Girl I'm Seeing Got Aggressive With Me

[soulforge]

Long story short.. She is trying to control the frame on when we see eachother and where we meet.

For example it's the bank holiday here in the UK, we was meant to spend the entire weekend together, however last night she tells me that she needs to come home early on Sunday as she wants to spend a few hours with her mother on Sunday.

This kinda screwed up my plans for the weekend, so I suggested how about you come back to see your mother for a few hours and then get the train back over to my house for the rest of weekend.

She starts complaining about she doesn't want to travel back and forth and I need to come and stop at her house instead.

The travel time is literally 15 minutes so it isn't even a big deal.

This is actually the 3rd weekend in a row that she has tried to change our weekend plans, so I told her that on this occasion I will come back to your house, however I am not willing to keep changing plans for you every weekend.

We need to try stick to plans and besides I already spend 2 nights a week at her house already.

She began getting argumentative and somewhat aggressive, talking over me, then she told me to SHUT THE FVK UP

This really pizzed me off and I told her that you can't talk to me in that way... In-fact I will go home as your being aggressive and talking to me in a way I don't like.

It was very late and I was at her house, getting home that late was a problem, so I told her I will leave in the morning.

This morning while she slept I left her house and came to work. She didn't notice me leaving.

However when she woke up she began blowing up my phone.

I couldn't answer because I was already in work.

After calling me 3x she sent me this text.

" I think it's time to end things, no point in going on if you can't talk. I still want to go on the holiday we booked, when we get there, I can do my own thing and you can do your own thing"

First of all I am pretty sure she ended it out of frustration and impulse.

Also now that she pulled the ending it card, I can't see how I can possibly work things out with her again.

We have a 10 day holiday abroad in 10 days time and I don't think I want to go with her under these conditions.

She is under the impression that we can go on this holiday even after breaking up.


I think I will let her know that considering she called it quits, I no longer want to go on the holiday and will send her the money back that she paid into

 

[Baji]

I just got out of a similar situation with someone. There's no going back once the 'let's break up' card has been pulled, especially if it's under pressure. Its shows without a doubt that she doesn't see the relationship as something worth fighting for, especially in times of trouble (when she's actually supposed to do the fighting) and you DO NOT want someone like that in your corner, someone that will cut you loose once things get hard (and the gall she has for still considering the holiday despite calling it quits shows how shallow she really is and what the relationship really means to her). I think you're a pretty decent dude seeing as you were respectful despite her aggression. So cancel the trip and control your frame, don't take her back even if she apologises. You'll find many other better people

 

[soulforge]

I just got out of a similar situation with someone. There's no going back once the 'let's break up' card has been pulled, especially if it's under pressure. Its shows without a doubt that she doesn't see the relationship as something worth fighting for, especially in times of trouble (when she's actually supposed to do the fighting) and you DO NOT want someone like that in your corner, someone that will cut you loose once things get hard (and the gall she has for still considering the holiday despite calling it quits shows how shallow she really is and what the relationship really means to her). I think you're a pretty decent dude seeing as you were respectful despite her aggression. So cancel the trip and control your frame, don't take her back even if she apologises. You'll find many other better people

I agree with what you are saying.

She didn't explicitly state that it is over between us.

This is what she said... Which does kind of boil down to breaking up.

"You know what, I think it's time to end things between us. If you can't even talk then there is no point" I still want to go on the holiday we can do our own thing over there"

I think the holiday is her way of still trying to keep me on the hook.

It wasn't a matter of me not wanting to talk to her... It was the fact that she became argumentative and re-sorted to telling me to shut the fuk up.

I absolutely did not like that.. If I allow her to talk to me in that manner, things will only go from bad to worse.

I left in the morning because I just wanted to go home and I didn't want to wake her up.

Also I was angry about the whole situation.

Now that the "Ending" it card has been pulled by her, I don't see how I can get back with her or resolve this.

I definitely don't want to holiday with someone I am no longer in a relationship with.

By the way when she stated about ending it, I simply agreed with her.. I didn't try to argue against it.

I simply said, yeh I think it's time too.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

I think I will let her know that considering she called it quits, I no longer want to go on the holiday and will send her the money back that she paid into

This but stronger. "I agree, time to end it. I'll send you your money and you can take a different trip." However in an airline ticket is in her name and she has a copy, not sure how you can stop her from going so maybe change your itinerary instead.

 

[soulforge]

This but stronger. "I agree, time to end it. I'll send you your money and you can take a different trip." However in an airline ticket is in her name and she has a copy, not sure how you can stop her from going so maybe change your itinerary instead.

Do you think her message was pretty much ending it?

Well I can simply click on cancel as the holiday is under my account. This will cancel the entire holiday and I will get a partial refund.

I just don't see how under these circumstances I can get back with her or go on holiday with her

 

[Millard Fillmore]

Do you think her message was pretty much ending it?

Well I can simply click on cancel as the holiday is under my account. This will cancel the entire holiday and I will get a partial refund.

I just don't see how under these circumstances I can get back with her or go on holiday with her

IME whenever a girl says this it's a big red flag of things to come and worth hitting eject. You could agree, dump, and let her come back as a pure fukk toy but I would NOT go on a trip with her, that's my take. Whether she ended it or not, just walk. At best she's leveraging the whole relationship to get what she wants. Plenty of young sweet girls out there bro. Go to London and find one fresh off the boat from the third world, haha.

 

[soulforge]

IME whenever a girl says this it's a big red flag of things to come and worth hitting eject. You could agree, dump, and let her come back as a pure fukk toy but I would NOT go on a trip with her, that's my take. Whether she ended it or not, just walk. At best she's leveraging the whole relationship to get what she wants. Plenty of young sweet girls out there bro. Go to London and find one fresh off the boat from the third world, haha.

Yeh I mean she was quick to start bringing up the BEST we end it conversation.

Not only that, telling me to shut the fuk up.

Two major issues here.

She absolutely does not acknowledge any wrong doing by becoming verbally abusive.

And this ending it conversation can pop up time and time again in the future.

I can't see how I could trust this chick again.

Best cut the losses now and move the F on.

She should have thought things through before ending things

 

[soulforge]

IME whenever a girl says this it's a big red flag of things to come and worth hitting eject. You could agree, dump, and let her come back as a pure fukk toy but I would NOT go on a trip with her, that's my take. Whether she ended it or not, just walk. At best she's leveraging the whole relationship to get what she wants. Plenty of young sweet girls out there bro. Go to London and find one fresh off the boat from the third world, haha.

Also I already agree with her about ending it. I ain't going to fight her on that BS.

 

[soulforge]

What is odd is, how she stated it's time to end things. And in the same breath wants to still go on holiday with me and suggested we do our own thing over there. Makes no fukin sense!

My feeling is she can still keep me on the hook this way

 

[AureliusMaximus]

I think I will let her know that considering she called it quits, I no longer want to go on the holiday and will send her the money back that she paid into

Invite one of your best pals instead. (I mean you already paid for it, right?)
You´ll have way much more fun and no drama and just pull some chicks with your bruv's instead.

 

[Foe]

She starts complaining about she doesn't want to travel back and forth and I need to come and stop at her house instead.

She started breaking up with you before this, hence the ****test to see if you would come to her. You should have brushed her off, done your own thing and enjoyed life without her. As soon as she sees you are dependant on her for entertainment (or really anything) its done.

At least for crappy base chicks that play games like this, which I have a masters in. Agree kick her off the holiday and invite a mate, you will have much more fun. Theres a really good video from LFA, I with I could remember it but he said if a chick starts getting flakey or brushing you off, keep doing what you are doing your on the right track. He kinda suggested the less time you have to spend with them the better for you so enjoy it.

 

[soulforge]

She started breaking up with you before this, hence the ****test to see if you would come to her. You should have brushed her off, done your own thing and enjoyed life without her. As soon as she sees you are dependant on her for entertainment (or really anything) its done.

At least for crappy base chicks that play games like this, which I have a masters in. Agree kick her off the holiday and invite a mate, you will have much more fun. Theres a really good video from LFA, I with I could remember it but he said if a chick starts getting flakey or brushing you off, keep doing what you are doing your on the right track. He kinda suggested the less time you have to spend with them the better for you so enjoy it.

I don't think my issue with her was that she wanted to change plans and spend time with her mum.

I noticed over the last month or so, that she setting the frame and trying to change our meeting up routine to what suites her best.

Like she always comes stops at my house Friday/Saturday/Sunday

Now she trying to reframe that I come to her house in the weekend. Which is okay?

But the discussion did not have to be aggressive with her telling me to shut the **** up... This conversation could have happened without the need of aggression and disrespect.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I don't think my issue with her was that she wanted to change plans and spend time with her mum.

I noticed over the last month or so, that she setting the frame and trying to change our meeting up routine to what suites her best.

Like she always comes stops at my house Friday/Saturday/Sunday

Now she trying to reframe that I come to her house in the weekend. Which is okay?

But the discussion did not have to be aggressive with her telling me to shut the **** up... This conversation could have happened without the need of aggression and disrespect.

This is the stuff that happens when a woman is trying to make you dump them.

 

[soulforge]

This is the stuff that happens when a woman is trying to make you dump them.

I know what you saying, but I very much doubt this is the case. This chick has been desperate to go on holiday with me.

She been making regular payments for the holiday, girls who are looking to bail out ain't making that type of commitment.

 

[TheProspect]

BOTH of you are at fault and are responsible for the current situation, but you can only take responsibility for your part.

Your girlfriend is at fault because she's a woman who changes her mind like the wind changes direction and says emotional things when she's upset. Cool, so does every other woman ever...

Onto you,

You're also at fault because you emotionally invest in your own decisions and plans, and are quick to reactively argue when things don't go your way. You are outcome dependent and that is why you overreact when a woman becomes fickle. Because you invest your emotions too quickly, you also take her emotional language literally and spin your own hamster logically trying to analyze it.

Additionally, you seem to be obsessed with frame, which is a concept I think you personally tend to overthink and often read too much into...
Frame doesn't mean you become rigid and inflexible, receiving unconditional compliance. It's contextual. In some cases, you can still hold frame while compromising and meeting in the middle with your girlfriend. Hell, you can even go with a girl's suggestion or agree with her opinion and STILL hold frame. You automatically lose frame when you emotionally overreact and argue with a chick.

In your situation, asserting a boundary and then rationalizing spending the night before slipping out in the morning without saying goodbye in the morning hurts your frame even more, because you're pulling some female passive aggressive sh!t.

She's not some random broad, she's your girlfriend. Her opinion and input should have a little more consideration and value to you (That does not mean you cave and concede to her every suggestion). And if her input isn't worth anything to you, then why are you in a relationship with her?

I am by no means taking this chick's side, I doubt she is flawless... because no offence @soulforge, you seem to usually date women with a lot of glaring red flags, and then get into a relationship with them. Surely you notice that?

 

[CornbreadFed]

" I think it's time to end things, no point in going on if you can't talk. I still want to go on the holiday we booked, when we get there, I can do my own thing and you can do your own thing"

lol a female broke up with you before a holiday and you still wasted a post on her. Fvck this girl, and never waste another breath or syllable on her ever again. She clearly sees you on the same level as dog shvt. You must have really turned her off because most women would at least wait til after the vacation.

Based on the feedback from other posters, it sounds like you have a lot of self-work to do going forward. Last, do not be shocked if you find out this girl was cheating on you either because her respect for you is extremely low.

 

[soulforge]

lol a female broke up with you before a holiday and you still wasted a post on her. Fvck this girl, and never waste another breath or syllable on her ever again. She clearly sees you on the same level as dog shvt. You must have really turned her off because most women would at least wait til after the vacation.

Based on the feedback from other posters, it sounds like you have a lot of self-work to do going forward. Last, do not be shocked if you find out this girl was cheating on you either because her respect for you is extremely low.

She hasn't exactly broke up.. I walked out on her for being disrespectful.

Out of anger she stated, "best we end it if we can't even talk"

However she still wants to go on vacation with me, which tells me, that she knows she Fvked up by suggesting ending things, and by still keeping me on the hook as in going on vacation with her, she might be able to get back together with me.

Trust me, if a girl wants to get rid of you, she does not plan and invest money in a vacation just to break it off.. I have seen her spend hundreds of £££ for this vacation.

My feeling is, she suggested ending things out of anger.

All that being said, I don't see why I should entertain her any longer, once a chick uses the breaking up card, it's nothing but trouble and insecurity in a relationship after that.

I think I will simply text her this.

"Like you said, best to end things, which I agree with. I won't be going on vacation as will be cancelling the holiday, will transfer your money to you, when I receive the refund"

 

[CornbreadFed]

She hasn't exactly broke up.. I walked out on her for being disrespectful.

You are never going to get this firm closure from her. News flash, breaking up with someone sucks and most people do not have the balls to do it. As a result, they will do things like your ex is doing right now to get you to break up with them instead. If you never take the hint then they will escalate it in to cheating and etc until they literally have no choice but to dump you straight up. She is giving you clear signs that she has checked out of this relationship and she definitely feels like she is the one wearing the pants in it too.

 

[soulforge]

BOTH of you are at fault and are responsible for the current situation, but you can only take responsibility for your part.

Your girlfriend is at fault because she's a woman who changes her mind like the wind changes direction and says emotional things when she's upset. Cool, so does every other woman ever...

Onto you,

You're also at fault because you emotionally invest in your own decisions and plans, and are quick to reactively argue when things don't go your way. You are outcome dependent and that is why you overreact when a woman becomes fickle. Because you invest your emotions too quickly, you also take her emotional language literally and spin your own hamster logically trying to analyze it.

Additionally, you seem to be obsessed with frame, which is a concept I think you personally tend to overthink and often read too much into...
Frame doesn't mean you become rigid and inflexible, receiving unconditional compliance. It's contextual. In some cases, you can still hold frame while compromising and meeting in the middle with your girlfriend. Hell, you can even go with a girl's suggestion or agree with her opinion and STILL hold frame. You automatically lose frame when you emotionally overreact and argue with a chick.

In your situation, asserting a boundary and then rationalizing spending the night before slipping out in the morning without saying goodbye in the morning hurts your frame even more, because you're pulling some female passive aggressive sh!t.

She's not some random broad, she's your girlfriend. Her opinion and input should have a little more consideration and value to you (That does not mean you cave and concede to her every suggestion). And if her input isn't worth anything to you, then why are you in a relationship with her?

I am by no means taking this chick's side, I doubt she is flawless... because no offence @soulforge, you seem to usually date women with a lot of glaring red flags, and then get into a relationship with them. Surely you notice that?

Bruv I actually agreed with her plan.. I clearly stated that it is fine, if she wants to come back home on Sunday, however it would be best to spend the rest of the weekend at my house, simply because we have alot more to do in my city. Her town is literally a ghost town.

I then get the excuses about traveling etc, Which is nonsense as it's a 15 minutes trip on the train.

Here is the thing.. recently we have been spending more and more time at her house instead of mine. Which is ok, but it's difficult at her house as lots of family there and nothing to do.

All I said to her was this. I don't mind stopping at your house. We stop at your house every Sunday and Tuesday. So nothing wrong with us staying at my house on Friday and Saturday.

She then began setting terms, like well every 3 weeks we should stop at mine for the weekend.

I simply said, we don't need to set terms in stone.. let's just see how things go. We can stop at my house and time to time at your house. It doesn't need to be a rigid 3 weeks.

She then began raising her voice and told me to shut the fvk up.

I said hey I know we had a disagreement however you can't talk to me like that, there is no need to become abusive.

She then began defending her actions, so I told her, hey it's fine I am going to leave.

Turns out it was too late to leave, as no public transport.

I then told her, it's fine but I will be leaving in the morning. I did tell her that I would be leaving. And that is what I did.

I don't mind communication, or even a disagreement, however raising your voice and outright telling me to shut the fvk up isn't something I can tolerate.

 

[soulforge]

You are never going to get this firm closure from her. News flash, breaking up with someone sucks and most people do not have the balls to do it. As a result, they will do things like your ex is doing right now to get you to break up with them instead. If you never take the hint then they will escalate it in to cheating and etc until they literally have no choice but to dump you straight up. She is giving you clear signs that she has checked out of this relationship and she definitely feels like she is the one wearing the pants in it too.

I doubt this. Why is she paying into this holiday and still is desperate to go with me, if she has checked out.

She should have been trying her best to avoid any type of commitment like a holiday with me, and thanking her stars that she no longer needs to go with me