Soft Next or am I Overthinking?

[CheekyMonkey101]

I wouldn't set up another date immediately when we part ways. I don't even think about that at that time lol.

However, sometimes she's gonna employ the same tactic- the fear of being perceived as being too available to you, so she might have replied about some nonexistent plan with her friends. Just say "alright, have fun if you do" which will tell her you are okay with her having life outside of you and prove that you are not jealous. She will come back to you very fast, trust me.
In any case, this is nothing to worry about.

Yeah, we spoke last night. I said I was busy this week but can arrange for next week and so we've arranged for Sunday.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Soft next? Dude, you are f3ucking and going well with this chick, what is this with you guys trying to over-think stuff and next women who just say "i'll let you know"?

Let her ping you when she is back, arrange a new date, and move on from there.

Overthinking, kills guys chances in this game. This new era of soft-next when a chick just responds unsure when everything is going fine is what causes guys to enter this phase of Alpha-Beta crap.



Great, nothing has changed. Is you overthinking and reading a-lot of books on nexting women when they tell you "i will let you know"

There is friends, There is a thing called life and schedule. Circumstances change. Adapt.

Things are going fine, let her go with her female friends and ping you when she is back, schedule the next date.

There you go.

Yeah, you're right. I am terrible for overthinking.

We spoke last night and I said I was busy this week and so we arranged for Sunday.

I'll take this as a learning curve.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

imo ANY sudden and unexplainable change in her availability / mood / vibe usually means theres a new sheriff on the scene and she's either thinking about scheduling a new d1ck appointment or already having one

You're still in very shallow waters at only a month in and its very possible theres other guys either still on the scene or coming back on it

Proceed with caution

Yeah, that's one of the struggles of the current dating scene.

I'll have to just continue what I'm doing and being observant and come what may.

 

[The Duke]

Hi.

I've been seeing this girl for just over a month now (nine dates in total).

She initiates a lot of contact, always happy to f*ck, quick to respond usually, inexpensive dates which often cost nothing, very touchy and shows up on time.

Last night on the way back from hers I asked when would be good for her next week as she's going away from Friday until Sunday. She said that she wasn't exactly sure yet as she is planning something with her female friends next week but is unsure of which day and is unavailable Thursday and Friday.

Obviously the "I'll let you know" is code for "no", so should I soft next for a bit or am I overthinking it?

She also messaged me late last night to see if I got home but I haven't responded yet.

I'd appreciate any suggestions and thanks in advance.

You are severely overthinking and creating problems where there are none. "I'll let you know" is not code for NO in this case. She simply isn't sure.

Your emotional insecurity/neediness causes you to want to set up the next date before the current date has even ended. Work on yourself before you drive this girl away. Give the girl some breathing room. Stop projecting your own skewed views onto someone else.

Why worry so much about this one if you have others, regardless if she is your favorite or not.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Way overthinking at this point.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

You are severely overthinking and creating problems where there are none. "I'll let you know" is not code for NO in this case. She simply isn't sure.

Your emotional insecurity/neediness causes you to want to set up the next date before the current date has even ended. Work on yourself before you drive this girl away. Give the girl some breathing room. Stop projecting your own skewed views onto someone else.

Why worry so much about this one if you have others, regardless if she is your favorite or not.

Yes, you're right. It was a silly move to try to set one up then, I just assumed that it was a sure thing due to how into me she seemed to be.

I've set one up for next week anyway. I've learned a valuable lesson in this at least.

 

[Glassguy]

You are severely overthinking and creating problems where there are none. "I'll let you know" is not code for NO in this case. She simply isn't sure.

Your emotional insecurity/neediness causes you to want to set up the next date before the current date has even ended. Work on yourself before you drive this girl away. Give the girl some breathing room. Stop projecting your own skewed views onto someone else.

Why worry so much about this one if you have others, regardless if she is your favorite or not.

Totally agree.
OP- just say "ok no problem, let me know when you can get free". Then sit back, hit up other chicks and if she lets you know, great. If you don't hear back from her, that's fine too.

You create a mood of neediness which will male a woman feel smothered and withdraw if you act needy.
However if you act cool, and leave the ball in her court and then go silent......you create some good anxiety. She will wonder about you and what you're doing. Wonder why you aren't blowing her up.....

And then she will chase.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Totally agree.
OP- just say "ok no problem, let me know when you can get free". Then sit back, hit up other chicks and if she lets you know, great. If you don't hear back from her, that's fine too.

You create a mood of neediness which will male a woman feel smothered and withdraw if you act needy.
However if you act cool, and leave the ball in her court and then go silent......you create some good anxiety. She will wonder about you and what you're doing. Wonder why you aren't blowing her up.....

And then she will chase.

Yeah, I'll have to do that going forward. I've learned a valuable lesson from this in regards to insecurity and overthinking.

I have salvaged it by getting a date arranging to meet her on Sunday. I'll need to remember this to prevent this silliness from happening again. At least I'm aware of what I'm doing wrong, I suppose.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Totally agree.
OP- just say "ok no problem, let me know when you can get free". Then sit back, hit up other chicks and if she lets you know, great. If you don't hear back from her, that's fine too.

You create a mood of neediness which will male a woman feel smothered and withdraw if you act needy.
However if you act cool, and leave the ball in her court and then go silent......you create some good anxiety. She will wonder about you and what you're doing. Wonder why you aren't blowing her up.....

And then she will chase.

9 dates in a month definitely adds to that...way too frequent for someone that new.

I don't even see women I am dating for 6 months that many times usually

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

9 dates in a month definitely adds to that...way too frequent for someone that new.

I don't even see women I am dating for 6 months that many times usually

Yeah, I guess it has been a lot. She was also the one who initiated a lot of the meet ups, though.

I am seeing two other girls frequently too and they're both going well, so there are other options if this goes south anyway.

 

[Divorced w 3]

9 dates in a month definitely adds to that...way too frequent for someone that new.

I don't even see women I am dating for 6 months that many times usually

Was going to say this , should be at the 4-6 (high end) range at absolute most - the seeing her a lot is telegraphing insecurity and neediness - I suggest OP simply say okay have a great time and then do not call her lol she will reach out. Have to reset frame here

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Was going to say this , should be at the 4-6 (high end) range at absolute most - the seeing her a lot is telegraphing insecurity and neediness - I suggest OP simply say okay have a great time and then do not call her lol she will reach out. Have to reset frame here

Yeah, I'll do that after the next date.

She often reaches out and suggests dates anyway.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Yeah, I'll do that after the next date.

She often reaches out and suggests dates anyway.

She is setting a trap and you are walking into it.

She is trying to find out just how much time you have for her, and she is finding out it's however much she wants.

Not a good place to be.

Men always say "But she is the one who constantly wants to spend time and do stuff together".

Yes, of course...because she is testing what kind of man you are. Are you the kind who will stand your ground and have healthy boundaries for spending time with someone or are you a man who will allow her to run roughshod over you and you'll do whatever she wants.

Your time is the most valuable asset you have to a woman and you should be doling it out in bite sized chunks, not inviting her to pull her chair up to an all you can eat buffet.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

She is setting a trap and you are walking into it.

She is trying to find out just how much time you have for her, and she is finding out it's however much she wants.

Not a good place to be.

Men always say "But she is the one who constantly wants to spend time and do stuff together".

Yes, of course...because she is testing what kind of man you are. Are you the kind who will stand your ground and have healthy boundaries for spending time with someone or are you a man who will allow her to run roughshod over you and you'll do whatever she wants.

Your time is the most valuable asset you have to a woman and you should be doling it out in bite sized chunks, not inviting her to pull her chair up to an all you can eat buffet.

Yeah, that's very true. I did say that I was busy this week so couldn't meet up, but could do some time next week. That was a good move I think.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Yeah, I'll do that after the next date.

She often reaches out and suggests dates anyway.

Re-read what I wrote please. There is no next date. You proposed one and she said no. You have a tremendous opportunity here if you’re willing to look at it differently. Here’s a suggested way to see the same situation through a new set of eyes:

Facts:
You have been sleeping with this woman for a month
You have offered her a tremendous amount of your time
You proposed more of it and she declined
She did not offer a new date in response

Here’s how you can look at this instead and potentially reset her view of you:

You can warmly wish her a great trip
You can maintain radio silence until she communicates and then you can come back to this board with the response and if you want, tag me and I’ll offer to give you a response back before you say anything (it will likely be a short, non committed reply)
In being nonchalant you begin to telegraph unavailability and create the impression of a fuller life
As a sexual partner, her emotions likely are going to start pushing her mind into a higher level of concern and interest in you
You can start filling some of your free time with self-fulfilling activities and friendships
You can learn from us as we walk you through this and make these ideas your own
You need to read book of pook or I refuse to help

Let me know

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Re-read what I wrote please. There is no next date. You proposed one and she said no. You have a tremendous opportunity here if you’re willing to look at it differently. Here’s a suggested way to see the same situation through a new set of eyes:

Facts:
You have been sleeping with this woman for a month
You have offered her a tremendous amount of your time
You proposed more of it and she declined
She did not offer a new date in response

Here’s how you can look at this instead and potentially reset her view of you:

You can warmly wish her a great trip
You can maintain radio silence until she communicates and then you can come back to this board with the response and if you want, tag me and I’ll offer to give you a response back before you say anything (it will likely be a short, non committed reply)
In being nonchalant you begin to telegraph unavailability and create the impression of a fuller life
As a sexual partner, her emotions likely are going to start pushing her mind into a higher level of concern and interest in you
You can start filling some of your free time with self-fulfilling activities and friendships
You can learn from us as we walk you through this and make these ideas your own
You need to read book of pook or I refuse to help

Let me know

No, I've texted her since saying that I was busy this week so I couldn't meet so I suggested next week could work and so we arranged for Sunday as I had nothing on then. She was the one who brought up Sunday after my initial text about my unavailability.

She knows I've got other ventures on as well (side business and training for a fight), so I then ask when she's available and if I'm also available then I arrange from there. I never drop prior commitments.

But yes, I definitely agree that I've at times probably looked too readily available and so I've got to pull back a bit. I've learned from this interaction. Only thing I can do.

And yes I do appreciate the help so far in this thread (including from you). I wouldn't have made this thread if I had the impression that you guys were clueless.

 

[Divorced w 3]

No, I've texted her since saying that I was busy this week so I couldn't meet so I suggested next week could work and so we arranged for Sunday as I had nothing on then. She was the one who brought up Sunday after my initial text about my unavailability.

She knows I've got other ventures on as well (side business and training for a fight), so I then ask when she's available and if I'm also available then I arrange from there. I never drop prior commitments.

But yes, I definitely agree that I've at times probably looked too readily available and so I've got to pull back a bit. I've learned from this interaction. Only thing I can do.

And yes I do appreciate the help so far in this thread (including from you). I wouldn't have made this thread if I had the impression that you guys were clueless.

The Sunday thing back from her wasn’t originally communicated. If you want this woman to genuinely be attracted to you, once every 7-10 days should be the max, then you start seeing another woman or two if you can, and you most importantly focus on your own needs. The impression I am getting from her with you is that you’re a fwb and that’s not a good place to be because she thinks and actually is in the drivers seat. Even if you’re just buddies you should always want to be driving the relationship as best as you can. Either way I am rooting for you but you need to be more disclosed on what’s going on and don’t ask for advice if you’re not going to take it.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

The Sunday thing back from her wasn’t originally communicated. If you want this woman to genuinely be attracted to you, once every 7-10 days should be the max, then you start seeing another woman or two if you can, and you most importantly focus on your own needs. The impression I am getting from her with you is that you’re a fwb and that’s not a good place to be because she thinks and actually is in the drivers seat. Even if you’re just buddies you should always want to be driving the relationship as best as you can. Either way I am rooting for you but you need to be more disclosed on what’s going on and don’t ask for advice if you’re not going to take it.

I am taking the advice and I appreciate it. I've noted what I should do going forward based on what has been said here; ie not spending so much time together and not being so readily available. We've spent enough time together for now.

I'll also cut back on messaging as well for a bit. I'll let her reach out.