Help - oneitis/getting too attached

[Realthangpoon]

Hey all

Long time lurker/first time poster here.

I’ve been seeing this girl for about 3 months now and I need some advice. It’s all going well - we have the same interests, her interest level is high, submissive etc. but I feel like I’m losing frame here. I’m 27, she’s 31 (yes I know).

She’s a quality girl, the kind that can genuinely spark up a room and partly because of that she’s good in the marketplace. I know guys still hit her up and it doesn’t bother me (think I passed every **** test there is) but what happened yesterday is still stuck in my head. Not per se what she did, but my own internal reaction. A guy she briefly used to date hit her up to have a threesome with a girl he’s currently dating. She told me that she’s been bicurious for a while and she wanted to know my thoughts on the treesome. I told her that if she wants to do it that she should just do it and that we can do what we want because we haven’t agreed to anything as we’re not exclusive. Then I felt she kinda regretted mentioning it (**** test?) and she also that she’d appreciate it if I told her I had sex with other people. Then she went on to tell me that it would be a way better idea to just have a threesome between her and a second girl we picked (what am I even complaining about here right).

Even though it might’ve been a **** test, the thought of her ****ing some other guy (even in a threesome) made me jealous which normally never happens to me, which leads me to concluding that I’m waaay too emotionally invested. At the same time I just know she’s also into me and I don’t wanna lose frame as this could be relationship material. I know this is the wrong way to think but I’m very much into her and I can’t help being a soft little b*tch at the moment.

I’m not spinning any plates atm (difficult with covid and tbh I’ve had it for a while, just not into it) so that’s also why I’m losing frame and gett

My plan is to get more distance (physically when I’m with her + texting etc.), to keep the dates light and to focus on my goals again. Yesterday she told me that ‘last year all guys fell in love with me but I didn’t love them back’: she likes her freedom just as I do so being needy is a sure way to drive her off.

Anyway I know I’m not operating from
the right mindset here so please slap some sense into me and give me advice. Although she’s been very good I’d also like to hear if you think the threesome and mentioning previous guys she dated are red flags. She’s mentioned a few now (like 3-4) and I didn’t used to think it were red flags but now I’m not sure why she’d keep
mentioning it.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

You should spin more plates dude. One is not enough.
Read The rational male too by Rollo Tomassi if you're total new to this. It's a good entry point imo.

 

[Realthangpoon]

Thanks for the advice PowerQuest, I’ve read the rational male a few times but maybe it’s time to reread.

Tbh I just got tired of spinning plates lately. I can get laid though that’s not the problem, I’m just tired of manwhoring around for now. Ofcourse the key to keep getting laid is spinning plates but I’ve been having some morality issues with it.

 

[Bigpapa]

I think that she was hinting that she wants to be exclusive , just that she wanted to do it by outframing you

it is normal to feel jealous if you like the girl , so it is nothing unnatural about what you felt

 

[Kotaix]

This is all in your head. The more you think about it and the more butthurt you get over it, the more frame you're going to lose and the more oneitis you'll have.

It sounds like she's really into you and she doesn't want other men, hence her wanting to do a threesome with you and another woman. I've been in the same situation with my current gf. I know that she sometimes thinks about having a threesome while we're having sex, but it's not something that I'm particularly interested in.

Ask yourself, are you the alpha that would widow her if you left her? Because it sounds like a yes to me. She's older than you and she still wants to be exclusive with you.

Do you want an LTR at some point? You're still young, but at some point you need to pick one and call it good.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

manwhoring

No such thing as a manwh'ore; We guys are born to bang by nature everything female that moves on two legs lol

 

[Realthangpoon]

I think that she was hinting that she wants to be exclusive , just that she wanted to do it by outframing you

it is normal to feel jealous if you like the girl , so it is nothing unnatural about what you felt

Yeah I think that might be. Yesterday she started asking a question and after a pause and me asking 'what' she said 'never mind'. She's done that 2-3 times now, I think the question of exclusivity is on her lips and she almost can't help herself but her pride is still in the way. There's no way I'm asking that question though, I want to start a relationship in a strong frame, my frame.

This is all in your head. The more you think about it and the more butthurt you get over it, the more frame you're going to lose and the more oneitis you'll have.

It sounds like she's really into you and she doesn't want other men, hence her wanting to do a threesome with you and another woman. I've been in the same situation with my current gf. I know that she sometimes thinks about having a threesome while we're having sex, but it's not something that I'm particularly interested in.

Ask yourself, are you the alpha that would widow her if you left her? Because it sounds like a yes to me. She's older than you and she still wants to be exclusive with you.

Do you want an LTR at some point? You're still young, but at some point you need to pick one and call it good.

I think I would be the one alpha widowing her, yes.

About her age, sometimes I think women are delusional. She keeps telling me she wants her freedom and 10 minutes later she says 'when I get kids...'. It's not like she has 10 more years to get kids.

I'd want another LTR. My first and last ended in 2016 (we were highschool sweethearts and I dated her from 17 to 22, in hindsight that's insane but I don't regret it because she was fantastic). In those 5 years I decided to work on myself and in the last 3 I had some catching up to do with women. I've basically been spinning plates until a girl that was good came along and I see this in her.

No such thing as a manwh'ore; We guys are born to bang by nature everything female that moves on two legs lol

We have a saying here: as long as it has a pulse!

 

[Bigpapa]

Yeah I think that might be. Yesterday she started asking a question and after a pause and me asking 'what' she said 'never mind'. She's done that 2-3 times now, I think the question of exclusivity is on her lips and she almost can't help herself but her pride is still in the way. There's no way I'm asking that question though, I want to start a relationship in a strong frame, my frame.

Just keep in mind if that she is stubborned she might auto reject , to protect her ego

if you are ok with the possibility of loosing her due to a who is more stubborn game , then play it . Otherwise , play it more safe

 

[Realthangpoon]

Just keep in mind if that she is stubborned she might auto reject , to protect her ego

if you are ok with the possibility of loosing her due to a who is more stubborn game , then play it . Otherwise , play it more safe

Then what is the safer option? Straight up asking or having an open convo about it?

 

[Lookatu]

Tbh I just got tired of spinning plates lately. I can get laid though that’s not the problem, I’m just tired of manwhoring around for now. Ofcourse the key to keep getting laid is spinning plates but I’ve been having some morality issues with it.

Against the general SS thinking here, there is nothing wrong with wanting an LTR however you have to be really good at screening for the right girl and if you are in a LTR mindset, not wasting your time on ones that don't fit the bill or don't have potential.

Right now it sounds like this girl isn't it considering she brought up previous BF's and wanting to do threesomes with them and also holding back info for things she wanted to say or express. These don't add up to a quality girl that you'd want a LTR with.

So two options:
1.) Keep her as a plate but learn to dumb down or keep out your emotional side/investment into it. And use the opportunity to get a threesome going with another girl. Look for other girls in the meantime as well.

2.) If she's taking up too much of your time or eating away at your mind too much where you can't control it, break it off so you can have the time and opportunity to go after high value girls with relationship potential instead.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Just keep in mind if that she is stubborned she might auto reject , to protect her ego

if you are ok with the possibility of loosing her due to a who is more stubborn game , then play it . Otherwise , play it more safe

In my opinion your frame and mindset should always be that there door is right there cross the hall... Meaning that you are always willing to at any given time, to let the chick out the door and she should know this clearly explained from you that this is going down if she doesn't submit to your frame and standards.

Example:

• If she is disrespectful to you = out the door
  If she cheats on you = out the door
  If she flakes on you = out the door etc.

My 5 cents tho

 

[Toddz]

Although she’s been very good I’d also like to hear if you think the threesome and mentioning previous guys she dated are red flags. She’s mentioned a few now (like 3-4) and I didn’t used to think it were red flags but now I’m not sure why she’d keep
mentioning it.

Yes red flags if she keeps mentioning previous guys she dated. Any normal woman would want to keep her past dating life exactly where it is, in the past. The fact that she is bringing it up is pretty disrespectful to you. Obviously you don't want to hear about it and she knows it too. Where you go from here is up to you.

One woman I dated did this and I almost immediately lost all attraction to her. Everything was great but then she brought up something about an ex and it was like a light switch with her. I was completely turned off and within a few weeks ended it.

 

[Baibars]

Hey all

Long time lurker/first time poster here.

I’ve been seeing this girl for about 3 months now and I need some advice. It’s all going well - we have the same interests, her interest level is high, submissive etc. but I feel like I’m losing frame here. I’m 27, she’s 31 (yes I know).

She’s a quality girl, the kind that can genuinely spark up a room and partly because of that she’s good in the marketplace. I know guys still hit her up and it doesn’t bother me (think I passed every **** test there is) but what happened yesterday is still stuck in my head. Not per se what she did, but my own internal reaction. A guy she briefly used to date hit her up to have a threesome with a girl he’s currently dating. She told me that she’s been bicurious for a while and she wanted to know my thoughts on the treesome. I told her that if she wants to do it that she should just do it and that we can do what we want because we haven’t agreed to anything as we’re not exclusive. Then I felt she kinda regretted mentioning it (**** test?) and she also that she’d appreciate it if I told her I had sex with other people. Then she went on to tell me that it would be a way better idea to just have a threesome between her and a second girl we picked (what am I even complaining about here right).

Even though it might’ve been a **** test, the thought of her ****ing some other guy (even in a threesome) made me jealous which normally never happens to me, which leads me to concluding that I’m waaay too emotionally invested. At the same time I just know she’s also into me and I don’t wanna lose frame as this could be relationship material. I know this is the wrong way to think but I’m very much into her and I can’t help being a soft little b*tch at the moment.

I’m not spinning any plates atm (difficult with covid and tbh I’ve had it for a while, just not into it) so that’s also why I’m losing frame and gett

My plan is to get more distance (physically when I’m with her + texting etc.), to keep the dates light and to focus on my goals again. Yesterday she told me that ‘last year all guys fell in love with me but I didn’t love them back: she likes her freedom just as I do so being needy is a sure way to drive her off.

Anyway I know I’m not operating from
the right mindset here so please slap some sense into me and give me advice. Although she’s been very good I’d also like to hear if you think the threesome and mentioning previous guys she dated are red flags. She’s mentioned a few now (like 3-4) and I didn’t used to think it were red flags but now I’m not sure why she’d keep
mentioning it.

Ok you've been seing her for three months. How many other options do you have? The fact that you post about her implies that you have none to few options.

She is no quality girl as @LARaiders85 already said. How do you even define a quality girl? That's definitely not one.

You put way too much thought into a post wall girl that is plate material at best!! You're jealous and emotionally invested because you probably have no other options and you're mindset isn't right.

Of course the things she mentioned are red flags. But what are you looking for? Do you want to wife her up or what? As i said she's plate material at best.
It seems like you know the answers why do you even ask here then? Maybe you don't want to accept the cold hard truth or maybe you need to feel it to believe it.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Hey all

Long time lurker/first time poster here.

I’ve been seeing this girl for about 3 months now and I need some advice. It’s all going well - we have the same interests, her interest level is high, submissive etc. but I feel like I’m losing frame here. I’m 27, she’s 31 (yes I know).

She’s a quality girl, the kind that can genuinely spark up a room and partly because of that she’s good in the marketplace. I know guys still hit her up and it doesn’t bother me (think I passed every **** test there is) but what happened yesterday is still stuck in my head. Not per se what she did, but my own internal reaction. A guy she briefly used to date hit her up to have a threesome with a girl he’s currently dating. She told me that she’s been bicurious for a while and she wanted to know my thoughts on the treesome. I told her that if she wants to do it that she should just do it and that we can do what we want because we haven’t agreed to anything as we’re not exclusive. Then I felt she kinda regretted mentioning it (**** test?) and she also that she’d appreciate it if I told her I had sex with other people. Then she went on to tell me that it would be a way better idea to just have a threesome between her and a second girl we picked (what am I even complaining about here right).

Even though it might’ve been a **** test, the thought of her ****ing some other guy (even in a threesome) made me jealous which normally never happens to me, which leads me to concluding that I’m waaay too emotionally invested. At the same time I just know she’s also into me and I don’t wanna lose frame as this could be relationship material. I know this is the wrong way to think but I’m very much into her and I can’t help being a soft little b*tch at the moment.

I’m not spinning any plates atm (difficult with covid and tbh I’ve had it for a while, just not into it) so that’s also why I’m losing frame and gett

My plan is to get more distance (physically when I’m with her + texting etc.), to keep the dates light and to focus on my goals again. Yesterday she told me that ‘last year all guys fell in love with me but I didn’t love them back’: she likes her freedom just as I do so being needy is a sure way to drive her off.

Anyway I know I’m not operating from
the right mindset here so please slap some sense into me and give me advice. Although she’s been very good I’d also like to hear if you think the threesome and mentioning previous guys she dated are red flags. She’s mentioned a few now (like 3-4) and I didn’t used to think it were red flags but now I’m not sure why she’d keep
mentioning it.

If you've been consistently seeing her for 3 months, that's actually a long time in this day and age. If you're not technically exclusive, she can do whatever she wants with no ramifications. But you can too. That's the way it works. If it were me, I would counter with "Funny you bring this up, I've been fantasizing about this too. If you want to have a threesome, I'll find another girl and we can do it. Or, you can hit up one of your hot friends." One thing you need to realize it now that she's brought it up, she'll likely do it. Maybe she'll tell you maybe she won't.

Based on my experience, women are like this are never good prospects for a gf or LTR. Many reasons, but they're just not. I certainly wouldn't go all in on her, but have some fun and keep you eye out for someone who's more inclined to actually try and have a successful relationship, if that's what you want. Many women out there do. I cannot see how having threesomes with other partners and other guys sticking their d*ck in her will strengthen anything you've built with her. It would really lower my opinion of her if I were dating her, like my d*ck wasn't enough for her. But, if she's hot and I had nothing else going on, I'd keep her around as a f*ck toy and that's it.

Good luck.

 

[Barrister]

Hey all

Long time lurker/first time poster here.

I’ve been seeing this girl for about 3 months now and I need some advice. It’s all going well - we have the same interests, her interest level is high, submissive etc. but I feel like I’m losing frame here. I’m 27, she’s 31 (yes I know).

She’s a quality girl, the kind that can genuinely spark up a room and partly because of that she’s good in the marketplace. I know guys still hit her up and it doesn’t bother me (think I passed every **** test there is) but what happened yesterday is still stuck in my head. Not per se what she did, but my own internal reaction. A guy she briefly used to date hit her up to have a threesome with a girl he’s currently dating. She told me that she’s been bicurious for a while and she wanted to know my thoughts on the treesome. I told her that if she wants to do it that she should just do it and that we can do what we want because we haven’t agreed to anything as we’re not exclusive. Then I felt she kinda regretted mentioning it (**** test?) and she also that she’d appreciate it if I told her I had sex with other people. Then she went on to tell me that it would be a way better idea to just have a threesome between her and a second girl we picked (what am I even complaining about here right).

Even though it might’ve been a **** test, the thought of her ****ing some other guy (even in a threesome) made me jealous which normally never happens to me, which leads me to concluding that I’m waaay too emotionally invested. At the same time I just know she’s also into me and I don’t wanna lose frame as this could be relationship material. I know this is the wrong way to think but I’m very much into her and I can’t help being a soft little b*tch at the moment.

I’m not spinning any plates atm (difficult with covid and tbh I’ve had it for a while, just not into it) so that’s also why I’m losing frame and gett

My plan is to get more distance (physically when I’m with her + texting etc.), to keep the dates light and to focus on my goals again. Yesterday she told me that ‘last year all guys fell in love with me but I didn’t love them back’: she likes her freedom just as I do so being needy is a sure way to drive her off.

Anyway I know I’m not operating from
the right mindset here so please slap some sense into me and give me advice. Although she’s been very good I’d also like to hear if you think the threesome and mentioning previous guys she dated are red flags. She’s mentioned a few now (like 3-4) and I didn’t used to think it were red flags but now I’m not sure why she’d keep
mentioning it.

Couple things:

1. Women who are older than you will tend to test your frame more than women who are younger. They automatically assume they know better and are more experienced (even if they aren’t) in almost all things which makes it more difficult to lead as the man. Keep this in mind if you’re considering an LTR as you will have a lot of frustration.

2. A threesome is typically not a good idea for a LTR (and I realize you’re not in one now but you think this could head that way). If you’re going to do it, make sure you’re giving most of your attention to your woman. If you’re just screwing the 2nd woman and/or busting in her and not your LTR, this is going to be a problem for you down the road regardless of how much she says she wants the threesome.

My two cents.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Only for z guy in a hurry
For the pretenders it is. Pretend to have abbundance so i can fool her for longer.
Every girl has this bro. Again you are full of shyt
Keep studying the SMP bro.

Obi Wan Kenobi of the Manosphere,

Nice post.

Only little men with little minds cut on a member's advice without offering any substantive ideas of their own.

Grow a pair.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

31 and quality

Op, quality woman is what your grandfather married at 18. Best yrs not post wall.

 

[Dash Riprock]

You have NOTHING

Lol, so easily riled...

Charming quality, I'm sure.

In 15 years, I've never blocked anyone on this site. I'd block you @stringpuller, but frankly you're not worth breaking my streak for. Though I certainly wouldn't miss your paranoid, overly-negative, misogynic posts. I think I speak for most of the board, too.

So you've replied 5 times now to my post with your rambling psychobabble in which I was simply offering OP some advice. Maybe you should talk this over with your counselor rather than airing your insecurities out on a message board for men, not the unhinged.

Good luck to you.

 

[Realthangpoon]

Thanks for slapping some sense into me lads. You’re right, I should spin more plates. I just set up a date with a different chick and I’ve got another one in the pipeline.

 

[Realthangpoon]

Hey guys,

Back with an update. About a month ago she asked for exclusivity. I declined on the base of her bringing up other guys, said I found it pretty disrespectful so I’d rather wait. A week later I said let’s go for it.

about 2 weeks later she kissed with some guy from work in an evening brainstorm with wine. He’d been chasing her for a while. She said she’d almost let it happen just to get it over with because he’d been chasing her (which is a weird ****ing way to think). Anyways she told me and I told her to leave and that we’re done. About 5 days later we met up and decided I’d give it another shot. She looked like **** and hadn’t slept well over it.

it’s been pretty good since then. She’s been submissive, giving me wakeup BJ’s, cooking etc. but that kiss has still been in my head and ****ing with my self esteem tbh, something I’ve never had befote. I’m also worried about her losing respect for me for coming back on my decision and me losing my self-respect. I think I should cut her loose but I dig her and all is going well lately.