No real motivation to meet/date girls anymore

[corrector]

I think I’m a bit unusual here in that I really like women. Not just sexually. But I enjoy talking to them, being around them. Doing things with them. Much more than guys. I regret no encounters with women. Even the ONS & the inevitable break ups. There is always some sort of sexual chemistry & tension going on. That may have something to do with it. Part of my job has me interact with women constantly. Mostly younger (I’m middle aged, so definitely they’re younger) and attractive.
I get a lot of positive vibes from women. Probably fueling some dopamine rush & making me constantly horny.
For example. In the last week I had a client flirt with me. A girl at a bar approach me & s coworker blast me with sexual banter the whole day we worked together.

Okay, what type of job do you do?

 

[corrector]

The hardest form of approaching is unstructured, non-bar approaching, whether it is indoor (general gym floor, grocery store, mall, etc) or outdoor (street, park, walking/hiking path). You need more advanced game to do these approaches. Outdoor non-bar approaching is the absolute most difficult form of approaching you can do.

Bar approaching or nightgame may not be an option. If that is the hardest form of approaching and you need "advance game" then you are basically doomed if you are not into the bar scene if you even want to entertain cold approach.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Okay, what type of job do you do?

In healthcare. I do a variety roles. Clinician patient care, Marketing/PR Education & client services. Plus whatever special projects they assign.

 

[corrector]

In healthcare. I do a variety roles. Clinician patient care, Marketing/PR Education & client services. Plus whatever special projects they assign.

Having a decent job is very important for esteem, exposure to the opposite sex and means to pay the bills.

What type of work do your incel friends do in contrast? Do they have exposure to the opposite sex?

 

[eli77]

I’m a 27 year old guy and as I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed my desire to date has gradually waned. When I was in college I was always really excited about the prospect of trying to hook up with girls, especially since I was a late bloomer when it came to that sort of thing. Now, however, that excitement and enthusiasm is gone. My last relationship ended in the fall of 2019 and since then I have not had sex, but somehow it doesn’t bother me. Over the past two years Ive matched with several different girls on apps who have flat out said they wanted to have sex with me, and even though they were all pretty attractive and I was turned on at the prospect of sleeping with them I never had sex with any of them. Even though they were all keen and clearly wanted some I never met up with any of them, I just let the text conversations die out.

Some have suggested that I could be asexual but I don’t think so. I am without a doubt attracted to women sexually, I still think back upon the various times I’ve been with women and I still see women in public and think they’re attractive, but my desire to pursue women in earnest is gone. These days I’m content with jerking off rather than trying to hook up with a real woman. I’m not really alarmed by this development, just confused as to what has caused it.

I have a few ideas as to why this has happened. Maybe I just grew tired of hooking up with mediocre women from apps, or perhaps it has something to do with my fear of accidental pregnancy, or maybe I’ve just matured emotionally and no longer desire meeting women as much as I did in the past. In addition I’ve never met a woman I’ve felt a true romantic connection with. There has not been a time in my life when I’ve felt a significant “spark” with any woman ive hooked up with, I’ve always felt each time that I’m settling in some way.

In short I dont know how to feel about this or what should be done. Right now I feel oddly content with my lack of female company, but what if in the future I want it and the only women left to date are single mothers or crazy women with baby rabies? Plus when I grow old and unattractive and my hair falls out how would I be able to find anyone good? I may be content now with sitting on the sideline but my worry about regretting this later. I still have vague ideas of finding a life partner but I dont consider it something that will realistically happen. Either way I’m sure some of you on here have dealt with the same thing. How did you navigate these feelings, and what did you do? I’d like to hear your insights on this. What should I do to understand and deal with this?

Every girl that I try to hook up with from junior high to high school even during trade school a divorced or separated stay positive and remember there are tons of guys that wish they were in your shoes

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Having a decent job is very important for esteem, exposure to the opposite sex and means to pay the bills.

What type of work do your incel friends do in contrast? Do they have exposure to the opposite sex?

some do. Some don’t.
My biggest work advantage is I not only have access to coworkers. But to coworkers in other locations. To clients. To an audience of people from other organizations. Not to mention, due to travel. a plethora of baristas, waitresses…. And most of my clients are women. ‘The running joke at work was ‘How many nurses does Hamurabimbi have to screw to get us a new contract?’. However. I’ve had multiple jobs over the years in large & small companies. From Healthcare to Tech to Finance to travel…. Every one of those was a sexual stew. The rules don’t apply to women. Women at work are very sexually aggressive.

 

[corrector]

some do. Some don’t. However. I’ve had multiple jobs over the years in large & small companies. From Healthcare to Tech to Finance to travel…. Every one of those was a sexual stew. The rules don’t apply to women. Women at work are very sexually aggressive.

It seems to me then more or less you are not really running much game but are just flowing with the type of women who are already sexually aggressive. In other words, women are really approaching you. What is people like @SW15 talking about cold approach? If you cold aproach, you are already going in like she is the prize and you have no value relative to her. If she approaches you, then you are the prize.
Therefore, it's better to never cold approach at all because it's a waste of time and she has all of the value when you do this. The OP is far better off having women approach him instead.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

It seems to me then more or less you are not really running much game but are just flowing with the type of women who are already sexually aggressive. In other words, women are really approaching you. What is people like @SW15 talking about cold approach? If you cold aproach, you are already going in like she is the prize and you have no value relative to her. If she approaches you, then you are the prize.
Therefore, it's better to never cold approach at all because it's a waste of time and she has all of the value when you do this. The OP is far better off having women approach him instead.

The ‘Game’ is just ‘don’t screw it up.’.
Foregoing approaches makes one passive & lazy. At the mercy of a woman being horny & finding you attractive. There is no assurance that you’ll be approached when you wsnt to be.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

I am astounded that a 27 year old is asking me how to get started with cold approaching. When I was first coming into the sexual marketplace as a teen in the late 1990s/early 2000s, most men knew how to do a basic approach by ages 18-20. When I first got to college in 2001, I was starting to see signs of slavery to technology, as I was seeing people sending instant messages on AOL Instant Messenger (a pre-cursor to text messaging) and not having as much in-person contact. In my freshman and sophomore years of college (2001-2002 and 2002-2003 school years), dating websites were still stigmatized but the stigma was quickly evaporating. In 2001-2003, the people who were using online dating websites were post-college older people, not college students.

The first thing that I recommend doing before cold approaching is enhancing your looks. Game is some combination of looks, money, status, and personality. Younger women tend to value looks above all, though you could play money and status game as a trust fund recipient. Even as a trust fund recipient, having a good body will take you far. Be active in some sort of exercise activity to lower body fat and build some muscle.

Then, the next thing that I would recommend considering are your own goals for relationship. That also impacts what channels you can use. Wheat Waffles has a great video about which actions you can take based upon your own goals in romantic interactions.

After that, it comes down to thinking about the women you desire, the lifestyles they live, and where the women you desire are most likely to be found in-person. You need to go where the women you desire go in real life.

One of the easier venues for working age adults is fitness classes. The environment of a fitness class roughly resembles either a high school or a college class. Most men do their first approaches as a result of high school or college classes, so there's something in the venue that's familiar. It's an easier approach to approach a woman after a fitness class as compared to a woman at a mall, bookstore, or grocery store. Find a class format that you like and start approaching. There are more women than men in most fitness class formats. Begin interactions with an observational comment or question. The most difficult part of fitness class approaching that women aren't as sociable before/after fitness classes as compared to before/after high school or college classes. There was even a recent SoSuave article about fitness class approaching.

A Gold Mine of Beautiful Girls

20 girls for every one guy. And almost all of them are supermodel beautiful.

www.sosuave.com

In high school and college, extracurricular activities/clubs were a decent way to meet women. As a working age adult, you still have some options that resemble those, but they are more difficult to explore. Co-ed sports leagues are one of the more common ways that people in their 20s/30s try to find romance. I have written about meeting women in co-ed sports leagues many times, so I won't go into it here. There are other activity groups outside of co-ed sports leagues. It depends on your interests. The only warning that I'd give with using social type groups to meet women is to avoid any group that is affiliated with Meetup.com. Meetup.com is a shiit platform. Women like to do what is cool, and Meetup has never had a cool factor. In most general social groups on Meetup, it's a bunch of horny/thirsty losers swarming the 1-2 average looking at best girls who go to the events. Most of the girls who go to events are subpar. Avoid Meetup groups.

After this, you might want to consider pursuing approaches in nightlife venues.

The hardest form of approaching is unstructured, non-bar approaching, whether it is indoor (general gym floor, grocery store, mall, etc) or outdoor (street, park, walking/hiking path). You need more advanced game to do these approaches. Outdoor non-bar approaching is the absolute most difficult form of approaching you can do.

Thanks for going into that much detail in the reply. Yeah I may be 27 and asking such a simple thing, but as I've said my life hasn't loaned itself to me many opportunities to practice approaching irl. I didn't get anywhere with women when I was in high school at the age where I was supposed to have begun to learn that and I've relied on apps to meet women for my entire adult life. I remember when I was 18 and I had just graduated high school and a friend of mine showed me what tinder was for the first time. After that there was no going back.

As for my looks I have the advantage that I've been lifting weights for the better part of five years and I eat a good diet and care about my physical health and appearance. I'm definitely physically stronger and in better physical condition than the average man, and the training I do in the gym is the olympic lifts so even compared to the average gym goer I'm more legit. However I still have some stubborn midsection fat that won't go away. Although for the most part I do look like I lift I haven't been able to get below 20% bodyfat, and this is a bad thing. I eat a good diet and train well but it just won't go away. I've considered getting liposuction or coolsculpting to remedy this, but I'm hesitant due to potential adverse effects and I'm not entirely sure how effective that would be in all actuality. Furthermore I feel vain in potentially having to resort to cosmetic surgery. In terms of my physical appearance and my style of dress I look like I could have been in a band in the 60s/70s. I have long blonde curly hair and a handlebar mustache and when I dress a bit nicer I am fond of wearing bright floral shirts and bell bottom trousers. This is of course a more niche kinda look and not all girls are into that, but I like this look and it's been my style for a very long time.

I'll watch the video in the link and evaluate what it says. I have a kinda vague idea of the sort of woman I'm looking for already. If I picture a woman like that in my head it's a chill, non-basic, easygoing, emotionally stable woman, about 3-6 years younger than me, more intelligent than average, not much of a partier or a drinker, has at least vaguely similar interests/values/musical taste to my own, takes care of her physical health, is attractive but not instagram model tier, doesn't want children, is sexually compatible with me, and hasn't been passed around more times than a beach ball at a nickelback concert. I'm sure women like that exist somewhere but the impression I get is that girls fitting that description spend most of their time chillin at home and thus I never really encounter them. I'm much more of a homebody myself and a lot of my free time is spent at my house smoking weed, reading, or playing music. Even if somehow I encounter such a woman I've described, there's a good chance she'll already have a boyfriend anyway. Usually women that are chill, make good partners, and are faithful to their significant others are already spoken for and those relationships almost always last. If such a woman gets taken off the market she usually won't be back on it for a long time. In any case I want a long term, stable, fulfilling relationship with a woman I truly get along with and I'm really attracted to. That I would say is my goal.

It's interesting you bring up the idea of fitness classes, especially when I've heard others say that it's generally not advisable to try and approach women at the gym. I don't think I'd tried that since at the end of the day I just like to train the olympic lifts, and plus the gym I go to isn't a commercial gym. I would feel weird about approaching women in that setting anyway. For what it's worth there is a woman around my age who goes to the same gym I go to, but I don't think I'd date her. Even if I were interested I wouldn't try that since it's a small gym with a tight knit group of people that all know each other, so I don't want to try and fail and have it all blow up in my face. Then again I feel uncomfortable approaching women in any setting. I don't really feel like coed sports is a viable option for me either.

As for nightlife venues I'm not much of a drinker and I don't like staying out late as much. Even in college 90% of the time when I went to bars was just when my band had a gig there, I rarely went to bars other than a situation like that. I don't think I'd find what I'm looking for in a bar anyway, and women are more guarded in places like that since it's where they're the most likely to get approached. I hardly drink anymore anyway, even on my own time, since alcohol consumption is generally discouraged in my religion. I still drink very rarely, but almost never more than one drink. I don't even know any good bars in the town that I live in, and I don't want to have to drive a half hour to the center of town to go where all the nightlife is.

I've said this before but it doesn't appear that there's any good potential venue for me to meet girls irl. Every single option has huge glaring drawbacks that mean they very likely won't work for me. On top of that I have no experience approaching in public and I'm pretty introverted so trying to approach would just be nerve wracking and uncomfortable. Any woman would be able to sense that and it would turn them off, and the notion of cold approach itself seems to me to be completely against my own introverted, reserved nature. Furthermore I really do believe that most of the women that would be really compatible with me spend most of their free time at home like me.

 

[SW15]

As for my looks I have the advantage that I've been lifting weights for the better part of five years and I eat a good diet and care about my physical health and appearance. I'm definitely physically stronger and in better physical condition than the average man, and the training I do in the gym is the olympic lifts so even compared to the average gym goer I'm more legit. However I still have some stubborn midsection fat that won't go away. Although for the most part I do look like I lift I haven't been able to get below 20% bodyfat, and this is a bad thing. I eat a good diet and train well but it just won't go away. I've considered getting liposuction or coolsculpting to remedy this, but I'm hesitant due to potential adverse effects and I'm not entirely sure how effective that would be in all actuality. Furthermore I feel vain in potentially having to resort to cosmetic surgery. In terms of my physical appearance and my style of dress I look like I could have been in a band in the 60s/70s. I have long blonde curly hair and a handlebar mustache and when I dress a bit nicer I am fond of wearing bright floral shirts and bell bottom trousers. This is of course a more niche kinda look and not all girls are into that, but I like this look and it's been my style for a very long time.

Mustaches are perceived as more creepster than cool.

I'll watch the video in the link and evaluate what it says.

That Wheat Waffles video is more about knowing your own goals and then figuring out what approach venue is best.

It's interesting you bring up the idea of fitness classes, especially when I've heard others say that it's generally not advisable to try and approach women at the gym. I don't think I'd tried that since at the end of the day I just like to train the olympic lifts, and plus the gym I go to isn't a commercial gym. I would feel weird about approaching women in that setting anyway. For what it's worth there is a woman around my age who goes to the same gym I go to, but I don't think I'd date her. Even if I were interested I wouldn't try that since it's a small gym with a tight knit group of people that all know each other, so I don't want to try and fail and have it all blow up in my face. Then again I feel uncomfortable approaching women in any setting. I don't really feel like coed sports is a viable option for me either.

Fitness classes and the general gym floor are 2 different environments. They can be 2 different environments in the same building.

If you like your current gym, you don't have to do approaches there. You can belong to a 2nd fitness facility or use ClassPass and go to multiple places. ClassPass is really good asset to make the occasional appearance at a place, hit on women, and not return to a venue for a bit.

I don't even know any good bars in the town that I live in, and I don't want to have to drive a half hour to the center of town to go where all the nightlife is.

It didn't take me long when I moved to my current city to find the good nightlife venues.

I've said this before but it doesn't appear that there's any good potential venue for me to meet girls irl. Every single option has huge glaring drawbacks that mean they very likely won't work for me. On top of that I have no experience approaching in public and I'm pretty introverted so trying to approach would just be nerve wracking and uncomfortable. Any woman would be able to sense that and it would turn them off, and the notion of cold approach itself seems to me to be completely against my own introverted, reserved nature. Furthermore I really do believe that most of the women that would be really compatible with me spend most of their free time at home like me.

I'm a bit introverted but I need to get my penis wet so I've needed to approach. Besides, the swipe app environment is a total shiit show and I've never had a social circle capable of introductions. Approaching was my best option. Approaching in real life isn't easy. While I may promote in-person approaching, I do also point out that it is not fun at times and has downsides.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Mustaches are perceived as more creepster than cool.

That Wheat Waffles video is more about knowing your own goals and then figuring out what approach venue is best.

Fitness classes and the general gym floor are 2 different environments. They can be 2 different environments in the same building.

If you like your current gym, you don't have to do approaches there. You can belong to a 2nd fitness facility or use ClassPass and go to multiple places. ClassPass is really good asset to make the occasional appearance at a place, hit on women, and not return to a venue for a bit.

It didn't take me long when I moved to my current city to find the good nightlife venues.

I'm a bit introverted but I need to get my penis wet so I've needed to approach. Besides, the swipe app environment is a total shiit show and I've never had a social circle capable of introductions. Approaching was my best option. Approaching in real life isn't easy. While I may promote in-person approaching, I do also point out that it is not fun at times and has downsides.

I know that mustaches are sometimes perceived negatively, but I can grow a good mustache and I like how it looks on me. It's a handlebar mustache with the ends turned up, I'm German so it just grows in that way lol. Without a mustache I look way too boyish, despite how mustaches are occasionally perceived by some I do genuinely look better with one than without. I would have a full beard if I could grow one, but I still can't just yet. I've had some success encouraging beard growth taking a combination of biotin, inositol, and saw palmetto, as well as using a derma roller. Nevertheless I still can't quite grow a full beard though it's coming in a bit more now. My uncle in Germany is able to grow a really good beard in his old age, and my dad is capable of growing one although he prefers not to, so eventually I think I will be able too.

As for joining another gym I'm not willing to spend additional monies in doing so, and commercial gyms don't have good facilities for the kind of training I do. Furthermore I feel weird about the prospect of being a member of another gym with the main purpose of potentially meeting women. Women would be able to sense that's what I would be doing if I'm going to the same gym and chatting the women up like that. This in turn would turn them off or make them suspicious of me.

I myself have no social circle capable of introductions, and I do agree apps are a dumpster fire, but apps are still the best option I have. It's really bad that now I've gotten less and less returns on them, as they're the only way I can even be seen by women at all. The fact that approaching irl is so hard and the learning curve is so steep means that I would never see it thru, I'd get burned out long before I would see any result. Even if I stuck it thru and saw results it would yield no better or frequent results than apps anyway. With how little faith I have in my ability to meet and approach women irl, I'm 100% sure that I would have no success with it even if I was in an environment consisting primarily of single, dateable women. Even if I were a famous rock n roller like I dreamed of being in the past I feel like I would still have these problems

 

[CornbreadFed]

This topic is nearly a month and a half old, has anything changed?

 

[BergischerLöwe]

This topic is nearly a month and a half old, has anything changed?

Apart for some additional insight about my situation not much. I still feel just as screwed and not really sure what to do anymore. I feel stuck in the place I'm in

 

[CornbreadFed]

Apart for some additional insight about my situation not much. I still feel just as screwed and not really sure what to do anymore. I feel stuck in the place I'm in

Where do you feel stuck at now? What do you really want right now? I promise not to judge lol.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Where do you feel stuck at now? What do you really want right now? I promise not to judge lol.

Well like I said apps have given me diminishing returns yet I completely rely on them, and trying irl isn't really all that viable either for the reasons I've already mentioned. That's where I feel stuck, there's not really a good option as to what I should focus on

 

[CornbreadFed]

Well like I said apps have given me diminishing returns yet I completely rely on them, and trying irl isn't really all that viable either for the reasons I've already mentioned. That's where I feel stuck, there's not really a good option as to what I should focus on

Where do you live at?

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Where do you live at?

A suburb of a fairly large city in the midwest

 

[CornbreadFed]

A suburb of a fairly large city in the midwest

move downtown or a popular spot for young people. This won't help much but change your location on the apps and have a good lie. This will at least help you get dates.

 

[SW15]

A suburb of a fairly large city in the midwest

move downtown or a popular spot for young people. This won't help much but change your location on the apps and have a good lie. This will at least help you get dates.

Suburbs stink for the most part. Living in a neighborhood with a high concentration of unmarried people and spending time in those neighborhoods will always be a good seduction move.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

move downtown or a popular spot for young people. This won't help much but change your location on the apps and have a good lie. This will at least help you get dates.

That doesn't fundamentally do anything for the problems I've described