Need some advice...

[gsintx]

Long story short, gf and i have been dating almost 5 years and we briefly broke up a couple days ago. She was scheduled to move her things out of our place a couple days ago but she told me that she couldn't do it and changed her mind (albeit delaying it).

Yesterday, we talked and we agreed that maybe we should try out couples therapy (the first time we tried, it didnt really help and she accused the guy of siding with me). I got the appointment scheduled.

This morning, I got a text from her saying she doesn't know how therapy is going to help with what's going on with each of us but (she guesses) it won't hurt. Then she proceeded to (ONLY) bring up what I used to do that bothered her (i.e. get upset over small things, throw temper tantrums when she doesn't acknowledge me, etc.)and asked what will make me change now.

I made the unfortunate mistake of asking her if she talked to someone . She asked me why i always blame others for changing her outlook and then asked / accused me of manipulating her so she can stop talking to others. I asked if i could see her thread and she said that she doesn't feel comfortable doing that. SO I asked for a high level overview of what they/she said, and then she asked me why I always need to know and that she feels like she is going through a series of emotions and grieving . Then proceeds to send me a meme that shows 'telltale signs of an abusive relationship'

How do i respond to this?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Tell her "I think its time we go our separate ways" and then walk away. Nothing good is going to come from you trying to keep her around...she is already in the process of checking out but doing it while still being your GF.

A quick sudden break will get her anxiety up about losing you forever and could be what ultimately gets her chasing you again to get you back. Do NOT stick around if you still want to be with her, you will only make it easier for her eventual exit.

You must walk away and then make her work to "earn" you back.

 

[gsintx]

Tell her "I think its time we go our separate ways" and then walk away. Nothing good is going to come from you trying to keep her around...she is already in the process of checking out but doing it while still being your GF.

A quick sudden break will get her anxiety up about losing you forever and could be what ultimately gets her chasing you again to get you back. Do NOT stick around if you still want to be with her, you will only make it easier for her eventual exit.

You must walk away and then make her work to "earn" you back.

Thanks, what response should I send to her?

 

[oldmanofthesea]

To really offer meaningful advice, we would need to know a lot more. Like who's idea was it for her to move out, and what were the reasons behind it? And also, what are you trying to achieve or accomplish here? Are you trying to salvage the relationship with her? If so, why do you want the relationship to continue?

I'm seeing some red flags here like you being focused on who she talked to and what was said instead of directly addressing what is going on between the two of you. Her saying you are controlling might or might not be true, but when I combine her saying that with your admitting to us that you were trying to see EXACTLY what she said and to whom, it does make me think that there could be some control issues from your side here. Girls are ALWAYS going to talk to their friends about relationship matters. You can't stop them from doing this and you can't play "damage control" about what they say about you and to whom.

Usually when things get to this point, the damage has already been done and can't be corrected, but given that you've been together for so long, there could be a chance, but again, I would need to understand the circumstances and your goals better to offer any meaningful advice.

 

[gsintx]

Please see responses below in bold:

Like who's idea was it for her to move out, and what were the reasons behind it?
Yeah , our latest argument was because she was looking at expensive homes (even though she recently lost her job and isn't working). She stormed out after that. She's going through major depression right now (COVID, job loss, etc.)

And also, what are you trying to achieve or accomplish here?
TO see if we can salvage it

Are you trying to salvage the relationship with her?
Possibly, yes

If so, why do you want the relationship to continue?
We've come too long , I feel this will take years to rebound from. It will suck for years

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thanks, what response should I send to her?

"Well, I certainly have no interest in someone who thinks I am abusing them, so I guess we should probably just go our separate ways."

It would preferable to do this in person but since I don't think you would be capable of holding your emotions in check since YOU seem to want the relationship more than her at this point, it might be better to do it via text, otherwise you could even make it worse for yourself by saying the wrong things in person.

Wait for other advice but that is how I would handle it. Also for the record, I am terrible in these situations from a standpoint of taking my own advice.

 

[gsintx]

Thanks for responding, What makes you think that I want this relationship more than her?

"Well, I certainly have no interest in someone who thinks I am abusing them, so I guess we should probably just go our separate ways."

It would preferable to do this in person but since I don't think you would be capable of holding your emotions in check since YOU seem to want the relationship more than her at this point, it might be better to do it via text, otherwise you could even make it worse for yourself by saying the wrong things in person.

Wait for other advice but that is how I would handle it. Also for the record, I am terrible in these situations from a standpoint of taking my own advice.

 

[Lookatu]

If you aren't planning on marrying her or having a family with her, eject now and don't waste another 5 years of your life.

If she's that weak and can't overcome job loss, Covid, etc. Ask yourself how she'll handle kids or any other tough situations in life with you? Like for example, if you lost your job or got sick? I know several gals that would instantly eject themselves the moment YOU have problems.

Also look objectively at your relationship and ask yourself if you did anything wrong or could improve in any areas. If you really wanted to salvage your relationship for whatever reason, I'd say for both of you to make a list of items that each did wrong and can improve upon and see if those can be met.

But I tend to think along the same lines as BackInTheGame78 and that she's already in the process of checking out. Also anytime a girl asks for advice from other girls, nothing can come good from it. Did she try to address these things with you first and you didn't listen? Or did she just go behind your back and ask for outside advice?

You should really look hard at this and cut your losses earlier than later.

Ask yourself what kinds of things she brings to the table that you can't get with most other girls out there?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thanks for responding, What makes you think that I want this relationship more than her?

You are posting on this forum about while she is in disconnect mode

 

[gsintx]

what do you mean disconnect mode? why did she changed her mind the first time after we broke up a couple days ago?

You are posting on this forum about while she is in disconnect mode

 

[gsintx]

If you aren't planning on marrying her or having a family with her, eject now and don't waste another 5 years of your life.

If she's that weak and can't overcome job loss, Covid, etc. Ask yourself how she'll handle kids or any other tough situations in life with you? Like for example, if you lost your job or got sick? I know several gals that would instantly eject themselves the moment YOU have problems.

Also look objectively at your relationship and ask yourself if you did anything wrong or could improve in any areas. If you really wanted to salvage your relationship for whatever reason, I'd say for both of you to make a list of items that each did wrong and can improve upon and see if those can be met.

But I tend to think along the same lines as BackInTheGame78 and that she's already in the process of checking out. Also anytime a girl asks for advice from other girls, nothing can come good from it. Did she try to address these things with you first and you didn't listen? Or did she just go behind your back and ask for outside advice?

You should really look hard at this and cut your losses earlier than later.

Ask yourself what kinds of things she brings to the table that you can't get with most other girls out there?

True. I guess loyalty and the fact she doesn't **** around. That's about it though. Just think itll suck for a while if we breakup now

 

[gsintx]

To really offer meaningful advice, we would need to know a lot more. Like who's idea was it for her to move out, and what were the reasons behind it? And also, what are you trying to achieve or accomplish here? Are you trying to salvage the relationship with her? If so, why do you want the relationship to continue?

I'm seeing some red flags here like you being focused on who she talked to and what was said instead of directly addressing what is going on between the two of you. Her saying you are controlling might or might not be true, but when I combine her saying that with your admitting to us that you were trying to see EXACTLY what she said and to whom, it does make me think that there could be some control issues from your side here. Girls are ALWAYS going to talk to their friends about relationship matters. You can't stop them from doing this and you can't play "damage control" about what they say about you and to whom.

Usually when things get to this point, the damage has already been done and can't be corrected, but given that you've been together for so long, there could be a chance, but again, I would need to understand the circumstances and your goals better to offer any meaningful advice.

Yeah. There was this friend that was trying to sabotage us from day 1 and has been (off and on) trying to break us apart). i was just curious if it was her.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

what do you mean disconnect mode? why did she changed her mind the first time after we broke up a couple days ago?

Because she isn't ready to let go of you physically yet so she will begin the process of emotionally disconnecting from you...hot and cold behavior...less frequent sex until it dries up completely...not wanting to see you or be around as much...until she drops the bomb on you one day.

She is in the process of this right now. Could be a few months before she completely walks but if you want to salvage this YOU have to show her you will walk away NOW. This will emotionally devastate her and flip the script in your favor. She will be the one acting desperate and needy instead of you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

True. I guess loyalty and the fact she doesn't **** around. That's about it though. Just think itll suck for a while if we breakup now

Anytime you find yourself in a relationship for convenience you probably need to find someone else.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Anytime you find yourself in a relationship for convenience you probably need to find someone else.

It's a form of disrespecting yourself

 

[gsintx]

What do you recommend I say / text?

Anytime you find yourself in a relationship for convenience you probably need to find someone else.

Because she isn't ready to let go of you physically yet so she will begin the process of emotionally disconnecting from you...hot and cold behavior...less frequent sex until it dries up completely...not wanting to see you or be around as much...until she drops the bomb on you one day.

She is in the process of this right now. Could be a few months before she completely walks but if you want to salvage this YOU have to show her you will walk away NOW. This will emotionally devastate her and flip the script in your favor. She will be the one acting desperate and needy instead of you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

What do you recommend I say / text?

It's literally in the post. Did you actually read it?

 

[Alvafe]

feh, she do ONE power play and he is all over her trying to apease her, when the situation was supose to be otherwise.


put her things in a box and tell her to come and get it in a time you are free, drop her things, and let her leave without saying much.

if she don't start a scene when she come get her thing I will not give her a week before you heard from her again, crying she made a mistake or some such, sorry story

 

[Atom Smasher]

@gsintx , women grieve the loss of a relationship many months before actually leaving, while men grieve it immediately after the final blow. You yourself mentioned she said she is grieving. She doesn't think the relationship has a snowball's chance in hell to survive, and she's probably right.

Don't be the dumpee. You need to tell her you've thought about it and you don't think it would be in your best interest to continue. Don't be emotional, don't be mad in front of her. Just tell her what's what. You will put her into a state of absolute shock and she will be forced to reevaluate everything. I highly recommend you do not try to rekindle things with her even if she begs, because more often than not a woman will come back, give you a false sense of security, and then walk away again out of spite. They never forget a perceived wrong.

She's already gone bro. Flip the script and put her in the position you're in now.

 

[gsintx]

Thanks , do you have any recommendations on how to go about this?

@gsintx , women grieve the loss of a relationship many months before actually leaving, while men grieve it immediately after the final blow. You yourself mentioned she said she is grieving. She doesn't think the relationship has a snowball's chance in hell to survive, and she's probably right.

Don't be the dumpee. You need to tell her you've thought about it and you don't think it would be in your best interest to continue. Don't be emotional, don't be mad in front of her. Just tell her what's what. You will put her into a state of absolute shock and she will be forced to reevaluate everything. I highly recommend you do not try to rekindle things with her even if she begs, because more often than not a woman will come back, give you a false sense of security, and then walk away again out of spite. They never forget a perceived wrong.

She's already gone bro. Flip the script and put her in the position you're in now.