Maybe we should all be trying to be more "insecure."

[Veréngárda]

I feel like "insecure" is becoming a catch-all term for "is better than other people and knows it."

The boss who doesn't let empathy get in the way or doesn't have the patience for meaningless tact. "Insecure."

The person online who is openly judgemental of entire communities and doesn't give a **** if they get banned from ****. "Insecure."

The man who makes people walk on eggshells around him because he respects himself. "Insecure."

It's shaming superior people for their superiority.

"You shouldn't want to be like them."

Why? Because you don't like them? I don't like them either but I do want to be like them because they command respect and get **** done.

**** me right?

 

[Serenity]

Someone insecure is typically thought of as a lack of confidence, feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty. That's basic insecurity, but it can outwardly manifest itself in various ways when someone copes using bad strategies.

One form of this is the superiority complex, a defense mechanism that develops to help someone cope with their feeling of inferiority. This is mostly what you're describing here, forcefully dominating others and being a d!ck as a way of hiding their feelings of inferiority. Keep in mind that the root cause of this behavior is still insecurity, the apparent superiority is nothing more than a poorly adapted cope for it. The person having a superiority complex will consciously believe themselves to be superior and not be aware of the many insecurities driving their behavior subconsciously, but they're there. They also don't overtly seem to care what anyone thinks, but these people aren't likeable, definitely not over time.

Another way insecurity can manifest itself as a defense mechanism is an inferiority complex, this is the more well known form of insecurity. In this defense mechanism the person believes they are inferior and overcompensates on whatever their insecurities are centered around, desperately trying to impress others.

It's better to address the insecurity itself and try to get rid of it for real, because either of the above mentioned defense mechanism are vastly inferior compared to not having underlying insecurities to begin with. Develop true confidence in oneself as a person of worth without concealing it by being a d!ck or sucking up to everyone, then people will truly admire you, but you don't need it to feel like a man. You already fully own that feeling.

I think good old @Pook has a piece about this, jerk vs. nice guy or something like that. It basically boils down to the same, the nice guy has the inferiority complex, the jerk has the superiority complex. Both are inferior ways to go about things, both are rooted in insecurity and insecurity is ultimately unattractive regardless of which defense mechanism you hide behind.

Don't hide, be who you are and love yourself.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Someone insecure is typically thought of as a lack of confidence, feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty. That's basic insecurity, but it can outwardly manifest itself in various ways when someone copes using bad strategies.

One form of this is the superiority complex, a defense mechanism that develops to help someone cope with their feeling of inferiority. This is mostly what you're describing here, forcefully dominating others and being a d!ck as a way of hiding their feelings of inferiority. Keep in mind that the root cause of this behavior is still insecurity, the apparent superiority is nothing more than a poorly adapted cope for it. The person having a superiority complex will consciously believe themselves to be superior and not be aware of the many insecurities driving their behavior subconsciously, but they're there. They also don't overtly seem to care what anyone thinks, but these people aren't likeable, definitely not over time.

Another way insecurity can manifest itself as a defense mechanism is an inferiority complex, this is the more well known form of insecurity. In this defense mechanism the person believes they are inferior and overcompensates on whatever their insecurities are centered around, desperately trying to impress others.

It's better to address the insecurity itself and try to get rid of it for real, because either of the above mentioned defense mechanism are vastly inferior compared to not having underlying insecurities to begin with. Develop true confidence in oneself as a person of worth without concealing it by being a d!ck or sucking up to everyone, then people will truly admire you, but you don't need it to feel like a man. You already fully own that feeling.

I think good old @Pook has a piece about this, jerk vs. nice guy or something like that. It basically boils down to the same, the nice guy has the inferiority complex, the jerk has the superiority complex. Both are inferior ways to go about things, both are rooted in insecurity and insecurity is ultimately unattractive regardless of which defense mechanism you hide behind.

Don't hide, be who you are and love yourself.

What he was saying was that the MASSES and f*ist FLIPPED it and project their feelings onto others who are actually secure.

 

[Veréngárda]

Someone insecure is typically thought of as a lack of confidence, feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty. That's basic insecurity, but it can outwardly manifest itself in various ways when someone copes using bad strategies.

One form of this is the superiority complex, a defense mechanism that develops to help someone cope with their feeling of inferiority. This is mostly what you're describing here, forcefully dominating others and being a d!ck as a way of hiding their feelings of inferiority. Keep in mind that the root cause of this behavior is still insecurity, the apparent superiority is nothing more than a poorly adapted cope for it. The person having a superiority complex will consciously believe themselves to be superior and not be aware of the many insecurities driving their behavior subconsciously, but they're there. They also don't overtly seem to care what anyone thinks, but these people aren't likeable, definitely not over time.

Another way insecurity can manifest itself as a defense mechanism is an inferiority complex, this is the more well known form of insecurity. In this defense mechanism the person believes they are inferior and overcompensates on whatever their insecurities are centered around, desperately trying to impress others.

It's better to address the insecurity itself and try to get rid of it for real, because either of the above mentioned defense mechanism are vastly inferior compared to not having underlying insecurities to begin with. Develop true confidence in oneself as a person of worth without concealing it by being a d!ck or sucking up to everyone, then people will truly admire you, but you don't need it to feel like a man. You already fully own that feeling.

I think good old @Pook has a piece about this, jerk vs. nice guy or something like that. It basically boils down to the same, the nice guy has the inferiority complex, the jerk has the superiority complex. Both are inferior ways to go about things, both are rooted in insecurity and insecurity is ultimately unattractive regardless of which defense mechanism you hide behind.

Don't hide, be who you are and love yourself.

Okay fine.. superiority complex. Whatever.

Still seems to give people more power than being genuinely confident.

 

[Atom Smasher]

It basically boils down to the same, the nice guy has the inferiority complex, the jerk has the superiority complex. Both are inferior ways to go about things, both are rooted in insecurity and insecurity is ultimately unattractive regardless of which defense mechanism you hide behind.

Yes, either extreme conveys insecurity. The right formula for me, when it comes to women, is silly false bravado coupled with allowing them to see how well and respectfully I treat people in RL (I consider that separate from my sometimes caustic persona here on SS).
When they see this combination, they know that your amusing false bravado is for amusement and fun, yet they somehow have a deep respect for that, as if they believe the good and balanced aspects of the comical bravado that you display.
Women love paradox and polarity. That’s something we can leverage for great success.

 

[Serenity]

Still seems to give people more power than being genuinely confident.

Works against insecure people, anyone with actual confidence will see right through it. So it's power over the weak.

 

[Who Dares Win]

The words "insecure", "immature" or "confused" are usuallty deployed from women anytime a man doesnt do what they want/expect.

He hits on younger chicks? It's cause he is insecure.

He doesnt want to commit? It's cause he is immature.

He doesnt play by the hand book and acts freely? It's cause he is confused.

 

[Veréngárda]

Works against insecure people, anyone with actual confidence will see right through it. So it's power over the weak.

So you have actual confidence and you see through it. What then?

Congratulations, you saw through them. How do you control the situation from there?

The words "insecure", "immature" or "confused" are usuallty deployed from women anytime a man doesnt do what they want/expect.

He hits on younger chicks? It's cause he is insecure.

He doesnt want to commit? It's cause he is immature.

He doesnt play by the hand book and acts freely? It's cause he is confused.

This I fully understand. But I mean in the context of when men do it.

 

[Serenity]

So you have actual confidence and you see through it. What then?

Congratulations, you saw through them. How do you control the situation from there?

By not letting them control me. Whether I need to control them or not depends on what I want to achieve, in most cases these people are useless and can simply be ignored. Pisses them off when I do that, I just find it amusing because they have no true power so being pissed in the hopes I'll turn around to please them is all they can do, but I don't.

So I tend to ignore such people, but their massive ego makes it rather simple to manipulate them if I have to. That's their weakness.

 

[Serenity]

@DonBig I probably wouldn't have acted any differently. Might have fired off a "shut the fvck up" and proceeded to pretend he doesn't exist if I wasn't done looking at the board myself. If I was done I would have moved away, because I was done looking and would have left anyways. As long as he's just screaming and swearing I just ignore it, if he laid hands on me that would be a different matter and I would defend myself from physical harm.

I probably wouldn't move out of the way and move back after if I wasn't done looking at the board. It's unclear in your story whether you were done looking or not, and whether you did move back after screaming at you to do it.

As for how you appear, I don't give a damn what strangers believe they're seeing. If a girlfriend misinterprets what's actually happening so badly then she's probably not relationship material for me anyways, wouldn't even make wife as I'd expose such attitudes way before marriage.

If you were to engage with this dude by entering a screaming match or something, you are in fact reacting and giving attention to his sh!tty behavior. What do you think looks stronger, sinking to his level or standing there unfazed? Anyone with half a brain cell and worth your attention will know it takes a lot more strength to not respond to threatening people, to not enter a fight or flight response.

Besides, it pisses a narcissist off to no end to be straight up ignored, they want you to go into either fight or flight because that's the response they use to control people. So who's really in control? Him reacting and getting increasingly agitated or you being unaffected by it? If you do nothing he's losing more face than if you do anything as a reaction to him.

I've pissed of narcissists before with this. I have a fairly narcissistic co-worker, he was quite nasty when I started working with him. He tried his best to control me, but I was having none of it. He tried to argue several times, but I just refused to argue back and stood my ground. He was pissed at me for ignoring him like that, I didn't care. I guess he tried to do what I did, ignore me, but remember I don't need his approval so I was fine with that situation. It didn't work as a manipulation strategy, I don't respond to it. Eventually he came around and gained respect for me, he realized he better treat me well if he wants my cooperation. Respect is something I do respond to and return, but that doesn't necessarily mean I do what they want or agree with them, I also expect respect for disagreements.

As far as strangers go, you can't expect to turn them around no matter what you do, that takes a loooong ass time. So I just ignore them and go about my business, unless they get physical they can scream and make an ass of themselves all they want, I keep doing what I would have done if they weren't there. Be that to stay to complete what I'm doing or moving away because I got better sh!t to do, fvck their ego games, I ain't playing it.

 

[zekko]

I think good old @Pook has a piece about this, jerk vs. nice guy or something like that. It basically boils down to the same, the nice guy has the inferiority complex, the jerk has the superiority complex.

No matter how many times people make that point, I feel like most people come away thinking that you should be the jerk.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Someone insecure is typically thought of as a lack of confidence, feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty.

Sometimes the label of being insecure is given to somebody as a defense mechanism.

Kind of like how older more boss type women think men don't like them because the men are "insecure" around powerful women.

A helpful way to turn a weakness into a strength by projecting the weakness outward.

 

[Serenity]

No matter how many times people make that point, I feel like most people come away thinking that you should be the jerk.

Most people? I agree, but they would be missing the point.

The thing is he made it look like he is the victim, even though I was the one.

That's part of their game. They both have a massive ego and prey on others egos. If you have no ego he can make it look like you're a fvcking giraffe and it won't matter to you.

After he started to scream I just moved away, but that’s also what he wanted me moving away.

It doesn't matter what he wants, you don't lose even if he believes he won. He doesn't control everyone's opinions about you and those he does sway are your enemies too. You don't lose anyone, they lose your respect for siding with a clown.

As you might be able to tell, I don't give a fvck about losing people who take the side of people who have no respect for me. In fact I want it to happen, I love weeding out the bad apples in my life. It's extremely effective, I have a lot of reliable and genuine people in my life because of it. I have also "lost" a decent number of friends who turned to the dark side, I have no sympathy for their poor choices.

Since the crisis in economy people are more prone to exploit People, the lack of money, things get more and more expensive that all encourages people to be narcissistic and it’s a sad reality.

They were always narcissistic at some level, a struggle for resources just brings it out and amplifies it. Those who stand out as decent people even through tough times are the people worth keeping around, they have a strong core, they will be easier to spot in a sea of narcissism.

Sometimes the label of being insecure is given to somebody as a defense mechanism.

Kind of like how older more boss type women think men don't like them because the men are "insecure" around powerful women.

A helpful way to turn a weakness into a strength by projecting the weakness outward.

Absolutely correct. They think they're clever projecting insecurity itself onto others, but someone secure wouldn't need to or bother projecting any weakness onto others. My response to such an attack would probably be to laugh my ass off and enjoy the look of confusion on their face when I do.

 

[zekko]

Most people? I agree, but they would be missing the point.

Well, it's sort of natural. PUAs usually start that conversation with "Women hate the nice guy but love the jerk". Then they say don't be a jerk, but pick and choose these attractive traits from the jerk. But they go away thinking "Well, if women love the jerk, why try to be this nuanced human being, just act like a jerk and women will love you, they've already said so". It's easier to be the jerk, I suppose. I don't know how many posts I've read saying "I started acting like a jerk and I got way more interest from girls".

 

[Serenity]

"Women hate the nice guy but love the jerk"

The thing about this statement is that it's partly true, the jerk definitely does have much greater odds than the nice guy. For many the thoughts stop at that "perfect, exactly what I need" and they go on to be jerks, then have their sh!tty behavior validated by the type of women who fall for it, reinforcing the behavior. It works, but the jerk is limited to not getting the best type of women and it only lasts until she realizes he is without any actual substance.

Then they say don't be a jerk, but pick and choose these attractive traits from the jerk.

The fundamental flaw in this perspective is that it focuses purely on the superficial, to mindlessly emulate behavior without understanding what exactly about it is so attractive.

But they go away thinking "Well, if women love the jerk, why try to be this nuanced human being, just act like a jerk and women will love you, they've already said so". It's easier to be the jerk, I suppose.

Continuing the argument from above this quote. It is indeed easier, be a jerk and more women will take the bait than before. It is so easy that many stop here without delving any deeper into why being a jerk works. So they start acting like jerks for no good reason at all, there ARE circumstances where jerk looking behavior is appropriate, but the jerk we're talking about here wouldn't know. He's just an assh0le in general "because it works".

They couldn't be this nuanced human being even if they tried given this superficial emulation of behaviors, because they don't know when to be the nice guy and when to be the jerk. It's too much to emulate this behavior, with the perspective of "pick and choose these attractive traits" it's not doable.

The hard part about being the "nuanced guy" is not about acting that way, it's to become that way. Once they have become it's as simple as breathing and I would say even easier than being a jerk still mind gaming themselves. The problem is that if they're stuck in the nice guy vs jerk paradigm, they'll have to uproot a significant portion of their belief system and put themselves together again more carefully. That's the hard part and often it's very painful too.

During this reassembly they might start to make actual sense of all these behaviors. Aggression has it's place, one needs to stand up for oneself when encountering a jerk and there's no better way to just bypass a situation. Being nice also has its place, people who aren't jerks will know to appreciate it and you'll be valued by them for your generosity. The nuance is in heavily discriminating who gets what side of you. Jerks will meet the jerk in me, with nice people I return the niceness. In contrast the jerk doesn't discriminate, he's just a jerk to everyone, especially the nice guy and neither does the nice guy, he's sucking up to everyone, even the jerks. Neither have any clue how to properly navigate the social world, so they'll always be socially inferior and several steps behind someone who has a clue.