Friend-Zoned by my wife (Personal experience)

[Apa-thy]

Hello, this is based on my experience and from what I have been reading, there are a bunch of similar cases.

When I graduated from college 7 -8 years ago, I started dating this girl who graduated with me, even though we were not friends when we were studying the same career. She portrayed the image of being very sweet, extroverted and enjoyed being the center of attention, and since I am an introvert person (Not shy) i found that attractive.

She was kinda broken with her life (abusive ex boyfriend, parents, church, anorexia, etc) and I found some empathy for her “poor life” so I started a LTR with her. At first everything was as expected, we were having good sex (I was her first sex partner 24yo), since it was an extrovert-introvert relationship she would talk a lot and I would listen.

We were living in a very poor, dangerous country with lack of opportunities and since my grandparents were europeans I inherited the citizenship. In that moment I had the greatest idea “let’s get married (to get her the papers) and move to Europe”. And after 2 years of relationship we did! no proposal, no fancy wedding she would be ok with that.

As expected, when we moved to Europe with little money and no job, things got complicated because we had to do demanding jobs for low pay (As most inmigrants arriving to a new country especially in small town). On that moment she started bitttching more and more about how horrible and miserable was her life, it was draining my energy and I felt guilty. that brought out bad consequences, bad sex life being the most notorious, we were having intercourse 1 a month and it sucked (i didnt feel like having sex).

.After 2 years I found a decent job and we improved our economic life, and I had more energy and time to share with her. But sex life never improved, this time she was the one who didnt want because it hurted, she was having panic attacks and suffering from anxiety so i understood it and didnt force the situation.

2 years later (4 months ago) we moved to a big city in order to get a better life but one day she suddenly wakes up not talking with bad attitude and giving one-word-answers. I asked several times if there was something wrong, she said “nothing wrong”. 3 days later i ask her “are you going to tell me what is happening with you?” She said “you’re asking me now”... I was like WTF? I have asked several times.

She told me:

• She thought she didnt love me anymore.
• I am a great man. But she saw me as a roomie and not as a husband
• She deserves to be happy.
• She wasnt sure if she wanted to leave me, maybe she needed some time alone.
• She didnt get a proposal and didnt have the wedding she dreamed about so she felt frustrated and unhappy.
• She wants someone who is crazy about her and I am not.

My straight answer was: “Let’s divorce” no bitttching, no crying, no asking for 2nd chances. After 6 years she thinks she doesnt love me, I am not playing that game.
Tbh i was badly hurt, but my values didnt allow that shirt to happen.

I’ve been through these stages:

1st- Chaos and anger.
2nd- Sadness.
3rd- Acceptance.

On the 2nd stage, I naturally amplified my flaws and felt very guilty of the situation, as a man I know I have responsibility for many things that happened- didnt happen. So I talked to her, thanked her for the relationship and apologized for the things I could had done better and didn't do. (Still i didnt ask for 2nd chances) just being grateful and honest about my flaws.
In that moment I cried (i hadnt cried since i left my country and said goodbye to my family 5 years ago)... This was an honest cry, I couldnt help it. But instantly magic happened I felt released. I felt how sadness disappeared and felt released.

Now we’re still living together. I am going to help her to get her citizenship since I am a generous person and i am grateful for this ltr.. It wasnt all bad, we had very good times too.
We still have to live together for like 6 months more in order to get her papers and then it’s over forever.

I am excited to get into the game again. As for now, I must work on myself first.

The purpose of this post is for young guys dont ignore the red flags as I did:

Center of attention - Narcissistic
****ed up life and problems won't go away, they will evolve in other ones.
If she is a complainer she will always be and wont be grateful no matter what happens.
Failed relationships- one of her exes was very crazy about her and she lost interest and dumped him.
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR BALLS… I shutted up my mouth several times in order to avoid drama and her tears (you know, manipulation)...But it was my responsibility, I let it happen.
Take care of your sex life.
Also, be honest with your flaws but don't maximize them. Our instinct is to think we’re the biggest crap in the world and women smell that and try to make you feel worthless whenever they can.

Also, I am open to suggestions and advices, it’s hard to start over at 30’s but I know this forum has wise and experienced guys. Sorry for the long azz post.

 

[Stoic]

Sorry to hear that brother.

Been through divorce and it's not fun. I'm a pretty mentally tough guy and it was still hard for me. Been 3 years since divorce in a 9 year marriage and only in the last year felt like I was getting to the other side of it.

Sounds like no kids and that is a lucky break. I still have to see my ex every couple days for pick ups and drop offs.

Anyway not sure if you are Christian or not, but would recommend a group called Divorce Care. It has Christian undertones but is helpful even if you aren't. Also if you can afford it, see if you can find a good counselor and see if that helps. I had a a really cool wise counselor that had been through divorce and it was very helpful.

Now mostly on the other side of divorce, I'm enjoying life again. Lots of fun hobbies, shooting, tennis, motorcycles. And no shortage of sex. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Best of luck.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Welcome aboard...

I'm on my way out the door, or I would write more. You'll find plenty of people that have shared similar experiences and will offer different view points. Sorry to read of your circumstance, but wish you the best of luck.

You'll also probably encounter some members that will point fingers at you or say "you should have done" etc... but offer no real-time actual constructive advice. Take these members with a grain of salt.

 

[King Lion]

I'll share what someone told me when I went thru a break-up at your age...He said his father taught it to him:

"Tough times don't last - Tough people do"

Best Regards.

 

[Romanemp22]

You dodged a bullet that's for sure. I can tell you're a good guy and you definitely deserve a better woman who will not bullsh1t with you and who will give you sex when you demand it.
It could be she meet someone else, maybe she didn't. It's good you didn't plead over her asking for chances etc. You stood firmly on the ground and I respect that.

You're on a good road so keep working on yourself and you will meet a girl who will be better suit.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

50 cent said it best "Leave a woman where you found her" dont give her a come up, you let her do the work to be successful in her life

 

[logicallefty]

Welcome to the forum. Many of us have been there.
I like how you articulated the stages of grieving you have been through. If your At the acceptance stage already then you are in better shape than a lot of guys are when they come here. We try our best to help everybody. There are a small number of posters on here who have never been through anything like this and haven’t been laid in 5 years or ever. So they are cranky and will bust your nuts over anything you say. Just hit the ignore button on them and listen to the people who relate to your situation.

The only thing I have to add is that I noticed you said you are going to help this woman with her citizenship. That is fine, but make sure you are getting something in return. When you hit the divorce button she is no longer your woman and you won’t owe her anything. So if you were helping her with something make sure she is doing something for you.

 

[logicallefty]

Also, how old is this gal?

 

[RickTheToad]

Hello, this is based on my experience and from what I have been reading, there are a bunch of similar cases.

When I graduated from college 7 -8 years ago, I started dating this girl who graduated with me, even though we were not friends when we were studying the same career. She portrayed the image of being very sweet, extroverted and enjoyed being the center of attention, and since I am an introvert person (Not shy) i found that attractive.

She was kinda broken with her life (abusive ex boyfriend, parents, church, anorexia, etc) and I found some empathy for her “poor life” so I started a LTR with her. At first everything was as expected, we were having good sex (I was her first sex partner 24yo), since it was an extrovert-introvert relationship she would talk a lot and I would listen.

We were living in a very poor, dangerous country with lack of opportunities and since my grandparents were europeans I inherited the citizenship. In that moment I had the greatest idea “let’s get married (to get her the papers) and move to Europe”. And after 2 years of relationship we did! no proposal, no fancy wedding she would be ok with that.

As expected, when we moved to Europe with little money and no job, things got complicated because we had to do demanding jobs for low pay (As most inmigrants arriving to a new country especially in small town). On that moment she started bitttching more and more about how horrible and miserable was her life, it was draining my energy and I felt guilty. that brought out bad consequences, bad sex life being the most notorious, we were having intercourse 1 a month and it sucked (i didnt feel like having sex).

.After 2 years I found a decent job and we improved our economic life, and I had more energy and time to share with her. But sex life never improved, this time she was the one who didnt want because it hurted, she was having panic attacks and suffering from anxiety so i understood it and didnt force the situation.

2 years later (4 months ago) we moved to a big city in order to get a better life but one day she suddenly wakes up not talking with bad attitude and giving one-word-answers. I asked several times if there was something wrong, she said “nothing wrong”. 3 days later i ask her “are you going to tell me what is happening with you?” She said “you’re asking me now”... I was like WTF? I have asked several times.

She told me:

• She thought she didnt love me anymore.
• I am a great man. But she saw me as a roomie and not as a husband
• She deserves to be happy.
• She wasnt sure if she wanted to leave me, maybe she needed some time alone.
• She didnt get a proposal and didnt have the wedding she dreamed about so she felt frustrated and unhappy.
• She wants someone who is crazy about her and I am not.

My straight answer was: “Let’s divorce” no bitttching, no crying, no asking for 2nd chances. After 6 years she thinks she doesnt love me, I am not playing that game.
Tbh i was badly hurt, but my values didnt allow that shirt to happen.

I’ve been through these stages:

1st- Chaos and anger.
2nd- Sadness.
3rd- Acceptance.

On the 2nd stage, I naturally amplified my flaws and felt very guilty of the situation, as a man I know I have responsibility for many things that happened- didnt happen. So I talked to her, thanked her for the relationship and apologized for the things I could had done better and didn't do. (Still i didnt ask for 2nd chances) just being grateful and honest about my flaws.
In that moment I cried (i hadnt cried since i left my country and said goodbye to my family 5 years ago)... This was an honest cry, I couldnt help it. But instantly magic happened I felt released. I felt how sadness disappeared and felt released.

Now we’re still living together. I am going to help her to get her citizenship since I am a generous person and i am grateful for this ltr.. It wasnt all bad, we had very good times too.
We still have to live together for like 6 months more in order to get her papers and then it’s over forever.

I am excited to get into the game again. As for now, I must work on myself first.

The purpose of this post is for young guys dont ignore the red flags as I did:

Center of attention - Narcissistic
****ed up life and problems won't go away, they will evolve in other ones.
If she is a complainer she will always be and wont be grateful no matter what happens.
Failed relationships- one of her exes was very crazy about her and she lost interest and dumped him.
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR BALLS… I shutted up my mouth several times in order to avoid drama and her tears (you know, manipulation)...But it was my responsibility, I let it happen.
Take care of your sex life.
Also, be honest with your flaws but don't maximize them. Our instinct is to think we’re the biggest crap in the world and women smell that and try to make you feel worthless whenever they can.

Also, I am open to suggestions and advices, it’s hard to start over at 30’s but I know this forum has wise and experienced guys. Sorry for the long azz post.

You broke it off the right way. It's always best to stay on your purpose in life. If they follow, great, if they leave, great. You know why? Because if you give in, they subconsciously lose respect for you; and you'd lose them anyway. It's a catch-22. Stick to your purpose in life and continue on. If you get a ride or die b itch to stick with you, even better.

 

[Apa-thy]

Also, how old is this gal?

We're both 30. I'm still thinking about what can I ask in exchange.

Also:
Thanks everyone for the support. I’m not the support-seeking kind of guy, but you made me feel better.
Sometimes I even wonder if I am on the right path…

30 minutes ago we had a strong argument because our rent is ending in February (We pay 6 months in advance). So, she is accumulating the money for the next 6 months of rent. while I am covering all the expenses (food, services, CC, etc) . We have to be still living together in order to get her citizenship.
She tells me I have to pay for the next 6 months of expenses again, because she is paying for the rent. I explained to her logically and nicely that she has that money saved because I have been spending mine on services. But since we’re no longer a couple, the next 6 months we have to pay half-half on services.

She refused to accept that she has to pay for half of the expenses. And said “I won’t pay for anything, I am paying the rent, you have to pay the services” like my next 6 months I pay for food and services and she’ll accumulate all the money she’ll receive.

I got really mad and told her in a calm way “now, you revealed yourself. Very selfish and always trying to take advantage of everyone” She replied, “don't call me names, don't call me selfish” and started crying… I told her “you are and I don’t give a fvk for those tears, you won’t manipulate me this time”. She kept crying and went outside to take a walk while crying.

I don’t like arguments and calling people out… But she’s trying to fvck me up… And if I can, I won't let that happen..

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The entire relationship basically showed that at the time you were optionless amd when you are optionless you have a hard time giving up your only option, even of it isn't a good one and you convince yourself it is something it never was.

 

[Serenity]

You're kind enough to get her the citizenship, she better cover her own expenses since the only reason you're living there is to get her that.

You have strong leverage here, she can pay her own expenses or you move out and she can forgo citizenship.

 

[bat soup]

Hello, this is based on my experience and from what I have been reading, there are a bunch of similar cases.

When I graduated from college 7 -8 years ago, I started dating this girl who graduated with me, even though we were not friends when we were studying the same career. She portrayed the image of being very sweet, extroverted and enjoyed being the center of attention, and since I am an introvert person (Not shy) i found that attractive.

She was kinda broken with her life (abusive ex boyfriend, parents, church, anorexia, etc) and I found some empathy for her “poor life” so I started a LTR with her. At first everything was as expected, we were having good sex (I was her first sex partner 24yo), since it was an extrovert-introvert relationship she would talk a lot and I would listen.

We were living in a very poor, dangerous country with lack of opportunities and since my grandparents were europeans I inherited the citizenship. In that moment I had the greatest idea “let’s get married (to get her the papers) and move to Europe”. And after 2 years of relationship we did! no proposal, no fancy wedding she would be ok with that.

As expected, when we moved to Europe with little money and no job, things got complicated because we had to do demanding jobs for low pay (As most inmigrants arriving to a new country especially in small town). On that moment she started bitttching more and more about how horrible and miserable was her life, it was draining my energy and I felt guilty. that brought out bad consequences, bad sex life being the most notorious, we were having intercourse 1 a month and it sucked (i didnt feel like having sex).

.After 2 years I found a decent job and we improved our economic life, and I had more energy and time to share with her. But sex life never improved, this time she was the one who didnt want because it hurted, she was having panic attacks and suffering from anxiety so i understood it and didnt force the situation.

2 years later (4 months ago) we moved to a big city in order to get a better life but one day she suddenly wakes up not talking with bad attitude and giving one-word-answers. I asked several times if there was something wrong, she said “nothing wrong”. 3 days later i ask her “are you going to tell me what is happening with you?” She said “you’re asking me now”... I was like WTF? I have asked several times.

She told me:

• She thought she didnt love me anymore.
• I am a great man. But she saw me as a roomie and not as a husband
• She deserves to be happy.
• She wasnt sure if she wanted to leave me, maybe she needed some time alone.
• She didnt get a proposal and didnt have the wedding she dreamed about so she felt frustrated and unhappy.
• She wants someone who is crazy about her and I am not.

My straight answer was: “Let’s divorce” no bitttching, no crying, no asking for 2nd chances. After 6 years she thinks she doesnt love me, I am not playing that game.
Tbh i was badly hurt, but my values didnt allow that shirt to happen.

I’ve been through these stages:

1st- Chaos and anger.
2nd- Sadness.
3rd- Acceptance.

On the 2nd stage, I naturally amplified my flaws and felt very guilty of the situation, as a man I know I have responsibility for many things that happened- didnt happen. So I talked to her, thanked her for the relationship and apologized for the things I could had done better and didn't do. (Still i didnt ask for 2nd chances) just being grateful and honest about my flaws.
In that moment I cried (i hadnt cried since i left my country and said goodbye to my family 5 years ago)... This was an honest cry, I couldnt help it. But instantly magic happened I felt released. I felt how sadness disappeared and felt released.

Now we’re still living together. I am going to help her to get her citizenship since I am a generous person and i am grateful for this ltr.. It wasnt all bad, we had very good times too.
We still have to live together for like 6 months more in order to get her papers and then it’s over forever.

I am excited to get into the game again. As for now, I must work on myself first.

The purpose of this post is for young guys dont ignore the red flags as I did:

Center of attention - Narcissistic
****ed up life and problems won't go away, they will evolve in other ones.
If she is a complainer she will always be and wont be grateful no matter what happens.
Failed relationships- one of her exes was very crazy about her and she lost interest and dumped him.
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR BALLS… I shutted up my mouth several times in order to avoid drama and her tears (you know, manipulation)...But it was my responsibility, I let it happen.
Take care of your sex life.
Also, be honest with your flaws but don't maximize them. Our instinct is to think we’re the biggest crap in the world and women smell that and try to make you feel worthless whenever they can.

Also, I am open to suggestions and advices, it’s hard to start over at 30’s but I know this forum has wise and experienced guys. Sorry for the long azz post.

Dump that biatch at the airport with a one way ticket home.

I certainly wouldn't help a woman like that to get citizenship.

 

[Kotaix]

great post, and good man.

 

[rart]

Hello, this is based on my experience and from what I have been reading, there are a bunch of similar cases.

When I graduated from college 7 -8 years ago, I started dating this girl who graduated with me, even though we were not friends when we were studying the same career. She portrayed the image of being very sweet, extroverted and enjoyed being the center of attention, and since I am an introvert person (Not shy) i found that attractive.

She was kinda broken with her life (abusive ex boyfriend, parents, church, anorexia, etc) and I found some empathy for her “poor life” so I started a LTR with her. At first everything was as expected, we were having good sex (I was her first sex partner 24yo), since it was an extrovert-introvert relationship she would talk a lot and I would listen.

We were living in a very poor, dangerous country with lack of opportunities and since my grandparents were europeans I inherited the citizenship. In that moment I had the greatest idea “let’s get married (to get her the papers) and move to Europe”. And after 2 years of relationship we did! no proposal, no fancy wedding she would be ok with that.

As expected, when we moved to Europe with little money and no job, things got complicated because we had to do demanding jobs for low pay (As most inmigrants arriving to a new country especially in small town). On that moment she started bitttching more and more about how horrible and miserable was her life, it was draining my energy and I felt guilty. that brought out bad consequences, bad sex life being the most notorious, we were having intercourse 1 a month and it sucked (i didnt feel like having sex).

.After 2 years I found a decent job and we improved our economic life, and I had more energy and time to share with her. But sex life never improved, this time she was the one who didnt want because it hurted, she was having panic attacks and suffering from anxiety so i understood it and didnt force the situation.

2 years later (4 months ago) we moved to a big city in order to get a better life but one day she suddenly wakes up not talking with bad attitude and giving one-word-answers. I asked several times if there was something wrong, she said “nothing wrong”. 3 days later i ask her “are you going to tell me what is happening with you?” She said “you’re asking me now”... I was like WTF? I have asked several times.

She told me:

• She thought she didnt love me anymore.
• I am a great man. But she saw me as a roomie and not as a husband
• She deserves to be happy.
• She wasnt sure if she wanted to leave me, maybe she needed some time alone.
• She didnt get a proposal and didnt have the wedding she dreamed about so she felt frustrated and unhappy.
• She wants someone who is crazy about her and I am not.

My straight answer was: “Let’s divorce” no bitttching, no crying, no asking for 2nd chances. After 6 years she thinks she doesnt love me, I am not playing that game.
Tbh i was badly hurt, but my values didnt allow that shirt to happen.

I’ve been through these stages:

1st- Chaos and anger.
2nd- Sadness.
3rd- Acceptance.

On the 2nd stage, I naturally amplified my flaws and felt very guilty of the situation, as a man I know I have responsibility for many things that happened- didnt happen. So I talked to her, thanked her for the relationship and apologized for the things I could had done better and didn't do. (Still i didnt ask for 2nd chances) just being grateful and honest about my flaws.
In that moment I cried (i hadnt cried since i left my country and said goodbye to my family 5 years ago)... This was an honest cry, I couldnt help it. But instantly magic happened I felt released. I felt how sadness disappeared and felt released.

Now we’re still living together. I am going to help her to get her citizenship since I am a generous person and i am grateful for this ltr.. It wasnt all bad, we had very good times too.
We still have to live together for like 6 months more in order to get her papers and then it’s over forever.

I am excited to get into the game again. As for now, I must work on myself first.

The purpose of this post is for young guys dont ignore the red flags as I did:

Center of attention - Narcissistic
****ed up life and problems won't go away, they will evolve in other ones.
If she is a complainer she will always be and wont be grateful no matter what happens.
Failed relationships- one of her exes was very crazy about her and she lost interest and dumped him.
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR BALLS… I shutted up my mouth several times in order to avoid drama and her tears (you know, manipulation)...But it was my responsibility, I let it happen.
Take care of your sex life.
Also, be honest with your flaws but don't maximize them. Our instinct is to think we’re the biggest crap in the world and women smell that and try to make you feel worthless whenever they can.

Also, I am open to suggestions and advices, it’s hard to start over at 30’s but I know this forum has wise and experienced guys. Sorry for the long azz post.

I was in exact same situation. College sweetheart, moved across the globe together, etc. Looks like you didn't have kids with her. Major advantage for you.

Start anew. Build yourself up. Women will come.

 

[Lookatu]

Also, I am open to suggestions and advices, it’s hard to start over at 30’s but I know this forum has wise and experienced guys. Sorry for the long azz post.

• 30's is your best time and you're in your prime.
• You've identified and broke it up with a toxic situation
• You're making money now
• You're citizen
• You're more female aware by being on these forums

All positives in my eyes. Work on yourself so you'll be in a position to attract other quality gals.

 

[rart]

Also, stand you ground but be extremely careful with name calling and threats. Now days women cry "emotional abuse" and you can get into trouble.

Stand your ground but be civil.

I went through this at 40 and two kinds and now am happy. You are only 30 with now kinds. You will be just fine

 

[metalwater]

Dump that biatch at the airport with a one way ticket home.

I certainly wouldn't help a woman like that to get citizenship.

OP, your ok. It really goes like this often. Do what you need to do to keep your pride and integrity for yourself. As for the woman, no one will care later as long as you don't physically hurt her. Any energy you spend on helping her is wasted and you could use the same to build your own life and give to some future girl that will be grateful for it.

Get rid of her as quickly and less expensive as you can. I know that sounds cold.. however, she is being very cold.. cold behaviour gets cold treatment. not gold for cold, cold for cold.

The very worst thing that could happen is that you and her somehow patch up, and you spend another 5 or 10 years with cold...

When you moved to the new place, she saw other options, when you moved to the larger city she saw even more options. girls don't get it usually. they will believe the veneer that they can see and the grass is greener in another house.

Just based on what and how you write, she will never find another as good. she is stupid.

 

[bat soup]

I've never been treated this way, but then again I'd never allow someone to treat me this way.

She'd have found herself on her way home long before it got to this point.

 

[Ricky]

I'm in this situation with my wife now but we have a daughter together. It's really challenging.