Meeting new people can be draining? How to cope?

[Dam44]

Hello

Yeah so I met this new girl(JJ) at school, I thought she was attractive but I got cold feet so I didn't speak to her except when I asked a curious question when we were returning to our dorms (we took the same transport)

A few days later, I found out it was her birthday as her picture was on a girl's WhatsApp status I used to like. I asked for their relationship and alas they're roommates. About a week later, I ran into JJ at church and got her number. We started texting later that evening and I asked her to meet me that evening by 8pm.

We met and started talking. It was quite obvious she was into me. We were asking each other questions and we didn't even realise that it was 1am already. 2 days later we meet and kept talking for hours.
We were flirting and I made sure to tease her.
A question I remember asking her is 'do you like sports, football in general' and she was like no. Then I said 'that's sad, I like girls who watch football' in a joking manner and then she starts to clarify that she likes football and all lol

She even went ahead to say, when we first met, I appeared shy but now I'm very good at conversation.

Another thing was the first time we met, we spoke about our movie tastes and the next day I went to see Morbius at the cinema with a guy friend. The next time I saw her, she was quite sad/pissed I didn't invite her

About physical touch,we've met only twice to hang out and I made sure to initiate touch. I was showing her some things on my laptop and I made sure to wrap my arm around her shoulders. She holds my hand too.

We're currently on break now and I feel she's probably losing attraction and it may all be gone when we're back on campus. When we started texting, her response was so quick now it's now longer: minutes to hours.

I feel its very draining to put effort in a new person and everything goes to ashes.
But on the brighter side, I'm getting better though especially with holding good conversations.

What's your thought on this?

 

[Kotaix]

Are you a hard introvert? There isn't much you can do about introversion and the drain that comes from that.

You being drained by the effort going to crap is entirely on you though. This is just a matter of perspective on your end which you can change.

Either way, you need to learn to overcome it.

 

[Mike32ct]

I'll give the positives and negatives I see here...

Positives:

1. If you are an introvert, then dealing with people "one on one" is actually your strength.

2. You got a chick alone and had your arm around her, held hands, etc. That's good. (Plenty of guys aren't even getting that far.) You're not far from making out and potentially more with the next one.

Negatives:

1. Having a "break" or interruption in the early stages with a chick can sometimes cause the wheels to come off. Like you date for a couple weeks and one of you goes away on a trip for a week or two, and then she has lost interest when you return. (Or during school breaks, for example.) If this happens, it's not your fault. It is what it is.

2. As more of a "one on one" person, you have no choice but to take a chance and risk potentially "wasting time" with somebody if it doesn't work out. Gaming 10 girls at once is not likely to be your style and would drain you out more. Just work one at a time so you can manage your social "energy level."

 

[espanish]

I'll give the positives and negatives I see here...

Positives:

1. If you are an introvert, then dealing with people "one on one" is actually your strength.

2. You got a chick alone and had your arm around her, held hands, etc. That's good. (Plenty of guys aren't even getting that far.) You're not far from making out and potentially more with the next one.

Negatives:

1. Having a "break" or interruption in the early stages with a chick can sometimes cause the wheels to come off. Like you date for a couple weeks and one of you goes away on a trip for a week or two, and then she has lost interest when you return. (Or during school breaks, for example.) If this happens, it's not your fault. It is what it is.

2. As more of a "one on one" person, you have no choice but to take a chance and risk potentially "wasting time" with somebody if it doesn't work out. Gaming 10 girls at once is not likely to be your style and would drain you out more. Just work one at a time so you can manage your social "energy level."

Hi
I am an introvert. I am curious to know what you mean by "one on one" here
as opposed to what? as opposed to approaching a girl that's sitting with her friend?

 

[Mike32ct]

Hi
I am an introvert. I am curious to know what you mean by "one on one" here
as opposed to what? as opposed to approaching a girl that's sitting with her friend?

Generally, it’s easier for introverts to talk to someone who is alone rather than part of a group.

An introvert certainly can approach and talk to a girl that is with her friend. But it will drain his energy faster. In that situation, open both girls and then politely focus the conversation more on the one that is more receptive. Then get the number and leave before you get too drained.

 

[Chuck Taylor]

It's really not draining at all. It's called life. We are supposed to connect with others.

 

[SH03C]

I’m introvert, though not by choice as I’ve been working from home for 2 yrs due to Covid. Prior I was more so an extrovert.

But as someone who is now introvert I find it more challenging to deal with rejection and in particular your ability to tolerate social stressors is not is as strong. Introverts are used to being in low stress environments, aka their home or comfort zone, and so when you’re out and about it can be more stressful.

I’m also dealing with the same drain you’re referring to but I feel it can be overcome. Try to engage people from a variety of channels, Instagram, Dating apps, in person, text message and also try to get to a restaurant for lunch of hit the gym to get out and about.

 

[Dam44]

Are you a hard introvert? There isn't much you can do about introversion and the drain that comes from that.

You being drained by the effort going to crap is entirely on you though. This is just a matter of perspective on your end which you can change.

Either way, you need to learn to overcome it.

I wouldn't say a hard introvert. I'm this person who's very introverted in new environments or with new people but once I get to know them well... You'd beg me to shut up lol. I'm not sure if that's what an ambivert is tho.

I'll look into the perspective thing, thanks

 

[Dam44]

I'll give the positives and negatives I see here...

Positives:

1. If you are an introvert, then dealing with people "one on one" is actually your strength.

2. You got a chick alone and had your arm around her, held hands, etc. That's good. (Plenty of guys aren't even getting that far.) You're not far from making out and potentially more with the next one.

Negatives:

1. Having a "break" or interruption in the early stages with a chick can sometimes cause the wheels to come off. Like you date for a couple weeks and one of you goes away on a trip for a week or two, and then she has lost interest when you return. (Or during school breaks, for example.) If this happens, it's not your fault. It is what it is.

2. As more of a "one on one" person, you have no choice but to take a chance and risk potentially "wasting time" with somebody if it doesn't work out. Gaming 10 girls at once is not likely to be your style and would drain you out more. Just work one at a time so you can manage your social "energy level."

Thank you, I see now there's no other choice but to risk it. I'll try to keep up via text/do my best and see what's gonna happen. She's replied but I'm yet to respond, the chemistry feels lost

 

[Dam44]

I’m introvert, though not by choice as I’ve been working from home for 2 yrs due to Covid. Prior I was more so an extrovert.

But as someone who is now introvert I find it more challenging to deal with rejection and in particular your ability to tolerate social stressors is not is as strong. Introverts are used to being in low stress environments, aka their home or comfort zone, and so when you’re out and about it can be more stressful.

I’m also dealing with the same drain you’re referring to but I feel it can be overcome. Try to engage people from a variety of channels, Instagram, Dating apps, in person, text message and also try to get to a restaurant for lunch of hit the gym to get out and about.

I think I prefer real life though. I've met a few people on SM like fb, IG and twitter but it feels like more work to eventually see them or get it to work. Sometimes, they're in other states too

 

[SH03C]

I think I prefer real life though. I've met a few people on SM like fb, IG and twitter but it feels like more work to eventually see them or get it to work. Sometimes, they're in other states too

Real life is the most appropriate scenario in terms of time/energy/chemistry.

Recently I met a woman via OLD. It was a long drawn out process prior to the meetup. We exchanged messages for 3 days and she was unable to meet for 1.5 weeks due to a planned vaca. When we did meet after 2 weeks of chatting there didn’t seem to be any real connection. I wouldn’t say it was a waste of time but there was a bit of stress involved prior to the meetup. In end the return on investment, though minimal investment, wasn’t worth it.

Considering the general process of OLD - you first spend time matching, then time planning a nice ice breaker, additional time chatting, then more time planning a meetup, and it doesn’t always prove valuable after the meeting.

Whereas meeting in person you avoid all those steps and establish a mutual sense of comfort within the first few minutes of interaction, essentially cutting out days or weeks of the OLD process.

I simply use OLD and forms of social media as a way to improve my text conversation skills. If something comes from it then great but the best focus is those you meet in person.

As an introvert it can be overwhelming at first but as you interact with more people through a variety of channels you’ll become more thick skinned and extrovert.

 

[Barrister]

Hello

Yeah so I met this new girl(JJ) at school, I thought she was attractive but I got cold feet so I didn't speak to her except when I asked a curious question when we were returning to our dorms (we took the same transport)

A few days later, I found out it was her birthday as her picture was on a girl's WhatsApp status I used to like. I asked for their relationship and alas they're roommates. About a week later, I ran into JJ at church and got her number. We started texting later that evening and I asked her to meet me that evening by 8pm.

We met and started talking. It was quite obvious she was into me. We were asking each other questions and we didn't even realise that it was 1am already. 2 days later we meet and kept talking for hours.
We were flirting and I made sure to tease her.
A question I remember asking her is 'do you like sports, football in general' and she was like no. Then I said 'that's sad, I like girls who watch football' in a joking manner and then she starts to clarify that she likes football and all lol

She even went ahead to say, when we first met, I appeared shy but now I'm very good at conversation.

Another thing was the first time we met, we spoke about our movie tastes and the next day I went to see Morbius at the cinema with a guy friend. The next time I saw her, she was quite sad/pissed I didn't invite her

About physical touch,we've met only twice to hang out and I made sure to initiate touch. I was showing her some things on my laptop and I made sure to wrap my arm around her shoulders. She holds my hand too.

We're currently on break now and I feel she's probably losing attraction and it may all be gone when we're back on campus. When we started texting, her response was so quick now it's now longer: minutes to hours.

I feel its very draining to put effort in a new person and everything goes to ashes.
But on the brighter side, I'm getting better though especially with holding good conversations.

What's your thought on this?

If she was letting you wrap your arm around her and even held your hand why didn't you push it farther? This has nothing to do with being an introvert, extrovert, or anything in-between. As a man, you always need to be escalating. If she was holding your hand and you didn't at least try to kiss her you missed a major opportunity to escalate. I am guessing that she, as a woman, is probably confused you didn't go farther than you did.

If you are on break now the best thing you can do is remain scarce. Do not start blowing up her phone due to her longer response times. You need to be mirroring her. If she isn't responding quickly you need to take that as a sign its time to just back off. I would keep your texting to a minimum over break unless you have an opportunity to meet up with her. If you do, make plans. If you don't, talk to other women over break and get your mind off her. See if there is still something there when you get back on campus.

Good luck.

 

[SH03C]

If she was letting you wrap your arm around her and even held your hand why didn't you push it farther? This has nothing to do with being an introvert, extrovert, or anything in-between. As a man, you always need to be escalating. If she was holding your hand and you didn't at least try to kiss her you missed a major opportunity to escalate. I am guessing that she, as a woman, is probably confused you didn't go farther than you did.

If you are on break now the best thing you can do is remain scarce. Do not start blowing up her phone due to her longer response times. You need to be mirroring her. If she isn't responding quickly you need to take that as a sign its time to just back off. I would keep your texting to a minimum over break unless you have an opportunity to meet up with her. If you do, make plans. If you don't, talk to other women over break and get your mind off her. See if there is still something there when you get back on campus.

Good luck.

Fully agree with @Barrister here. He is the OG

 

[zinc4]

Hello

Yeah so I met this new girl(JJ) at school, I thought she was attractive but I got cold feet so I didn't speak to her except when I asked a curious question when we were returning to our dorms (we took the same transport)

A few days later, I found out it was her birthday as her picture was on a girl's WhatsApp status I used to like. I asked for their relationship and alas they're roommates. About a week later, I ran into JJ at church and got her number. We started texting later that evening and I asked her to meet me that evening by 8pm.

We met and started talking. It was quite obvious she was into me. We were asking each other questions and we didn't even realise that it was 1am already. 2 days later we meet and kept talking for hours.
We were flirting and I made sure to tease her.
A question I remember asking her is 'do you like sports, football in general' and she was like no. Then I said 'that's sad, I like girls who watch football' in a joking manner and then she starts to clarify that she likes football and all lol

She even went ahead to say, when we first met, I appeared shy but now I'm very good at conversation.

Another thing was the first time we met, we spoke about our movie tastes and the next day I went to see Morbius at the cinema with a guy friend. The next time I saw her, she was quite sad/pissed I didn't invite her

About physical touch,we've met only twice to hang out and I made sure to initiate touch. I was showing her some things on my laptop and I made sure to wrap my arm around her shoulders. She holds my hand too.

We're currently on break now and I feel she's probably losing attraction and it may all be gone when we're back on campus. When we started texting, her response was so quick now it's now longer: minutes to hours.

I feel its very draining to put effort in a new person and everything goes to ashes.
But on the brighter side, I'm getting better though especially with holding good conversations.

What's your thought on this?

My thoughts are you had an opening and wasted too much time / procrastinated. You had to make a move there but didn't. Women are extremely fickle and they always have other options circling around or appearing almost daily.

You sound pretty young i am guessing. As you grow in age and experience, confidence will come.

Being an introvert isn't an excuse. I am one myself and have always absolutely despised working with small groups or cliques of people. I also grew up with an extremely extroverted twin brother which made my early life very difficult in regards to dating and social stuff because i was always in direct comparison with him and we grew up in a small bible belt town where your status and reputation greatly trumped your looks....my one strength at that time. I took on difficult cold sales jobs to combat this and managed to overcome it and would approach strangers often and frequently. I am naturally still an introvert though and that will never change. I just learned how to disguise it better.

As one person already said though....introverts can be stronger than extroverts in one on one interactions. You got to train yourself to be fearless with women and what they think about you. Dating in general will always feel draining until you find success just like job interviews are. This girl had legit interest, you just failed to close it. Next time act swiftly and go for the kill.

 

[lost_blackbird]

It's really not draining at all. It's called life. We are supposed to connect with others.

It can be very draining. It's called Asperger's. I find ALL social interactions deeply draining, even just going to work.
Not everybody is neurotypical and it may do you well to remember that.

As a man, you always need to be escalating.

Why?

 

[Kotaix]

Why?

Because you friend-zone yourself if you don't.

 

[Barrister]

Why?

Because most men like pvssy and if they want pvssy they need to be escalating. I know from past posts you have made, this is a foreign concept to you since you claim you have no use for women now. Most men aren't like you.

 

[Kotaix]

I wouldn't say a hard introvert. I'm this person who's very introverted in new environments or with new people but once I get to know them well... You'd beg me to shut up lol. I'm not sure if that's what an ambivert is tho.

I'll look into the perspective thing, thanks

Introverts are drained by human interaction and need alone time to "recharge". On the other hand, extroverts wither without human interaction.

I guess you could say I'm an ambivert. If I take one of those MBTI tests I'm smack in the middle between introvert and extrovert. I have no problems in new environments or with new people, but I'm most def not everyone's cup of tea. I also don't like big crowds of people.

 

[Dam44]

If she was letting you wrap your arm around her and even held your hand why didn't you push it farther? This has nothing to do with being an introvert, extrovert, or anything in-between. As a man, you always need to be escalating. If she was holding your hand and you didn't at least try to kiss her you missed a major opportunity to escalate. I am guessing that she, as a woman, is probably confused you didn't go farther than you did.

If you are on break now the best thing you can do is remain scarce. Do not start blowing up her phone due to her longer response times. You need to be mirroring her. If she isn't responding quickly you need to take that as a sign its time to just back off. I would keep your texting to a minimum over break unless you have an opportunity to meet up with her. If you do, make plans. If you don't, talk to other women over break and get your mind off her. See if there is still something there when you get back on campus.

Good luck.

I didn't push farther because I felt it was too early and we were in some kind of open space, just in front of our hostels. I'll note that tho

To remain scarce! Thank you. I'm not blowing up her phone but I've been putting in more effort to kerp the conversations on. I was even contemplating trying to initiate a relationship via text.

But now, I'll just keep it to the minimum. I hope her interest remains when we're back together

 

[Dam44]

My thoughts are you had an opening and wasted too much time / procrastinated. You had to make a move there but didn't. Women are extremely fickle and they always have other options circling around or appearing almost daily.

You sound pretty young i am guessing. As you grow in age and experience, confidence will come.

Being an introvert isn't an excuse. I am one myself and have always absolutely despised working with small groups or cliques of people. I also grew up with an extremely extroverted twin brother which made my early life very difficult in regards to dating and social stuff because i was always in direct comparison with him and we grew up in a small bible belt town where your status and reputation greatly trumped your looks....my one strength at that time. I took on difficult cold sales jobs to combat this and managed to overcome it and would approach strangers often and frequently. I am naturally still an introvert though and that will never change. I just learned how to disguise it better.

As one person already said though....introverts can be stronger than extroverts in one on one interactions. You got to train yourself to be fearless with women and what they think about you. Dating in general will always feel draining until you find success just like job interviews are. This girl had legit interest, you just failed to close it. Next time act swiftly and go for the kill.

How do you think I could have acted swiftly in this scenario?

Yeah I'm quite young. Thank you. I'll just keep chasing success then