasm and once again - firm rejection of regular sex.

Both were not in period. Both want to meet again and make plans and seem very receptive. But I am very confused, why was it like this - almost everything and no sex. May it be that some rule is in place I am not aware of? Or am I being played this akward way? This is not a dealbreaker for me but definitely a minor turn-off

I'm assuming you kept escalating until they said no - which is fine. They are simply trying to prolong the sexual buildup so that it feels more relationship-like and less slvtty.

If it bothers you, at the point things de-escalate, you can always politely ask them to leave. Just say you have an early morning. They're not entitled to a free night's sleep. There is also a question of giving off boyfriend vibes. However, I personally wouldn't sweat it because IMO sex doesn't need to happen right away, or if they crash sometimes it will happen in the morning.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

They didn't want to be "pumped and dumped" even tho they clearly are into you. They fear that if they fvck on the first date you won't respect them and then they will feel like a cheap wh0re.

Just relax, it will happen. Are you that hard up for sex you can't wait a date or two?

 

[Maxkaz14]

They didn't want to be "pumped and dumped" even tho they clearly are into you. They fear that if they fvck on the first date you won't respect them and then they will feel like a cheap wh0re.

Just relax, it will happen. Are you that hard up for sex you can't wait a date or two?

Definitely no

I wrote this post not from frustration, but in pursue of knowledge. I definitely will go on the second date with them. And more - I am 95% sure I will have sex there. My question is linked to the fact that in two different cases I got the same result. This got me curious and I came to tge community mind for feedback

 

[Maxkaz14]

In fact I try to approach dating now as a theater play as a good actor might. I put a lot of emotion in it, but only in confines of the date itself. I am prepared to be rejected, to make mistakes and not be destroyed by them. And after the date I calmly reflect on what happened, ask questions, analyse and seek areas to improve

 

[Divorced w 3]

What is “warmly arrogant” I do not know. Can you elaborate?

Some call it c0cky funny. I felt like using different words. Sexual confident men get the girl. Its prehistoric wiring.

 

[The Duke]

A womans desire to have sex with you starts way before she ends up in bed with you. There are so many things that contribute to that. The answer to your question lies within as its your job to set the stage.

If you came across as a guy that is looking for a solid relationship and she sees you as long term potential, then she will be concerned about acting like a wh0re and giving it up on the first date. She will want to wait to not hurt her chances of having something solid with you.

The fact that you let her organize the dates didn't do you any favors. I've dated girls that lived in a different town. Our first several dates were usually places in between my place and hers, or in her town. It didn't stop me from organizing the date in a place I knew nothing about. There is this amazing tool called the INTERNET, and you can find pretty much anything on it, use it to your advantage in finding an appropriate place to meet. I always get compliments when I organize something at a place I had never been to and it turns out good. It lets a woman know she can trust me in adverse situations and she can rely on me to make solid decisions. Thats one of those ground work things that creates sexual desire. She was sizing you up and you didn't even know it. You told her to plan it and put it all on her. You waisted an opportunity.

Women have all of these "attraction switches" that you need to flip in order to properly seduce and have sex with. The more you understand what it is they are looking for and provide for it, the more willing they are to do whatever it is you want. Thats what makes them so great.

I wouldn't be one bit concerned about not getting sex in these two situations. It will definitely happen on the 2nd date if you keep doing what you are doing.

My guess is you are a guy with decent looks, good job, makes women feel comfortable, has his life in order. Overall, decent with women just been a while. If thats you, then no need to worry. Knock the rust off, get your confidence up a little higher, and you'll be banging girls on the first date you wish you never would have fuhked!

A few other pointers to get women to have sex on the first date:
-More conversation before the date.
-More stories that demonstrate your value and character that women connect to and make them warm and fuzzy inside.
-More physical touch(arm on the small of her back, hold her hand, sit next to her, hand on her butt). She needs to be receptive to this tho. Some aren't comfortable with public displays of affection.
-Dancing.
-Music.
-Alcohol.
-Take her to better venues that have atmospheres conducive to intimacy.

 

[manfromitaly]

As already mentioned, unless you already know each other or have been texting for a long time it is always better to avoid sex on the first date. The risk that you won't see each other again is high, as you saw they were attracted and would also have liked to do it with you, but it's a question of principle for them. It's all about the social repercussions they might face.

 

[Divorced w 3]

As already mentioned, unless you already know each other or have been texting for a long time it is always better to avoid sex on the first date. The risk that you won't see each other again is high, as you saw they were attracted and would also have liked to do it with you, but it's a question of principle for them. It's all about the social repercussions they might face.

Any woman who grew up watching Grays Anatomy is in agreement, unfortunately

 

[Chow Mein]

With the first one we went to my place (she was so excited that 140 kilometers drive was not an obstacle) and we ended up massaging each other, touching bare breast and very much playful kissing in bed, but she firmly rejected me getting in her underwear.

With the second one we ended in her place, violently kissing, petting her to orgasm and once again - firm rejection of regular sex.

Did you try taking her hand and guiding them up and down your trousers? Let their imagination take over on what might be underneath.

 

[Clockwerk50]

How far did you try to go?

To be fair, it could be that you didn’t use enough finess/game to go all the way. However, I think it most likely that they are withholding sex because they want to keep seeing you.

I read somewhere that there was this bachelor that would take women to his condo from the club that were DTF. When the girls would go inside the apartment they would see that the guy had money, so they would play the relationship game. The bachelor decided to flip his living room with his bedroom, as in he put his bed and night table in the middle of the condo, and the girls were more incline to have sex with him. This could be you.