I try to be kind but some people finds me weak

[nelysses]

I read "how to win friends and influence people" from dale carnegie.
I compliment people, don't criticize them, Try to be kind etc but they find me weak.
So What should I do now?

Not just about this book. I read about masculanity so I'm being polite to people like a man not a teen. Adults find me good but in my ages(22) people finds me boring and weak. Is it normal? Am I doing something wrong?

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

What evidence do you have of “people” finding you “weak”?

 

[nelysses]

What evidence do you have of “people” finding you “weak”?

I hear them talking behind my back. I'm just trying to be polite, but I've heard people say I'm trying to please them.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I hear them talking behind my back. I'm just trying to be polite, but I've heard people say I'm trying to please them.

I find that strange...people don't talk about other people in that way typically.

That's one of my favorite books tho...I've read it many times.

 

[Michael Chief]

How did I know it was going to be you when I saw this thread title? lol

There are many universal aspects of masculinity that are expressed in the same ways no matter where you are in the world. Being muscular will always be seen as masculine in any country, for example, and there isn't a single country in the world where submissiveness would be seen as masculine.

However, many expressions of masculinity can vary wildly across different countries and cultures. I forgot what country you said you're from, but it'll be a good idea for you to pay close attention to what your culture deems as masculine, and to emulate at least some of that. It might feel performative in some ways, but keep trying different culturally determined masculine expressions until you find ones that resonate with you.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I hear them talking behind my back. I'm just trying to be polite, but I've heard people say I'm trying to please them.

You're not being kind. You're acting as a doormat complaining someone wipes their feet on you.

 

[nelysses]

You're not being kind. You're acting as a doormat complaining someone wipes their feet on you.

How did I know it was going to be you when I saw this thread title? lol

There are many universal aspects of masculinity that are expressed in the same ways no matter where you are in the world. Being muscular will always be seen as masculine in any country, for example, and there isn't a single country in the world where submissiveness would be seen as masculine.

However, many expressions of masculinity can vary wildly across different countries and cultures. I forgot what country you said you're from, but it'll be a good idea for you to pay close attention to what your culture deems as masculine, and to emulate at least some of that. It might feel performative in some ways, but keep trying different culturally determined masculine expressions until you find ones that resonate with you.

I find that strange...people don't talk about other people in that way typically.

That's one of my favorite books tho...I've read it many times.

People normally think of me like that. In high school, I was described as very outspoken and tough.
But in the end, the same thing always happened. I have a few friends and I'm not on good terms with the rest of the people. If I didn't like something, I said it. If I didn't like someone, he would know that I didn't like him.

I decided to change things at university. I started to be more friendly and treat people well. Especially the book "how to win friends and influence people" was very effective in this.
But when I look at it today, some people might see it as if I was trying to please them.
When I'm not criticizing someone for something bad, I'm just trying to be kind to them. But he thinks I'm insecure.

I'm into boxing so I'm strong enough to protect myself. I don't shy away from anyone. I'm just trying not to offend people and be friendly. I don't want them to be afraid of me.
It's not about masculinity. A boy who weighs 60 kilos and is 175 tall says that I am trying to please him behind his back.
He's too much of a coward to say it to my face. But like I said, I'm just trying to get along with people.

Maybe it's because I'm trying to please them, as you say, but how can I solve this? I realized being rude wasn't my thing. Even though I try to be gentlemanly, this problem arises.

 

[Michael Chief]

Sounds like the biggest problem might be that you're caring too much about what other people think of you.

 

[nelysses]

Sounds like the biggest problem might be that you're caring too much about what other people think of you.

owada

Sounds like the biggest problem might be that you're caring too much about what other people think of you.

Nowadays yes. Because Our class was divided into 4 groups and none of my friends in my group.
There are a few people with whom I had problems before. (They thought I was a slut because I wrote to a lot of girls in the first year of university )
I also have a few distant friends.
I want to meet and not be alone, but the problems I mentioned arise.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

People normally think of me like that. In high school, I was described as very outspoken and tough.
But in the end, the same thing always happened. I have a few friends and I'm not on good terms with the rest of the people. If I didn't like something, I said it. If I didn't like someone, he would know that I didn't like him.

I decided to change things at university. I started to be more friendly and treat people well. Especially the book "how to win friends and influence people" was very effective in this.
But when I look at it today, some people might see it as if I was trying to please them.
When I'm not criticizing someone for something bad, I'm just trying to be kind to them. But he thinks I'm insecure.

I'm into boxing so I'm strong enough to protect myself. I don't shy away from anyone. I'm just trying not to offend people and be friendly. I don't want them to be afraid of me.
It's not about masculinity. A boy who weighs 60 kilos and is 175 tall says that I am trying to please him behind his back.
He's too much of a coward to say it to my face. But like I said, I'm just trying to get along with people.

Maybe it's because I'm trying to please them, as you say, but how can I solve this? I realized being rude wasn't my thing. Even though I try to be gentlemanly, this problem arises.

This indicates that you lack something called diplomacy and tact.

Often times it is not the message that causes problems, rather the way you choose to deliver it.

Ever hear the saying "It's not what you said, it's how you said it"? That would be much of what seems to be the issue and if you are learning anything from the Dale Carnegie book you would see there are many instances of this in the book.

Abe Lincoln once said "an ounce of honey gathers more flies than a gallon of gall."

Remember this and think before you speak in terms of how you want to deliver the message. Moreso than anything else, the people are rejecting the way you are delivering the message rather than the message itself.

 

[nelysses]

This indicates that you lack something called diplomacy and tact.

Often times it is not the message that causes problems, rather the way you choose to deliver it.

Ever hear the saying "It's not what you said, it's how you said it"? That would be much of what seems to be the issue and if you are learning anything from the Dale Carnegie book you would see there are many instances of this in the book.

Abe Lincoln once said "an ounce of honey gathers more flies than a gallon of gall."

Remember this and think before you speak in terms of how you want to deliver the message. Moreso than anything else, the people are rejecting the way you are delivering the message rather than the message itself.

As I mentioned, I used to be rude. Now I've decided to fix this and I'm trying to be polite to people, but there are people who misunderstand my politeness and think I'm trying to please them.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

As I mentioned, I used to be rude. Now I've decided to fix this and I'm trying to be polite to people, but there are people who misunderstand my politeness and think I'm trying to please them.

It's most likely because you are not congruent with your body language and/or tone and the message you are delivering.