Girl Says She's Not Into FWBs/Casual On First Meet

[jamesfromhouston]

Hi gents.

Simple question really:

Would you guys immediately disqualify/pass on a girl who says she's not into friend with benefits or casual hook-ups on first encounter?

There have been a couple of times I've met girls on OLD and during cold approach and they tell me this from the get go. I am not talking about "the talk" that plates have with you over time, but how some girls just throw it out immediately when you meet them and barely know them. I've always took this statement at face value (since I am not looking for a LTR) but recently I had a discussion with a buddy of mine who told me that this is basically a ****-test. Apparently, they say one thing but it means another. Makes me wonder whether I've disqualified them too quickly by taking their statement on face value.

How do you guys see this and approach these sort of throw-off statements?

-James

 

[CornbreadFed]

Hi gents.

Simple question really:

Would you guys immediately disqualify/pass on a girl who says she's not into friend with benefits or casual hook-ups on first encounter?

There have been a couple of times I've met girls on OLD and during cold approach and they tell me this from the get go. I am not talking about "the talk" that plates have with you over time, but how some girls just throw it out immediately when you meet them and barely know them. I've always took this statement at face value (since I am not looking for a LTR) but recently I had a discussion with a buddy of mine who told me that this is basically a ****-test. Apparently, they say one thing but it means another. Makes me wonder whether I've disqualified them too quickly by taking their statement on face value.

How do you guys see this and approach these sort of throw-off statements?

-James

Either she is playing games....Red Flag

Or

She is a 304.....Red Flag

But I get it, you are just going to tell me that you just want to spin plates. Okay, but I look forward to your future topic within 6 months crying about this same girl.

 

[Black Widow Void]

This is peculiar. In all my dating experience, I've never heard a woman say that she's" not into friend with benefits or casual hook-ups on first encounter."

If what you are saying is... a woman saying that she "will not sleep with you on the first date" I've heard it plenty of times. Sometimes it's true and sometimes it's not. Because I don't have a crystal ball, I don't know the outcome. If it's said in a non-passionate situation (like if I invite her over and she accepts) i usually respond with something playful like... "here it is and only the first date and you are already talking about sex... sigh... doesn't anybody respect me for my mind?" Or... 'Easy now. If I move too fast, then you'll tell all the other girls and they'll ask me out for all the wrong reasons." In other words, I just laugh and play it off

When thinking back, I honestly can't recall the percentages, but I'm thinking that about 50% meant it and the other 50% didn't. I'm not really sure if it's considered a sh1t test though. I think it's more of an excuse for those that will... to appear as though we were the exception and seduced them. This way, they can think that we don't view them as a slvt or anything.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

This is peculiar. In all my dating experience, I've never heard a woman say that she's" not into friend with benefits or casual hook-ups on first encounter."

If what you are saying is... a woman saying that she "will not sleep with you on the first date" I've heard it plenty of times. Sometimes it's true and sometimes it's not. Because I don't have a crystal ball, I don't know the outcome. If it's said in a non-passionate situation (like if I invite her over and she accepts) i usually respond with something playful like... "here it is and only the first date and you are already talking about sex... sigh... doesn't anybody respect me for my mind?" Or... 'Easy now. If I move too fast, then you'll tell all the other girls and they'll ask me out for all the wrong reasons." In other words, I just laugh and play it off

When thinking back, I honestly can't recall the percentages, but I'm thinking that about 50% meant it and the other 50% didn't. I'm not really sure if it's considered a sh1t test though. I think it's more of an excuse for those that will... to appear as though we were the exception and seduced them. This way, they can think that we don't view them as a slvt or anything.

Great answer.

Your view is quite similar to my buddy's answer in some ways.

My own interpretation to girls who say stuff like this is, is that they are girls who have become jaded because of hook-up culture or casual dating. Maybe too worn-out, so they're only looking for serious relationships. So I always took these statements seriously in this way. And so I hard-passed on several girls who said this to me. I mean I respect their line but I am only looking for casual (non-LTR plates).

But my buddy told me that some girls will say this not because they only want LTRs but they want to qualify their own actions and their own self-worth. They don't want to be seen as a slut or just one of "the other girls" especially if she thinks you have high SMV and may be dating around a lot. They may still be casual with you despite what they say. And how you respond to it is a giant ****-test. My buddy's views.

 

[DonJuanjr]

My own interpretation to girls who say stuff like this is, is that they are girls who have become jaded because of hook-up culture or casual dating. Maybe too worn-out, so they're only looking for serious relationships.

That's how I view it also. I fear wasting multiple dates on the woman for her to change her mind/lose interest/get attention elsewhere etc. Though I don't think it's an absolute. I decided to just lie to women about my intent. They're ruthless with their mating strategies, so I can be too. I had a girl a couple months ago tell me she wasn't interested in fwb early on in texting stage. So I just lied and said I was looking for the same as she was. She came over and we banged on the first in-person meet. I eventually nexted her.

 

[jamesfromhouston]

They're ruthless with their mating strategies, so I can be too.

That's true. Increasingly I feel that we men have the shorter end of the stick. Girls are always so indirect and expect so much from us. Society expects us to live up to their standard. But most of the time, they contribute so much less to the dating and relationship table.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

Hi gents.

Simple question really:

Would you guys immediately disqualify/pass on a girl who says she's not into friend with benefits or casual hook-ups on first encounter?

There have been a couple of times I've met girls on OLD and during cold approach and they tell me this from the get go. I am not talking about "the talk" that plates have with you over time, but how some girls just throw it out immediately when you meet them and barely know them. I've always took this statement at face value (since I am not looking for a LTR) but recently I had a discussion with a buddy of mine who told me that this is basically a ****-test. Apparently, they say one thing but it means another. Makes me wonder whether I've disqualified them too quickly by taking their statement on face value.

How do you guys see this and approach these sort of throw-off statements?

-James

Just tell her to slow her roll, you just met and don't even know her. (But use a light touch.)

She is trying to expose you as desperate so flip the script on her. She should feel awkward for even bringing it up.

You can also say "whoah slow down, do you say this to every guy?" Get her to qualify herself.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

How do you guys see this and approach these sort of throw-off statements?

I guess you radiate 'player' vibes if she starts talking like that on your first date. You're probably coming on too strong.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I decided to just lie to women about my intent. They're ruthless with their mating strategies, so I can be too.

This message is to the lurkers and the less-experienced viewing this forum:

I agree that women (or at least, most) can be ruthless, conniving and vain etc... but I disagree on the action of using a woman. It's not right and it's not an action by men of honor and integrity. I won't lie. I've been tempted many times. However, if we justify such an action as.... "well, women do it too" then we are selling out our core values for pvssy. In other words, our own behavior becomes no better than of those we don't respect.

The above isn't a veiled put down to DonJuanjr or anyone else. I get it. When we are worked up, our mind isn't always thinking straight. What I'm saying is... in the long run, we will respect ourselves more for maintaining our sense of self-worth than for selling it out for an additional bedpost notch.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Hi gents.

Simple question really:

Would you guys immediately disqualify/pass on a girl who says she's not into friend with benefits or casual hook-ups on first encounter?

There have been a couple of times I've met girls on OLD and during cold approach and they tell me this from the get go. I am not talking about "the talk" that plates have with you over time, but how some girls just throw it out immediately when you meet them and barely know them. I've always took this statement at face value (since I am not looking for a LTR) but recently I had a discussion with a buddy of mine who told me that this is basically a ****-test. Apparently, they say one thing but it means another. Makes me wonder whether I've disqualified them too quickly by taking their statement on face value.

How do you guys see this and approach these sort of throw-off statements?

-James

I've found this means they actually ARE into that and have done it frequently in the past but don't want to do it anymore.

It's almost like her trying to disqualify herself to guys who want that because she knows she can't control herself and won't be able to put the brakes on. So instead she tries to put a giant fake roadblock in the way.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I've found this means they actually ARE into that and have done it frequently in the past but don't want to do it anymore.

It's almost like her trying to disqualify herself to guys who want that because she knows she can't control herself and won't be able to put the brakes on. So instead she tries to put a giant fake roadblock in the way.

I don't disagree with your analogy and have also found this to be true as well. However, I also think that we veterans have a responsibility to forum members and lurkers. ---- Sometimes when a girl says "no" she really means no.

If we're making out with a gal, it's no crime to slowly move our hand toward certain areas. I say "slowly" because this provides her with the opportunity to say "no" before we get there or to casually use her hand to move our hand away.

 

[member162951]

Consider that statement the female version of Mode One (direct and to the point to not waste time).

Strikes me as a woman who's been on the apps for awhile and tired of either being pumped and dumped or encountering men who only want casual sex/FBs/plates, which OP you readily admit you do.

At this point in her life, she's seeking something more substantial leading to LTR. So she very directly states what she's seeking - NO different from a man going Mode One directly telling her he wants to f*ck her, wants to have sex with her.

If you're not seeking a relationship with more substance, move on.

That's the point of Mode One, is it not? State what you want, directly and succinctly. Again, her comment was simply the female version or HER version.

Avoids wasting time and money (your money usually) on the wrong people.

Maybe you should thank her!

 

[DreamAgain]

Consider that statement the female version of Mode One (direct and to the point to not waste time).

Strikes me as a woman who's been on the apps for awhile and tired of either being pumped and dumped or encountering men who only want casual sex/FBs/plates, which OP you readily admit you do.

At this point in her life, she's seeking something more substantial leading to LTR. So she very directly states what she's seeking - NO different from a man going Mode One directly telling her he wants to f*ck her, wants to have sex with her.

If you're not seeking a relationship with more substance, move on.

That's the point of Mode One, is it not? State what you want, directly and succinctly. Again, her comment was simply the female version or HER version.

Avoids wasting time and money (your money usually) on the wrong people.

Maybe you should thank her!

Well said.

 

[Dr.Suave]

98% chance its a test, or Anti-Slut defense, or she´s alpha-widow, or she spent The Party Years in the Carousel but now she´s in Epiphany phase and wants exclusivity

1.9% She had a bad experience (like Pump & Ghost / Smash & Dash) and decided "No more sex until LTR/Marriage"

0.1% Other reason.

 

[Dr.Suave]

I disagree on the action of using a woman

No matter the age, there's nothing wrong with playing the field

Bro, this sounds contradictory to me. I guess you dont consider "playing the field" part of "using a woman".

Spinning plates (aka stringing girls along knowing they want exclusivity but you will probably never give it to them) its like the #1 advice of SoSuave. Im not saying I judge men who Spin Plates or "play the field" or that men should not do it. Im saying to me it kind of sounds like using the women.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Consider that statement the female version of Mode One (direct and to the point to not waste time).

Strikes me as a woman who's been on the apps for awhile and tired of either being pumped and dumped or encountering men who only want casual sex/FBs/plates, which OP you readily admit you do.

At this point in her life, she's seeking something more substantial leading to LTR. So she very directly states what she's seeking - NO different from a man going Mode One directly telling her he wants to f*ck her, wants to have sex with her.

If you're not seeking a relationship with more substance, move on.

That's the point of Mode One, is it not? State what you want, directly and succinctly. Again, her comment was simply the female version or HER version.

Avoids wasting time and money (your money usually) on the wrong people.

Maybe you should thank her!

Words are hollow. Those are the easiest ones to fvck quickly. They say it because they know they can't resist it so they try and just blurt it out hoping a guy doesn't see thru it

 

[Barrister]

In my experience, whenever I have had a woman say this it is just a challenge. She is looking to see if you are going to press the envelope on things and still try to get something (which as a DJ you should always be escalating). I think it is even higher than 50% that she will eventually put out on Date 1 - because usually if the woman is immediately bringing up sex like this it means she is imagining having sex with you. True, some women really mean it -- but I would say they are in a minority.

Remember, judge the woman by her actions.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Bro, this sounds contradictory to me. I guess you dont consider "playing the field" part of "using a woman".

Spinning plates (aka stringing girls along knowing they want exclusivity but you will probably never give it to them) its like the #1 advice of SoSuave. Im not saying I judge men who Spin Plates or "play the field" or that men should not do it. Im saying to me it kind of sounds like using the women.

Not contradictory in the least. “Playing the field” (as I know it to be) is keeping your options open and capitalizing on noncommittal opportunities.

There’s plenty of women out there that will consent to noncommittal ‘fun.’

There are some willing women that might prefer otherwise, but will still go along with a roll in the hay. And there are other wiling women that are cooler with it … and will respect you more for putting your intentions out front.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

OP say you're open to an LTR before the meet, use more comfort building in the early stages too

And also ask yourself, what vibe/look/personality did these avoidant girls have in common? Learn to spot the defensive ones early you can avoid these frame battles.

 

[Glassguy]

Ive heard this before on a 1st date. Then proceeded to bang them on the first date or on the second date.

Proceed as normal. First date is always drinks. See if after 2 or 3 drinks her personality doesnt change.

If she is a higher quality/value woman, she may require more of an investment level than 1 or 2 dates. No worries, as long as the sexual contact is escalating, proceed.