Need help dealing with a problem I've never had before

[BPH]

This has the potential to be a very long thread. I'm not even sure if I should be making it because in doing so I'm probably overthinking this more than I already should, but I'm hoping somebody can offer me some advice or a solution.

I'm 27 years old, I'm dating a woman who lives about an hour away that I've visited every weekend for the past 6 months that we've been seeing each other. She's very attractive and it's some of the best sex I've ever had, I love this woman and she loves me.

I think the problem I have stems from one particular event that sits in the back of my head and has caused me similar problems since.

One night early on before we started getting serious she took me into a bathroom at a club after we'd been drinking and having sex all weekend to try to have a quickie, and I simply couldn't get it up. She was drunk as well and visibly disappointed but we wrote it off. Later that night I tried to sober up a bit and she put on some lingerie and we tried again - same result. This was the first time this has ever happened to me (aside from one instance where the girl wasn't that attractive, but that is a very different scenario) and that, coupled with the alcohol made me break down emotionally. I remember I was crying and apologetic and just very frustrated with myself.

However we had sex just fine the next morning and since then, and everything else was good in the relationship so we eventually became official.

But then it happened again maybe a month or so ago, this time not drunk but after having had sex plenty of times over the course of the weekend. So we waited a bit, and I was fine that time.

But then it happened AGAIN this last weekend. The issue here was that it happened not once like previous times, but three times...and this time I wasn't drunk and I we had only had sex about 5 times over the course of the whole weekend.

Saturday night we had dinner and she stopped in the middle of the sex to use the bathroom and when she came back I was feeling very nauseous - in this case I think the food simply disagreed me with me because I thought I might puke. So no big deal, eventually went to bed...

The next morning I was ready to go 3 times and tried to initiate things; but she had to go to the bathroom, then she had me stop to close the door and turn on the fan, and by the third time I just went soft partway through, thinking my body just thought it was being teased again.

By now, her confidence took a bit of hit and she was a little less kissy and lovey-dovey, suggesting that we slow down and just wait a while.

A couple hours later after we had talked a bit and relaxed I went for it the final time. She kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to try, offering to stop in the middle of the sex a few times, used lube and even mentioned how she hopes it doesn't happen a third time. I could feel her apprehension during the sex itself and ultimately had the same result partway through...

We ended up stopping and had a whole conversation/argument about it because I've never had this issue before, while sober, after plenty of downtime. Her mind starting going to places wondering if I might be cheating on her when I'm not out visiting her on the weekends as a result of this whole problem coinciding with her receiving DMs from girls I know saying they're also banging me (they're not). She asked me questions about whether I still find her attractive and if I think I'm just seeing her too often and losing that spark. She even suggested taking a weekend off from seeing each other and letting me go out with my friends to see if I'm truly ready to be tied down and serious or if I still need to go through my "hookup phase".

I stayed with her a while and talked her out of that, reassured her that I still think she's beautiful and that I'm not cheating nor have I been with anyone else since we started seeing each other. I told her I think I get in my own head because of when this happened the first time and how it sits in the back of my mind where I'm hoping it doesn't happen again and thinking "what if?". I told her I think I put pressure on myself to have enough sex with her on the weekend when I do see her to make up for all the time that I don't, and that I think sometimes I try to go again before I'm really ready because I want to satisfy her.

I went home shortly after, things seem fine as they always are. Of course I feel like it's sitting in the back of her head now too. Historically my relationships have always been long-distance - one hour or more, and I would see my girlfriend once every few weeks on a weekend. One cheated on me, the other I wasn't ready to be as serious as she was, and now I'm with this woman. Otherwise I've always been very promiscuous and got around a good bit, but the amount of sex I had was never as frequent as it is now. I don't see that being the problem however, since I've been otherwise fine for 5/6 months we've been together.

We had some fights and some stressors over that time period, but sex and the physicality of each other was never a problem until now. I think she's very attractive, I'm active, young, fit, and healthy, and have no illnesses or STDs. I don't THINK I'm losing any of that initial attraction I've had for her, my theory is just that I'm worried about this happening to me in the future because it had NEVER been a problem for me before, and I feel like I don't have any other factors for this to be something like ED.

I feel like it's simply a mental thing where I'm worried about the possibility of a repeat, and I'd rather overcome it than pretend it's not there because I love my relationship and don't want to have such a problem again or make my woman feel inadequate or unattractive or like there's someone else.

One of my buddies suggested Red Bull for taurine, since that can calm down my nervous system and improve athletic performance...not so sure about how effective that is...

My mom is actually a nurse that has worked with ED patients and she agrees that it's mental, but that doesn't really help me with a solution.

So if you've made it to the end, I appreciate your time. I don't really know what answers I'm expecting to get, but hopefully somebody can relate or has gone through something similar and can tell me what worked for you. I love this woman, I love my relationship, and I just want us both to be happy.

 

[Jair213]

Zinc. Magnesium. L citrulline.
Also eat fats. Don’t have sex to much to the point of draining all of your sexual fluids. You need to time this. And not to many times.

 

[Black Widow Void]

This happened to me with a particular girl. Not sure if you can identify with this or not, but I'll share.

This gal turned me on like no other. In fact, she and I would act on a spontaneous moment and had several sessions in a day. Then, one night, I couldn't get it up. Looking back, I wish it had been played off and she would have assisted. However, instead, it was a little embarrassing.

It didn't happen again for quite a while, but at some point, my sexual desire for her began diminishing. At the time, I recall thinking how odd this was... considering that she initially excited me like no other at that point.

In retrospect, I think the problem was too much and too often of a good thing.
It's like listening to a favorite song over and over. Eventually, the excitement loses its appeal.
Or... over indulging too often in your favorite food. It no longer becomes the same delight.

From my personal experience above, I now do not act as impulsive at any given opportunity (ie; she and I having the time, I got a boner and she's willing). If any of this above resonates, I wouldn't suggest being on a routine or anything, but instead spacing out the events and making things seem a little different (new positions and/or new atmosphere etc..)

 

[Barrister]

Once something like this gets in your head like it has here - it can be difficult to get past it. It’s 100% mental I can essentially guarantee you. I assume you’re still waking up with morning wood - that means you’re fine physically. You’re worrying about being ready to go instead of focusing on the sex and how she makes you feel. You need to get back to focusing on her body and not on whether you’re hard enough.

I recommend asking her to give you head before you go in for the kill. This usually helps if you aren’t quite all there. If you are still struggling, get some cialis or viagra to help you out temporarily until you get your confidence back up. Obviously, a bad bedroom experience repeated over and over can become a problem in your relationship. Life sometimes makes this happen to everyone so don’t sweat it. But when it’s repeatedly happening it’s become mental for you. Try the above.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Easy fix. Pop 10-20 mg Sildenafil about 30-60 minutes before. Works 100% every time, drinking or not.

 

[Rakeboy]

Easy fix. Pop 10-20 mg Sildenafil about 30-60 minutes before. Works 100% every time, drinking or not.

this is the band aid solution bro sildenafil citrate or cialis until you figure out the solution to your ED problem.
In my case, I experienced ED but after I pumped for more 100 times in one session she is dried up and i am exhausted to death. Stop watch porn and avoid sex for at least a week better for a month.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Crying & ED is likely a tell tale sign of low t.

 

[BPH]

First of all thank you for all your input. I wanted to respond to these before I went to bed.

Zinc. Magnesium. L citrulline.
Also eat fats. Don’t have sex to much to the point of draining all of your sexual fluids. You need to time this. And not to many times.

Does that really make a difference for what I'm describing? Like most weekends I see this girl we have sex anywhere from 6-10 times over the course of Friday to Sunday. I just kinda wonder why it's an issue NOW.

This gal turned me on like no other. In fact, she and I would act on a spontaneous moment and had several sessions in a day. Then, one night, I couldn't get it up. Looking back, I wish it had been played off and she would have assisted. However, instead, it was a little embarrassing.

It didn't happen again for quite a while, but at some point, my sexual desire for her began diminishing. At the time, I recall thinking how odd this was... considering that she initially excited me like no other at that point.

Can I ask what ended up becoming of your relationship with this woman? Was that moment of embarrassment something of a cloud over your relationship or was it a one-off? When you describe that you started losing attraction for this woman I just want to know if you found a way to get it back or if that was what eventually ended it for you.

And if it did end, and if you're currently in a relationship now, what's different?

I recommend asking her to give you head before you go in for the kill. This usually helps if you aren’t quite all there. If you are still struggling, get some cialis or viagra to help you out temporarily until you get your confidence back up. Obviously, a bad bedroom experience repeated over and over can become a problem in your relationship. Life sometimes makes this happen to everyone so don’t sweat it. But when it’s repeatedly happening it’s become mental for you. Try the above.

I'll admit that I'm relieved that it's mental, to some extent. However I'm hopeful that the issue is simply my fear of it happening again rather than an eventual loss of attraction as Black Widow mentioned. As stated I don't frequently get into relationships and the ones I had been in involved spending a significant amount of time apart and with less sex compared to the relationship I'm in now.

She has given me head in an attempt to get me going a few times, and it's plenty good, but usually I get most turned on when I'm turning her on. Stuff like pinning her down and fingering her until she cums, stuff like that. I don't know if THAT would be a "solution" if we even call this a problem, but wouldn't taking stuff like Cialis and Viagra create something of a dependency on them? At least mentally? Plus if she finds that I have to use that stuff to have sex with her that might end up being a more brutal hit to her ego than what's already happened.

Let me know.

Easy fix. Pop 10-20 mg Sildenafil about 30-60 minutes before. Works 100% every time, drinking or not.

As Rakeboy mentions, isn't that a band-aid solution to what might otherwise be a problem? I want to not have to worry about this in the long-term with this woman without having to rely on a drug if I'm unsure.

In my case, I experienced ED but after I pumped for more 100 times in one session she is dried up and i am exhausted to death. Stop watch porn and avoid sex for at least a week better for a month.

I've had that sorta happen, usually I just can't finish if that's the case. As for porn, I rarely watch it, if ever, since I usually like to save myself for the weekend with this girl so I can have sex with her as much as possible...which may also be part of the issue since I probably pressure myself into going before I'm ready to try to hit an imaginary "quota". As for not having sex for a week to a month...yeah that solution wouldn't really work here.

Crying & ED is likely a tell tale sign of low t.

I mean I could get bloodwork done to rule this out, but I think it's more of a mental issue. It's not like it's happening regularly, it's just that it's happened ONCE and I worry enough about it happening again that it's become a bit more frequent lately.

 

[jimwho]

6-to-10 times over a weekend. That's like ten hours of doing it. They can't all be winners Bat Man..

 

[Jair213]

You are having sex way to many times. The body won’t be able to keep up.

 

[Dash Riprock]

First of all thank you for all your input. I wanted to respond to these before I went to bed.



Does that really make a difference for what I'm describing? Like most weekends I see this girl we have sex anywhere from 6-10 times over the course of Friday to Sunday. I just kinda wonder why it's an issue NOW.



Can I ask what ended up becoming of your relationship with this woman? Was that moment of embarrassment something of a cloud over your relationship or was it a one-off? When you describe that you started losing attraction for this woman I just want to know if you found a way to get it back or if that was what eventually ended it for you.

And if it did end, and if you're currently in a relationship now, what's different?



I'll admit that I'm relieved that it's mental, to some extent. However I'm hopeful that the issue is simply my fear of it happening again rather than an eventual loss of attraction as Black Widow mentioned. As stated I don't frequently get into relationships and the ones I had been in involved spending a significant amount of time apart and with less sex compared to the relationship I'm in now.

She has given me head in an attempt to get me going a few times, and it's plenty good, but usually I get most turned on when I'm turning her on. Stuff like pinning her down and fingering her until she cums, stuff like that. I don't know if THAT would be a "solution" if we even call this a problem, but wouldn't taking stuff like Cialis and Viagra create something of a dependency on them? At least mentally? Plus if she finds that I have to use that stuff to have sex with her that might end up being a more brutal hit to her ego than what's already happened.

Let me know.



As Rakeboy mentions, isn't that a band-aid solution to what might otherwise be a problem? I want to not have to worry about this in the long-term with this woman without having to rely on a drug if I'm unsure.



I've had that sorta happen, usually I just can't finish if that's the case. As for porn, I rarely watch it, if ever, since I usually like to save myself for the weekend with this girl so I can have sex with her as much as possible...which may also be part of the issue since I probably pressure myself into going before I'm ready to try to hit an imaginary "quota". As for not having sex for a week to a month...yeah that solution wouldn't really work here.



I mean I could get bloodwork done to rule this out, but I think it's more of a mental issue. It's not like it's happening regularly, it's just that it's happened ONCE and I worry enough about it happening again that it's become a bit more frequent lately.

If you're a younger guy and not morbidly obese or have heart failure, then it's 100% psychological. Yes, the pills are a temporary solution but once you f*ck the hell out of her a few times, you'll get your confidence back and not need them.

 

[Dr.Suave]

One Cialis an hour before you see her. Every time.

Dont focus on getting a boner and penetrating. Focus on enojoying other stuff (making out or whatever else you enjoy aside from penetrating) and you will probably get a boner along the way.

Its like when you date a new girl and you should be outcome indifferent. This is the same, your goal should be enjoying other stuff and most of the time you will get that boner because you dont have the pressure to have it, you are focusing on enojying the other stuff.

 

[RickTheToad]

This has the potential to be a very long thread. I'm not even sure if I should be making it because in doing so I'm probably overthinking this more than I already should, but I'm hoping somebody can offer me some advice or a solution.

I'm 27 years old, I'm dating a woman who lives about an hour away that I've visited every weekend for the past 6 months that we've been seeing each other. She's very attractive and it's some of the best sex I've ever had, I love this woman and she loves me.

I think the problem I have stems from one particular event that sits in the back of my head and has caused me similar problems since.

One night early on before we started getting serious she took me into a bathroom at a club after we'd been drinking and having sex all weekend to try to have a quickie, and I simply couldn't get it up. She was drunk as well and visibly disappointed but we wrote it off. Later that night I tried to sober up a bit and she put on some lingerie and we tried again - same result. This was the first time this has ever happened to me (aside from one instance where the girl wasn't that attractive, but that is a very different scenario) and that, coupled with the alcohol made me break down emotionally. I remember I was crying and apologetic and just very frustrated with myself.

However we had sex just fine the next morning and since then, and everything else was good in the relationship so we eventually became official.

But then it happened again maybe a month or so ago, this time not drunk but after having had sex plenty of times over the course of the weekend. So we waited a bit, and I was fine that time.

But then it happened AGAIN this last weekend. The issue here was that it happened not once like previous times, but three times...and this time I wasn't drunk and I we had only had sex about 5 times over the course of the whole weekend.

Saturday night we had dinner and she stopped in the middle of the sex to use the bathroom and when she came back I was feeling very nauseous - in this case I think the food simply disagreed me with me because I thought I might puke. So no big deal, eventually went to bed...

The next morning I was ready to go 3 times and tried to initiate things; but she had to go to the bathroom, then she had me stop to close the door and turn on the fan, and by the third time I just went soft partway through, thinking my body just thought it was being teased again.

By now, her confidence took a bit of hit and she was a little less kissy and lovey-dovey, suggesting that we slow down and just wait a while.

A couple hours later after we had talked a bit and relaxed I went for it the final time. She kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to try, offering to stop in the middle of the sex a few times, used lube and even mentioned how she hopes it doesn't happen a third time. I could feel her apprehension during the sex itself and ultimately had the same result partway through...

We ended up stopping and had a whole conversation/argument about it because I've never had this issue before, while sober, after plenty of downtime. Her mind starting going to places wondering if I might be cheating on her when I'm not out visiting her on the weekends as a result of this whole problem coinciding with her receiving DMs from girls I know saying they're also banging me (they're not). She asked me questions about whether I still find her attractive and if I think I'm just seeing her too often and losing that spark. She even suggested taking a weekend off from seeing each other and letting me go out with my friends to see if I'm truly ready to be tied down and serious or if I still need to go through my "hookup phase".

I stayed with her a while and talked her out of that, reassured her that I still think she's beautiful and that I'm not cheating nor have I been with anyone else since we started seeing each other. I told her I think I get in my own head because of when this happened the first time and how it sits in the back of my mind where I'm hoping it doesn't happen again and thinking "what if?". I told her I think I put pressure on myself to have enough sex with her on the weekend when I do see her to make up for all the time that I don't, and that I think sometimes I try to go again before I'm really ready because I want to satisfy her.

I went home shortly after, things seem fine as they always are. Of course I feel like it's sitting in the back of her head now too. Historically my relationships have always been long-distance - one hour or more, and I would see my girlfriend once every few weeks on a weekend. One cheated on me, the other I wasn't ready to be as serious as she was, and now I'm with this woman. Otherwise I've always been very promiscuous and got around a good bit, but the amount of sex I had was never as frequent as it is now. I don't see that being the problem however, since I've been otherwise fine for 5/6 months we've been together.

We had some fights and some stressors over that time period, but sex and the physicality of each other was never a problem until now. I think she's very attractive, I'm active, young, fit, and healthy, and have no illnesses or STDs. I don't THINK I'm losing any of that initial attraction I've had for her, my theory is just that I'm worried about this happening to me in the future because it had NEVER been a problem for me before, and I feel like I don't have any other factors for this to be something like ED.

I feel like it's simply a mental thing where I'm worried about the possibility of a repeat, and I'd rather overcome it than pretend it's not there because I love my relationship and don't want to have such a problem again or make my woman feel inadequate or unattractive or like there's someone else.

One of my buddies suggested Red Bull for taurine, since that can calm down my nervous system and improve athletic performance...not so sure about how effective that is...

My mom is actually a nurse that has worked with ED patients and she agrees that it's mental, but that doesn't really help me with a solution.

So if you've made it to the end, I appreciate your time. I don't really know what answers I'm expecting to get, but hopefully somebody can relate or has gone through something similar and can tell me what worked for you. I love this woman, I love my relationship, and I just want us both to be happy.

A few questions. Do you masturbate a lot? Are you (significantly) overweight? How's your diet? Do you eat processed foods? Have your testosterone levels been checked recently? Any issues urinating? Stress can be an issue. Are you overly stressed out? Do you exercise or meditate to help relax your muscles? A soak in a hot bath a couple times a week may help too.

All dudes should be taking daily:

Zinc @ 25MG and Folic Acid @ 800 MCG for healthy sperm and prostate.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I mean I could get bloodwork done to rule this out, but I think it's more of a mental issue. It's not like it's happening regularly, it's just that it's happened ONCE and I worry enough about it happening again that it's become a bit more frequent lately.

If you have mental health issues and you take anti depressants, it can potentially **** up your libido. Benzos will obliterate your drive as will SRIs. Definitely speak to your doctor.

 

[lost_blackbird]

I find a daily fap is sufficient to remove libido completely but I'm pushing 50 so probably would have
needed a couple of whacks when I was younger.

 

[BPH]

6-to-10 times over a weekend. That's like ten hours of doing it. They can't all be winners Bat Man..

10 hours? You must be marathon ****ing, most of the time its like 15-20 minutes, but frequent.

You are having sex way to many times. The body won’t be able to keep up.

If that's the case why do you think this wasn't an issue in previous weekend where we would go way more than 5 times like in this instance?

If you're a younger guy and not morbidly obese or have heart failure, then it's 100% psychological. Yes, the pills are a temporary solution but once you f*ck the hell out of her a few times, you'll get your confidence back and not need them.

Yeah I'm in great shape. I'm about 6ft 194lbs with between 10-13% body fat with a good heart. I 100% think it's psychological because I'm worried about it happening it again, so maybe the pills are a good option until you get my confidence back (however long that takes).

What I AM worried about is if the difference of me on the pills is so obvious that she realizes I'm taking something to be able to **** her. THAT would be arguably worse than going soft again, with her thinking I need this drug to be able to have sex. That is something I'm worried about. Have you yourself had this issue and followed the same solution you're recommending me?

One Cialis an hour before you see her. Every time.

Dont focus on getting a boner and penetrating. Focus on enojoying other stuff (making out or whatever else you enjoy aside from penetrating) and you will probably get a boner along the way.

Its like when you date a new girl and you should be outcome indifferent. This is the same, your goal should be enjoying other stuff and most of the time you will get that boner because you dont have the pressure to have it, you are focusing on enojying the other stuff.

I agree, like I said I think I just put pressure on myself to have enough sex with her when I do see her that it gets her through the week without me. I can slow down and focus on the foreplay but sometimes once I get her going she just wants to jump right into it.

As for the Cialis recommendation you made above, can you read what I responded to Dash Riprock with? That's something that does concern me a little bit...

A few questions. Do you masturbate a lot? Are you (significantly) overweight? How's your diet? Do you eat processed foods? Have your testosterone levels been checked recently? Any issues urinating? Stress can be an issue. Are you overly stressed out? Do you exercise or meditate to help relax your muscles? A soak in a hot bath a couple times a week may help too.

All dudes should be taking daily:

Zinc @ 25MG and Folic Acid @ 800 MCG for healthy sperm and prostate.

Since seeing this girl I rarely, if ever masturbate during the week. I usually save my fluids for the weekend since I know we usually have quite a bit of sex (which may be the issue here). I am not overweight in the slightest. I am on a pretty strict diet involving eggs, oatmeal, rice, chicken, broccoli, and tuna. On the weekends I do cheat on this diet within reason so we can go out and enjoy things without being too particular. I don't eat processed foods otherwise. I have not checked my testosterone levels recently, haven't had a reason to, I use no PEDs and exercise regularly, and have not had any issues in the bedroom prior to these very recent, and less recent drunken events. No issues urinating ever, no STDS. I don't think I'm stressed, maybe just in those certain moments where I'm not certain I'm ready for sex again with the fear of going soft since it's now happened before. I exercise 5 days/week but I do not meditate or soak or anything outside of the hot tub every now and then.

As for the supplement, I take something with Magnesium and I BELIEVE Zinc, but I don't believe I have anything with folic acid. I don't believe my sperm and prostate is the issue, probably more of a mental block.

If you have mental health issues and you take anti depressants, it can potentially **** up your libido. Benzos will obliterate your drive as will SRIs. Definitely speak to your doctor.

When I say mental issue, I think it's my insecurity due to this having happened before. I put pressure on myself, as mentioned, to have sex with this woman enough times when I do see her to make up for the time that I don't during the week. Sometimes we have arguments and fight but we usually make up and have sex later and that's always been fine without issue. So I think it's more of a lingering fear of "am I ready again?" or "what if I go soft?"

I am not otherwise depressed, taking any medications, or have anything that I would consider a mental disorder or issue.

I find a daily fap is sufficient to remove libido completely but I'm pushing 50 so probably would have
needed a couple of whacks when I was younger.

Not completely sure what you're suggesting here, but I'm trying to increase my sex drive if anything. I don't even masturbate during the week anymore because I know I'll go plenty of rounds with my woman on the weekend.

Also I'd be curious to see what Black Widow Void and Barrister think of the drug recommendations made here to get my confidence back as a temporary fix. I don't know if there's a way to tag these users but I may message them if this doesn't reach them.

On a side note, I started doing some looking for Cialis. Looks like I'd need a prescription, and I'd be seeing my girl again this weekend...so I don't know if there's a realistic way for me to get this if that's what the recommendation is, at least until my confidence is back up.

 

[jimwho]

I'm thinking you're putting pressure on yourself. You know you're going to be there for three days and she's used to you being a super hero all the time. I don't know what the medical term is Performance anxiety maybe. Cut yourself some slack and don't bone so much.

 

[metalwater]

make sure to get enough sleep.

also, it's not all you, she is also in on this. one of the things some of the guys teach is that if you have a performance issue with a girl, you probably won't have the same issue with another girl. it's true and it's not all the fault of the guy, it's a compatibility thing. If you go out with another girl and you end up like a stallion, then what's the variable...

girl gives off vibe and chemicals that massively affect the libido of the guy. she can be telling yes and thinking yes, but her body is saying; nope. maybe being more dominant will help, but maybe not. if you notice the issue more during or around the ovulation time of the girl then it could be from her side. nothing to tell her about it, just know it's not you; directly...

if you're not already doing it, running and lifting.

 

[Bingo-Player]

one word - Dopamine

i find it incredibly difficult to become sexually stimulated now because my mind is constantly stimulated by artificial screens and other crap

So many men have this issue these days there is literally no other answer

Porn is of course a big big problem but extreme dopamine release in general society is causing major problems

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

You're not 18-21 anymore