How To Hook-up With An Ex?

[Canadian_Man]

One of my 2-3 year LTRs from my early 20's is recently single (within the past few weeks out of a 3-5 year LTR), and she lives in one of my old cities, a ~2.5 hr drive from where I'm at now.

I will be going to that city two weeks from now, to pick someone up from the airport in the late evening.

I could arrive a day early and stay the night, depending on what plans I've made, but as of now, it will only be a full-day trip.

Planning to arrive in the city by the early afternoon, there are a few things I can do there, and a few people I could see.


The last two times I was in the city her and I had plans, which fell through.

The first time, two months ago, she was still with her ex, and about an hour before our meet up some personal emergency/issue come up and she had to go deal with it. I think it was with her now-ex, though I'm not 100% sure on that.

We only made plans 4-5 hrs in advanced, as I didn't know I was going to be in town that day until last minute.

The second time, about a month ago, a coworker called in sick last minute and she had to cover the shift.

Both times we were going to meet up she was still with her ex, but she seemed excited to see me (would be the first time since we broke up ~7-8 years ago), and she sounded disappointed when it fell through. Granted, actions usually speak louder than words.

There was no counteroffers, which usually isn't a great sign, though could have to do with the fact that I infrequently visit the city (e.g., 3 times in 2 years).

I had a hunch she was on the rocks with her now-ex at the time, but I wasn't sure, and since she was still in a relationship at the time, I would have just aimed to have a good time, catch up, and leave it at that.


We have kept touch over the years, chatting a few times a year online, though we aren't all that close anymore.

About a year after we broke up she expressed some interest in rekindling, but it was too late by then, as we had both moved to different cities far apart.


Normally if I had been cancelled on twice I would drop it, but I'll be in her area anyways that day, and don't have much to lose by trying.

I'm not interested in a relationship with her.
I like her well enough as a person, and she's still very attractive for our age, but we aren't compatible for such a thing though.

Being friends with her is alright, but I'd be down to hook up.

Now that she's recently single again, it's better timing.

As far as I know, hookups aren't really her thing, she tends to get into LTRs and stay in them for a while.
Maybe she wouldn't be interested in a hook up, in which case we have just got a chance to catch up in person. Not a big deal.

Either way, regardless of possibly hooking up, I would like to see her.

She has her own place in the city, so I would guide it back that way if prior escalation during our meet up was going well.

This is me probably over-analyzing, but should I try to set the date/meet-up now (~2 weeks in advanced), or wait until it's a bit closer to the time I'll be in the city?

Would open with a message like "Hey, I'll be back in [X city] on [X] day, want to go get that drink?"

I rather not chit-chat much with her over text leading up to it, I don't generally like texting.


There is a chance that I will be moving back to that city in 1-2 years, after having lived away for 6-7 years.

If that were to happen, it would be nice to be on good terms with her then, for a few reasons.

One being most of my friends from that city have already moved away years ago, aside from her and 2-3 others.

TLDR: I'm wondering the best way and timing to set up a date with an old LTR (broken up 7-8 years ago)? It would be for two weeks from now when I'll be visiting her city for a day. She's recently single (< 1 month), out of a multi-year LTR. My intention would be to hook up the same day if possible (she has her own place there), but if we just reconnect and possibly lay the ground work for the future, that's alright too. Not interested in getting back into an LTR with her again.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Ex girlfriends are super easy to bang. I’ve banged all but one of my exes since breaking. Call her up now to “catch up” for 15 minutes. Keep it casual, let her know when you will be there and that you’d like to catch up and plan a date. Keep the logistics tight for sex to happen.

Exes are almost always open to banging again, because it’s not a new body on her body count.

 

[Canadian_Man]

Ex girlfriends are super easy to bang. I’ve banged all but one of my exes since breaking. Call her up now to “catch up” for 15 minutes. Keep it casual, let her know when you will be there and that you’d like to catch up and plan a date. Keep the logistics tight for sex to happen.

Exes are almost always open to banging again, because it’s not a new body on her body count.

Thank you for the insight, EBR.

I thought it would be easier as well, though I haven't actually hooked up with any ex before.
Usually the timing wasn't good - they were in relationships when I'd be able to see them.

Perhaps I'll reach out to another friend in the city first, see if it's worth my time staying an extra day in the city.

If I were to stay the day before, that would make logistics quite a bit easier for sex.

Won't schedule that extra day just to see her, and possibly hook up, though.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Perhaps I'll reach out to another friend in the city first, see if it's worth my time staying an extra day in the city.

If I were to stay the day before, that would make logistics quite a bit easier for sex.

Won't schedule that extra day just to see her, and possibly hook up, though.

This is the right approach. Also, you can hit the apps and check the party scene. Make the trip have value independent of the outcome with her. It always seems to work better that way.

 

[Canadian_Man]

This is the right approach. Make the trip have value independent of the outcome with her. It always seems to work better that way.

Exactly what I was thinking.

It's what I did last month as well, when she cancelled I had other plans to fall back on for that day.

Also, you can hit the apps and check the party scene.

Possibly could make this work, when I had Tindr gold most of the women who swiped 'yes' on me were from that city.

Never acted on it, because well it's 2.5 hrs drive away & I don't know them, or they are at best friends of friends.

(This is a rural area)

 

[RazorRambo24]

Really not gonna read this b.s - because if you have to ask, you're probably dreaming/hoping for it.

I am still cool with some of my ex's. and yes we'll talk once in a while but we avoid meeting in person because for sure we'd hook up.. and the 2 of my ex's i still talk to are both in relationships currently. (hasnt' stopped em in the past but it is what it is)

 

[Canadian_Man]

Really not gonna read this b.s - because if you have to ask, you're probably dreaming/hoping for it.

I ask because: I lack experience in such things, would like to learn, am seeking advice to that effect, and I want to hook up with her.

I said in the OP that I wanted it:

Being friends with her is alright, but I'd be down to hook up.

... Either way, regardless of possibly hooking up, I would like to see her.

... My intention would be to hook up the same day if possible ... but if we just reconnect and possibly lay the ground work for the future, that's alright too. Not interested in getting back into an LTR with her again.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

If they see you as highly desirable they're super easy to hook up with again.

My ex is currently an FB of nine.

 

[RazorRambo24]

I ask because: I lack experience in such things, would like to learn, am seeking advice to that effect, and I want to hook up with her.

I said in the OP that I wanted it:

My bad I was just kinda worn out and low on carbs. I shoulda actually gave some input..

I would just try to reconnect. You don't know what they got going on, but that shouldn't be of your concern. You got good rapport with them in the past. Sure, its been a very long time but judging what you said, you still have a good chance. It's just a matter of trying to connect again and creating some form of excitement. Focus more on showing her a good time and then the se.x will just be the cherry on top. I would try to keep it civil until it hits night time and you can drink, thats when you can start being more playful/touchy feely. I mean you guys already have chemistry from the past, itll def reignite if the mood is right.

and yes whether you set up 2 weeks in advance or impromptu few nights before doesn't matter too much.. but I would do the 2 weeks so you can set it and not think too much and jus think /plan of things yo might want to do when you're out there

 

[Canadian_Man]

My bad I was just kinda worn out and low on carbs. I shoulda actually gave some input..

I would just try to reconnect. You don't know what they got going on, but that shouldn't be of your concern. You got good rapport with them in the past. Sure, its been a very long time but judging what you said, you still have a good chance. It's just a matter of trying to connect again and creating some form of excitement. Focus more on showing her a good time and then the se.x will just be the cherry on top. I would try to keep it civil until it hits night time and you can drink, thats when you can start being more playful/touchy feely. I mean you guys already have chemistry from the past, itll def reignite if the mood is right.

and yes whether you set up 2 weeks in advance or impromptu few nights before doesn't matter too much.. but I would do the 2 weeks so you can set it and not think too much and jus think /plan of things yo might want to do when you're out there

No worries, and thank you for the suggestions RR.

Her and I both like hikes, and there are several short hikes/walking trails around the city.

A few she probably has never been to, because they are kind of hidden ... my old very-outdoorsy roommate and I went out to a few together after my ex and I had broken up.

Might go with that if weather permits & if she's free in the afternoon.

 

[Canadian_Man]

So, I went ahead and FB messaged her last week.

She said she'd be down for (this coming) Thursday.

I replied, with a message to set a specific time of day (mid-afternoon), which she never opened nor replied to.

Been nearly a week now, and Thursday is just a few days away.

She probably couldn't read that I was trying to set a time in the message preview, even so, I don't find it a great sign that my message went unread.

This is also a first time that I can remember that she hasn't replied to one of my messages, in about a decade of knowing her.

I would like to have confirmation on the plans, so I'm a bit torn here.

Leaning towards double texting Tuesday/Wednesday to confirm, to respect my own time (and make alternate plans if need be), though, double messaging isn't a great thing to do.

Any suggestions?

(Also, noticed that RR got banned?)

 

[soulforge]

So, I went ahead and FB messaged her last week.

She said she'd be down for (this coming) Thursday.

I replied, with a message to set a specific time of day (mid-afternoon), which she never opened nor replied to.

Been nearly a week now, and Thursday is just a few days away.

She probably couldn't read that I was trying to set a time in the message preview, even so, I don't find it a great sign that my message went unread.

This is also a first time that I can remember that she hasn't replied to one of my messages, in about a decade of knowing her.

I would like to have confirmation on the plans, but also have a hunch that I shouldn't double message for this.

Not sure what to do here ... make backup plans for Thursday for in case she flakes?

(Also, noticed that RR got banned?)

Bro it doesn't take much effort to read a message. Chicks are glued to there phones.

It's likely she is intentionally not responding to you.

 

[Canadian_Man]

Bro it doesn't take much effort to read a message. Chicks are glued to there phones.

It's likely she is intentionally not responding to you.

Thanks, and yeah, that's probably true.

I just find it a bit weird.

Why agree to plans only to go on to immediately ignore me afterwards?

We've known each other for a decade, it's not like we're strangers / new to each other

There's a chance that she thought the message didn't contain anything of importance in it (the preview could have been misleading), but I don't think it's a great idea to "hope" that's the case + make plans based on that assumption.

 

[soulforge]

That's true, I just find it a bit weird.

Why agree to plans only to go on to immediately ignore me afterwards?

We've known each other for a decade, it's not like we're strangers / new to each other

There's a chance that she thought the message didn't contain anything of importance in it (the preview could have been misleading), but I don't think it's a great idea to "hope" that's the case + make plans based on that assumption.

To be honest man sounds like your rationalising. If she was really excited to meet you, she would be reading that message ASAP.

Let me ask you something, did you end the relationship or did she end it?

Sometimes girls will do this as a power trip just boost there ego.

 

[Canadian_Man]

If she was really excited to meet you, she would be reading that message ASAP.

Good point, she was a lot quicker to read + reply a month or two ago.

Let me ask you something, did you end the relationship or did she end it?

She did.

Though I should have, and had thought about doing so a few months before it ended. Had a gut intuition of sorts to do so ... that I ignored

Was younger and much less mature at the time, tried to fix a failing relationship.
In hindsight, I was very clueless back then, had no real idea why it was going downhill.

By the time it ended, it was over for me as well, I didn't feel the need to "get her back" for a relationship, nor did I attempt it.

Sometimes girls will do this as a power trip just boost there ego.

That doesn't really sound like her.

Of course she has her flaws, but I would think she would have different reasoning if she were in fact intentionally ignoring me.

Maybe in this case my judgement is clouded, because this seems out of character for her, but if it were someone I didn't know that well I'd probably see it differently.

Overall takeaway point, regardless of why she's not responding, the signs are that more likely than not the plans for Thursday aren't going to be kept, and I should start making new plans without her.

That's what I was leaning towards before the update, thank you SF for helping me arrive more firmly to that conclusion.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I’ve kept in contact with many of my ex-s. I’d like to keep them as friends. But. as you can see. Girls aren’t interested in just being friends: If an ex/ is still around it’s because she misses your D

 

[Canadian_Man]

I preemptively cancelled the date/meet-up, due to the high chance of a flake, and wanting to respect my own time/peace-of-mind.

Did that a day beforehand, and a week after her leaving me unread/unreplied-to.

Left it open to see her another day, though I didn't suggest it.

She replied within an hour, "Oh okay, all good!", she made no counter-offer.

So, it seems something changed for her, or she was just leading me on from the beginning.

Find it a bit odd that she was more open/friendly/enthusiastic about seeing me while she had a bf, and now that she's single, the interest is gone.
There are probably a few obvious reasons why that would happen, though I'll likely never know the truth of it and will move on.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I preemptively cancelled the date/meet-up, due to the high chance of a flake, and wanting to respect my own time/peace-of-mind.

Did that a day beforehand, and a week after her leaving me unread/unreplied-to.

Left it open to see her another day, though I didn't suggest it.

She replied within an hour, "Oh okay, all good!", she made no counter-offer.

So, it seems something changed for her, or she was just leading me on from the beginning.

Find it a bit odd that she was more open/friendly/enthusiastic about seeing me while she had a bf, and now that she's single, the interest is gone.
There are probably a few obvious reasons why that would happen, though I'll likely never know the truth of it and will move on.

I think you may want to sit with the other side of this coin, which is that her rejection of the date seems to be bothering you. It took a lot of time out of your life, the waiting on response games started to begin…

I only bring this up because there is a line between having a casual hookup with a friendly face and setting back progress you’ve made personally. No judgement and good luck.

 

[Canadian_Man]

Thanks Dw3.

Admittedly it effected me more than I expected.

I think the dynamic of it probably played a part of that ... a straight up "no" or excuse to cancel would have been preferable to limbo-land.

But hey, I'll move on & learn from it, + not try again with her.

I put myself in this position, most or all of it is on me for tolerating it / ignoring the signs

 

[Divorced w 3]

Thanks Dw3.

Admittedly it effected me more than I expected.

I think the dynamic of it probably played a part of that ... a straight up "no" or excuse to cancel would have been preferable to limbo-land.

But hey, I'll move on & learn from it, + not try again with her.

I put myself in this position, most or all of it is on me for tolerating it / ignoring the signs

Go easy on yourself while you work through it.