Girlfriend hides relationship

[xplt]

I'm in need for some advice, before I screw a potentially good relationship.

I'm dating my current girlfriend for six months now.

Everything is great so far. We share the same values, she's from a conservative family, hard working, no OLD, no attention seeking on social media, great housewife, nurturing and caring, loving, higher sexdrive than me.
And the best of all, supportive in every way, emotianally controlled and very thoughtful. Our relationship is the smoothest I ever had. I even asked myself in the beginning, if i miss some drama...

It works so well between us, that I gave in on exclusivity. She is the only one in over three years who was worth this step.

She's somewhat shy and closed off. Only tells, what's needed. But for me she opens up and tells me, what's on her mind and what's bugging her.
I began to really like that. She doesn't need to discuss everything with her social circle and keeps things private.

But there's on issue and that's her critical family and the fact she hides me and our relationship from them and her close friends.

She told me several times, she feels guilty about it, but I didn't care about. Tbh, I'm somewhat lucky to not be involved in her family right now, but I don't get the point of being exclusive, when I am hidden from her life.
Till now I shrugged it off and didn't bother.

Now her competitive little sister rubs her new boyfriend under my girls nose and talks about relationships in the family getting more and more, as she tells me. And I'm still hidden.

Right now I don't know, if it's good or bad that she openly tells me about the situation.
I'm not impatient, nor do I want to push her to behave in a certain way. But my pride starts tingling and I know, I can reach a point, where I just check out and then there's no going back.
I get the impression, I'm not good enough or she's still on the lookout.

I've never been in a situation like this. All exes and affairs wanted to show me around faster than I was comfortable with.

Few days ago I nearly said "Sometime you will find someone, you want to bring home." But swallowed it.

Thanks for your time guys, I appreciate your insight.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

It's a good thing you held your tongue. That would have come across as you not seeing yourself as high-value, salty, and emotionally immature.

I guess first things first, how are each of you again?

Is there a specific reason why she feels guilty? You mentioned her family being conservative. Do you mean like Amish or something? Depending on how old you guys are, as long as you are steady and committed, even a conservative family would approve. Now if you are both 14 and they are like Amish then I can see why that would rub the wrong way.

Ultimately, it is about commitment and respect. You should require (and deserve) that from her. This brings me to my last two questions:

How committed (long-term) are you to her?
And how important is being involved in her family and social circles to you?

If you are serious about her and that is something you would value then demand it. If she doesn't give you that which ultimately is peace (of mind) *and something that every woman should give men* then I don't see how much value and respect she places on you and the relationship.


Modern Man Advice

 

[devilkingx2]

My thoughts before fully reading the post:

I've been there before and these are my findings, the main reasons a girl would hide you are-

1. *You* have a girlfriend but *She* is single. Or her boyfriend isn't you.

2. She thinks she's dating an ugly loser that would embarrass her if her friends and family caught wind.

However, there are other far less common and more niche reasons that exist. The above 2 are only 90% of the time. Examples

3. Her family is racist/otherwise crazy

4. Her friends are hoes that are either going to fvck you or sabotage the relationship on purpose.

5. She has some big lie that she's trying to keep secret from either you or them. (She told them you're a millionaire, or she doesn't actually have any friends, things like that.)

Etc.

 

[derby1]

her family have met another boyfriend. women are no good sneaky liars, you should know this

 

[member160761]

5. She has some big lie that she's trying to keep secret from either you or them.

I bet my money on this one. I go in with 15 pesos. Who else?

 

[xplt]

Thanks for your answer.

I answered your questions in the quote.

I guess first things first, how are each of you again?
I'm 35, she's 29

Is there a specific reason why she feels guilty? You mentioned her family being conservative. Do you mean like Amish or something? Depending on how old you guys are, as long as you are steady and committed, even a conservative family would approve. Now if you are both 14 and they are like Amish then I can see why that would rub the wrong way.
She just told me, she feels guilty in regards of keeping the relationship a secret.
They are just oldfashioned in regards of their values and political views. Normal western european cultural background. The Family is very close.

Ultimately, it is about commitment and respect. You should require (and deserve) that from her. This brings me to my last two questions:

How committed (long-term) are you to her?
I was willing to give it a try. Haven't stepped on the side, even rejected every other women in the last months.
Now I began to question the relationship.

And how important is being involved in her family and social circles to you?
Right now not important at all. I have my own busy social life, job and career is taking lots of time from me right now, so I'm somewhat glad to not have this responsibility right now. But it just starts triggering my ego, which is bad.

 

[xplt]

Thanks, I answered in the quote box.

My thoughts before fully reading the post:

I've been there before and these are my findings, the main reasons a girl would hide you are-

1. *You* have a girlfriend but *She* is single. Or her boyfriend isn't you.
Feels like it.

2. She thinks she's dating an ugly loser that would embarrass her if her friends and family caught wind.
I get somewhat the impression, that I'm not representable in some way, but that would be quite contrary to the rest of her behavior around me.

However, there are other far less common and more niche reasons that exist. The above 2 are only 90% of the time. Examples

3. Her family is racist/otherwise crazy
Probably crazy... you'll see why in another post.

4. Her friends are hoes that are either going to fvck you or sabotage the relationship on purpose.
Her sister is heavily copeting with her and seems to sabotage her.

5. She has some big lie that she's trying to keep secret from either you or them. (She told them you're a millionaire, or she doesn't actually have any friends, things like that.)

Etc.

 

[xplt]

her family have met another boyfriend. women are no good sneaky liars, you should know this

She hasn't dated someone since last summer. At least that's what she told me.
She handles her phone openly in front of me, never saw another guy popping up there.

 

[xplt]

I woke up to a long text this morning. She had trouble with her sister and vented a bit.

As I stated her sister is competing heavily with her. Seems like the sister is a real nutjob.

Now I know, her sister made background checks on an ex of her and asked around behind her back if the guy is worthy.

The mother seems to be not a bit better and critizises her weight and appearance. Completely unjustified.

You can't make this up. Perhaps I should be glad to not get involved in this family.
I don't think I want to get involved in a toxic family like this.

 

[pipeman84]

Hey OP, what was her answer when you asked why isn't she introducing you to her family?
The term 'conservative' which should imply something positive has been thrown around so much that it has become meaningless. Heck, there are enough pornstars who come from a supposedly conservative background.
The fact that she's sneaky about you and her family/friends should ring alarms bells.....most likely she's hiding things from you....either she's involved with some other guys or has a sordid past.

She hasn't dated someone since last summer. At least that's what she told me.
She handles her phone openly in front of me, never saw another guy popping up there.

She has no credibility whatsoever...right now she's lying to her family about you...and you're trusting her story abut her sexual past?

 

[xplt]

Hey OP, what was her answer when you asked why isn't she introducing you to her family?
The term 'conservative' which should imply something positive has been thrown around so much that it has become meaningless. Heck, there are enough pornstars who come from a supposedly conservative background.
The fact that she's sneaky about you and her family/friends should ring alarms bells.....most likely she's hiding things from you....either she's involved with some other guys or has a sordid past.


She has no credibility whatsoever...right now she's lying to her family about you...and you're trusting her story abut her sexual past?

I haven't asked, why she's doing it, yet. I just thought this wouldn't be a good idea. I can just assume, based on her stories about her family.
I get your point. And yes, my alarm bells are ringing and I lose trust in her gradually.

She trusts me. Lets me alone in her apartment, hands me openly her phone, when mine is out of reach... I'm so sick of analyzing right now

 

[Plinco]

First of all, you should ask her point blank. You're not in middle school dude.

Perhaps her family is putting pressure on her to perform as far as getting a quality boyfriend, and she doesn't think you're the guy. It also sounds like you are more emotionally invested in her than the other way around, which means she is wearing the pants in this relationship, believe it or not.

 

[xplt]

First of all, you should ask her point blank. You're not in middle school dude.

Perhaps her family is putting pressure on her to perform as far as getting a quality boyfriend, and she doesn't think you're the guy. It also sounds like you are more emotionally invested in her than the other way around, which means she is wearing the pants in this relationship, believe it or not.

You just described, what's on my mind the last two days. I notice, this situation causes a powershift right now.
I just don't want to pressure her into something, so I kept quiet.

 

[Plinco]

You just described, what's on my mind the last two days. I notice, this situation causes a powershift right now.
I just don't want to pressure her into something, so I kept quiet.

That's the thought process of a woman

 

[xplt]

That's the thought process of a woman

Can you explain why?

She already needed more time to open up, than I've ever experienced before. I just don't want to risk, that she shuts down completely, only because I got insecure about this situation without knowing whats really going on.

 

[RangerMIke]

A couple of things:

(1) If this bothers you then you need to walk away. She is just doing what she is doing and you can not control this. What she does on social media isn't who she is... IT IS WHAT SHE WANTS THE WORLD TO THINK SHE IS. I will say that I know plenty of couples where the chick is posting lots of pictures of their significant other, and I know for a fact that the chick will cheat on that dude in a heartbeat if given the opportunity and a dude comes along and knows how to push her buttons. I also know couples where the chick doesn't post anything on-line and they actually have healthy relationships.

(2) Her FAMILY, is a significant factor in maintaining a relationship with a woman. I made this mistake with my ex-wife. She was great, she checked all the boxes, I stayed single all the way though my early 30s, my ex came along and she was far and away the best woman I had ever dated and did not think I could do any better. The ONLY problem was her family... they were a steaming pile of fvcking chaos. My ex-mother-in-law was batsh1t crazy... my ex-father-in-law was driven nuts by his wife... all of my exes bothers and sisters were nuts. I thought my ex was different... she wasn't. It didn't take much time at all for all the cr@p to float to the surface.

• The acorn does not fall far from the tree.
• People with serious emotional issues, developed in childhood, do not just improve.
• Do not believe she is different from the rest of her family.

 

[derby1]

whats her friends like do her female friends have side lovers etc are her female friends low value?

your way to emotionally invested, shes spinning your mind like shes the alpha male, this is just constructive criticism at least consider it

 

[pipeman84]

I just don't want to risk, that she shuts down completely, only because I got insecure about this situation without knowing whats really going on.

That's a case of lack of self-respect and setting boundaries, not one of insecurity. Don't confuse the two.
Saying to her something like: 'I'm not sure you love me, tell me that you love me' or whimper to her how you don't know what to do with your life/career...those are examples of insecurity.

 

[xplt]

A couple of things:

(1) If this bothers you then you need to walk away. She is just doing what she is doing and you can not control this. What she does on social media isn't who she is... IT IS WHAT SHE WANTS THE WORLD TO THINK SHE IS. I will say that I know plenty of couples where the chick is posting lots of pictures of their significant other, and I know for a fact that the chick will cheat on that dude in a heartbeat if given the opportunity and a dude comes along and knows how to push her buttons. I also know couples where the chick doesn't post anything on-line and they actually have healthy relationships.

(2) Her FAMILY, is a significant factor in maintaining a relationship with a woman. I made this mistake with my ex-wife. She was great, she checked all the boxes, I stayed single all the way though my early 30s, my ex came along and she was far and away the best woman I had ever dated and did not think I could do any better. The ONLY problem was her family... they were a steaming pile of fvcking chaos. My ex-mother-in-law was batsh1t crazy... my ex-father-in-law was driven nuts by his wife... all of my exes bothers and sisters were nuts. I thought my ex was different... she wasn't. It didn't take much time at all for all the cr@p to float to the surface.

• The acorn does not fall far from the tree.
• People with serious emotional issues, developed in childhood, do not just improve.
• Do not believe she is different from the rest of her family.

I've experienced two downfalls of relationships myself, where the families of the women were involved. Relationship talks with her grandma and sisters on a family celebration. I thought I lose myself.

 

[xplt]

whats her friends like do her female friends have side lovers etc are her female friends low value?

your way to emotionally invested, shes spinning your mind like shes the alpha male, this is just constructive criticism at least consider it

I honestly can't tell, I don't know anyone of them.
One of her friends is fresh out of a relationship of ten years and they are bitching about her being back on OLD after two weeks already. That's all I can tell you.
I know, I feel like the woman right now and it's driving me nuts.
I'm here to get my head set straight again, all good