(Opinion? Thoughts?) Keeping your autonomy when you're middle aged...

[halfguard]

Wondering if anyone else has either gone through this or is going through this...

I'm 51. Been divorced about 9 years. Never had a real problem with women. It obviously got better about 4 years ago when I started to understand red pill stuff and game and all that. Leveled up. Etc. Quality improved, was able to date a wide range of ages, etc. All the stuff that comes with understanding women blah blah blah.

With that said, I'm looking for opinions or thoughts or experiences on how I can continue to keep my freedom, date 1 or 2 women at once (giving them 100% of my attention and focus when I'm with them) but not hurting them or flat out being sneaky when I'm not with them.

For instance women over 40 tend to want a little more of my time and are way more attentive to when I go MIA for a day or two. They aren't stupid. I can always be like "look...I date multiple women" (in a more tactful way of course) but that usually doesn't go over well.

And if anyone is wondering why I'm dating women over 40...it's simple...I'm at the point where I'm looking for 1 or 2 genuine connections. It's not about notches anymore. And most women in their 20s/30s, while it is way easier to do whatever I want since they aren't as battle hardened yet, now that I'm in my 50s...I'm being a bit more practical.

I guess what I'm asking is...how do I or would you, cultivate some healthy long term relationships (Even just 1) while keeping your autonomy and freedom.

Even just seeing 1 women I still want my time and freedom. No commitments. Not be questioned, like "why haven't you texted me last night." Or if I'm out and I don't bother answering their texts until the next day...They are going to ask what I was doing and who I was with. I can usually make jokes or change the subject but eventually I have to come clean since I'm not going to lie.

I know it's about holding your frame and all that.

I've tried both ways before. Usually once the women (again usually over 40) knows I'm still "dating" others they may distance themselves and just say screw it. I've also had the opposite where they become more attracted and deal with it for awhile and just rather not know. Don't ask, don't tell kind of thing. But eventually they all want more.

I know the obvious answer is...just tell them like it is. They don't like it...too bad.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone else manages their freedom and non exclusivity while having 1 or 2 women and avoiding them being side swiped or any drama?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

For instance women over 40 tend to want a little more of my time and are way more attentive to when I go MIA for a day or two. They aren't stupid. I can always be like "look...I date multiple women" (in a more tactful way of course) but that usually doesn't go over well.

I just tell them. You can share the tomcat or go with the poessycat, choice is yours. If they walk, they're only interested in exclusivity.

And, whatever you do, never live together. Nothing kills passion faster than convenience and complacency.

 

[halfguard]

I just tell them. You can share the tomcat or go with the poessycat, choice is yours. If they walk, they're only interested in exclusivity.

And, whatever you do, never live together. Nothing kills passion faster than convenience and complacency.

That's my point. Most are interested in exclusivity. I've jokingly said similar things like your tomcat analogy lol.

Are you finding lots of women 40 and over not into exclusivity? It seems to be all I run into.

(And don't worry. No way in hell I'd ever live with someone. You nailed the reasons why)

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

The way I do it is to frame them as needy in a playful way. I tend to date women with prominent personalities and IQs - it usually puts them in their place. If you want more than one woman to be monogamous with you - that takes some deceit.

You are not monogamous unless you have a discussion with the other person - and even then, many women consider boyfriends as being diaphanous partners - if she "feels" like you're not engaged fully or she's pissed at you, she's going to bang someone else because she feels unhappy at the moment.

The best way to do it is to avoid the DTR conversation and date at your level or lower. Higher-value women will not put up with your antics for long. That or you need to be good at deception and have a lot of plausible deniability, e.g., "the kids," "my sister wants me to visit her," and any other myriad reasons. And as you've said, hold your frame. Even if you're free Friday night and want to see her but saw her Thursday night, DO NOT DO IT; keep from thinking with your pud. With two women, keeping a schedule is easy if you have other responsibilities. With more, it becomes like scheduling gates at Heathrow.

Most men cannot do this for long. It takes a cold arse mfer to keep it straight - almost sociopathic.

 

[halfguard]

Most men cannot do this for long. It takes a cold arse mfer to keep it straight - almost sociopathic.

Then I'm a sociopath because I've been doing this for years. The catch was they were my level or a little lower. Lately however I've been dating slightly above my level and higher. So I'm wondering if I can pull it off.

I do in fact have solid reasons though that are true. Client dinners, jiu jitsu, plans with family, plans with friends. I think because I that I'm able to make it last long.

I suppose I have to choose what kind of lifestyle I want to live. Free and juggling or semi-serious/monogamous.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I’ve been doing it for a while myself and it’s fun but sometimes it becomes mechanical. I just dropped my #2 hottie that IMO is a solid 8. She just became too much maintenance for me, she was like a facking black hole emotionally.

And you know what? I’m sighing in relief.

 

[halfguard]

Yeah. I just ended it with one who after like a year of casual just became bat **** crazy and had so many emotional problems and financial issues. She was an energy vampire.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Are you finding lots of women 40 and over not into exclusivity? It seems to be all I run into.

My kittens tend to be under 40, but I actually don't see a priority at exclusivity with an increase in age. I found most women past thirty take my offer while keeping their eyes open for exclusivity from other men, knowing that I'm not boyfriend material.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Most men cannot do this for long. It takes a cold arse mfer to keep it straight - almost sociopathic.

I agree with most of what you say, but I'm just straight with my kittens without being a sociopath about it. It's not a 'frame', I'm an Einzelgänger and prefer to live alone. I don't care if a kitten has other men as well, she's free to get wifed up by someone else.

 

[Westminster]

I think the main thing is having your own pad. Sure, spend time at her place and vice versa.

But don't move in with her full time. That's the key to independence. IMO anyway.

 

[Mertz09]

Then I'm a sociopath because I've been doing this for years. The catch was they were my level or a little lower. Lately however I've been dating slightly above my level and higher. So I'm wondering if I can pull it off.

I do in fact have solid reasons though that are true. Client dinners, jiu jitsu, plans with family, plans with friends. I think because I that I'm able to make it last long.

I suppose I have to choose what kind of lifestyle I want to live. Free and juggling or semi-serious/monogamous.

"Women NEVER want full disclosure."

 

[halfguard]

"Women NEVER want full disclosure."

I've learned this over the years as well and it is a very powerful rule to follow.

Their imaginations run wild. Literally this past week I started seeing this blond. And I make sure not to text her alot and start all that crap. And she constantly would text me after a few days and somewhere in the text convo she would jokingly say "you were probably out with some young hot hoe last night" Or some crap like that. Meanwhile my ass was on the couch watching Seinfeld reruns.

My concern is at some point they always want to take it to another level or they point blank as stupid questions like, "Are you seeing anyone else?" Or 'Did you miss me this week?" Things like that. I can only be indirect so much.

I suppose I could say, "Yes I am seeing other people" Or "No I really didn't miss you I was kind of too busy to even think about you.' But that's harsh. Lol

 

[SW15]

women over 40 tend to want a little more of my time and are way more attentive to when I go MIA for a day or two. They aren't stupid. I can always be like "look...I date multiple women" (in a more tactful way of course) but that usually doesn't go over well.

And if anyone is wondering why I'm dating women over 40...it's simple...I'm at the point where I'm looking for 1 or 2 genuine connections. It's not about notches anymore. And most women in their 20s/30s, while it is way easier to do whatever I want since they aren't as battle hardened yet, now that I'm in my 50s...I'm being a bit more practical.

I guess what I'm asking is...how do I or would you, cultivate some healthy long term relationships (Even just 1) while keeping your autonomy and freedom.

Even just seeing 1 women I still want my time and freedom. No commitments. Not be questioned, like "why haven't you texted me last night." Or if I'm out and I don't bother answering their texts until the next day...They are going to ask what I was doing and who I was with. I can usually make jokes or change the subject but eventually I have to come clean since I'm not going to lie.

I know it's about holding your frame and all that.

At 51, it is very realistic to date women 40+. A 40 year old is an impressive girlfriend for a 51 year old man.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #1 would be applicable here. You would need to hold your frame. Even in an LTR, you need to establish that you need your personal space to pursue your own interests.

Don't move in with any of your girlfriends or bring it up. That's also another Iron Rule of Tomassi.

31 year old men often desire to have a girlfriend yet keep autonomy too, so this isn't necessarily specific to men 40+.

 

[Scaramouche]

Wondering if anyone else has either gone through this or is going through this...

I'm 51. Been divorced about 9 years. Never had a real problem with women. It obviously got better about 4 years ago when I started to understand red pill stuff and game and all that. Leveled up. Etc. Quality improved, was able to date a wide range of ages, etc. All the stuff that comes with understanding women blah blah blah.

With that said, I'm looking for opinions or thoughts or experiences on how I can continue to keep my freedom, date 1 or 2 women at once (giving them 100% of my attention and focus when I'm with them) but not hurting them or flat out being sneaky when I'm not with them.

For instance women over 40 tend to want a little more of my time and are way more attentive to when I go MIA for a day or two. They aren't stupid. I can always be like "look...I date multiple women" (in a more tactful way of course) but that usually doesn't go over well.

And if anyone is wondering why I'm dating women over 40...it's simple...I'm at the point where I'm looking for 1 or 2 genuine connections. It's not about notches anymore. And most women in their 20s/30s, while it is way easier to do whatever I want since they aren't as battle hardened yet, now that I'm in my 50s...I'm being a bit more practical.

I guess what I'm asking is...how do I or would you, cultivate some healthy long term relationships (Even just 1) while keeping your autonomy and freedom.

Even just seeing 1 women I still want my time and freedom. No commitments. Not be questioned, like "why haven't you texted me last night." Or if I'm out and I don't bother answering their texts until the next day...They are going to ask what I was doing and who I was with. I can usually make jokes or change the subject but eventually I have to come clean since I'm not going to lie.

I know it's about holding your frame and all that.

I've tried both ways before. Usually once the women (again usually over 40) knows I'm still "dating" others they may distance themselves and just say screw it. I've also had the opposite where they become more attracted and deal with it for awhile and just rather not know. Don't ask, don't tell kind of thing. But eventually they all want more.

I know the obvious answer is...just tell them like it is. They don't like it...too bad.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone else manages their freedom and non exclusivity while having 1 or 2 women and avoiding them being side swiped or any drama?

Hi Halfguard,
The prevailing Mantra would seem,never let her get her feet under your table...To protect yourself against emotional blackmail,always have a fall back position and most importantly if in a moment of weekness you do succumb,it is always easier to move out of her place but very hard to get her to leave yours.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Your asking for a rather tall order.

If it's just mutually physical (or FWB) agreeable, it's not as difficult. However, when you are wanting a simulated type relationship without the potential of eventual monogamy, you want find a lot of takers. I'm not knocking your choice. I'm just saying that women seem cooler with FWB, than a stroll down something that looks romantic, but isn't.

When I was younger, I'd just say "I'm not looking for anything serious right now." Your mileage may vary, but with each decade, I've found that women become more impatient about this response.

Usually when I offer advice, I speak on experience. What I'm about to suggest, I haven't tried, but it's a variation of the above.
Perhaps say something like: "I have too many things going on right now to consider a relationship. I do enjoy your companionship though and I hope that this continues."

 

[Mertz09]

"If it's just mutually physical (or FWB) agreeable, it's not as difficult." FWB A few years ago I went to my annual check-up with my doctor of 20+ years. She ask me "don't you have a Wife at home???" My answer was NO. But have some "friends" (aka plates.) She said ok But don't they want to get Married? I said I'm not sure. She says "Yes They Do!"

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It's fine as long as you understand your shelf like is around 3-4 months with most women in these situations.

They will eventually want more, you won't give it to them, they find someone who will.

Nothing wrong with this on either side.
If you are asking how you can keep them longer, well, you really can't. That's life when you want to have your cake and eat it too.

 

[Scaramouche]

As one ages into the scene,the Demographic gradually changes,it is far easier to find a Woman with her own home and Hubby substitutes like Family,Pets,Garden...The need for your Handy Man skills will of course still remain.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

A 40 year old desperate woman will do just about anything for a fertile nut, you gotta be careful, as others have stated you have a limited shelf life unless your goals are aligned but even then if your a catch they try to lock you down.

Reframe your way of thinking about this... Your not old, your apex, your at the point where you still have your health but now have a bit of wealth as well, use these things to cultivate social status and you'll have the trifecta, Health, Wealth and Status... Once you have this, you can bang 25 year olds if you want

 

[Gamisch]

Do how we do, Caribbean style: lie as much as possible.

You won't ever be able to change a woman. Especially over 40..she has her believe system and it will be extremely difficult to convince her otherwise.

Been here countless times. It would SEEM like it's easygoing: in theory both parties are matured by now with lightyears of experience. Both should be aware that its best to take things slow. But in reality these women are even more eager to get into a quick relationship.

The reason is that women will notice the difference between how we men responded to them when they were prime 20 and now they're 40+.

Tbh it's a sad affair mostly : within weeks it will be crystal clear why both parties are single and unable to get a long term partner.