Too Many Men Do This: View sex as more than just a pleasurable activity

[Paper Crane]

I'm starting to realize a major problem a lot of men are having is that they see sex with a woman as something more than just a fun and pleasurable activity.
To them, it's like they think sex equates to a girl being obligated to you in some ways , (and to be fair, I was the same way in my thinking many "Bodies" ago. ) .

While its fair to feel like sex is a big deal and not be the type to have sex with a girl without there being more to the relationship.. you need to realize that theres a whole world of people who view sex, as just sex and nothing more.

I can't even relate to that premise anymore and find myself struggling with the concept of why men think of sex as this holy emotional thing that somehow got associated with feelings and ideals about the women, criticism and judgement of their personalities, etc.

I think it might be a combination of men who spend maybe a bit too much time with the girl without having sex with them-- causing it to feel like they are more personable with each other and thus leading to emotions .. maybe delving too deep into a womans life, who she is, where she came from, all her quirks and trying to understand her as a person.

While these are all great traits, these are the kind of things that lead to a girlfriend or a friendship as well. That's when things get weird of course for many people, myself included. I mean I can't tell you how many chicks I fell for in my past who were just fwb's. But what I do know about those specific girls was, I was spending a lot of time with them.

Don't fret tho.. the more you start getting laid-- the more you start seperating sex and emotions.. and all that other sh.t It even helps to find a girl that you know isn't the type you would or could ever fall for.. and guess what, women do the same when they look for a sex partner thats strictly for sex/pleasure..

and yes after a whle you start realizing theres things about women that make them quite simple and easily manipulated into sex if they have some sort of attraction to you-- but that shouldn't make you cynical abou t women.. that should make u want to make some more women friends so that u can explore the other side of them thats not just sexual and emotional and based on romance and passion

at the end of the day, with women, what you reap is what you sow.. so be careful what you attract with your mindset. dont want to end up being one of those dudes who keeps attracting girls who fulfill his ideas about women if your ideas about women are f-ed up lol (happens to dudes who been in back to back toxic relationships and lacked self respect and self esteem to cut them off at the first few red flags)

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Interesting

 

[manfrombelow]

Interesting point of view. IMO it is not entirely wrong to assume sex equates to a girl being submissive. But only in that moment. Other than that, yeah men should start seeing sex no more than a pleasurable activity.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

From what I understand, our emphasis on Sex largely stems from the age at which we first have it, when we realize that there is an absolutely massive dopamine hit waiting for us; chasing that dopamine hit at a younger age, your bound to manifest more problematic behavior that you will... Revert back to, whenever confronted with your sexuality, as opposed to chasing that dopamine hit when your older and more conscious.

 

[Paper Crane]

From what I understand, our emphasis on Sex largely stems from the age at which we first have it, when we realize that there is an absolutely massive dopamine hit waiting for us; chasing that dopamine hit at a younger age, your bound to manifest more problematic behavior that you will... Revert back to, whenever confronted with your sexuality, as opposed to chasing that dopamine hit when your older and more conscious.

I think that's an important point to delve into.. I honestly can't say whether I know too much about that angle but I would believe that those of us who had sex earlier tend to mature earlier and be able to separate sex from all the other attachments like emotions and obligations than those of us who have started having sex later on in life.

For myself it was more lik e the more i had sex, the better i became at separating it and understanding it was just sex.. at that point it stopped bothering me when i found out or met other dudes who banged the same girl. i'd be able to relate to them and dap them up like haha niice broo on some eskimo brothers sht.

For women its not much different.. some women who meet a great sex partner will even introduce their closest friends to him so they can have some fun too. OFC its much different when its a relationship or a guy they have emotions for.

 

[Paper Crane]

Once you get your notches up beyond a certain level, sex becomes about power and ego.

Sex for pleasure is noobs-ville.

You totally missed the point of this thread.. Which was basically saying a bunch of dudes attach a lot more to sex than what it is.. and while sex does become a thing about power and ego for a lot of people, that can happen regardless of how many times you have sex.. sex is always about pleasure first, gratification. . "sex for pleasure is noobs-ville" sounds like something a teenager would say trying to stroke their own ego. Just not it breh

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Thing is once people separate sex from emotion (love for example) they create a rift in their psyche that is not always able to be reconciled.

This is a bigger deal than y’all realize. When men (or women for that matter) completely disassociate love from sex then the ability to bond deeply through physical intimacy is lost.

This strips away the wholeness that a relationship is supposed to have. Relationship s become fractured and compartmentalized…not good.

Emotional connection and bonding is a basic human need. Pleasure seeking behavior (whether it devolves into a power dynamic or not) falls short of meeting this emotional need.

That means that in time pleasure seeking becomes a meaningless pursuit and like an addict chasing a high the pleasure pursuit is but a short lived dopamine hit that then dissipates and drops the addict into a dark place full of darkness and depression because intelligent aware people realize that they are broken (from separation of love & sex) and may be beyond reparation.

Interestingly enough these people will seek emotional bonds in other relationships. I am very close friends for example with men who have a profile as above. The relationships are not sexual but fill an emotional need through the friendship…really these are men who need an intimate partner relationship but have no idea how to accomplish this.

I at one point did date one of these men who was already very close to me emotionally. He fell in love quickly and then was confronted with his own deep visceral fear of intimacy; he was terrified of getting hurt/betrayed (as he had been wrecked by a past relationship)…and he eventually threw the interaction away. He was too deep, to involved. Could not handle it despite his insistence that he would never toss the friendship. He remains screwed up over it. I am seeing someone else and he cannot deal. And I played by his rules. He got his heart broken because of his denial about how he felt; how deeply he felt, and the relationship could have healed him. He couldn’t do it.

I have never pulled sex and love apart. That means I am more careful about getting involved…and it also means that my sexuality reveals itself over time…rather than being a freak from the jump. My interactions build depth and connection and sexual connection in a compounding way. Men who are used to getting laid with ease & pumping/dumping women cannot understand what is happening at first. By the time they realize it they are emotionally invested and it sneaks up on them. Freaks them right out.

In time the majority of men start seeking a more meaningful interaction. They tire of the emptiness of conquest after conquest once the body count is into the hundreds…

But they still have to reconcile whatever the root pain source is in their lives. That confrontation can be too painful.

And back to pursuit of pleasure they go, becoming more debased through time.

 

[allergictobs]

Advice from the old lady:

I've listened to your advice on this board before, so I'm not trying to be a **** when I disagree with what you wrote here.

This is a bigger deal than y’all realize. When men (or women for that matter) completely disassociate love from sex then the ability to bond deeply through physical intimacy is lost.

This strips away the wholeness that a relationship is supposed to have. Relationship s become fractured and compartmentalized…not good.

I'm amazed by your take on this. I mean, you have been on this forum for years and have lived on this planet for over 50 years. Men and women do not view sex in the same way. Sex to men is more like eating or drinking.

Men often don't have sex for emotional connection or have any deeper feelings towards the woman. Men are turned on by the sight of a naked female body. She doesn't even have to be fully naked. Heck, show me a bit of skin and I'm ready to go.

Emotional connection and bonding is a basic human need. Pleasure seeking behavior (whether it devolves into a power dynamic or not) falls short of meeting this emotional need.

That means that in time pleasure seeking becomes a meaningless pursuit and like an addict chasing a high the pleasure pursuit is but a short lived dopamine hit that then dissipates and drops the addict into a dark place full of darkness and depression because intelligent aware people realize that they are broken (from separation of love & sex) and may be beyond reparation.

When you are hungry and you eat, you are effectively seeking pleasure. Is hunger an addiction?

Again, men can separate sex and emotions. I realize that this may be difficult to understand, but most men just need a release and afterwards they feel just fine. After sex, the feeling is often relaxed and the thought process goes: "Ahh, now that's done and my mind is clear, what do I want to do next?"

Interestingly enough these people will seek emotional bonds in other relationships. I am very close friends for example with men who have a profile as above. The relationships are not sexual but fill an emotional need through the friendship…really these are men who need an intimate partner relationship but have no idea how to accomplish this.

It's more like this: The sexual relationship was formed because she was physically attractive. Sometimes (rarely) the emotional need is fulfilled with the same person, and that is awesome when it happens. But more often, the emotional connection needs to be found elsewhere.

In time the majority of men start seeking a more meaningful interaction. They tire of the emptiness of conquest after conquest once the body count is into the hundreds…

The majority of men do not have conquests. They would if they could have them.

Stats show (roughly, I'm pulling these off the top of my head):

• In 2018, roughly 33% of men in the USA stay virgins until at least age 30 (this figure has tripled from a decade ago)
• The next roughly 50% of men "get lucky" and have 1-3 partners during their life time.
• The top 10-20% of men have some conquests, but most still have less than 20
• The top 1% of men may have more than 20 partners in their life time

(The top here does not mean the best men, but the most sexually active men.)

But they still have to reconcile whatever the root pain source is in their lives. That confrontation can be too painful.

I've wanted to have sex since I was a teenager. Some 20 years later, that same primitive desire is still driving my behavior regarding women. Yes, a relationship with an emotional connection can be wonderful, but before getting there, sex (without emotional connection) is the driving force.

 

[Epimanes]

I prefer the emotional connection.... if there is none... I can take it or leave it... actually prefer not having sex if there is no emotional connection.

I tried the whole one night stand to get my rocks off.. it just wasn't there for me. I don't need to chase women to get laid... nor do I want to...

Current woman chases me and that is preferred.

Sex.... I once was starved of it.. and now... I can take it or leave it. Guess maybe I'm just old... jaded... or mature now.. I dunno lol.. regardless I need more than sex in my relationship. I don't have the desire to go around and be wreckless with other people's hearts...

Epi...

 

[Barrister]

I've listened to your advice on this board before, so I'm not trying to be a **** when I disagree with what you wrote here.



I'm amazed by your take on this. I mean, you have been on this forum for years and have lived on this planet for over 50 years. Men and women do not view sex in the same way. Sex to men is more like eating or drinking.

Men often don't have sex for emotional connection or have any deeper feelings towards the woman. Men are turned on by the sight of a naked female body. She doesn't even have to be fully naked. Heck, show me a bit of skin and I'm ready to go.



When you are hungry and you eat, you are effectively seeking pleasure. Is hunger an addiction?

Again, men can separate sex and emotions. I realize that this may be difficult to understand, but most men just need a release and afterwards they feel just fine. After sex, the feeling is often relaxed and the thought process goes: "Ahh, now that's done and my mind is clear, what do I want to do next?"



It's more like this: The sexual relationship was formed because she was physically attractive. Sometimes (rarely) the emotional need is fulfilled with the same person, and that is awesome when it happens. But more often, the emotional connection needs to be found elsewhere.



The majority of men do not have conquests. They would if they could have them.

Stats show (roughly, I'm pulling these off the top of my head):

• In 2018, roughly 33% of men in the USA stay virgins until at least age 30 (this figure has tripled from a decade ago)
• The next roughly 50% of men "get lucky" and have 1-3 partners during their life time.
• The top 10-20% of men have some conquests, but most still have less than 20
• The top 1% of men may have more than 20 partners in their life time

(The top here does not mean the best men, but the most sexually active men.)



I've wanted to have sex since I was a teenager. Some 20 years later, that same primitive desire is still driving my behavior regarding women. Yes, a relationship with an emotional connection can be wonderful, but before getting there, sex (without emotional connection) is the driving force.

There's more than one way for a man to approach sex. For me, I have had ONSs before that have been hot and steamy. Physically it checked all of the boxes. But afterwards I wondered why I even bothered and I had a bit of an empty feeling. I have also been in LTRs where when the relationship was very healthy and was adding value to my life the sex was some of the best I have had because of the emotional closeness that one can experience with it even if the sex itself otherwise wasn't crazy.

Point being: I agree men can separate the two. I disagree with your blanket statement that men do not have sex for the emotional connection. They do in certain situations.

 

[allergictobs]

I disagree with your blanket statement that men do not have sex for the emotional connection. They do in certain situations.

Well, I did write "men often don't have sex for emotional connection". I too acknowledge that they sometimes do.

For me, emotional connection happens more through conversations and sharing views. People are different, but I still maintain that most men probably share my view on this.

By the way, there is an important difference between "having sex for emotional connection" and "experiencing emotional connection while having sex".

 

[Barrister]

Sex by itself will not create emotional connection. I agree with you that it takes other things occurring to form an emotional connection. However, once that connection is present, it can enhance sex by a wide margin and the sex can in fact augment the connection itself.

 

[BadBoy89]

Interestingly enough these people will seek emotional bonds in other relationships. I am very close friends for example with men who have a profile as above. The relationships are not sexual but fill an emotional need through the friendship…really these are men who need an intimate partner relationship but have no idea how to accomplish this.

Just wondering, do you have female friends, or are most of your friendships with men?

 

[speed dawg]

Advice from the old lady:

Thing is once people separate sex from emotion (love for example) they create a rift in their psyche that is not always able to be reconciled.

This is a bigger deal than y’all realize. When men (or women for that matter) completely disassociate love from sex then the ability to bond deeply through physical intimacy is lost.

This strips away the wholeness that a relationship is supposed to have. Relationship s become fractured and compartmentalized…not good.

Emotional connection and bonding is a basic human need. Pleasure seeking behavior (whether it devolves into a power dynamic or not) falls short of meeting this emotional need.

That means that in time pleasure seeking becomes a meaningless pursuit and like an addict chasing a high the pleasure pursuit is but a short lived dopamine hit that then dissipates and drops the addict into a dark place full of darkness and depression because intelligent aware people realize that they are broken (from separation of love & sex) and may be beyond reparation.

Interestingly enough these people will seek emotional bonds in other relationships. I am very close friends for example with men who have a profile as above. The relationships are not sexual but fill an emotional need through the friendship…really these are men who need an intimate partner relationship but have no idea how to accomplish this.

I at one point did date one of these men who was already very close to me emotionally. He fell in love quickly and then was confronted with his own deep visceral fear of intimacy; he was terrified of getting hurt/betrayed (as he had been wrecked by a past relationship)…and he eventually threw the interaction away. He was too deep, to involved. Could not handle it despite his insistence that he would never toss the friendship. He remains screwed up over it. I am seeing someone else and he cannot deal. And I played by his rules. He got his heart broken because of his denial about how he felt; how deeply he felt, and the relationship could have healed him. He couldn’t do it.

I have never pulled sex and love apart. That means I am more careful about getting involved…and it also means that my sexuality reveals itself over time…rather than being a freak from the jump. My interactions build depth and connection and sexual connection in a compounding way. Men who are used to getting laid with ease & pumping/dumping women cannot understand what is happening at first. By the time they realize it they are emotionally invested and it sneaks up on them. Freaks them right out.

In time the majority of men start seeking a more meaningful interaction. They tire of the emptiness of conquest after conquest once the body count is into the hundreds…

But they still have to reconcile whatever the root pain source is in their lives. That confrontation can be too painful.

And back to pursuit of pleasure they go, becoming more debased through time.

I never agree with this poster. Personally I don't know why she's here, as I don't frequent any female forums. But I digress.....

I do think she has a point here. Obviously she's coming from the female POV, but there is no doubt that sex has an emotional component, even for men. It's much smaller than for women, but it's there, and it's from a different motivation too, but I don't want to get into that now. If you disassociate it fully, you get into this territory:

Once you get your notches up beyond a certain level, sex becomes about power and ego.

Sex for pleasure is noobs-ville.

This is dangerous territory, and can lead to many bad things. If an incel were to take this POV, and then combine it with the idea that he can't get women on his own, then he will forcibly do it, and it's called RAPE.

Small things lead to bigger things.

 

[BeExcellent]

No worries @allergictobs its a worthwhile discussion to be sure. I do not expect lockstep agreement…just sharing what I observe in men I know.

My set of experience is kinda of unique for a number of reasons. Because I’m older the men that I am close to are also older and less driven by physiological urgency (although they still desire sex but it’s not hard on that twists your brain every time the wind blows sort of thing)…so the physical urgency is more controlled.

Both men and women are capable of splitting out sex and love. I know women who have done this in one of my social circles. They are really damaged but they are very sexy, very sexual. Men want to smash them and they have scary kill counts. But the men pump & dump them (and they frankly will sport fvck men too)…Ugh.

The men I know well are VERY experienced with women. Players & playboys, many of whom have body counts into the hundreds…a couple who are around 1000…that’s essentially the ability to get laid at will. So sex is a complete commodity for these men. Sex is easily obtained…emotional connection is not, and that is a function in part of how easily sex is obtained.

What happens to men who can get laid at will is that sex becomes meaningless in the sense of creating connection. I mean you can love soccer and play soccer every day and get your workout and your physical exertion there…but you aren’t falling in love with and connecting with your teammates.

So you can love soccer but be devoid of love in your personal life. Same can be true of sex. The men I know are not 30 year old virgins. They are swimming in pvssy. They are operators. It’s a very specific subset of men.

Remember I married a nightclub owner in a major nightclub city worldwide. I have been around men with this profile for decades, and know a number of player archetype men for decades. So I’ve observed the whole cycle. In the end sex becomes secondary to connection. Humans need closeness and love. Humans desire companionship and to feel understood. This need rises to a higher priority than lust after a while. But I do think it is a function of age and life experience…

The other thing that boogers it up for these men is the paradox of choice. Too much choice leads to the conclusion that there is always a bigger better deal out there somewhere, which is the same phenomena that makes beautiful women so fickle.

 

[BeExcellent]

Just wondering, do you have female friends, or are most of your friendships with men?

I have close friendships with both men and women. Many are friendships in excess of 10 years, some are as tenured as 30+ years.

I grew up close to my father (a leader of men) in a neighborhood that had no girls but about 15 boys in the neighboring houses. My father didn’t have any sons so I as the oldest was helping build stuff, cut wood, fix cars, find tools, hunted, shot guns, fished, watched sports and so on. My playmates were boys. Building forts, playing ball, catching tadpoles, riding bikes. I was a tomboy growing up.

I had a lot to learn about how to be a girl and that was an adjustment that took years in my youth and into college. So I am unusually naturally attenuated to men because of my upbringing. That attenuation has served me well.

 

[Epimanes]

I have close friendships with both men and women. Many are friendships in excess of 10 years, some are as tenured as 30+ years.

I grew up close to my father (a leader of men) in a neighborhood that had no girls but about 15 boys in the neighboring houses. My father didn’t have any sons so I as the oldest was helping build stuff, cut wood, fix cars, find tools, hunted, shot guns, fished, watched sports and so on. My playmates were boys. Building forts, playing ball, catching tadpoles, riding bikes. I was a tomboy growing up.

I had a lot to learn about how to be a girl and that was an adjustment that took years in my youth and into college. So I am unusually naturally attenuated to men because of my upbringing. That attenuation has served me well.

Hey... you sound like my kinda lady lol...

 

[Black Widow Void]

I have close friendships with both men and women. Many are friendships in excess of 10 years, some are as tenured as 30+ years.

I grew up close to my father (a leader of men) in a neighborhood that had no girls but about 15 boys in the neighboring houses. My father didn’t have any sons so I as the oldest was helping build stuff, cut wood, fix cars, find tools, hunted, shot guns, fished, watched sports and so on. My playmates were boys. Building forts, playing ball, catching tadpoles, riding bikes. I was a tomboy growing up.

I had a lot to learn about how to be a girl and that was an adjustment that took years in my youth and into college. So I am unusually naturally attenuated to men because of my upbringing. That attenuation has served me well.

Judging from some of your postings, i get the impression that you don't commit to possessive or jealous type men, but the more masculine type man. These type of men aren't likely to have a lot of platonic female chums. I'm thinking that they might find your friend-base a little peculiar. What's been their typical reaction? I ask for a particular personal-related reason.

 

[BeExcellent]

Judging from some of your postings, i get the impression that you don't commit to possessive or jealous type men, but the more masculine type man. These type of men aren't likely to have a lot of platonic female chums. I'm thinking that they might find your friend-base a little peculiar. What's been their typical reaction? I ask for a particular personal-related reason.

I shall respond via DM so as not to derail the thread.

 

[manfrombelow]

The best thing about being a man is the innate ability to actually SEPERATE sex from emotion. Just like the worst thing about being a woman is the innate inability to do the same.

This is what it has always been, and will aways be, whether you like it or not.

And most importantly, I never take relationship advices from women, ever, no matter who they are and no matter how old they are.