Has anyone been successful in getting a woman to take responsibility for her own emotions in a relationship?

[oldmanofthesea]

One of the biggest challenges, really the only challenge I still seem to face in LTRs, is dealing with women blaming me for their emotions. I look back at my blue-pill relationships and I had that issue back then, and I look at my recent relationships now that I am much wiser, and I still have that issue now. While I do have more knowledge, confidence, and tools to deal with the situation, I am still struggling with it.

The basic symptom/situation is: Girlfriend feels anxious, angry, insecure, or some other negative emotion. Then girlfriend claims YOU are the cause of the emotion and then begins a "dialogue" with you about it, with the intention of getting you to do or change something in hopes that will "fix" her emotional issue.

Fake example: After a great weekend together and normal dialogue, everything fine, a conversation begins where she says, "I have been feeling extremely anxious all week. I was crying in the shower today. We need to talk." Then through subsequent discussion, turns out that her claimed source of anxiety is that I was "looking at my phone too much over the course of the weekend" which means that I must not like her.

This is just ONE of potentially countless examples. The bottom line is that, from my experience and observation, she doesn't actually know WHY she is experiencing the emotions - the emotions come first, and the justification/explanation for them is then sought out and she's simply taking stabs in the dark as to what the cause could be without ever really knowing for sure, and because she is closest to her man, she immediately assumes that something he is doing is the cause of her emotions. And this is literally ALL women I have ever dated.

I'm looking for two things here:
1. Input from you on whether you've been in relationships with women who don't blame you for all their negative emotions (I'm trying to understand if the consistent pattern I'm seeing is something specific with me and the kind of women I'm choosing to date long-term or if it's just literally 99% of women)
2. If you've found any way to get them to take responsibility for their emotions and stop blaming you.

As for #2, the best and really only thing I have found that helps is to:
1. Genuinely listen to them talk about their feelings
2. Ask questions so they know you care and are listening/understanding what they are saying (even if you don't agree)
3. Don't try to fix - just listen
4. If her conversation turns to her demanding or asking you to do something you don't want to do and don't think you need to do, then you listen, acknowledge that she wants that, but then explain YOUR feelings on the matter and stand your ground. An example of this might be (and this is a fake example): She is feeling insecure because you are still friends with an ex from 10 years ago on social media, even though you never talk to her any more or comment on her posts etc, yet she demands you block her. You know that this is obviously not the cause of her insecurity because it just doesn't make sense and you know that if you block her, she's just going to make additional demands later because she can't figure out and address the true root-cause of her insecurity and you will forever be taking BS orders from her that won't resolve the situation.

In my experience, the above helps a lot, but it doesn't totally solve it. The issues keep coming up and until she resolves her anxiety/insecurity/anger/whatever issues herself (and you can SUPPORT her of course, but you can't do anything that will fix it for her - like caving to her demands that won't actually help her), it's going to be a constant struggle. Since the end of my blue pill days, my long-term relationships always ultimately end with me nexting the girl over this issue. But the more it happens, the more I wonder if there is some magic tool/technique for helping her recognize and take ownership of her own emotions without blaming you and thinking you changing a bunch of things is going to resolve her emotional problems.

The other gotcha with all this is the "Well what are YOU working on? So you think it's all ME?" argument. I've found this happens when you start having deep discussions with her about her emotions and are able to (kindly) get her to admit and recognize that her emotions are HERS and that only SHE can resolve them, but that you are willing to work with her and help understand her and support her (even if that doesn't always mean doing or changing something about yourself that you don't want to and know won't resolve anything). So she then comes back at you with that whole "well I'm doing all this work and I'm trying to change, so you're saying it's all me and you're perfect? What are YOU going to work on?" I literally have no idea how to even respond to this. I'm a mature, easy-going guy, about to hit 45, have a good social life, good job, have faced my fears, had good success with women since discovering red pill, have spent the last five years focusing on self development and self-improvement reading countless books on these subjects and also relationships, and am not a narcissist or have any other crazy tendencies (that I'm aware of haha). I'm certainly open to whatever changes someone suggests to me but when it's just stupid sh*t like her claiming I was on my phone "too much" when I can go in and look at my screen time report and prove that I was on my phone no longer than she was, or <insert any other obviously bullsh*t demand here>, I see no solution. I'm an easy going guy looking for a moderate level of peace and enjoyment and literally every single issue in the relationship comes about from the woman's constant gripes/demands. I feel like responding with, "What exactly do you want me to work on when you are the one constantly complaining?" But that obviously never works.

 

[MoMoses]

The basic symptom/situation is: Girlfriend feels anxious, angry, insecure, or some other negative emotion. Then girlfriend claims YOU are the cause of the emotion and then begins a "dialogue" with you about it, with the intention of getting you to do or change something in hopes that will "fix" her emotional issue.

Women will often blame how they feel on you. It's wrong, but that's how things are. When you are aware of this you can do something about it. Your advice is solid as a rock man! Great job.

You see, most women are aware of the fact that they are acting difficult, but they do it anyway because they follow their emotions. It's your job as a man to make her feel good. Not that "happy wife, happy life" crap, but rather you leading her in such a way that she feels understood. Basicly what you were saying.

A simple trick to do this is to paraphrase what she is saying. You basicly repeat what she said and bounce it back at her. She will feel like you are hearing her and are understanding what she is saying. It's a simple psychological trick. Basic Corey Wayne advice btw.. he repeats this like 10 times in his fricking book he wants you to read 10 to 15 times..

Example:

She's acting biitchy for no reason, or at least that's how it feels like to you. Don't confront her and certainly don't ignore it. Ask her what's wrong (you will have to ask a few times because she will say it's "nothing" the first few times, we all know this means trouble). When she finally opens up and tell you you've been looking at your phone too much and weren't interested in her, then just repeat this.

"Ow, you feel I was looking at my phone too much? So you didn't feel I was into you anymore?"

It's way better than saying stuff like "no that's not true. I do. I'm still into you baby"

She won't believe or feel the latter, but will feel understood by you when you do the former. Crazy shiit, I know, but it really works! Corey Wayne is such a smart man.

After this she will normally calm a bit down and you can really talk about it and improve her mood. Stay centered and try to put a smile on her face. Her attraction for you will sky rocket and the make up sex after this will be incredible

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I don't get them to do it. I try to select the ones who do. Have a pretty decent track record, with a couple of misreads.

So you've indirectly answered my question: Do they exist. Seems you feel the answer is yes. So I guess that means I just haven't found them, because I DO try to select for this but for me, it's like saying I'm selecting for blue apples - I keep looking and just don't seem to find them.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

That's the whole point you are missing. It's an EMOTIONAL reaction to something you are doing/not doing.

So of course they are going to blame you. If it was a logical reaction they would sit down and think about it and realize it wasn't really your fault.

They are basically telling you "This is how you make me feel when you do X". Then it is up to you what you do with the info.

This would be like you asking "Has anyone taken gotten their car to take responsibility for requiring fuel?"

 

[Modern Man Advice]

One of the biggest challenges, really the only challenge I still seem to face in LTRs, is dealing with women blaming me for their emotions. I look back at my blue-pill relationships and I had that issue back then, and I look at my recent relationships now that I am much wiser, and I still have that issue now. While I do have more knowledge, confidence, and tools to deal with the situation, I am still struggling with it.

The basic symptom/situation is: Girlfriend feels anxious, angry, insecure, or some other negative emotion. Then girlfriend claims YOU are the cause of the emotion and then begins a "dialogue" with you about it, with the intention of getting you to do or change something in hopes that will "fix" her emotional issue.

Fake example: After a great weekend together and normal dialogue, everything fine, a conversation begins where she says, "I have been feeling extremely anxious all week. I was crying in the shower today. We need to talk." Then through subsequent discussion, turns out that her claimed source of anxiety is that I was "looking at my phone too much over the course of the weekend" which means that I must not like her.

This is just ONE of potentially countless examples. The bottom line is that, from my experience and observation, she doesn't actually know WHY she is experiencing the emotions - the emotions come first, and the justification/explanation for them is then sought out and she's simply taking stabs in the dark as to what the cause could be without ever really knowing for sure, and because she is closest to her man, she immediately assumes that something he is doing is the cause of her emotions. And this is literally ALL women I have ever dated.

I'm looking for two things here:
1. Input from you on whether you've been in relationships with women who don't blame you for all their negative emotions (I'm trying to understand if the consistent pattern I'm seeing is something specific with me and the kind of women I'm choosing to date long-term or if it's just literally 99% of women)
2. If you've found any way to get them to take responsibility for their emotions and stop blaming you.

As for #2, the best and really only thing I have found that helps is to:
1. Genuinely listen to them talk about their feelings
2. Ask questions so they know you care and are listening/understanding what they are saying (even if you don't agree)
3. Don't try to fix - just listen
4. If her conversation turns to her demanding or asking you to do something you don't want to do and don't think you need to do, then you listen, acknowledge that she wants that, but then explain YOUR feelings on the matter and stand your ground. An example of this might be (and this is a fake example): She is feeling insecure because you are still friends with an ex from 10 years ago on social media, even though you never talk to her any more or comment on her posts etc, yet she demands you block her. You know that this is obviously not the cause of her insecurity because it just doesn't make sense and you know that if you block her, she's just going to make additional demands later because she can't figure out and address the true root-cause of her insecurity and you will forever be taking BS orders from her that won't resolve the situation.

In my experience, the above helps a lot, but it doesn't totally solve it. The issues keep coming up and until she resolves her anxiety/insecurity/anger/whatever issues herself (and you can SUPPORT her of course, but you can't do anything that will fix it for her - like caving to her demands that won't actually help her), it's going to be a constant struggle. Since the end of my blue pill days, my long-term relationships always ultimately end with me nexting the girl over this issue. But the more it happens, the more I wonder if there is some magic tool/technique for helping her recognize and take ownership of her own emotions without blaming you and thinking you changing a bunch of things is going to resolve her emotional problems.

The other gotcha with all this is the "Well what are YOU working on? So you think it's all ME?" argument. I've found this happens when you start having deep discussions with her about her emotions and are able to (kindly) get her to admit and recognize that her emotions are HERS and that only SHE can resolve them, but that you are willing to work with her and help understand her and support her (even if that doesn't always mean doing or changing something about yourself that you don't want to and know won't resolve anything). So she then comes back at you with that whole "well I'm doing all this work and I'm trying to change, so you're saying it's all me and you're perfect? What are YOU going to work on?" I literally have no idea how to even respond to this. I'm a mature, easy-going guy, about to hit 45, have a good social life, good job, have faced my fears, had good success with women since discovering red pill, have spent the last five years focusing on self development and self-improvement reading countless books on these subjects and also relationships, and am not a narcissist or have any other crazy tendencies (that I'm aware of haha). I'm certainly open to whatever changes someone suggests to me but when it's just stupid sh*t like her claiming I was on my phone "too much" when I can go in and look at my screen time report and prove that I was on my phone no longer than she was, or <insert any other obviously bullsh*t demand here>, I see no solution. I'm an easy going guy looking for a moderate level of peace and enjoyment and literally every single issue in the relationship comes about from the woman's constant gripes/demands. I feel like responding with, "What exactly do you want me to work on when you are the one constantly complaining?" But that obviously never works.

Just like desire, this cannot be negotiated or forced. If she doesn't, it is not your job nor you have the true power to have her take ownership.

For someone to genuinely do something and follow-through (especially long-term), they have to WANT to do it. While you might help her want to do it, it is up to her, and her alone.

As @samspade correctly mentioned, you don't get them to do it, you can only simply vet out the ones that do not and start having higher standards for whom you commit t going forward.


Modern Man Advice

 

[Who Dares Win]

Sure I also had my dog to apologize for that bad habit of drinking the toilet water despite having fresh one in his cup.

 

[christie]

One of the biggest challenges, really the only challenge I still seem to face in LTRs, is dealing with women blaming me for their emotions. I look back at my blue-pill relationships and I had that issue back then, and I look at my recent relationships now that I am much wiser, and I still have that issue now. While I do have more knowledge, confidence, and tools to deal with the situation, I am still struggling with it.

The basic symptom/situation is: Girlfriend feels anxious, angry, insecure, or some other negative emotion. Then girlfriend claims YOU are the cause of the emotion and then begins a "dialogue" with you about it, with the intention of getting you to do or change something in hopes that will "fix" her emotional issue.

Fake example: After a great weekend together and normal dialogue, everything fine, a conversation begins where she says, "I have been feeling extremely anxious all week. I was crying in the shower today. We need to talk." Then through subsequent discussion, turns out that her claimed source of anxiety is that I was "looking at my phone too much over the course of the weekend" which means that I must not like her.

This is just ONE of potentially countless examples. The bottom line is that, from my experience and observation, she doesn't actually know WHY she is experiencing the emotions - the emotions come first, and the justification/explanation for them is then sought out and she's simply taking stabs in the dark as to what the cause could be without ever really knowing for sure, and because she is closest to her man, she immediately assumes that something he is doing is the cause of her emotions. And this is literally ALL women I have ever dated.

I'm looking for two things here:
1. Input from you on whether you've been in relationships with women who don't blame you for all their negative emotions (I'm trying to understand if the consistent pattern I'm seeing is something specific with me and the kind of women I'm choosing to date long-term or if it's just literally 99% of women)
2. If you've found any way to get them to take responsibility for their emotions and stop blaming you.

As for #2, the best and really only thing I have found that helps is to:
1. Genuinely listen to them talk about their feelings
2. Ask questions so they know you care and are listening/understanding what they are saying (even if you don't agree)
3. Don't try to fix - just listen
4. If her conversation turns to her demanding or asking you to do something you don't want to do and don't think you need to do, then you listen, acknowledge that she wants that, but then explain YOUR feelings on the matter and stand your ground. An example of this might be (and this is a fake example): She is feeling insecure because you are still friends with an ex from 10 years ago on social media, even though you never talk to her any more or comment on her posts etc, yet she demands you block her. You know that this is obviously not the cause of her insecurity because it just doesn't make sense and you know that if you block her, she's just going to make additional demands later because she can't figure out and address the true root-cause of her insecurity and you will forever be taking BS orders from her that won't resolve the situation.

In my experience, the above helps a lot, but it doesn't totally solve it. The issues keep coming up and until she resolves her anxiety/insecurity/anger/whatever issues herself (and you can SUPPORT her of course, but you can't do anything that will fix it for her - like caving to her demands that won't actually help her), it's going to be a constant struggle. Since the end of my blue pill days, my long-term relationships always ultimately end with me nexting the girl over this issue. But the more it happens, the more I wonder if there is some magic tool/technique for helping her recognize and take ownership of her own emotions without blaming you and thinking you changing a bunch of things is going to resolve her emotional problems.

The other gotcha with all this is the "Well what are YOU working on? So you think it's all ME?" argument. I've found this happens when you start having deep discussions with her about her emotions and are able to (kindly) get her to admit and recognize that her emotions are HERS and that only SHE can resolve them, but that you are willing to work with her and help understand her and support her (even if that doesn't always mean doing or changing something about yourself that you don't want to and know won't resolve anything). So she then comes back at you with that whole "well I'm doing all this work and I'm trying to change, so you're saying it's all me and you're perfect? What are YOU going to work on?" I literally have no idea how to even respond to this. I'm a mature, easy-going guy, about to hit 45, have a good social life, good job, have faced my fears, had good success with women since discovering red pill, have spent the last five years focusing on self development and self-improvement reading countless books on these subjects and also relationships, and am not a narcissist or have any other crazy tendencies (that I'm aware of haha). I'm certainly open to whatever changes someone suggests to me but when it's just stupid sh*t like her claiming I was on my phone "too much" when I can go in and look at my screen time report and prove that I was on my phone no longer than she was, or <insert any other obviously bullsh*t demand here>, I see no solution. I'm an easy going guy looking for a moderate level of peace and enjoyment and literally every single issue in the relationship comes about from the woman's constant gripes/demands. I feel like responding with, "What exactly do you want me to work on when you are the one constantly complaining?" But that obviously never works.

they are all mismatches.

low interest......although its hard to believe.

In high interest relationships women can regulate emotions more and better.

This reminds me of how I'm scrambling and giving selfdevelopment 110% yet others still only see 50% effort.
Maybe just maybe, this is like that.

Work even harder on yourself. Make a list of what high interest women would look like to you no matter how ridiculous.
Compare that list to what you've experienced so far.

What I'm trying with this reply is to get you to think deeper than just their emotions because who cares when you have the dominant frame and they have high interest? You'll stop experiencing this, it will be a completely different paradigm only commiting to high interest females who are in your dominant frame.

 

[Barrister]

Most hot women have narcissistic qualities and that is exactly what you are describing with this. It is gaslighting and every good looking woman I have ever dated does this to a certain extent. Some are far worse than others. It is simply against their nature to ever accept that they are the root cause of their own insecurities and fears.

My previous ex once out of the blue accused me of cheating on her because her toothbrush she kept at my house had been moved in my medicine cabinet to a different part of the bathroom (I moved it merely was tired of it sitting on top of mine - that's gross. Actually posted about it here in Jan. 2020). It was one of the few times in our relationship that I was actually shocked by something as she had been a little crazy before but this was batsh1t stuff. I made her leave my house that night and ignored her for two days. She eventually made a non-apology apology for the accusation, but then still wanted to justify exactly why that could look like I was cheating and wanted me to admit that it made sense why it happened. I still refused and she got upset again. She also wanted me to feel bad because she was "drunk" that night and I made her drive home (she had 1 beer about 2 hours prior).

Point being is that even with the most ridiculous possible arguments they still will refuse to be wrong about anything.

TLDR - No, I don't think it is possible to eliminate it.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

low interest......although its hard to believe.

In high interest relationships women can regulate emotions more and better.

This reminds me of how I'm scrambling and giving selfdevelopment 110% yet others still only see 50% effort.
Maybe just maybe, this is like that.

Work even harder on yourself. Make a list of what high interest women would look like to you no matter how ridiculous.
Compare that list to what you've experienced so far.

What I'm trying with this reply is to get you to think deeper than just their emotions because who cares when you have the dominant frame and they have high interest? You'll stop experiencing this, it will be a completely different paradigm only commiting to high interest females who are in your dominant frame.

Appreciate the reply but that simply isn't the case here. The woman I'm dealing with right now is among the highest interested women I've ever dated. I know what high interest looks like.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

That's the whole point you are missing. It's an EMOTIONAL reaction to something you are doing/not doing.

So of course they are going to blame you. If it was a logical reaction they would sit down and think about it and realize it wasn't really your fault.

They are basically telling you "This is how you make me feel when you do X". Then it is up to you what you do with the info.

This would be like you asking "Has anyone taken gotten their car to take responsibility for requiring fuel?"

Not necessarily. She could be feeling emotions for ANY reason - could be all the craziness in the world due to COVID, could be work issues, could be family issues, could be friend issues, or it could be issues with me. When they feel emotions they often don't know the real cause/source, and MY experience has been that they look to those closest to them for the cause of their emotions. That's actually a clinically described characteristic of BPD which is to lash out at those closest to them and accuse them of being the source of all their ailments. I don't think this girl has BPD by any means but all women I have had LTRs with seem to have this ONE characteristic which I am starting to believe all women have. So I'm looking to see if I've just been unlucky or bad at screening. Maybe I'd have better luck of I was attracted to physically unattractive women?

And yes, I'm aware that it's up to me with what I do with the info and in my post, I explained what I do. I am not looking for logic here. I am more looking to understand if anyone has really dated a solid number of women who don't blame you for their emotions and then repeatedly get into an arm-wrestling match with you that they won't let go of in order to try to get you to comply with whatever they've decided will be the answer to their emotional rescue. I'm tired of nexting these women and am instead trying to learn if there is a productive way to communicate with them to help them develop as humans and understand that I can't fix their emotions and repeatedly asking me to change things won't fix them. And yes, I know that won't be accomplished through logic and reason, but I am trying to understand if it can be accomplished through some form of dialogue I have not tried yet. I've explained the dialogue I HAVE tried.

 

[Bigpapa]

I feel you bro

the only thing that worked for me till a certain extent , was to calm her down by pinpointing how she behaves ( if she is super annoying or loosing her sh1t )

then I would just ask her what is wrong bla bla

the thing is that on the medium and long term more or less you will have this problems again , if you do not find the root cause of why she is acting like that

usually , the actual source has to do with 3 main things : she thinks that the relationship is not progressing , or she thinks that you do not care for her , or she thinks that you weakened and want to see if you are still capable of leading her towards a better life

the most important take , is not to give up to this , in the sense to manipulate you using drama to do what she wants you to do

 

[oldmanofthesea]

the thing is that on the medium and long term more or less you will have this problems again , if you do not find the root cause of why she is acting like that

usually , the actual source has to do with 3 main things : she thinks that the relationship is not progressing , or she thinks that you do not care for her , or she thinks that you weakened and want to see if you are still capable of leading her towards a better life

the most important take , is not to give up to this , in the sense to manipulate you using drama to do what she wants you to do

Big facts right there. Through a self-development binge motivated by me walking away from her a few months back, she showed shockingly remarkable progress in self-awareness, managing emotion, understanding self-soothing, etc. Out of any girl I have ever dated in my life, I've never seen such effort and actual, observable progress. But as you said, it only lasted so long before it creeps back in. In her case, the last two months were incredibly solid. There were a couple bumps, but she dealt with them well, good communication, no assignment of blame on me, and she actually let it fvcking go after the conversation was finished and I listened to her and acknowledged her feelings. But that lasted two months and now the old habits creep back in - the complaints followed by demands are increasing in frequency and things aren't getting let-go after the discussions have taken place.

And yes, I 100% agree with you on the 3 main sources. In her case, it's the first two things as I've maintained iron-solid frame with her from day one - and that could be part of the problem because she knows damn well I will walk out the door and never look back and I think that fact gives her a lot of anxiety. She wants to move in together, she wants to hang out more with my friends and I, etc, but I am absolutely not about to do ANY of that until her behavior improves for a consistent period of time. End of story. And as such, it leads to your second source which is her thinking I don't care for her. But I DO things to demonstrate that I do care for her. Not over the top but I do plenty of nice things for her, give her words of affirmation, give her some gifts and thoughtful notes here and there. But I do not do that when she is acting poorly - I don't reward bad behavior. I slightly distance and cool-off on poor behavior, and on good behavior I reward well by becoming closer, providing more security, do nice things for her, etc.

 

[Lookatu]

So you've indirectly answered my question: Do they exist. Seems you feel the answer is yes. So I guess that means I just haven't found them, because I DO try to select for this but for me, it's like saying I'm selecting for blue apples - I keep looking and just don't seem to find them.

They do exist OP. I try to look for troopers/survivalist type girls rather than the ones that play victim which helps.

But also, I realize I have a high IDGAF attitude that most women realize. I tend to not have a filter which helps me speak my mind and in return, they feel comfortable in speaking theirs. I've always been complimented or commented on how genuine I seem to be and that I speak openly about everything.

These women all know that I don't play games and know where the door is at if they don't like anything. However they also know that I'm big on communicating rather than ASSuming things and try to talk things out before they ever become a big thing. It's always better to validate than to assume if things are murkey. They know that I'm a good listener and also tend to give good advice.

Currently I have two plates. Nurse and Teacher.

Nurse told me on the first date that she was on depression/anxiety meds. I took it as a red flag but didn't disqualify her for that but thought I could be dealing with situations like yours. I've been with her for over 4 months now. No type of complaining or her expressing any negative emotions blaming me in any way. I was expecting her to always compain about her work/friends/life but this hasn't happened so far.

Teacher seemed to be a stable gal when I met her. She does get frazzled easily about stuff and she tells me often about her student/parent issues in her classes as well as other things like her rift with her brother and stuff. I try to calm her and give her advice when I can. There's been a couple surprising moments where she admitted she felt a certain way towards me but hasn't expressed them. Maybe she's afraid of pushing me away or losing me? I don't know.

But bottom line is I haven't been around too many of the women that you're describing in either a relationship or plate.

If a women is insecure or always causing drama, I really think it's not meant to be, especially if you tried what you could on your end. There is only so much you can do and control.

 

[BadBoy89]

Everything in society is designed to appeal to a man’s emotions. It is NOT designed to appeal to his logic, well being, or health. It is about what he is feeling today and today only. That way the rich people stay in power.

A woman’s entire goal in a relationship is to get the man emotional. Once a man loses control of his emotions, SHE is in control. A woman’s can’t physically over power a man, she what does she do? She has to emotionally over power him. She has to love him, hate him, yell at him, insult him, confuse him, sex him, kiss him, put him down, leave him, etc. All these actions play with his emotions and leave him confused and angry and mentally weak. Gives her POWER.

You ever watch Bugs Bunny cartoons? They say he is the greatest cartoon character ever. You will notice he always in control with his emotions while his adversary loses it. The adversary is usually much bigger and powerful than Bugs, but he always outwits them while keeping us emotions in check. People love it. On another level, it’s the same with James Bond.

So men, always be in control of your emotions. If doesn’t matter if the girl is the hottest thing in movies or your next door neighbour. Being in control of your emotions will take you to new heights, with women and in life.

 

[Bigpapa]

Big facts right there. Through a self-development binge motivated by me walking away from her a few months back, she showed shockingly remarkable progress in self-awareness, managing emotion, understanding self-soothing, etc. Out of any girl I have ever dated in my life, I've never seen such effort and actual, observable progress. But as you said, it only lasted so long before it creeps back in. In her case, the last two months were incredibly solid. There were a couple bumps, but she dealt with them well, good communication, no assignment of blame on me, and she actually let it fvcking go after the conversation was finished and I listened to her and acknowledged her feelings. But that lasted two months and now the old habits creep back in - the complaints followed by demands are increasing in frequency and things aren't getting let-go after the discussions have taken place.

And yes, I 100% agree with you on the 3 main sources. In her case, it's the first two things as I've maintained iron-solid frame with her from day one - and that could be part of the problem because she knows damn well I will walk out the door and never look back and I think that fact gives her a lot of anxiety. She wants to move in together, she wants to hang out more with my friends and I, etc, but I am absolutely not about to do ANY of that until her behavior improves for a consistent period of time. End of story. And as such, it leads to your second source which is her thinking I don't care for her. But I DO things to demonstrate that I do care for her. Not over the top but I do plenty of nice things for her, give her words of affirmation, give her some gifts and thoughtful notes here and there. But I do not do that when she is acting poorly - I don't reward bad behavior. I slightly distance and cool-off on poor behavior, and on good behavior I reward well by becoming closer, providing more security, do nice things for her, etc.

Well , you have to figure out what it is more important , having her around you or maintaining your iron frame

both have pros and cons

like in all cases , either the guy lessens his frame and thus is more attainable to the girl , either he will maintain his strong frame and the girl will start getting frustrated with the lack of progress in the relationship

the woman final mating objective is to be a mother , and she can not do this while she is not sure that she can rely on the guy to provide for the family , especially during pregnancy when she will not be able to take care for herself

she is not doing this because she wants to tame you and then make a fool about yourself , but because she sees you as an attractive guy with whom she wants to have children eventually with

sure , she will enjoy the sex and stuff like that , but eventually her mating objective are more important than just pleasure

 

[Velasco]

Everything in society is designed to appeal to a woman’s emotions. It is NOT designed to appeal to her logic, well being, or health. It is about what she is feeling today and today only. That way the rich people stay in power.

A man's entire goal in a relationship is to get the woman emotional. Once a woman loses control of her emotions, HE is in control. A man’s can’t physically over power a woman, so what does he do? He has to emotionally over power her. He has to love her, hate her, yell at her, insult her, confuse her, sex her, kiss her, put her down, leave her, etc. All these actions play with her emotions and leave her confused and angry and mentally weak. Gives him POWER.

 

[Bigpapa]

Everything in society is designed to appeal to a man’s emotions. It is NOT designed to appeal to his logic, well being, or health. It is about what he is feeling today and today only. That way the rich people stay in power.

A woman’s entire goal in a relationship is to get the man emotional. Once a man loses control of his emotions, SHE is in control. A woman’s can’t physically over power a man, she what does she do? She has to emotionally over power him. She has to love him, hate him, yell at him, insult him, confuse him, sex him, kiss him, put him down, leave him, etc. All these actions play with his emotions and leave him confused and angry and mentally weak. Gives her POWER.

You ever watch Bugs Bunny cartoons? They say he is the greatest cartoon character ever. You will notice he always in control with his emotions while his adversary loses it. The adversary is usually much bigger and powerful than Bugs, but he always outwits them while keeping us emotions in check. People love it. On another level, it’s the same with James Bond.

So men, always be in control of your emotions. If doesn’t matter if the girl is the hottest thing in movies or your next door neighbour. Being in control of your emotions will take you to new heights, with women and in life.

when it comes to relationships , what you are saying is not the norm or it should not be , otherwise she will feel that you do not care about her and eventually leave

what you are saying is very true in terms of courtship and so on , but does not reflect entirely on how a man should behave pass the courtship phase

emotions are the barometer of how women test how healthy or not the relationship is . It is nothing wrong to shout at her when she is annoying you and you told her in a calm voice that she is annoying you , or stuff like that

on the contrary , you will see how she is giggling after and then starts pouring

 

[Barrister]

Big facts right there. Through a self-development binge motivated by me walking away from her a few months back, she showed shockingly remarkable progress in self-awareness, managing emotion, understanding self-soothing, etc. Out of any girl I have ever dated in my life, I've never seen such effort and actual, observable progress. But as you said, it only lasted so long before it creeps back in. In her case, the last two months were incredibly solid. There were a couple bumps, but she dealt with them well, good communication, no assignment of blame on me, and she actually let it fvcking go after the conversation was finished and I listened to her and acknowledged her feelings. But that lasted two months and now the old habits creep back in - the complaints followed by demands are increasing in frequency and things aren't getting let-go after the discussions have taken place.

And yes, I 100% agree with you on the 3 main sources. In her case, it's the first two things as I've maintained iron-solid frame with her from day one - and that could be part of the problem because she knows damn well I will walk out the door and never look back and I think that fact gives her a lot of anxiety. She wants to move in together, she wants to hang out more with my friends and I, etc, but I am absolutely not about to do ANY of that until her behavior improves for a consistent period of time. End of story. And as such, it leads to your second source which is her thinking I don't care for her. But I DO things to demonstrate that I do care for her. Not over the top but I do plenty of nice things for her, give her words of affirmation, give her some gifts and thoughtful notes here and there. But I do not do that when she is acting poorly - I don't reward bad behavior. I slightly distance and cool-off on poor behavior, and on good behavior I reward well by becoming closer, providing more security, do nice things for her, etc.

@oldmanofthesea

Is this the same chick you had stated you had broken up with a few months back that sounded remarkably like my last LTR? I did the same thing with my last LTR last May and then we got back together in June. Had a short honeymoon phase where she went out of her to appease and do what we spoke about. Then of course, that didn't last.

If it is her I didn't realize you were giving it another go. Wish you luck with this, brother.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

@oldmanofthesea

Is this the same chick you had stated you had broken up with a few months back that sounded remarkably like my last LTR? I did the same thing with my last LTR last May and then we got back together in June. Had a short honeymoon phase where she went out of her to appease and do what we spoke about. Then of course, that didn't last.

If it is her I didn't realize you were giving it another go. Wish you luck with this, brother.

You have a good memory brother. Yes it is the same one. I went two months no contact with her sending me texts, emails, DMs, letters in the mail on a near daily basis. Some of them several pages long. All of them professing her love for me and desire to make things work long term and listing all the reasons why I am perfect for her and what she has realized is important to her and what and how she can change about herself to make things work and how hard she wants to work, blah blah blah. Eventually I let her have another shot. It was great for a couple months. It's not bad yet.... but I feel her slipping into old habits where it doesn't seem enough for me to just hear and validate her emotions, but it also seems like she is starting to dip her toe into attempting to get me to conform to her demands as a solution, which won't fly with me. At this point in my life and dating experience, I'm so quick to eject that a part of me believes I am missing something..... some way to converse and manage this kind of thing that is more successful than the way I have in the past.

 

[Lookatu]

At this point in my life and dating experience, I'm so quick to eject that a part of me believes I am missing something..... some way to converse and manage this kind of thing that is more successful than the way I have in the past.

This is definitely something to put some thought into and I think I've been guilty of this too. But there comes a point where you have to determine what things are dealkillers for you that you can't live with.

The fact that she sent you all these messages shows that she cares and wants to try to work it out. Don't let that cloud your judgement though with just being wanted/liked/cared for. Do you feel the same way about her?

Does she know what the main sticking points are that are preventing you guys from moving further forward?

Just from my experience, everyone has a default mode and eventually most end up back to their default no matter how much they try to change. You have to really ask yourself if this default mode she has is something you can live with or not.

My wife that I was together for 18 years had a default mode of being a hoarder and being messy. Initially I thought I could handle it and manage it but with enough time, you may find that you can't. So I'm just saying learn to determine what those dealkillers are early on so that it doesn't creep up on you later.