Male Friends

[Bigpapa]

Here’s the problem with OP laying down the law: 1. She’ll turn into victim and accuse him of being a paranoid control freak (OK when the boot is on the other foot — the boot that stomps on his nuts) 2. She’ll go cry to her guy friend/s, and turn them into her flying monkeys 3. It will make OP look weak. 4. She’ll say ‘Fvck you! No mayyyn tells me what do’ and end it.

This is why, if he does end it, he just blocks / ghosts her on everything because it will make her feel totally devalued that he didn’t care about the r/s, and that’s she’s not even worthy of an explanation.

A girl I was seeing for a few months... we were having phone conversation, she thought everything was going just fine, but, out of nowhere, I hung up on her and blocked her. She went fvcking ballistic, and was banging my door down for days, and was in floods of tears for weeks.

You see, a few weeks earlier we were both out at a club, I was getting drinks at bar, when she suddenly began sexually cavorting with two guys in dance floor. The other two guys found out we were a couple, and began apologising to me. I kept my cool, but that could have so easily turned into a fight. I didn’t forget her for that stunt so waited for the dust to settle, and stung her good n hard.

Things like this sound more like revenge than anything else

overall having this mindset is not that helpful, as you will start objectifying women

women are silly and cute , but for sure you should not accept things That you do not like or make you uncomfortable . The trick is to think why things like this have this power over you , and see if it is any way in which you can fix them , if you can

in the example you gave , I think that you could have just told her that she puts you in a bad spot for no reason besides her feeling good on your expense . Then give her the chance to fix it . Next time she does it , you drop the nuke

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Things like this sound more like revenge than anything else

overall having this mindset is not that helpful, as you will start objectifying women

women are silly and cute , but for sure you should not accept things That you do not like or make you uncomfortable . The trick is to think why things like this have this power over you , and see if it is any way in which you can fix them , if you can

in the example you gave , I think that you could have just told her that she puts you in a bad spot for no reason besides her feeling good on your expense . Then give her the chance to fix it . Next time she does it , you drop the nuke

‘When people reveal who they are, believe them’ is an adage that comes to mind. She did a few more things to p1ss me off too, but I acted unfazed by it. Like I said, she revealed who she was, so I had to get rid. I’d learned from experience ‘laying down the law’, doesn’t work because they know they can yank your chain and get a rise out of you. So, no time and energy for that sh1t... just pull the rug when they least expect it. Maybe it’ll make them more mindful of their actions in next r/s, maybe not, but it sure as hell does a number on them.

 

[LiveYourDream]

You deserve WAY better @B80!

I encourage you to walk and never look back!

 

[Bigpapa]

‘When people reveal who they are, believe them’ is an adage that comes to mind. She did a few more things to p1ss me off too, but I acted unfazed by it. Like I said, she revealed who she was, so I had to get rid. I’d learned from experience ‘laying down the law’, doesn’t work because they know they can yank your chain and get a rise out of you. So, no time and energy for that sh1t... just pull the rug when they least expect it. Maybe it’ll make them more mindful of their actions in next r/s, maybe not, but it sure as hell does a number on them.

neah , pulling the rug without explaining why you are pulling it will only make her resentful towards men , and thus The next guy will have a harder time than you did . Maybe the next guy is someone from this forum

instead of trying to let a girl in a better shape , you are letting her in a worst one

revenge never really brings anything good , only makes people vengeful

 

[B80]

Here’s the problem with OP laying down the law: 1. She’ll turn into victim and accuse him of being a paranoid control freak (OK when the boot is on the other foot — the boot that stomps on his nuts) 2. She’ll go cry to her guy friend/s, and turn them into her flying monkeys 3. It will make OP look weak. 4. She’ll say ‘Fvck you! No mayyyn tells me what do’ and end it.

This is why, if he does end it, he just blocks / ghosts her on everything because it will make her feel totally devalued that he didn’t care about the r/s, and that’s she’s not even worthy of an explanation.

A girl I was seeing for a few months... we were having phone conversation, she thought everything was going just fine, but, out of nowhere, I hung up on her and blocked her. She went fvcking ballistic, and was banging my door down for days, and was in floods of tears for weeks.

You see, a few weeks earlier we were both out at a club, I was getting drinks at bar, when she suddenly began sexually cavorting with two guys in dance floor. The other two guys found out we were a couple, and began apologising to me. I kept my cool, but that could have so easily turned into a fight. I didn’t forget her for that stunt so waited for the dust to settle, and stung her good n hard.

Won't just 'ghosting' make me look butt heart though.

I'm tempted to just send a couple of paragraphs tomorrow saying we re not going to work, heres why ie find your behavior odd after talk about exclusivity last weekend, spending all day together then seeing another man/'friend' this evening. Things aren't going to work out between us.

See how she responds.

 

[Billtx49]

Won't just 'ghosting' make me look butt heart though.

I'm tempted to just send a couple of paragraphs tomorrow saying we re not going to work, heres why ie find your behavior odd after talk about exclusivity last weekend, spending all day together then seeing another man/'friend' this evening. Things aren't going to work out between us.

See how she responds.

Do Not do that. Mentioning another man makes you look weak and jealous…
All you need is it’s not working with us. Goodbye

 

[Bigpapa]

Won't just 'ghosting' make me look butt heart though.

I'm tempted to just send a couple of paragraphs tomorrow saying we re not going to work, heres why ie find your behavior odd after talk about exclusivity last weekend, spending all day together then seeing another man/'friend' this evening.

See how she responds.

no ... just say That you find wired this dynamic between her and her male friend , and that for now it is better to continue the same dynamic that you guys had before the talk about exclusivity

this way you give her the chance to work for exclusivity , as this is the women role

based on what she says , you will know what to do

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Won't just 'ghosting' make me look butt heart though.

I'm tempted to just send a couple of paragraphs tomorrow saying we re not going to work, heres why ie find your behavior odd after talk about exclusivity last weekend, spending all day together then seeing another man/'friend' this evening. Things aren't going to work out between us.

See how she responds.

No mate, because you haven’t told her that her close guy friend bothers you, she won’t know why you’ve radio silenced her. The way I see it, if she wants to play games, show her how it’s played. Nothing mind fvcks a woman more than ghosting / blocking. But if you make decision you must remain firm in it because if you try to come back, the power will be in her hands and she will say goodbye and she’ll know that you haven’t got the balls to walk away, which will let her know you’ll tolerate more sh1t.

 

[B80]

no ... just say That you find wired this dynamic between her and her male friend , and that for now it is better to continue the same dynamic that you guys had before the talk about exclusivity

this way you give her the chance to work for exclusivity , as this is the women role

based on what she says , you will know what to do

I like it, unless there are other suggestions we ll see how it plays out with this one.

Don't want to cut things off completely yet, this gives the chance to see where she is with things at this point.

 

[LiveYourDream]

‘When people reveal who they are, believe them’

1000%.

Never make a bet with your precious time and energy that you have the influence or capacity to change a woman, into a better version of themselves, the version you desire, telling yourself that you will eventually get the benefit of being with the “improved” version.

If you are entering a LTR with someone, be 100% ok with what you see/experience as what you will get. Have no expectations for improvement.

More often than not, you are still in the honeymoon phase, so you are already getting their best effort. If anything, their behavior may deteriorate further as they relax more into the relationship.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

One more thing to add: if you don’t feel strong enough to walk away just yet, then begin to mentally prepare to detach - even if takes a few more weeks.

In the meantime act as though things are just fine n dandy, then pull the rug.

It’s either stay and suffer with her one sided BS, or walk away to a happier life; never look back... no explanations given.

Let her be someone else’ problem.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

neah , pulling the rug without explaining why you are pulling it will only make her resentful towards men , and thus The next guy will have a harder time than you did . Maybe the next guy is someone from this forum

instead of trying to let a girl in a better shape , you are letting her in a worst one

revenge never really brings anything good , only makes people vengeful

Well, I’d say she’s already showing contempt for men by trying to mind fvck OP. Her behaviour could make him feel resentful towards women. She clearly has issues, but it’s not OPs job to be her shrink. She’s just waiting for him to crack over the guy friend issue, then she can call him all the insecure b&stards in the world. He’s damned if he does or doesn’t: she’ll see him as a pvssy for putting up with her mind games, and an insecure control freak if he opens his mouth. This is why just disappearing is the best option. What does he owe her really in return for the humiliation she’s subjecting him to? Nada. That’s why no explanation is required.

 

[Bigpapa]

Well, I’d say she’s already showing contempt for men by trying to mind fvck OP. Her behaviour could make him feel resentful towards women. She clearly has issues, but it’s not OPs job to be her shrink. She’s just waiting for him to crack over the guy friend issue, then she can call him all the insecure b&stards in the world. He’s damned if he does or doesn’t: she’ll see him as a pvssy for putting up with her mind games, and an insecure control freak if he opens his mouth. This is why just disappearing is the best option. What does he owe her really in return for the humiliation she’s subjecting him to? Nada. That’s why no explanation is required.

I would lie if I would not say that you do not have a fair point , but I still do not think that the first thing that you have to do is send the nuke

I think that the op is better not to accept her exclusivity frame while she is spending most of the with her time male friend , and see what her next step will be

 

[LiveYourDream]

I like it, unless there are other suggestions we ll see how it plays out with this one.

Don't want to cut things off completely yet, this gives the chance to see where she is with things at this point.

I know there is the fantasy that she won’t want to lose you so suddenly she’s going to drop her male friend and forever more treat you better than he and with the respect you deserve.

It’s a fantasy based on your desire. It has no basis in the actions and values she has already demonstrated.

Do consider the impact on yourself, if her and her male “friend” decide/respond that she/they are 100% happy with how things are between the two of them and that YOU are the one that will need to adjust and to accept THEIR dynamics as they are.

That’s what their actions and values say right now. She just thought a little Netflix and chill with her male friend alone in her home, and telling you later, was acceptable. She and he saw no problem with it. Understand that.

How will it affect you and your self respect if you tell her or imply that she/they need to change and then she/they say they have no desire/intention of changing?

How will you feel walking away then???

Will staying longer trying to work something out have been worth it???

Even if you say you just want sex with her now... whose level will it be on then?

Will that be worth it to you?

Things to consider...

 

[AlphaDraconis]

I would lie if I would not say that you do not have a fair point , but I still do not think that the first thing that you have to do is send the nuke

I think that the op is better not to accept her exclusivity frame while she is spending most of the with her time male friend , and see what her next step will be

Like I said, I thinks he’s damned if he does open his mouth or remains silent. I really don’t see her compromising over this. But ultimately his choice.

I know what I’d do.

 

[metalwater]

I am a woman and I personally find her behavior with a man incredibly disrespectful. I personally have different standards.

1. She discussed your and her personal relationship, with another man. Seriously! As a woman, I don’t believe that is appropriate. Certainly never casually. (Maybe with her father or brother, in an extreme situation of sorts.)

2. She sought out this other man’s approval of you (or his jealousy).

This equals the other man higher on her totem pole, in my view. She is seeking the other man’s approval (seemingly) above yours.

3. She reported her delight to you, that THE OTHER MAN approved of you.

4. On top of that...She acts as if and believes that you are ALSO supposed to be delighted that you were granted THE OTHER MAN’S approval.

I find this inappropriate on so many levels. That’s me.

Hopefully this clarifies some of what I perceived that led me to see you/OP as lower on her totem pole. I personally see these, as highly disrespectful behaviors, of a woman towards her man.

If she is seeking THE OTHER MAN’S approval (or jealousy), above showing you respect, that speaks volumes, to me. I have different standards for respectful behavior. That is why if you are looking for a solid LTR (beyond simply sex,) that I suggested you cut your losses with her and move on.

really well said. this comment cuts through all of the bull, this is what it is. OP, don't feel bad or ashamed or anything bad, most men that are not a long time and hardcore player will and would have the exact same reactions and feelings about this situation. EVEN if she shapes up, you will always remember that she had you in a separate partition in her mind from some other dude(s). she should cause you to feel like you are the man-god in her world and all others need your approval. I have been in relationships with women that treat me like a god and ones that tread me like a plate. the question you ask sounds a little like feeling like a plate. no disrespect intended to you. you're asking because it doesn't make sense and feeling of small confusion. women that prioritize us over all other men do not make us feel confused.

imagine that another member asks exactly the same question, how would you reply to them.

funny thing is, that I could tell you all my girl problems and you could tell me exactly the right things to do. I would not do it, just as you likely will not follow the sage advice of the others because from the inside it looks and feels different than being an objective party.

 

[B80]

Cheers mate, yes you're right. Like I mentioned earlier, never had any of these issues with my now ex wife who I was with for 12 years. Never any doubts, she was all over me from the start.

So how do you go about ending this?

 

[Billtx49]

So how do you go about ending this?

Do it with whatever method you will feel comfortable moving into your future with. You know who you are, we don’t. This is about you at this point, not her …

 

[LiveYourDream]

Despite all my responses above about this woman and what I perceive as her showing disrespect of the OP, I believe there is yet another issue at hand. Imho it would serve the OP to also put some focus on it, no matter what happens with this one woman.

*Please know that this is intended as an observation @B80 and not as criticism of you. What I am going to share is not at all uncommon to men post LTR.

I get the sense that you are still trying to find your sea legs, back in the singles game, after your marriage and divorce. That is entirely understandable!! Men who have been working the singles market consistently are still challenged, often more than ever before, with all the dynamic changes. You are not alone in that!

My observation OP is that you sound to me like it would serve you to focus on improving knowing your own inner sense of value, and how that is projected outward. I think you could also likely be served by embodying more the knowing/belief that, *YOU are the prize*. I mean that with all respect.

I think with a greater sense of self perceived value, and realizing all that you offer, in the world and to a woman, that you would respond to a woman’s disrespect more decisively and with less hesitation and appropriately so.

Bigger than that, I think you would intrinsically know that you will have many more women to choose from in your life ahead and no part of you would feel like you should put up with or try to negotiate a woman’s disrespect. As such you will attract more women as well.

It’s my hope that this experience helps you feel stronger in yourself and leads you to even better women ahead.

 

[AlphaDraconis]

Despite all my responses above about this woman and what I perceive as her showing disrespect of the OP, I believe there is yet another issue at hand. Imho it would serve the OP to also put some focus on it, no matter what happens with this one woman.

*Please know that this is intended as an observation @B80 and not as criticism of you. What I am going to share is not at all uncommon to men post LTR.

I get the sense that you are still trying to find your sea legs, back in the singles game, after your marriage and divorce. That is entirely understandable!! Men who have been working the singles market consistently are still challenged, often more than ever before, with all the dynamic changes. You are not alone in that!

My observation OP is that you sound to me like it would serve you to focus on improving your own inner sense of value, and how that is projected outward. I think you could also likely be served by embodying more the knowing/belief that, *YOU are the prize*. I mean that with all respect.

I think with a greater sense of self perceived value, and realizing all that you offer, in the world and to a woman, that you would respond to a woman’s disrespect more decisively and with less hesitation and appropriately so.

Bigger than that, I think you would intrinsically know that you will have many more women to choose from in your life ahead and no part of you would feel like you should put up with or try to negotiate a woman’s disrespect. As such you will attract more women as well.

It’s my hope that this experience helps you feel stronger in yourself and leads you to even better women ahead.

Yes, agreed. I know this ‘you’re the prize’ has become somewhat of a PUA trope, but you really do have to view yourself as king of your own world and treat yourself as such, even if others don’t see you as such. And while on that note, if a guy is going to treat a woman like a Queen, he should expect to be treated like a King. No ifs or buts about it.