Being alone and the decision making process

[Slag]

I have a 43 year old friend that struggles being alone. He is recently divorced from his wife of 12 years. Even before the divorce was finalized, he was on practically every dating site in existence desperately searching for someone to fill the void. He's had a slew of girlfriends in the past year, but his emotional neediness drives them all away, quite often within a week. He's in sales and spends his workdays on the phone with customers, then spends his evenings on the phone with me, his other friends, or prospective girlfriends. The man simply cannot go any period of time at all without human contact. It's almost pitiful.

I'm the opposite. I live alone and am self employed. I spend the majority of my days working by myself. I was extremely shy when I was younger, and struggled terribly with social interaction. I have made great strides in overcoming my social shortcomings in the recent years, though. I appreciate time spent with close friends and family now more than ever. I also realize what a blessing it is to not need constant human interaction.

I don't really have much advice to give you, op. I was born a solitary individual, I didn't have to work at it. Staying busy is the best way to stave off the loneliness. It's easy for me, since I'm self employed and work from home. I could work around the clock if I wanted. Sometimes I do.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I'm the opposite. I live alone and am self employed. I spend the majority of my days working by myself. I was extremely shy when I was younger, and struggled terribly with social interaction. I have made great strides in overcoming my social shortcomings in the recent years, though. I appreciate time spent with close friends and family now more than ever. I also realize what a blessing it is to not need constant human interaction.

A lot depends on your personal mindset. I'm an Einzelgänger and I lived by myself most of my life, keeping my relationships LAT.
After I divorced, my thoughts were not 'let's get a new life partner', but 'I have all the weekends free of children, I can go motorcycling and going to tango salons and doing shibari'.
My ex loathed that I didn't sit around and mope, but just went on enjoying myself, getting better (she divorced me in a bad medical situation because she couldn't emotionally deal with that) and enjoyed female company without tying them down. Meanwhile she went through several 'LTR intended' relationships and is still unhappy and 'emotionally burned out' and 'surviving' (so much for the 'new life' she intended to have).

We have two kids together (now teenagers), so I cannot go 'No Contact', but we only discuss the children, not private life. All I know about her troubles is because she vents to the kids and they tell me everything

If you feel alone, get some hobbies that will distract you from being alone. And do some introspection into your attachment 'style', because neediness puts women off faster than skid marks in your underwear.

 

[Divorced w 3]

As far as books go, I remembered ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’ as recommended by @stringpuller - good read so far.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Amsterdam,
Are you talking of Argentine Tango?....I have been doing for nearly 20 years,now I understand why neither of us has problems finding Ladies,Feline or otherwise....It's the way to go,but a tough learning process for some years?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

It's the way to go,but a tough learning process for some years?

I took three courses with my (now ex) wife.
By the start of the second course, the instructors asked me if I would enjoy coming alone on other nights to dance with beginners as there were not enough men...

now I understand why neither of us has problems finding Ladies,Feline or otherwise...

It's a treasure trove of slender fit women to press against you and sweep across the dance floor (you don't see many out-of-shape women at dance class) and at the salons an older gentleman who can let women shine is always in favour. I have a lung function disorder from Covid, so I prefer slow tango over milonga, but I can still do both. I go about once a month to a salon, and often dance in my living room.

And many of the younger generations of men don't realise that a dance like tango is like vertical lovemaking on music...

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Amsterdam,
Yes they are all show ponies,but only as good as their leader,they flaunt their style,clothes and bling not to Males but to their Sisters....Very dull pedestrian Guys who shine at Dancing can soon have an entourage of obliging Ladies.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Guys who shine at Dancing can soon have an entourage of obliging Ladies.

Funny enough, nobody believes you when have a 'harem'. Then again, I don't care what people believe, so IDGAF.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Amsterdam,
Yes I believe you,I see the evidence every day,I was for a time friendly with a Guy about your age,very talented at West Coast Swing,used to give Group lessons and pick out likely lasses give them home tuition,what a life...Another is a contract gardener in a retirement Village,yet another is a Guy older than me does Handyman calls...The pleasures of Older Women are for the more refined Amsterdam!