Making approaches automatic?

[eternal5]

How does one make approaches automatic? I swear I've had plenty of missed opportunities from jobs, school, gym, friends of friends, and I have no ****ing clue how to make a move.

I'm a loner and comfortable being on my own, so I've never felt the need to try to get with someone (unless I happen to interact with them multiple times and overtime, I get attracted towards them). The drive just isn't there otherwise. It's only untiI I start thinking about what could've been that makes me wish I DID make a move, but I'm not sure. I'm too comfy observing it all.

 

[Lookatu]

You can always make them approach you. How you say?

Never tried it myself but have thought about it and logically it would seem to make sense.

Have something hanging off of you like a piece of paper/tissue that's stuck on you, extra mask dangling out of your back pocket looking like it could fall out, etc. Some gals may approach you to tell you about it. This would be a good opportunity to say something back and start a convo around it and see where it goes.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish the difference between ego and filling a void VS attraction.

Similar to yourself, I place a high value on solitude. Anytime I see a girl of possible interest, I think to myself "am I willing to give up some of my time to share with her?" A lot of the time, I'm not willing.

With the covid situation, options aren't nearly as plentiful as before (I live in a state that is more restrictive than most) . And with this.. there's the afterthought about opportunities that I neglected.

I suspect that your 'missed opportunities' are no different than mine. They really weren't missed opportunities. They only seem more appealing now because of a dry patch with women.

 

[Kotaix]

You make approaches automatic by doing it until it becomes second nature. You learn from your mistakes and move on.

There is no magic wand in this world for anything, but if you persist you can learn and accomplish pretty much anything. Do the work.

 

[darksprezzatura]

NOTE TO SELF:

When I started cold approaching, I read up a lot of content.

I could never really remember lines and stuff.

But I internalised the concepts and used my own variation.

Here goes.

My life and thoughts revolve around my goals and missions.

So when I approach a girl, I'm basically looking for opinions that help those goals.

Eg. I see a cute girl doing perfect form deadlifts, I'd go upto her and simply ask her since when has she been doing deadlifts.

Eg. I see a cute girl reading a non fiction book, I go upto her and ask her about the book.

Eg. I see a cute girl in the coffee shop, I'll go upto her and ask her if the place has great beans cuz it's the first time im coming here.

Followed by I'm guessing you live nearby. Small talk about context in her locality.

Quick false time constraint, I have to go in 5 minutes cuz my friends are waiting for me....BUT...

"Are/aren't there other great gyms/coffee place etc near your place?"

Small talk.

Most opener routines followed up by "I'm in the city for a couple of days as my work keeps me moving"

Bait and switch, she asks me a question about my work.

Boom, I'm a musician.

DHV.

Light playful neg about her weird nail paint whatever.

Qualify her.

Eyes light up.

Ask her if she's on instagram, take her ig, tell her to check out my profile.

Couple of thousand followers, 0 following if she does check

DHV.

Wait for 1-2 days, most girls have already started stalking following me/liking my posts.

Hit her up, straightaway.

I'm leaving the place on this this etc, come see me perform, record etc at this place at this time.

Enthusiastic.

First date close.

 

[flowtheory]

The way to make approach automatic is to never have any pressure on any ‘approach’. Never be attached to any outcome.

The only way to achieve this is to approach every person you come near, really. Old, middle-aged, adult, young adult, teens, kids. You just say something - anything - just to say something to engage without the need for something. It can just be saying something as simple as “wow this orange looks delicious” then literally walk away. You make a volley without the need of it being volleyed back. But sometimes people will; the ones who are open in that moment to the randomness of life.
But the whole point is just to get you to take the weight off of approaching. It becomes about the art of being you; open and curious.

This is why most cold approaching fails — the man approach with the need of something from her, rather than just to see if there’s something there of intrigue for either.

What you will soon discover is that some will respond and some won’t and none of what you say has to do with you. They will respond based generally on their mood or whatever else. But through this you will learn how little weight there is in saying something to a person has. And through this you will better learn how to engage with people through verbal communication. And you will also not put attractive women on a pedestal because of all the former, but really you will just be seeing how well attuned they are to having someone talk to them.

if you actually want to get good at approach. You have to get great at approaching. Not just women you deem attractive. Conversation and being compelling is an art and skill. So go sharpen that.

I once told myself everyday I would say hello to the next ten people I saw. I did. Some were happy I did, some didn’t care, and some were completely indifferent.
Then I start to tell myself to pick out something that was unique to that individual and engage the next ten people. The results were way different because it was about them, and not just a nicety.
when you start engaging everyone, you will come to see that all people respond very similarly. And you will also see people who think they are too good for most people. And through all this you will also see what actually attracts YOU about people. And most of the time? The attractive womenwe place so high up the rungs... they are very very boring and just have looks to offer lol

 

[SW15]

Max out testosterone. No soy, no processed foods, no porn, no masturbation. You will be quite horny and will approach a lot.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Unless you have Asperger's, I don't think approaches will never be "automatic." Automatic means you have absolutely zero feeling and you don't even think about it you just go and do it at the first sight of a hot girl. I really don't think any normal person, no matter how narcissistic (BTW those NPD guys fear approaches more than the introverts), or confident a guy is, can have zero emotion going into it and do it without thought. Sure, if a really confident guy is out with friends and trying to prove a point, he could approach any girl, but it wouldn't be automatic and he wouldn't go in with zero fear of any kind.

I went through a period where I approached a lot. I would literally spend entire weekends, or a week of vacation doing nothing but approaches. I can tell you this: The more you do it, the easier it gets. But it never felt automatic. It is also like a muscle in that if you don't use it, it fades away, but if you ever worked out the muscle until it was big, it is much easier to get back to where you were than it is to start from ground zero.

At my peak when I would approach around 100 girls in a week on vacation, it still wasn't automatic; there was still some level of me telling myself, "Ok here goes", and there were still some girls/situations where I chickened out. An example of the latter was 9's jogging with headphones on and drenched with sweat. That's a hard approach. I've never done one of those, but saw so many I wanted to.

I'm a loner and comfortable being on my own, so I've never felt the need to try to get with someone

It's only untiI I start thinking about what could've been that makes me wish I DID make a move, but I'm not sure. I'm too comfy observing it all.

Why? What do you feel could have been?

 

[eternal5]

The only way to achieve this is to approach every person you come near, really. Old, middle-aged, adult, young adult, teens, kids. You just say something - anything - just to say something to engage without the need for something.

This has been on my mind a lot recently. I've been thinking it's the first step I should take until I really feel comfortable talking to strangers cause I legit talk to nobody new since I have zero interest and mainly keep to myself. Small openers here and there with no endgame wouldn't hurt.

Why? What do you feel could have been?

Not really what could've been, poor choice of words. More so the kind of person I COULD be. Someone more outgoing, charming, pulls people in, etc. I'm just so used to being in my own world and minding my own business that this sort of stuff seems like such a drastic change and doesn't feel authentic to me.

 

[eternal5]

NOTE TO SELF:

When I started cold approaching, I read up a lot of content.

I could never really remember lines and stuff.

But I internalised the concepts and used my own variation.

Here goes.

My life and thoughts revolve around my goals and missions.

So when I approach a girl, I'm basically looking for opinions that help those goals.

Eg. I see a cute girl doing perfect form deadlifts, I'd go upto her and simply ask her since when has she been doing deadlifts.

Eg. I see a cute girl reading a non fiction book, I go upto her and ask her about the book.

Eg. I see a cute girl in the coffee shop, I'll go upto her and ask her if the place has great beans cuz it's the first time im coming here.

Followed by I'm guessing you live nearby. Small talk about context in her locality.

Quick false time constraint, I have to go in 5 minutes cuz my friends are waiting for me....BUT...

"Are/aren't there other great gyms/coffee place etc near your place?"

Small talk.

Most opener routines followed up by "I'm in the city for a couple of days as my work keeps me moving"

Bait and switch, she asks me a question about my work.

Boom, I'm a musician.

DHV.

Light playful neg about her weird nail paint whatever.

Qualify her.

Eyes light up.

Ask her if she's on instagram, take her ig, tell her to check out my profile.

Couple of thousand followers, 0 following if she does check

DHV.

Wait for 1-2 days, most girls have already started stalking following me/liking my posts.

Hit her up, straightaway.

I'm leaving the place on this this etc, come see me perform, record etc at this place at this time.

Enthusiastic.

First date close.

You ****ing wizard.

 

[flowtheory]

This has been on my mind a lot recently. I've been thinking it's the first step I should take until I really feel comfortable talking to strangers cause I legit talk to nobody new since I have zero interest and mainly keep to myself. Small openers here and there with no endgame wouldn't hurt.

And this is your problem right here.

You want a way to get to a level of automatically approaching any woman you want in a suave way. And in essence this means approaching without the obstructing voice of fear. But you haven’t yet even engaged on the most basic levels of approaching.

Build your foundation, it’s the most important part.

Talking to hot women is the most difficult for men. So starting there seems crazy, as too much is on the line without any skill. So you’re going to have to build up your abilities.

Hot women have most of the work done for them — they get approached and learn how to master banter, wit, and conversation through that medium. Men on the other hand? They have to build their own skills by going out and putting themselves in uncomfortable situations. Women have to get out of uncomfortable situations tactfully and learn how to not experience that again. You have to learn how to not make people uncomfortable, but rather comfortable by your presence. It’s like becoming games bond or any other charismatic character that society idolizes. And they do so for a number of reasons.

 

[eternal5]

And this is your problem right here.

You want a way to get to a level of automatically approaching any woman you want in a suave way. And in essence this means approaching without the obstructing voice of fear. But you haven’t yet even engaged on the most basic levels of approaching.

Build your foundation, it’s the most important part.

Talking to hot women is the most difficult for men. So starting there seems crazy, as too much is on the line without any skill. So you’re going to have to build up your abilities.

Hot women have most of the work done for them — they get approached and learn how to master banter, wit, and conversation through that medium. Men on the other hand? They have to build their own skills by going out and putting themselves in uncomfortable situations. Women have to get out of uncomfortable situations tactfully and learn how to not experience that again. You have to learn how to not make people uncomfortable, but rather comfortable by your presence. It’s like becoming games bond or any other charismatic character that society idolizes. And they do so for a number of reasons.

I'll reflect on this and do something about it. Appreciate ya boss.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

How does one make approaches automatic? I swear I've had plenty of missed opportunities from jobs, school, gym, friends of friends, and I have no ****ing clue how to make a move.

I'm a loner and comfortable being on my own, so I've never felt the need to try to get with someone (unless I happen to interact with them multiple times and overtime, I get attracted towards them). The drive just isn't there otherwise. It's only untiI I start thinking about what could've been that makes me wish I DID make a move, but I'm not sure. I'm too comfy observing it all.

Change. Approach. I approach bars, clubs, parks, walking my dog, yoga, martial arts, Starbucks, etc. It's automatic. It's not easy but it's a automatic response.

YouTube rsd tyler 6 step. Read old MM. GET past AA. Stack thereafter. It ain't easy. Don't. Go nuts and obsess. Go approach 5x everywhere. Done.

 

[momentomori]

I've honestly just been making it a point to say "Hi" to people lately. Or initiating a basic social interaction such as saying "Have a nice day" to a clerk rather than letting them be the first to say it to me. Like you, I tend keep my head down and handle my business. I'm usually pretty friendly once someone does interact with me, but I don't often initiate interactions, as there is a part of me that feels that most people are just let-downs anyway, so why bother? I also feel as though I may be being intrusive if I try talk to people. But making it a point to initiate social interactions seems to be a step in the right direction.

Also, I think a logical progression from this basic suggestion is to then give compliments to people ("hey, dope shoes"). And then building from that, having a conversation to follow the compliment, and then following that telling a girl you think she's cute and then going for the number.

As mentioned above, I also think outcome independence is crucial. Any inkling of a desire for outcome or neediness is always cancer for any interaction with women. I think the mentality of casting a line and seeing if they bite is good. IMO don't try to target the only hot girl, for me it tends to lead to being in my own head and being overly outcome independent. Instead, as mentioned above again, try to be a generally social guy who intiates interactions with everyone; its just a basic facet of your personality. You have no issues with approaching and initiating conversations with people in general, not just hot girls.

 

[user43770]

I approach automatically when Im in a good mood. Natural introvert. It requires practice and self confidence. Nothing will make me approach when Im tired or stressed though, nothing.

Based.

But there is a lot of trial and error that leads up to this kind of perspective. You don't just wake up here one day.

You have to try with women. Fail mostly, succeed occasionally. But mostly just be around them a lot.

Learn that they are nothing to be feared. They piss and sh2t, after all.

You know what I just did? Took a piss.

 

[eternal5]

Read old MM. GET past AA.

What does this mean?

I've honestly just been making it a point to say "Hi" to people lately. Or initiating a basic social interaction such as saying "Have a nice day" to a clerk rather than letting them be the first to say it to me. Like you, I tend keep my head down and handle my business. I'm usually pretty friendly once someone does interact with me, but I don't often initiate interactions, as there is a part of me that feels that most people are just let-downs anyway, so why bother? I also feel as though I may be being intrusive if I try talk to people. But making it a point to initiate social interactions seems to be a step in the right direction.

Also, I think a logical progression from this basic suggestion is to then give compliments to people ("hey, dope shoes"). And then building from that, having a conversation to follow the compliment, and then following that telling a girl you think she's cute and then going for the number.

As mentioned above, I also think outcome independence is crucial. Any inkling of a desire for outcome or neediness is always cancer for any interaction with women. I think the mentality of casting a line and seeing if they bite is good. IMO don't try to target the only hot girl, for me it tends to lead to being in my own head and being overly outcome independent. Instead, as mentioned above again, try to be a generally social guy who intiates interactions with everyone; its just a basic facet of your personality. You have no issues with approaching and initiating conversations with people in general, not just hot girls.

See, I don't even do that. I don't say hi or tell people to have a nice day unless they tell me first lol. It's a good start though and I'll work on it.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

What does this mean?


See, I don't even do that. I don't say hi or tell people to have a nice day unless they tell me first lol. It's a good start though and I'll work on it.

Approach anxiety.

Get past it by approaching everyday. Look up 30 day challenge. Style life academy. I bet you can find it free or old field reports. Ideal for a noob framework. The rsd tyler six steps are easy to use. YouTube rsd tyler elliot Hulse 6 steps. Trick is to look at everything as one big set made by several smaller sets. It makes merging easier and internalise application easier. For advanced techniques, approach as if you have already went ass to mouth and busted on her face. Zero ****s.

Nonchalant ft2

 

[bat soup]

You can always make them approach you. How you say?

Never tried it myself but have thought about it and logically it would seem to make sense.

Have something hanging off of you like a piece of paper/tissue that's stuck on you, extra mask dangling out of your back pocket looking like it could fall out, etc. Some gals may approach you to tell you about it. This would be a good opportunity to say something back and start a convo around it and see where it goes.

You could wear a t shirt that says "nice tits". But that just seems to attract angry feminists.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I think @flowtheory nails it. It’s about not needing anything from the interaction, and just having a curiosity and openness about people.

The guy I had been seeing recently was completely automatic about approaching. He’d wing for my male friends effortlessly when we were all out together. He prides himself on that ability.

But he also is keenly aware that my experience as a beautiful woman is very different from his experience as a guy (a handsome guy at that...) he would seem almost resentful of it at times. I get it, insofar as I’m able to get it because I remember what it’s like to feel invisible from years ago in my youth...and men sometimes make the assumption that beautiful women always get everything handed to them, which I’m here to tell you is NOT the case, at least not from the men you really want.

Women who are really sought after have to learn the art of saying no in order to remain open to the men they really are interested in. Few men realize this.

If I’m at a party for example I don’t want to spend all my limited time tied up in conversation with someone I don’t have attraction toward. So I’ve got to disengage to remain open to others. Same thing if I’m out. But men who I have zero interest in approach me all the time. I don’t owe these men anything. If I’m not interested I’ll be polite and end the conversation. Some men resent this. Develop grace about rejection. Otherwise you look butthurt and that is never a good reflection on you.

Part of becoming socially calibrated is learning how to disengage after the approach or learning to gracefully absorb a rejection.

That’s why becoming outcome independent is so important. Develop genuine curiosity about other people and learn not to care what people think.

It is terribly self absorbed to have this idea that you matter to others. Each of us is just another human walking around at the end of the day. If you run into someone and you click? That’s cool. See where it goes. Just understand that every individual is just as self absorbed and self important as you are...and therefore doesn’t put too much stock in what you or any other stranger happens to be doing. When you really internalize that your ego will let go of outcome dependence.

And you’ll behave in a more relaxed (and naturally more attractive) manner.

Cheers

 

[eternal5]

I think @flowtheory nails it. It’s about not needing anything from the interaction, and just having a curiosity and openness about people.

This is my gonna be my biggest obstacle. As of now, I have no genuine curiosity. I have no questions to ask myself about people that make me want to learn about or talk to them.

I talked to a friend about it who will literally strike up a conversation with anybody and he says he likes digging in to peoples brains and seeing what makes them tick, so that's why he'll engage them. Another friend is genuinely a good guy and he likes winning people over and likes making them feel good about themselves.

All this sounds cool and all but I'm far from being able to make others feel good about themselves or the conversational skills to see what makes people tick. I'll get there though, hopefully.