I'm not handling things well

[Loki.7]

Basically I'm having a little trouble with this new girlfriend and that I've already made a few threads about. It's also something I had noticed about myself in the past too.

So recent events have got me thinking and doing a little bit of self evaluation. I'm definitely not on the top of my game.

Basically I was in a decade long relationship, that ended. So I dated around a bit after and had good success. Now I've ended up with a girl that stood out.

Attracting women, hook ups , getting super high interest in the start of new relationships, I find super easy.

It's when things start to get serious I've noticed I start falling apart. It's as if women "win" the prize and the power dynamic shifts.

I believe this is because when things start getting serious and I close the door on all other women and become committed, it triggers neediness in me.

Like a switch flips in my head when I realise other women are off the menu and i only have the one women in my life.

I then become beta man , power dynamic shifts , a little bit it neediness mixed in with a little bit of insecurity (which is stupid really as I don't need anyone realistically). It's as if I get caught in a spiders web. I keep getting beaten down my **** tests and I don't know why I'm giving up my power in the relationship like this.

I have a few things going on in my spare time gym (I'm starting to look really good again) , schutzhund (a social dog sport that takes up a ton of my time ), plus a bit of fishing and yoga to relax. I also have a social circle of friends, so it's not like my life is boring and I don't have things to do.

What I find myself doing is wanting to be in contact via text or phone, if any conflict arrise I have a urge to problem solve and try to get back to smooth sailing ASAP.

In person totally different story. My problem is when we're apart. I know it's weak AF, but I don't realise I'm doing it.

Once I'm further along in a relationship I'm fine and normal again.


It all started getting beta after we told each other we loved each other , same pattern in previous relationships.

99% of the time I know I just needed to be non reactive.

I suppose what I'm doing and how I'm ****ing up is irrelevant. I just need to kill this side of me.

I don't want to dump my girlfriend. I want to try sort my head out while in the relationship.

Although I think what would be good for me is not to do the girlfriend thing at all. I think dating multiple women at once and staying non committed might help my infliction.

Thing is I really like the girl I'm currently with. I'd like to work through this behaviour I dislike within myself, and still keep the relationship going.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I’ve been there in the past so i know what you’re experiencing. Basically you allow your emotions to run wild and that prevents you from loving yourself. Instead all your love goes to her.

So are you not setting boundaries and not enforcing them? Is that the root issue that’s causing problems?

You didn’t give examples but it sounds like you’re saying conflicts arise and if you don’t bend and agree with her or do what she says, you get silence and distance from her and this triggers neediness in you? Who is generating these conflicts? You or her? I’m going to guess her but be honest.

Bottom line without examples is that the only way you can make a relationship work and be happy is if you set clear boundaries and are always willing to walk away (and mean it) if she violates them. You can’t fear losing her. Once you fear losing her, you become feminine and she will resent you for this and the problems will escalate. Women want to feel your masculine energy and one of the most common ways they do this is through little “tests”, some may call them **** tests - whatever. Some may say no woman who **** tests you in a relationship is relationship material but I disagree because I truly believe all women **** test and it never ends; it’s part of the feminine energy. Women are bratty little girls and always will be. But don’t get me wrong, it’s not ok for a woman to test you by doing big things like hanging out with a male friend 1:1 or insulting you in front of friends etc. I’m talking about small tests. But big or small, they want you to stand up to them so they can feel your masculinity and you do this by making your own decisions on what’s right and wrong, not apologizing for things you don’t feel you did wrong, and by setting boundaries with them that, if broken, you begin the process of walking away, or you walk away completely depending on the severity of the violation.

You have to be ok with losing her because if you aren’t, you’ll lose her and you’ll lose yourself. You think that bending to her smooths things over but it actually has the opposite effect. It MIGHT smooth things over in the moment but it’s short lived and will get worse just hours or days later. And if you really are paying attention, you’ll notice if you bend to her, even immediately afterwards she still seems a bit agitated. You assume it’s because she is still a bit mad at whatever the “issue” was and just needs time to cool off but the real reason she is mad is because you caved. She tested you and you caved.

Do not mistake “caving” or “do not apologize” to mean that you need to always be right. It just means make your OWN decision as to whether you were wrong or right and if you feel you weren’t wrong, don’t cave or apologize.

 

[Loki.7]

I’ve been there in the past so i know what you’re experiencing. Basically you allow your emotions to run wild and that prevents you from loving yourself. Instead all your love goes to her.

So are you not setting boundaries and not enforcing them? Is that the root issue that’s causing problems?

You didn’t give examples but it sounds like you’re saying conflicts arise and if you don’t bend and agree with her or do what she says, you get silence and distance from her and this triggers neediness in you? Who is generating these conflicts? You or her? I’m going to guess her but be honest.

Bottom line without examples is that the only way you can make a relationship work and be happy is if you set clear boundaries and are always willing to walk away (and mean it) if she violates them. You can’t fear losing her. Once you fear losing her, you become feminine and she will resent you for this and the problems will escalate. Women want to feel your masculine energy and one of the most common ways they do this is through little “tests”, some may call them **** tests - whatever. Some may say no woman who **** tests you in a relationship is relationship material but I disagree because I truly believe all women **** test and it never ends; it’s part of the feminine energy. Women are bratty little girls and always will be. But don’t get me wrong, it’s not ok for a woman to test you by doing big things like hanging out with a male friend 1:1 or insulting you in front of friends etc. I’m talking about small tests. But big or small, they want you to stand up to them so they can feel your masculinity and you do this by making your own decisions on what’s right and wrong, not apologizing for things you don’t feel you did wrong, and by setting boundaries with them that, if broken, you begin the process of walking away, or you walk away completely depending on the severity of the violation.

You have to be ok with losing her because if you aren’t, you’ll lose her and you’ll lose yourself. You think that bending to her smooths things over but it actually has the opposite effect. It MIGHT smooth things over in the moment but it’s short lived and will get worse just hours or days later. And if you really are paying attention, you’ll notice if you bend to her, even immediately afterwards she still seems a bit agitated. You assume it’s because she is still a bit mad at whatever the “issue” was and just needs time to cool off but the real reason she is mad is because you caved. She tested you and you caved.

Do not mistake “caving” or “do not apologize” to mean that you need to always be right. It just means make your OWN decision as to whether you were wrong or right and if you feel you weren’t wrong, don’t cave or apologize.

Thank you for your detailed reply.

I do have boundaries and she's not crossed them.

The thing is she's not done anything wrong, just normal girlfriend behaviour. The problem is the way I'm reacting , over reacting to the little things. The problem is definitely me , and I've done it in past relationships.

For example all it takes is for a little mood swing or her levels of interest to drop slightly. I sense she's started to go a little bit cold (for whatever reason), she's in a mood or pulling back a tiny bit, and dread is triggered in me. I start panicking, giving her attention and try to pull her back into line .

By doing this I'm screwing the power dynamic.

I'm definitely placing too much value on her!

What happens is I'm acting my normal self then later down the line i get drawn in and hooked. Basically when I really invest myself emotionally and become. vunrable this behaviour in myself starts to emerge.

I'm anxious about losing connection. The thing is I have other women lined up and I know I can get what I want quite easily.

It's hard to explain. I'm not afraid of the relationship ending because I will be just fine.

What I can't seem to stand is the natural dips in a relationship once emotionally invested.

 

[Barrister]

Thank you for your detailed reply.

I do have boundaries and she's not crossed them.

The thing is she's not done anything wrong, just normal girlfriend behaviour. The problem is the way I'm reacting , over reacting to the little things. The problem is definitely me , and I've done it in past relationships.

For example all it takes is for a little mood swing or her levels of interest to drop slightly. I sense she's started to go a little bit cold (for whatever reason), she's in a mood or pulling back a tiny bit, and dread is triggered in me. I start panicking, giving her attention and try to pull her back into line .

By doing this I'm screwing the power dynamic.

I'm definitely placing too much value on her!

What happens is I'm acting my normal self then later down the line i get drawn in and hooked. Basically when I really invest myself emotionally and become. vunrable this behaviour in myself starts to emerge.

I'm anxious about losing connection. The thing is I have other women lined up and I know I can get what I want quite easily.

It's hard to explain. I'm not afraid of the relationship ending because I will be just fine.

What I can't seem to stand is the natural dips in a relationship once emotionally invested.

We’ve all been there. Especially when we feel like we’ve caught one that is “special” and stands out. We start bending our own rules, capitulating too much, and wanting to spend most of our time with them.

We as men need to lead and be detached for the most part. Doesn’t mean you can’t show affection at appropriate times. But you need to have your own life. She fits into your life where she can. She cannot become your life.

 

[Loki.7]

OP what are you doing besides the GF? Sounds to me like you dont have much going on. You need to find something you love to do or accomplish and put her like 3rd in line.

Gym, Fishing , Yoga and Dog Sports (which that's a massive chunk of my spare time ).

 

[Loki.7]

I think what triggers my neediness is I want to understand what she's thinking and not communicating.

It puts myself in my own head

 

[andreihaha]

The fact that no one likes to admit is that seduction and frame are things you don't only develop, but ALSO MENTAIN.
Yeah, we all hope things are gonna work out magically without much effort, but it's unrealistic.
In my opinion, frame is more important once you're in a relationship.

You have to be reactive when sh1t happens, and fast. Because once she's seen you as desperate and needy, there's little you can do to change her opinion. So if you wait too much to assert your dominance and then you do it, you turn suddenly into a jerk, not the guy she felt in love it blabla.

And if your problem really is neediness, find something that drives you. A real passion, not a job or hobby or women.

I know it's not easy, but it's all worth it.

 

[mjb3617]

I learned the neediness thing the hard way like I'm sure most of us have. The biggest thing I realized is that you have to remind yourself to temper your feelings and emotions when they come on strong. You sound like you just react when these feelings and emotions hit you instead of taking a moment to stop and think them through. We need to operate from a rational mindset, not emotional like women. Easier said than done sometimes, but that's what I've learned.

 

[Bokanovsky]

The thing is she's not done anything wrong, just normal girlfriend behaviour. The problem is the way I'm reacting , over reacting to the little things. The problem is definitely me , and I've done it in past relationships.

The below response is going to come off as cynical but unfortunately, it's the truth. A certain power imbalance is inherent in every relationship. The person who values the relationship more than the other person is going to come off is needy, unless that neediness is consciously suppressed (at the expense of a certain level of psychological suffering and distress).

So, you've got two options: learn to hide your feelings well or figure out how to care less. IMO, the latter is the preferred alternative.

 

[3agle 3yes]

Gym, Fishing , Yoga and Dog Sports (which that's a massive chunk of my spare time ).

I have a question for you OP, what are you doing that's actually having an impact on your life and the life of others?

Going to the gym, fishing, yoga and dog sports are merely activities.

The idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

If you are putting so much attention on what your gf is doing, it means you have no other source of focus.

And I don’t mean just do something that's “fun” and “interesting”.

Masculine energy is purposeful and has intent.

Find and do something that takes you out of your comfort zone and puts you on the edge.

You should set big goals for your life that are difficult to achieve and require your full focus.

This should take care of your neediness.

 

[Loki.7]

Thank you for your replies so far everyone. I really appreciate it and will take it all onboard.

Another thought on the topic is love. My neediness in this relationship and past ones came shortly after she feel in love with me and I feel in love with her.

Once it gets to that stage in a relationship I guess I'm seeking that closeness throughout the relationship, afraid to loose it.

So perhaps my concept of love is all wrong and I don't understand realistically what it for a women to love a man.

I tend to see it as a deep connection and bond. It's at that point I let my guard down and let myself be vunrable , which has a detrimental effect on the relationship.

 

[Loki.7]

I have a question for you OP, what are you doing that's actually having an impact on your life and the life of others?

Going to the gym, fishing, yoga and dog sports are merely activities.

The idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

If you are putting so much attention on what your gf is doing, it means you have no other source of focus.

And I don’t mean just do something that's “fun” and “interesting”.

Masculine energy is purposeful and has intent.

Find and do something that takes you out of your comfort zone and puts you on the edge.

You should set big goals for your life that are difficult to achieve and require your full focus.

This should take care of your neediness.

I'll consider this for sure. Although I don't think it would be solely the cure to my affliction.

It feels like I need to reframe and install a healthier way of thinking. I need to gain a deeper understanding of why I'm behaving as I am and address the broken programming.

 

[Loki.7]

The below response is going to come off as cynical but unfortunately, it's the truth. A certain power imbalance is inherent in every relationship. The person who values the relationship more than the other person is going to come off is needy, unless that neediness is consciously suppressed (at the expense of a certain level of psychological suffering and distress).

So, you've got two options: learn to hide your feelings well or figure out how to care less. IMO, the latter is the preferred alternative.

There is no point in faking it. I need to get to the bottom of this and dig it up from the roots.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I tend to see it as a deep connection and bond. It's at that point I let my guard down and let myself be vunrable , which has a detrimental effect on the relationship.

I think the vulnerability you speak of may likely be you looking to your woman for comfort and reassurance and support for things you are feeling insecure or sad or anxious about. You can do that with your mom but not your woman.

 

[Loki.7]

I think the vulnerability you speak of may likely be you looking to your woman for comfort and reassurance and support for things you are feeling insecure or sad or anxious about. You can do that with your mom but not your woman.

Could be because at the start of the relationship when I'm non committed I'm getting attention from a few different women all at once, so definitely not feeling insecure for obvious reasons.

As soon as I'm committed and I emotionally connect and close the door on other women that's when the little tests start effecting me. There is one particular test that triggers my insecurity, it's when they pull away or go cold.

Real emotion is now involved the point when I start seeing her as my girlfriend, when I sense she's pulling away , losing interest that is what triggers panic /insecurity/neediness.

In regarding other little tests I'm very much in control, calm and uneffected. So it's definitely fear of losing her that's effecting me..

The further along in the relationship i get the more my insecurities die off.


I'm thinking I will use this time for learning, as I'm at the exact part of the relationship I start failing these test and my insecurities have just started to surface.

I'll try and make it an opportunity for growth. Not as in learning how to pass the tests or fake it , more as in self reflection and understanding/addressing why I act like this.

My main issue with it all I hate the way I act and feel when I do this ****. Plus it sets the ton of that phase of the relationship in an unfavorable way

Bottom line I need to learn to be okay with walking away from a new relationship that I'm excited about and emotionally invested in .

 

[spikeanut]

OP, let's be realistic. She doesn't love you. You've known her for 2 months. She doesn't love you. It's 2 months and she's already pulling back and **** testing you. She doesn't love you.

Sorry OP, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I want you to know the reality of things. It takes a lot for woman to truly, deeply fall in love. Women are emotional creatures that are impulsive and act in the heat of the moment. She may have said she loves you, and she may even have actually believed it, but it is not love; at least not in the same sense that we as men define love. A part of the reason why you are getting so much push back and all these mind games, hot/cold, etc, is because you are no longer a challenge to her. She no longer has to chase you because she knows she has all the power in the relationship.

Always remember this OP, the person who cares less in the relationship, is the one with all the power.

 

[Loki.7]

OP, let's be realistic. She doesn't love you. You've known her for 2 months. She doesn't love you. It's 2 months and she's already pulling back and **** testing you. She doesn't love you.

Sorry OP, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I want you to know the reality of things. It takes a lot for woman to truly, deeply fall in love. Women are emotional creatures that are impulsive and act in the heat of the moment. She may have said she loves you, and she may even have actually believed it, but it is not love; at least not in the same sense that we as men define love. A part of the reason why you are getting so much push back and all these mind games, hot/cold, etc, is because you are no longer a challenge to her. She no longer has to chase you because she knows she has all the power in the relationship.

Always remember this OP, the person who cares less in the relationship, is the one with all the power.

Yeah man. I think you're right.

I think I've let my emotions get the better of me for sure.

 

[Loki.7]

So report for today.

So I wake up to a massive message explaining how's she's feeling.

Loves me , I seems too good to be true. She's afraid I will turn into an ******* and break her heart , she's just overwhelmed and needed time to think.

I just respond with what boundaries I have , what behaviour I do not accept in a relationship e.t.c.

I even mention I was happily single before I met her and wasn't looking for a relationship. Which she already knows, as I was doing the casual thing.

I told her that I saw something special in her though and that's why I'm in a relationship with her.

Basically I gave the impression she's on really thin ice. Which realistically she is.

After the last few days in my head I'm getting ready to walk if it continues. The thing is it's not her ****ing up, it's me. I'm beating myself up over the way I'm reacting and don't like it. So it's got me questioning if this is what I really want.

Of course she has sensed this and her behaviour has done a 100% u turn today. Lol suddenly she's blowing up my phone, wants to come over e.t.c.


I'm feeling pretty indifferent at the moment. I'll give it time and see if I get pulled me back in.

I don't know why I get so reactive in the first place when a girlfriend goes cold on me.