Fear of Rejection? Understand what you are actually afraid of

[BackInTheGame78]

I think part of the issue with men who fear rejection from women to the point they won't approach them is they are looking at it from the wrong angle.

Anytime you approach a woman no matter what the result of the interaction, you receive valuable feedback. However, it's only valuable if you do something with it.

Being rejected by a woman is giving you constructive criticism. Basically it says whatever you are doing didn't work to get the result you wanted. However, it also gives you various levels of feedback. The type and lengths of the interactions, what went well and what didn't, etc.

All of this requires some type of commitment to improving your interactions over time and some introspection to determine what you need to work on and/or change.

The issue as I see it is too many people are afraid of receiving critical feedback. You need to greatly increase your feedback threshold level.

The secondary issue is you have low self-worth. So before you continue to work on getting better with women, you need to get better with yourself.
In fact, people afraid of rejection by definition have low self-worth because you are putting so much importance on another person's opinion of you that it greatly overshadows your own opinion of yourself.

Your opinion of yourself should always be the most important opinion and other people's opinions shouldn't have an effect on it.

 

[Dam44]

Yes, so many people are scared of getting rejected. I remember my first rejection, it was a girl I really liked and it hurt so bad lol. I've have a few after that and it doesn't really move me at all

I believe rejection is important for men.

Sometimes, getting rejected doesn't always mean there's a problem with you. She does not just want you just like you also don't want some ladies

 

[member160292]

Very true. I think the problem with being rejected is that it puts you in an awkward place and most people do not know how to proceed. Many men live and have cush jobs that they don’t have to worry about rejection. Having worked in an enterprise sales role where a single deal will make or break your year. Winning and LOSING 7+ figure deals will make you realize that getting rejected by a bimbo is a drop in the bucket.

I was waiting for my date and struck up a conversation with a chickat the bar next to me that was better looking than my date lol. Could have got the phone number, but morals man

edit
Goddamit. I could have simply said I’m meeting someone for the first date. If it doesn’t work out, we can continue this conversation.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

I disagree that you learn from most rejections.

The best pickups, assuming everything else is equal, are simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time, talking to the right girl, etc. It is a numbers game on some level, and luck is always involved. Some women won't have liked you no matter what you did. You won't ever quite know what you did wrong assuming you brought your A game.

I would also say that for most guys, talking to women is probably not based on a fear of rejection. In fact getting not-rejected can be more difficult because it suddenly places a lot of pressure on you to escalate properly, and as a result I bet a lot of guys self sabotage the approach subconsciously. If they reject you, you can just immediately bounce.

 

[Glassguy]

Fear of rejection is simply not having an abundance mindset and actually having multiple options.
I don't think an assertive personality can be taught. You either have it or you don't.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It's not fear of rejection, it's fear of depression. Serious depression is like living on a planet with heavier gravity. You can't move, and you can't even think if it gets bad enough.

You can't just take things at surface level, OP.

Depressed about what?

At the end of the day if a person cares so much about another person's opinion of them, their opinion of themselves isn't very good.

There is no way around it.

 

[corrector]

I would also say that for most guys, talking to women is probably not based on a fear of rejection. In fact getting not-rejected can be more difficult because it suddenly places a lot of pressure on you to escalate properly, and as a result I bet a lot of guys self sabotage the approach subconsciously. If they reject you, you can just immediately bounce.

Exactly. You might have allot of things scheduled to do that day. If you are subconsciously worried that your whole day will derail over some lady you don't know you'll just keep riding. If you don't care about your time then I guess that could be okay. Also unless you do something during the moment, the flake-risk goes exponentially high if you just limit the time and go for her number so that doesn't make sense either.

 

[DonJuanjr]

In fact getting not-rejected can be more difficult because it suddenly places a lot of pressure on you to escalate properly, and as a result I bet a lot of guys self sabotage the approach subconsciously. If they reject you, you can just immediately bounce.

Totally agree. Before I gained some more experience, I know the thought of escalation was more anxiety inducing than the fear of rejection. Probably still is...

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I disagree that you learn from most rejections.

The best pickups, assuming everything else is equal, are simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time, talking to the right girl, etc. It is a numbers game on some level, and luck is always involved. Some women won't have liked you no matter what you did. You won't ever quite know what you did wrong assuming you brought your A game.

I would also say that for most guys, talking to women is probably not based on a fear of rejection. In fact getting not-rejected can be more difficult because it suddenly places a lot of pressure on you to escalate properly, and as a result I bet a lot of guys self sabotage the approach subconsciously. If they reject you, you can just immediately bounce.

That goes back to self-worth. Expecting to be rejected and having no plan if you aren't because you never expected it to go well is pretty much the epitome of low self worth

 

[DonJuanjr]

That goes back to self-worth. Expecting to be rejected and having no plan if you aren't because you never expected it to go well is pretty much the epitome of low self worth

What about those who value themselves, but realize they're very inexperienced for their age, and know that it's a major turn off to women?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

What about those who value themselves, but realize they're very inexperienced for their age, and know that it's a major turn off to women?

Actually they don't know this, they only "believe" this and act on it like it's true. Most women aren't going to care that much if at all.

If you care about others opinions that much than how could you value yourself? Clearly their opinions are more important than yours.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

That goes back to self-worth. Expecting to be rejected and having no plan if you aren't because you never expected it to go well is pretty much the epitome of low self worth

I didn't say expecting to be rejected, I said purposely sabotaging it.

I can say from my own experience, especially starting out, that rejections never meant anything to me. What bothered me the most were the situations where I wasn't able to fully capitalize on their interest.

 

[Zimbabwe]

You can have the best game in the world, if she isn't interested she won't magically change her mind. At the same time you could be borderline autistic but if for whatever reason is really into you, then it is really hard to mess it up.

The most important thing is to simply improve yourself as much as you can, and put yourself out there to meet women.

 

[MtmVaott]

You usually don't even know the woman and she usually has no possibility to hurt you in your day-to-day life.
This fear of getting rejected is completely irrational. What I experience is that the more attracted I am to a woman, the more I connect with her. For every man, this connection with a woman is first set up by his mother (his first "love"). So this irrational fear is likely to come from your mother's volatility in giving affection.
The problem with this knowledge is that it leads you nowhere. The key is to chopp off the umbilical cord to your mother and therefore all women and concentrate completely in men and getting all your needs met by men (and yourself), except comfort and sex.
Current society unfortunately does a p1ss poor job at catering mens needs. Take a look to arabic countries with separated sexes.

 

[sangheilios]

I disagree that you learn from most rejections.

The best pickups, assuming everything else is equal, are simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time, talking to the right girl, etc. It is a numbers game on some level, and luck is always involved. Some women won't have liked you no matter what you did. You won't ever quite know what you did wrong assuming you brought your A game.

I would also say that for most guys, talking to women is probably not based on a fear of rejection. In fact getting not-rejected can be more difficult because it suddenly places a lot of pressure on you to escalate properly, and as a result I bet a lot of guys self sabotage the approach subconsciously. If they reject you, you can just immediately bounce.

The older I get the more I realize it's truly about just being at the right time and the right place with the right woman......luck. You could be tall, fit, handsome and have a lot going for you but yet have very little opportunity to meet women, this could be due to a variety of reasons. You could even force yourself to go out and interact with the opposite sex and yet none of them are single. The only real thing you have control over is what you bring to the table and how you present yourself to women, that's it. You really don't have any control over whether or not she finds you attractive, she either does or doesn't.

It also doesn't help when the overall dating market today is heavily warped, there's a reason why there are so many frustrated men and it has nothing to do with "game" or there being something wrong with them.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The older I get the more I realize it's truly about just being at the right time and the right place with the right woman......luck. You could be tall, fit, handsome and have a lot going for you but yet have very little opportunity to meet women, this could be due to a variety of reasons. You could even force yourself to go out and interact with the opposite sex and yet none of them are single. The only real thing you have control over is what you bring to the table and how you present yourself to women, that's it. You really don't have any control over whether or not she finds you attractive, she either does or doesn't.

It also doesn't help when the overall dating market today is heavily warped, there's a reason why there are so many frustrated men and it has nothing to do with "game" or there being something wrong with them.

I believe that most people who are lucky or who find themselves at the right place at the right time do so because they put themselves there through the work they have been doing behind the scenes...

Being at the right place at the right time or being "lucky" is the payoff for busting your @ss for months and months with no results and putting the blood sweat and tears into whatever it is you are doing.

Nobody sees that...they only see the end result and then say the person was "lucky" that is happened to them.

No...it's not a passive thing that just happened to them, it was an active thing that happened because they put themselves in the right place for it to happen.

 

[Barrister]

The older I get the more I realize it's truly about just being at the right time and the right place with the right woman......luck. You could be tall, fit, handsome and have a lot going for you but yet have very little opportunity to meet women, this could be due to a variety of reasons. You could even force yourself to go out and interact with the opposite sex and yet none of them are single. The only real thing you have control over is what you bring to the table and how you present yourself to women, that's it. You really don't have any control over whether or not she finds you attractive, she either does or doesn't.

It also doesn't help when the overall dating market today is heavily warped, there's a reason why there are so many frustrated men and it has nothing to do with "game" or there being something wrong with them.

Yes and no. I agree with the "right place at right time" to a certain extent in that hot women are not single for very long. They usually will be single about 3-4 months inbetween longer relationships. So you need to be in her proximity at that time to secure something.

But don't think that just because you are in her proximity that it "just happens" at that point. You need to have game to get the hotter women. You can't just be the guy who happens to be standing there and think she is going to fall into your lap. The hotter the woman the more options she has and you will need to stand out. Taking good care yourself, having strong social proof, and being charming and being able to hold a conversation are important. Yes, your natural looks will play a big part -- but to say you have "no control" over how she is attracted to you is a statement I will disagree with.

 

[sangheilios]

I believe that most people who are lucky or who find themselves at the right place at the right time do so because they put themselves there through the work they have been doing behind the scenes...

Being at the right place at the right time or being "lucky" is the payoff for busting your @ss for months and months with no results and putting the blood sweat and tears into whatever it is you are doing.

Nobody sees that...they only see the end result and then say the person was "lucky" that is happened to them.

No...it's not a passive thing that just happened to them, it was an active thing that happened because they put themselves in the right place for it to happen.

Most men that are in relationships didn't spend months or years putting endless amounts of their energy into trying to find a woman. Most men just lived their lives and at some point their path was crossed with a woman that was by chance single at that time and also open/interested in these men. Men didn't go to PUA bootcamps or need to do toastmasters or go to nightlife venues on a weekly basis approaching endless amount of women. These men literally just wake up, go to school or work, maybe they have some friends and a few hobbies they enjoy and at some point a woman just falls in line for them. This is the reality for the vast majority of men that are dating or in relationships, obviously there are exceptions to this though.

 

[sangheilios]

Yes and no. I agree with the "right place at right time" to a certain extent in that hot women are not single for very long. They usually will be single about 3-4 months inbetween longer relationships. So you need to be in her proximity at that time to secure something.

But don't think that just because you are in her proximity that it "just happens" at that point. You need to have game to get the hotter women. You can't just be the guy who happens to be standing there and think she is going to fall into your lap. The hotter the woman the more options she has and you will need to stand out. Taking good care yourself, having strong social proof, and being charming and being able to hold a conversation are important. Yes, your natural looks will play a big part -- but to say you have "no control" over how she is attracted to you is a statement I will disagree with.

What I'm saying is that these opportunities basically just fall into a man's lap. As I mentioned to @BackInTheGame78 , men aren't doing things like toastmasters or taking acting/improvisation classes to work on their verbal game. Most men aren't going out multiple nights per week actively approaching large numbers of women or going to social/dating events regularly, those suck btw. Most men are just going about living their lives and at some point their paths cross with a woman that happens to be single and is into them to at least some degree. At that point in time and in situations like this, these women are either interested or not. A man could be in the middle of some massive self improvement and he gets rejected but when these efforts align together a couple years down the road she would have been interested in that version of him. Again, it's all just a combination of timing and luck.

I personally believe that if you need to spend a ton of time and energy into getting anywhere in the dating world there is something very wrong, not necessarily with you as an individual but it could heavily be related to the overall social scene of your area and the women in it, things you have no control over.

 

[Barrister]

What I'm saying is that these opportunities basically just fall into a man's lap. As I mentioned to @BackInTheGame78 , men aren't doing things like toastmasters or taking acting/improvisation classes to work on their verbal game. Most men aren't going out multiple nights per week actively approaching large numbers of women or going to social/dating events regularly, those suck btw. Most men are just going about living their lives and at some point their paths cross with a woman that happens to be single and is into them to at least some degree. At that point in time and in situations like this, these women are either interested or not. A man could be in the middle of some massive self improvement and he gets rejected but when these efforts align together a couple years down the road she would have been interested in that version of him. Again, it's all just a combination of timing and luck.

I personally believe that if you need to spend a ton of time and energy into getting anywhere in the dating world there is something very wrong, not necessarily with you as an individual but it could heavily be related to the overall social scene of your area and the women in it, things you have no control over.

Again, I will agree with your comments - to an extent. But most men aren't approaching at all. It isn't just that they aren't doing some desperate toastmasters or speed dating event. It is that they are too petrified to even talk to women and have no clue on how to maximize their success with talking to them.

No one here is advocating to just spam approach women either. It is a learned skill to know when it is opportune to do so and how to do it without it coming off desperate. A contingent of men on this forum seem like they have cold approached once in their life, gotten shut down, and then just given up because they don't look like Brad Pitt or have Warren Buffet's money.

It isn't so much that I think you're wrong as you sound pretty fatalistic when it comes to being successful with women. That is where I think you are missing the mark a bit -- IMO.