Message from daughters mom.........

[derby1]

Ive had a DM from my daughters mom who I don't speak to, I communicate direct with my daughter who is 12. Also I'm neutral with mom so this message was a bit of a shock.

Just to cover our very good relationship.....

*up until 5 weeks ago she was with me at least 3 nights a week out of 10. (very close to each other)

*over the last 5 weeks she has messed me around a little, this coincides with her playing out a lot more with friends, so I was happy for her..

our last time together resulted in me having to give her a bit of a fathers chat about her social group and phone usage.(this may have made her mardy)

*we message at least 6 times a day(if anything i'm to available)

anyway fast forward to the message i receive

*got child in tears if shes honest its not the first time.

*If shes honest im losing her and pushing her away.

*child feels i only bother with her when it suits me (this is outrageous claim if anything my daughter has gone wishy washy the last 4 weeks which i was cool with as mentioned above)

*She yearns for my attention and gets hurt when i drop her at my moms for an hour(Ive done this twice in 6 months, god forbid she sees her opposite grandma)

*she messages her own mom when she is dropped off at nan, to make a reason for her to leave(this is quite hurtful if my daughter is actually doing this as her nan has done nothing wrong)

*I dont put time aside for her so she makes plans with friends (Ive took her on 2 holidays and 2 weekends away in the last 8 weeks, plus multiple sleepovers)

*the girl is currently hurting and crying
...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

All this has come as a shock to me as you can understand there false allegations, if anything totally the opposite is true. However my daughter has gone a bit distant in the last month....I also dont like the fact me dropping my daughter off to her opposite nan & grandad for an hour is made out to be shocking, even if have dropped her off its probably been once in the last 5 get togethers....

Ive noticed there was a reason for her to leave sooner when I criticised her recently, about her phone usage & one of her friends, her mom called her and said "tea would be ready an hour earlier".......................hmmmmm

your thoughts? Shes not a naughty child, infact shes fantastic... However her mom & and opposite nan & grandad are like disneyland they wont guide children through life, or discpline

 

[2Rocky]

your daughter is 12. She is going through a hormonal turmoil. This is part of the teen years.

Best thing to do is talk directly with your daughter that her mother was concerned, told you and you wanted to ask her if there is something she doesn't like.

Address the issue with your daughter directly.

My children's mother loves to tell me all the ways I'm screwing up my relationship with my daughters. When i ask them they will tell me one little part they might have complained to their mom about. We talk about it, and come to a solution mutually.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

moms are masters at manipulation and making dads feel like lousy fathers. Long as you know you're doing the best you can then screw her.

 

[2Rocky]

As men we need to make sure to COMMUNICATE rather than just TALK. That means listening more than talking.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

moms are masters at manipulation and making dads feel like lousy fathers. Long as you know you're doing the best you can then screw her.

They do that to take the power in the situations between your child and you.

 

[jaymbrs]

Agreed with @2Rocky . My ex's daughter has turned into a lying, manipulative kid at 11-12 years of age. After checking with friends with kids the same age, it seems to be the norm for them too when they're this age. As for how to handle it, I can't offer anything. But hope you knowing you're not the only person dealing with something like this brings you some kind of relief.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I’d say it’s partly the age and it’s partly the situation. I’ve got 3 kids. The MOST emotional turmoil happens between 12 and 14 years of age as all the hormones start hitting. Saw this with both my son & middle daughter...and my youngest turns 12 soon so it’s coming with her I’m sure.

Keep good communication with your daughter and ask her directly how she’s feeling about matters. Then as others have said, really listen.

If your daughter feels heard she will listen to what you have to say...and of course she will watch what you do.

Emotionally she’ll still be all over the place. It really is the age.

Try to be patient & understanding. If this is your first time through with a kid this age (and if it’s her mother’s first time too) you’ll get thrown for a loop if you aren’t careful. Hold frame with your daughter. Do not waver in your standards and requirements.

This is the critical time when she gets imprinted on what a real man is and how a real man behaves. I recall being that age. I railed at my father and pushed every boundary. He held firm. Solid. I thought he was an ass...and I learned from him what a man is because my father never folded. I developed great respect for my father, due in some measure to how he handled that difficult preteen to teen time.

You are not alone. Hold frame & hang in there.

Cheers

 

[2Rocky]

Advice from the old lady:

This is the critical time when she gets imprinted on what a real man is and how a real man behaves. I recall being that age. I railed at my father and pushed every boundary. He held firm. Solid. I thought he was an ass...and I learned from him what a man is because my father never folded. I developed great respect for my father, due in some measure to how he handled that difficult preteen to teen time.

You are not alone. Hold frame & hang in there.

Cheers

Thanks for the reinforcement.

 

[derby1]

Hold frame with your daughter. Do not waver in your standards and requirements.

I knew this innately, I wont let my standards and requirements be shifted. I appreciate hearing it from other members

I think the allegations shook me last night out the blue...Ive battled tooth and nail to see my daughter this last 2 years.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

They do that to take the power in the situations between your child and you.

If you pay attention to ex wives especially if you have children. She will be attempting to take power in any situation you are a part of that she's aware. Or lesson your influence, which is still "taking".

She will paint you as a bad guy and incapable and her ego depends on keeping you leveraged "down". This is why they are furious when you find happiness and another grateful female in your life.

 

[derby1]

how shall i handle the fact my daughter apparently messages her mom , or moms dad. to cut her afternoon with her nan(my mom) short.?

I find this quite deceitful/disappointing on my daughters part.

I would only be able to confirm if i checked my daughters phone

 

[ThisIsSparta]

how shall i handle the fact my daughter apparently messages her mom , or moms dad. to cut her afternoon with her nan(my mom) short.?

I find this quite deceitful/disappointing on my daughters part.

I would only be able to confirm if i checked my daughters phone

Its great what you do for your daughter and i guess most of the allegations come out of your ex-wifes head.
As others allready stated, much can be the normal hormonal drama of a 12 year old girl.

I just dont understand that granny-thing.

If she doesnt feel comfortable (alone?) with your mom, dont put her in the situation.
If your mother wants to see her, maybe she can come over to your place for an hour or you could arrange a meeting on neutral ground.
Even if you think your mother does nothing wrong and your mother acutally doesnt do anything wrong, you both should respect that the kid doesnt want to be there for the time being.
Why your daughter doesnt want to go there doesnt really matter in my opinion. Fact seems to be she doesnt want to, so dont make her go there.

You are fighting a war here, you dont need to win the battles for your mother on cost of your own relationship to your kid.

Focus on YOUR relationship to your daughter, everything else is secondary.

 

[derby1]

If she doesnt feel comfortable (alone?) with your mom, dont put her in the situation.

my moms lovely however she probably at times comes across as a 1950s headteacher. The opposite grandparents, are like disneyland, no discipline, no order in the house, they let everyone do what they want.

My mom was raised with her dad who ran everything in military fashion.

this probably doesnt appeal to my daughter

 

[ThisIsSparta]

my moms lovely however she probably at times comes across as a 1950s headteacher. The opposite grandparents, are like disneyland, no discipline, no order in the house, they let everyone do what they want.

My mom was raised with her dad who ran everything in military fashion.

this probably doesnt appeal to my daughter

I see and there is nothing wrong with discipline, frames and rules.

BUT..... as i see it, your kids mother weaponizes this against you.

I would shut down as much attack-vectors as possible for your ex-wife.
The reluctance of your daughter to see (stay at) granny will be exploited if you let this continue.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I see and there is nothing wrong with discipline, frames and rules.

BUT..... as i see it, your kids mother weaponizes this against you.

I would shut down as much attack-vectors as possible for your ex-wife.
The reluctance of your daughter to see (stay at) granny will be exploited if you let this continue.

Give example of some of these attack vectors.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Give example of some of these attack vectors.

I dont know all of whats going on.

From what i learned in this thread:

1.) The mother blames him for the granny-situation
2.) The mother blames him for not putting time aside to spend with his daughter
3.) The mother blames him for hurting the kids feelings and make her cry

 

[derby1]

Just an update

1) my daughter is now making excuses not to see me.( I have seen her 3 times in the last 6 weeks so its not the end of the world yet.)

2) she messages me about 3-4 times a day still.

3) I called yesterday and she seemed distant with me but not upset.

its literally text book red pill , but from my own daughter and her mom.

disappointed

 

[bcude]

Deal with the source and not with the messenger. This will be the relationship that truly counts for the rest of your life. Your ex most often will not be a true friend and ally, she'll be a woman using manipulative tactics to her advantage when it suits her. I've noticed that mothers have honed this skill to perfection with shaming being the most common weapon of choice.
There's nothing you can do to change that, but when you work on being a good father and rolemodel for your daughter, your daughter will take notice and make up her own mind about things as she ages. Don't let your ex get under your skin with untrue statements and solve the issues directly with your daughter.

 

[derby1]

I will, she obviously sent me a very long novel of accusations through a message, finished with the predictable:

"Dont tell the daughter i told you these things"

How can i not bring all this up with my daughter in a cool manner, ?

 

[2Rocky]

I will, she obviously sent me a very long novel of accusations through a message, finished with the predictable:

"Dont tell the daughter i told you these things"

How can i not bring all this up with my daughter in a cool manner, ?

You can address it without mentioning her mother. Just makes you seem more "all-knowing" Ask open ended questions. More to compare to what the mother is saying.

Don't take what she says as gospel, but remember what she said. If there is a disagreement over your daughter's parenting time with you , she may be showing her hand. Don't debate it with her, but be ready to defend your actions if called to in the future. Most likely from your daughter.

Remember you are the parent and it is up to you to do what you think is best for your child while she is in your care.