Male Friends

[Bigpapa]

Bro, she’s waiting for him to crack over this issue over the male friend, so she can mind fvck him more by turning into victim, and shaming him for being a manipulative control freak, even though it’s her manipulating him. Once he’s been shamed and punished enough, he knows not to bring this issue up again, then she can continue to carry out her abuse with impunity. ‘Manning up’ and mentioning the issue won’t do sh1t, except what I just mentioned. It’s fruitless.

yes , it might be the case , but sometimes you have to go the long way , so you will not question yourself later if you did the right thing or not



if she starts acting like that , he can and should just leave . We know that arguing with women is pointless

 

[B80]

Now I think of it, definitely something odd going on with this guy. Asking me about putting weights workout/routine together then same week this guy is apparently turning up with weights for her.

No doubt playing him along too. Funny in a ****ed up way.

 

[Bigpapa]

Now I think of it, definitely something odd going on with this guy. Asking me about putting weights workout/routine together then same week this guy is apparently turning up with weights for her.

No doubt playing him along too. Funny in a ****ed up way.

The only odd thing about the other guy is that he is watching a movie with your girl in a Sunday night , when he also has a gf

 

[B80]

Whole thing just feels surreal now, amazing how people like this actually exist.

 

[Bigpapa]

Whole thing just feels surreal now, amazing how people like this actually exist.

mate , just send her a text in which you say that things look wired between her and the guy friend , and that things moved too fast to exclusivity , and that you need more time to know each other

this way you will get a stone out of your chest , which is more important than worrying what she will think about you

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Whole thing just feels surreal now, amazing how people like this actually exist.

I know, man - because you’ve never experienced it before. NPDs and BPDs are such experts at mind fvcking, DARPA should employ them within their psychological warfare projects.

It does sound like you’re in a bit too deep (emotionally, physically) to pull out right now, but you realise what’s happening, and it certainly won’t get better, and don’t be mistaken in thinking you can change her either.

A few more months in you’ll prob be so fvcked up, you’ll have no choice but to pull the rip cord. And by then, prepare for the psychological aftermath after you do walk for good, because you’re going to experience a suicidal depression you’ve never experienced before. That can be averted if you get out now, but it’s obviously your choice what happens next.

In about six months, my words will prob resonate with you more.

 

[rjc149]

I personally believe that the booze and a lot of the very poisonous responses you're getting here are also contributing to anxiety.

It's hard to arrive at the conclusion that she's a NPD/BPD who is maliciously mind-fvcking you without knowing this woman, or knowing exactly how your relationship has played out.

You're clearly prone to substance abuse, dude. That's a problem that exists independently of any girl trouble you're having. That's contributing to a deteriorating emotional state. I don't think reading a lot of these extremely negative posts is helping, either.

So far, we know a few things. We know she's just out of a nasty breakup and still dealing with the ex fallout. We know her interest in you is currently quite high. We know she has male friends and orbiters. We know that she watched a movie with one of the cozier ones.

Everything else is purely speculation and interpretation.

But I will have to agree with everyone that neither you, nor her, are in a good mindset to begin a healthy relationship right now. She's still raw from her breakup, and it's quite likely you're her rebound guy. Which is fine, it's okay to be a rebound guy and get some good poon for a bit, as long as you know what's what.

But instead of drinking yourself into these states and then reading all the doom and gloom here, just take a step back. Get a big picture view, of everything, all the facts that you know and make a rational decision like a man who can make good decisions for himself.

You should not be investing into this relationship until she has shown you signs that she's worthy of it -- and unfortunately, movie night with a handsome orbiter is questionable behavior, combined with the fact that she is very likely on the rebound.

You're not going to feel better about this by distancing, playing aloof, or preemptively punishing her by cutting her off for something you believe she is doing but have no evidence of.

Communicate with her directly. If you believe there's bullsh!t, call her out. Clear the air, get it off your chest. Observe her reaction. Decide accordingly. And if this causes you to lose her, she was already gone.

The only way to keep a woman is by being willing to lose her.

 

[spikeanut]

Whole thing just feels surreal now, amazing how people like this actually exist.

OP, tons of great advise given out in this thread already. Although I would hesitate on any that relies on you addressing the issue. In all honesty, this is now a lost cause and there is nothing to address. She is not LTR material, period; at least not for you. The harsh reality of this is: you allowed this to happen. It's not a matter of people like this existing...many, if not the majority women are like this. She is no different than any other woman...what is different is she now has low interest in you; which is why all this started. This is how normal women treat men they have low interest in.

Your best plan of attack is to pull back immediately. Not necessarily ghost for now...but significant pull back. Your earlier response of what happened to all her kisses via txt is just more evidence for her to know fully, you are in her frame. She is not scared or frightened of you leaving her one bit. Don't go the whole "bachelor #" route..again, that shows how much affect she has on your life. Always remember OP, you are the man, you are the highly sought after prize. Would a man of stature, would a man of status, be constantly texting a woman back and forth as is implied by your description of events? I bet you guys texts hundreds of times a day.

You are a Man OP, you have more important things to do than to worry about one woman who is NOT your wife, fiance, or even girlfriend. Start loving and valuing yourself OP. You deserve better than her; so start acting like it. She is now a plate..and a very low quality one at that. Your insecurities will continue to bleed out around her, until ultimately she will be done with you and leave you completely desolate and depressed. It's instances like this that leave men with no other apparent option than to blow their brains out. Value yourself OP..she is nothing special.

 

[B80]

I personally believe that the booze and a lot of the very poisonous responses you're getting here are also contributing to anxiety.

It's hard to arrive at the conclusion that she's a NPD/BPD who is maliciously mind-fvcking you without knowing this woman, or knowing exactly how your relationship has played out.

You're clearly prone to substance abuse, dude. That's a problem that exists independently of any girl trouble you're having. That's contributing to a deteriorating emotional state. I don't think reading a lot of these extremely negative posts is helping, either.

So far, we know a few things. We know she's just out of a nasty breakup and still dealing with the ex fallout. We know her interest in you is currently quite high. We know she has male friends and orbiters. We know that she watched a movie with one of the cozier ones.

Everything else is purely speculation and interpretation.

But I will have to agree with everyone that neither you, nor her, are in a good mindset to begin a healthy relationship right now. She's still raw from her breakup, and it's quite likely you're her rebound guy. Which is fine, it's okay to be a rebound guy and get some good poon for a bit, as long as you know what's what.

But instead of drinking yourself into these states and then reading all the doom and gloom here, just take a step back. Get a big picture view, of everything, all the facts that you know and make a rational decision like a man who can make good decisions for himself.

You should not be investing into this relationship until she has shown you signs that she's worthy of it -- and unfortunately, movie night with a handsome orbiter is questionable behavior, combined with the fact that she is very likely on the rebound.

You're not going to feel better about this by distancing, playing aloof, or preemptively punishing her by cutting her off for something you believe she is doing but have no evidence of.

Communicate with her directly. If you believe there's bullsh!t, call her out. Clear the air, get it off your chest. Observe her reaction. Decide accordingly. And if this causes you to lose her, she was already gone.

The only way to keep a woman is by being willing to lose her.

Hi, yes no doubt drinking more contributes. Got out of hand past few days and stops now. Really isn't too a big a deal in terms of reducing it, don't want to give the impression of being some kind of alcoholic !

Just to clarify, the ex she had issues with last month is her ex husband from 4 years ago, so she isn't on the rebound from recent relationship.

I may not have framed some of my posts well, but she is showing high interest. Says I can come over whenever now, suggests I come over regularly, allowed to be around her child, bought me presents, suggests holidays, clearly really into me when I'm with her.
Like yiu say, this guy is something to keep an eye on, but I'm not convinced something is going on, going by how he's been mentioned previously. I'll think about whether to raise it this time or not. I'll do it face to face if I do so I can see her reaction. Over text will give her time to think about what to say.

Despite this thread may be showing otherwise I'm confident I haven't shown any insecurity/weakness around her, frame strong. Tease her regularly, lots of physical contact, convesation flows... overall dynamics are great.I don't think she is in control of this relationship or pulling the strings by a long stretch tbh, despite what some on here probably think.

Key thing is not getting too involved whilst there are question marks around, which I'm confident I can. draw it out whilst still looking for other girls. Seems a shame to potentialy sabotage an escalating relationship over this. Attractive girl, regular sex, get on well etc

 

[Roober]

If she shows that she is not committed to, albeit through friendships with other men, then you should not commit to her.

As @AlphaDraconis suggested, I would start openly chatting up a female friend and see how she reacts.

I lean more towards the "close friends of the opposite sex do not exist in an LTR" camp. If an opportunity arises for the two to hook up, you can almost guarantee it will happen at some point.

Also, if she has only male friends and few female friends, that is a problem in of itself. That means no other women find her interesting enough to spend time with, not a good place for an LTR candidate.

 

[B80]

If she shows that she is not committed to, albeit through friendships with other men, then you should not commit to her.

As @AlphaDraconis suggested, I would start openly chatting up a female friend and see how she reacts.

I lean more towards the "close friends of the opposite sex do not exist in an LTR" camp. If an opportunity arises for the two to hook up, you can almost guarantee it will happen at some point.

Also, if she has only male friends and few female friends, that is a problem in of itself. That means no other women find her interesting enough to spend time with, not a good place for an LTR candidate.

Assuming I did take the approach of chatting up a female friend, not sure how she would know anyway as I'm not on social media...

 

[rjc149]

Key thing is not getting too involved whilst there are question marks around, which I'm confident I can. draw it out whilst still looking for other girls. Seems a shame to potentialy sabotage an escalating relationship over this. Attractive girl, regular sex, get on well etc

Exactly. Trust but verify. I wouldn't listen too closely to posters advising you to start mind-fvcking her back, or preemptively cut her off, or otherwise punish her for spiking your anxiety (which is, to a certain extent, exacerbated by the booze).

If you think it's going well, then go with the flow -- just make sure you guard your heart until things are 100% clear with her.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Assuming I did take the approach of chatting up a female friend, not sure how she would know anyway as I'm not on social media...

Judging by her most recent antics, it sounds like you‘re being love bombed, but that’s just typically cyclic. Just as you’re on a high, she’ll likely do something to bring you down again (idealisation to devaluation), then you’ll start feeling anxiety again — wondering if your next dopamine hit will ever come around. While your nerves are on knife edge, this is when you start smoking and drinking more heavily again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Anyways, OP, you’re your own man, it’s ultimately your choice what you do. I’ll say no more on this subject, but take care of yourself, and best to you.

 

[CoandaEffect]

I would be careful of reading too much into the fact that this lady has male friends. Nothing wrong with that at all, as long as they are just platonic friends. I have female platonic friends and they have boyfriends, the boyfriends know about me (I’ve met them) and everyone is cool.

If you have a girlfriend and she has male friends then the fact that it concerns you is a reflection of your insecurity, not her infidelity.

The idea that when you get a girlfriend, she has to drop all contact with her other male friends is just BS. Any girlfriend of mine has to accept that I have a good female friend and if that is an issue for her then she can leave. I have no time for the jealous girlfriends.

I’m just giving you a different perspective here. A confident man would not care one little bit about this.

 

[rjc149]

Again it's always a tricky fine line between communicating your boundaries, and in doing so, possibly coming off as insecure or threatened.

Given that this is at the very beginning of your relationship, you need to air grievances assertively, succinctly and immediately. If you don't, it will build up and fester, resulting in more and more insecure behavior from you, and more and more tests of your boundaries from her.

If movie night with a male friend bothers you, tell her. But tell her once, and don't keep bringing it up. Don't give her rules or tell her how she needs to behave.

If she values you and respects you, she will validate your concerns and will attempt to reach an understanding with you.

If she doesn't value or respect you, she'll dismiss it, deride it, and ignore or disregard the fact that it bothers you. And that's when you cut her loose.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

I would be careful of reading too much into the fact that this lady has male friends. Nothing wrong with that at all, as long as they are just platonic friends. I have female platonic friends and they have boyfriends, the boyfriends know about me (I’ve met them) and everyone is cool.

If you have a girlfriend and she has male friends then the fact that it concerns you is a reflection of your insecurity, not her infidelity.

The idea that when you get a girlfriend, she has to drop all contact with her other male friends is just BS. Any girlfriend of mine has to accept that I have a good female friend and if that is an issue for her then she can leave. I have no time for the jealous girlfriends.

I’m just giving you a different perspective here. A confident man would not care one little bit about this.

Sounds like you’re no potential threat (no Chad), that’s why their BFs don’t care if you’re their GFs man servant. You save them the job of carrying her bags, being her chauffeur, butler, emotional tampon, etc. Women don’t make good friends, that’s why platonic friendships are a fallacy. Instead, women just hit a guy up when in need of something; to d*ck tease; to use in triangulation games (if he’s good looking).

 

[bat soup]

Hey,

Girl im seeing has a big social circle, including male friends.

One of them crops up a fair bit. Has a decent career, not a bad looking chap.

Career path similar to hers. She's quite open about they go for walks from time to time, likes chatting to him about career, mentoring, etc amongst other things. Also said she mentioned things to him between me and her and that he apparently said i sound like a good bloke, could be right man for her or something to that effect.

She told me months ago no man shes been involved with has met her daughter, apart from male friends like this man. Didnt have to volunteer that, could have just kept it quiet.

She mentioned he has girl friend of a few years.

Initially when she mentioned male friends didn't care as it was beginning of things, now 3/4 months later I sometimes wonder whether there's more to this guy.

For example today we spent all day together with kids when her daughter said x is coming over later isn't he to drop the weights off (she did mention last week he was dropping weights off for home gym at some point). Could be me being paranoid and misreading but thought she looked a bit off balance briefly by her daughter saying it.

A few weeks ago she mentioned people crashing at hers and mentioned female friends and this guy has in the past lol. She said it in such a normal open way, thst made me think if something was going on she wouldn't have mentioned him doing that, even though to me it's an odd thing to do, particularly as he has a girlfriend... apparently.

She also mentioned they speak on phone regularly. She's extrovert, very sociable, always chatting to various friends.

I'm wary of mentioning it as could make me look insecure, paranoid etc and cause the end of it.

But as relationship progresses, particularly as she raised exclusivety subject last week, wondering whether a conversation around boundaries is needed at some point.

If he is/was her fwb clearly nothing serious is destined to happen at this point as it surely would have done by now, so I'm thinking as long as I keep her interest levels high,, I shouldn't be worried about these kind of men. Just be confident I'm the catch and not show insecurity or raise it.

But at same time it doesn't sit right and I'm thinking if I need to somehow raise this without pissing her off as there's a chance nothing is happening/he's not a long term threat.... not now but at some point.

I know directly raising it is unlikely to end in a positive outcome, she could easily lie anyway and unless I found evidence may never find out.in fact right at beginning of seeing each other, one night when drunk together I did casually ask if they had ever slept together she casually said no way, he's not her cup of tea.

Im thinking if there's a way of being more covert in broaching the subject...

Tell her that you'd like to meet him and when you do, give him a high 5.

 

[CoandaEffect]

Sounds like you’re ...

You do not know me, so don’t judge me. I’m not judging you and I would ask you to extend the same level of respect.

I have no dog in this fight, I’m just giving a different perspective that OP may not have considered.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

You do not know me, so don’t judge me. I’m not judging you and I would ask you to extend the same level of respect.

I have no dog in this fight, I’m just giving a different perspective that OP may not have considered.

My reply wasn’t intended as any form of mockery, rather I’m just telling it how it is. The majority of guys (myself included) are not genetically superior. If you were, say... someone like a prime Dolph Lundgren, then their BF’s would sure as sh1t be losing their sh1t at you spending lots of alone time with their girls. In fact, even as an afar acquaintance they’d be having anxiety attacks.

 

[rjc149]

My reply wasn’t intended as any form of mockery, rather I’m just telling it how it is. The majority of guys (myself included) are not genetically superior. If you were, say... someone like a prime Dolph Lundgren, then their BF’s would sure as sh1t be losing their sh1t at you spending lots of alone time with their girls. In fact, even as an afar acquaintance they’d be having anxiety attacks.

Lol what is with you and Dolph Lundgren?