No interest in being ‘Just a friend’, how would you word this?

[RyanMan]

I went out with a girl a few times the other year, it all got a bit weird and we didn’t go out for a while.

Flash forward to now, she’s with someone and so am I.

I made a comment on something teasing her on IG DM’s earlier about how I was avoiding women (including her) for a while & she said “it’s fine, we’re just friends now!”

Now that’s fine, but I’ve no interest in being friends. I’m not bothered if we delete each other off social media etc, but I just want to know the best way of being upfront about this now? (and in the future, in case this ever comes up with a girl again)

If we were both single I’d just say “Sorry XXX I’ve enough friends. And god knows I could never look at *you* & see you as just a mate”

And personally I’m half tempted to do that now, but we’re both in relationships and I don’t want it to look like I’m chatting her up while she’s with someone.

I don’t, I just want to make clear in general I find her hot, and while I'm respectful we’re both dating people now, that’s not how I view her (and if she deletes me from IG / whatever I’m genuinely not fussed)

And I just want to do it in a way that’s calm & nonchalant, and that expresses I’m not bothered by her response (I’m really not, but as someone with Asperger’s I just want to know ‘how’ to do that, so I can use it again in future if need be)

 

[jaymbrs]

You have way too much free time to worry about **** like this.

 

[Robert28]

How did things get weird when y’all went out? You have a gf now so you shouldn’t be worrying about her and what she sees you as. I’m surprised you still talk to her to be honest, damn if I would. You don’t need to say anything back, just focus on the girl you’re dating now.

 

[RangerMIke]

I wouldn't even give something like this a second thought. I really don't pay that much attention to what women say. She says you're a friend... so what... unless she starts acting like friend... calling or texting you all the time, on expecting you to do things for her like a friend... then you just not respond.

But if this really bugs you... well... then say something like "Okay 'friend' I need a favor....." then ask her to do something for you. Then you'll see what she really means as 'friend'.

 

[EyeBRollin]

This doesn’t deserve a second of your time.

 

[RyanMan]

Guys, this is perfect thanks!

It got weird as we slept together the first time (well we went to bed, got naked & did everything ‘but’ sex), then she went cold for a while.

I assumed it was me (I had a lot of family issues, my brother had recently tried to commit suicide so I had a lot going on, not that I said any of this to her obviously!), then months later we talked and she said it was her, she was projecting her issues on me.

Did exactly the same again, & I wasn’t in the right frame of mind due to above family issues so never picked up for a while. Things are fine with him now, I’m in a good place and this other girl looks like it too. The relationship with my current girl is very new, & I always liked this other one. I guess I’d rather just make my intentions clear is all.

And I just assumed me ignoring this message where she states we’re friends is me implicitly accepting this, that’s all, but if ignoring it completely is the better way then great!

 

[HaleyBaron]

Being a friend is fine. Where you ****ed up is not staying a friend with your dvck. She had no good memory of you so now she is going to stay away. Next.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Please don't say anything to her about it now - she has a boyfriend and based on your two previous attempts with her and her statement about being a friend now, it's clear she doesn't want anything more from you. All you'd be doing by telling her you don't want to be "just friends" is give her free validation that she doesn't need or deserve. The only time you need to bring up that you aren't interested in being friend-zoned is if a girl you are dating and hanging out with who is single is trying to friend zone you. Then and only then would you possibly say, "Well I'm not interested in the friendzone so take care!" But even then, I've found what works much better than that is to be covert about it instead. I simply withdraw my time and attention until I either slowly fade away to never seeing or talking to her again or she makes a run at me (which is extremely rare - once a girl tries to friend-zone you, the chance of turning it around is very small). If the reason you want to communicate your position to her is because you're worried she is going to get angry with you or call you out for fading away and not talking to her, don't worry about that. Women do it ALL the time when a guy friend-zones them and when she feels you aren't providing her with any more value (she likes the attention you give her now), she will have zero problem ghosting you.

 

[manfrombelow]

I made a comment on something teasing her on IG DM’s earlier about how I was avoiding women (including her) for a while & she said “it’s fine, we’re just friends now!”

I'm a bit surprised to see a 36-year-old man still communicate with chicks on Instagram, made a stupid comment, and paid for it.

I would just ignore the whole thing if I were you. And yes I agree 100% with the other guy about you having way too much free time to worry about this sh!t.

 

[RyanMan]

Got it! Cheers guys, this is gold.

I couldn’t have done anything different at the time, with all the family things I had going on I’m glad things were all handled as well as they were. I’ll just ignore her message completely.

@oldmanofthesea it was never about ‘calling her out’ so to speak, I’d just heard from some other dating coaches in the past that sometimes ignoring messages like this was acknowledging she controlled ‘the frame’ and me not replying was an implicit acceptance of them.

And honestly, I’m practicing a whole new mindset where I really don’t care any more, I’m less reactive, more calm and I’m now ‘that guy’.

But I don’t know how to express that properly all the time because I’ve aspergers, & I know sometimes how I come across isn’t how I feel or am inside. So I just wanted to be as clear as possible in all parts of my life going forward.

@manfrombelow well here I am ha, we all make mistakes & I’m here because I want to learn from them.
I used to like her, but it was less about this particular response now and how to react to these sort of messages going forward. It’s been pointed out to just ignore them, in the past I’d have given a reply but now I know better.

 

[manfrombelow]

By the way, so you slept with her WITHOUT having sex with her? Man oh man, this is next level self-friendzoned.

Next time, you don't share the same bed and especially don't get naked with a woman that you're not going to fvck. That's totally weak, beta, and gay. I have nothing against gay people, but think about it, only a girl's gay friend would stay naked with her on the same bed without fvcking her brains out.

THINK about it.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I’d just heard from some other dating coaches in the past that sometimes ignoring messages like this was acknowledging she controlled ‘the frame’ and me not replying was an implicit acceptance of them.

Yes I hear that, however, it ONLY implies acceptance if you then accept it with your actions by continuing to act like you're friends with her and keep validating her. If you simply fade away or go no contact then clearly you aren't communicating to her that you are accepting it.

 

[Glassguy]

What advantage do you have by even responding to her?

 

[RyanMan]

@manfrombelow hey it wasn’t for lack of trying! She said she was really uncomfortable going any further than me going down on her / her giving me a BJ, which is what we did, because it was a first date and from what I could tell, she had a few hang-ups. I mean, we both came, she had an issue with going further and I wasn’t going to push the issue at the time (I’ve since found out she’s seeing a counsellor, so I’m glad I didn’t push it at the time!)

@oldmanofthesea yes! That’s what I was trying to figure out, if what I say matters or if it’s simply a matter of how I react. I thought there should be a certain way to react, but now I know I shouldn’t react at all. Thanks man!

Btw I feel I should also add we’d both been in contact the last few months and we were going to go out again, but got hampered on a third date by the pandemic. Then we both got seeing people this last month or so. I feel I should probably have mentioned this bit earlier!

@Glassguy considering we were going to go out a few months ago, then basically lost touch (as you can do) it was a bit of a surprise.

I had heard in the past saying ‘I’m not interested in being a friend’ & stating your intentions was the alpha way to be. But I wasn’t sure, & figured you guys would be able to advise me. And you have! Which has been great.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I don't understand, were you trying to establish some sort of side piece action with her? Like why would this be offensive?

How are you an orbiter if you have a girlfriend? Bro, this is a super bad look Hahaha

 

[manfrombelow]

@manfrombelow hey it wasn’t for lack of trying! She said she was really uncomfortable going any further than me going down on her / her giving me a BJ, which is what we did, because it was a first date and from what I could tell, she had a few hang-ups. I mean, we both came, she had an issue with going further and I wasn’t going to push the issue at the time (I’ve since found out she’s seeing a counsellor, so I’m glad I didn’t push it at the time!)

You are talking too much. How about you take some time to reflect the fact that you don't understand women enough to know that all girls have LMR (last-minute resistance) and ASD (anti-slut defense) that's why she said what she said, but you were too much of a pvssy to push through and fvck her properly when obviously she had given you the biggest greenlight in the history of all greenlights when she had already shared the same bed with you being totally naked?

All the excuses you have been making is BS. She gave you the opportunity to fvk her brains out but you didn't. That's what mattered. Nothing else mattered.

 

[RyanMan]

I don't understand, were you trying to establish some sort of side piece action with her? Like why would this be offensive?

How are you an orbiter if you have a girlfriend? Bro, this is a super bad look Hahaha

Haha! Not at all, this is another reason why I wasn’t sure how to word it (as I say I have Asperger’s, so I struggle to express myself clearly sometimes)

I don’t want to do anything with her at all now, because I’m with someone and so is she. I respect that.

It’s just if we both became single in the future, I didn’t want to **** things up by saying something inappropriate now.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Haha! Not at all, this is another reason why I wasn’t sure how to word it (as I say I have Asperger’s, so I struggle to express myself clearly sometimes)

I don’t want to do anything with her at all now, because I’m with someone and so is she. I respect that.

It’s just if we both became single in the future, I didn’t want to **** things up by saying something inappropriate now.

To be honest, you should rarely be commenting on the IG or FB of a woman, especially in public for others to see, it's just not a great look for you, makes you look simp or thirsty and your making your gf look equally bad lol so just keep to yourself, DM and Follow only unless you got a lot of confidence

 

[RyanMan]

You are talking too much. How about you take some time to reflect the fact that you don't understand women enough to know that all girls have LMR (last-minute resistance) and ASD (anti-slut defense) that's why she said what she said, but you were too much of a pvssy to push through and fvck her properly when obviously she had given you the biggest greenlight in the history of all greenlights when she shared the same bed with you being totally naked?

All the excuses you have been making is BS. She gave you the opportunity to fvk her brains out but you didn't. That's what mattered. Nothing else mattered.

Of course I don’t know enough about women, that’s why I’m here, to learn I thought that was obvious mate! I’m not sure what help saying I was a pvssy is though, I mean I know that I’m trying to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future!

@CAPSLOCK BANDIT we DM each other occasionally, it’s not in public. I’d commented on an IG story she had up & we had a brief chat in DMs. You’re totally right though,it can look bad (I’ve only been on a few dates with my current girl so it’s casual, but I am exclusive)

 

[BadBoy89]

.
I made a comment on something teasing her on IG DM’s earlier about how I was avoiding women (including her) for a while & she said “it’s fine, we’re just friends now!”

Now that’s fine, but I’ve no interest in being friends. I’m not bothered if we delete each other off social media etc, but I just want to know the best way of being upfront about this now? (and in the future, in case this ever comes up with a girl again)

What did you want her to say?