Learning to become Alpha after being cheated on (long story)

[TB24]

Hi,

my wife (mid 30, hot as hell) and I (42) are together for more than 12 years. We have 4 kids. Educated, good jobs, nice house, luxury cars, etc.

You can find a description of our marriage in Rollo Tomassis 'Rational Male':

Hot party girl with lots of 'experience' (both good and some very traumatic) looks for serious LTR/marriage with kids. Finds handsome, intelligent and socially compatible nice guy and approaches him (not vice versa). They start a relationship. She desperately wants to marry him as fast as possible and wants to have kids at all costs. He's a 30 year old serial monogamist and had nice Disney girlfriends before that. While she worked as a stripper for some time, he is blue-pill as hell. He's in her frame right from the start (albeit he's 30 and she's 22).

He comes from a nice family, so does she. Both fathers are 100% blue-pill Betas. In both families, the mothers are in control. The fathers always give in to the moods of the mothers to avoid drama. Life is peaceful (and probably sexless) in both families.

She tries really hard to be the best wife material she can be. Totally cares about his and her families. Does a lot of chores, constantly talks about marrying, secretly stops taking birth control pills. After two years, they marry. Over the next seven years, they get 4 kids. He has a career job. Management level. Rather boring, but good income and working hours that are compatible with having a family life. Stays around and helps her whenever he can. Abandoned a probably more interesting career path for that. Family and kids come first... She has some part time jobs that she can more or less handle from home in a few hours a day. Sometimes more, mostly less.

As a prototypical AFC, he puts her on a pedestral, tries to fulfill all her wishes and fails every **** test. Becomes even more beta/needy/nerdy. He is a manager/decider in his job, but asks her almost verbally for permission for family decisions on a daily basis (e.g. which oatmeal to buy for the daughter). Wants to discuss everything in detail and has the emotional intelligence of Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory.

Life with kids is demanding and so is his job. He'subconsciously disappointed that she doesn't admire him although he's such a good provider. So he becomes lazy: No real vision, less sports and activities, 25 pound overweight, drinks regularly, watches a lot of porn. Helps with the kids and chores around the house. No passion. But balance and a stable life with a good economic and social status (see: parents above). The frame is hers.

Sex ranges from bad to acceptable. He was conditioned by his former Disney girlfriends to be nice in bed. She doesn't want to appear as a slut. Refuses every variation from the norm. He performs badly, she becomes less and less interested. He's insecure because he obviously can't keep up with her former lovers. So, he watches more porn, becomes more beta, insecure and needy. Sex becomes worse and even less frequent. Vicious circle.

On a provider level, everything is great. All through the years, they tell each other more or less daily 'I love you', they cuddle, they have a 'nice' life. They have scheduled (boring) sex and uninspired *******s. They have established efficient mechanisms for managing the kids and the household duties. Vacations are nice, food is good. Life is boring, passion is gone.

This spring, he senses that there's something going on. Indications, albeit no proofs, of infidelity or at least planned infidelity. He sets half-hearted and fuzzy boundaries that she ignores. He doesn't want to see the obvious as he feels that his SMV compared to hers currently is too low to win this battle. Better no confrontation than one that he would probably lose.

But this triggers something in him. After being whiny for a couple of days, he finally gets his act together and starts to get in shape. Works his ass off. Reads about red pill and books from Rollo Tomassi, Athol Kay and some others. Has kind of a revelation and realizes what an AFC he was all the time. Quits watching porn, drinking alcohol and eating junk. Gets up in the middle of the night and works out 3-5 hours each day. He won't give up without a fight: Lifting heavier than ever, running, starting martial arts. No excuses. Heart of a warrior. Loses 25 pounds in 10 weeks, runs a marathon, has a sixpack and the most athletic body he's ever had. Total body transformation. **** test frequency decrease, sex frequency increases.

Then, he finds out that she's had a **** buddy for three months. At that time, the affair was already over. She first denies, but the evidence is pretty overwhelming. So, she confesses. And other infidelities over the years as well (before and after the marriage). He is not surprised, because this is exactly what a man gets according to The Rational Male if he behaves like he did.

Looks like she was/still is in kind of a eat-pray-love stage of her life now that the kids are not that demanding anymore (or we have more efficient routines for handling them, respectively). Her job allows that she invests a lot of her daytime in self-improvement, shopping nice outfits, staying in shape and developing her instagram profile (with several thousand followers who tell her on a daily basis how hot she is).

[to be continued in the first comment]

 

[TB24]

That was in June. Although it was the worst experience of my life, I was also relieved to finally learn the truth about her secret activities and life in general. Welcome to red-pill land. More than anything, I was angry about myself for being such a chump for like 25 years.

We had several long talks in June. She doesn't regret the affair(s). She loves me (and the kids). But she has desires that simply weren't fulfilled in our marriage. She loves being with me and the kids but she has other needs as well. On the one hand, I'm totally angry about how I/we lived my/our lives. On the other hand, a whole new world kind of appeared to me with so much potential that can be tapped: If I learn and do it right, my life can improve on so many levels.

She sees that I am now at version 2.0. However, she isn't sure if this will last and what person I will be in 6 months. Also, she is not at her version 2.0 and is not sure if she even wants to be. It feels good to flirt and to be desired by other men. She's used to it and feels that at least flirting and seeking attention/validation is part of her identity She wants to be a person of her own and not (only) be defined as my wife and the mother of our kids.

We talked about several outcomes: Separating? Staying together? We are definitely more open to each other (and to ourselves) about our deepest desires. We talked about things we never admitted to each other before. We decided to stay together, learn from the past and hopefully find a way to have a happy and full life together. We, however, both don't know how things develop in the future.

In the two months since then, our relationship improved a lot. Especially our sex life. Both in terms of frequency and quality. We did things that we never did before (at least with each other). I was more Alpha, she was more slut. Feels like a new beginning. She told me that she watches porn a couple of times a week (since a long time before we met). In the past, she always denied that. We kiss, we laugh, we moan, we talk dirty during sex.

She told me that she wants to have a threesome with a (married) friend of hers. I'm not ready for this (at least not yet). But never in my wildest dreams would she have revealed such fantasies in the past. Probably she would have had an affair with him (and perhaps she has right now), but she wouldn't have told me about that fantasy. And I, too, gain confidence in doing things that I wouldn't have dared to do in the past. So, as hard as the experience of being cheated on was, our marriage and our sex life definitely improved. I'm the best version of me that I ever was and we're still together, whereas half a years ago, I was a chump and she was emotionally ready to move on (although in the end she didn't).

There are moments in which I think if I could handle a threesome, having an affair myself or even an open marriage. Would that make my life more interesting and fuller? Should I even care if she has more affairs? Would it make any difference at all? What would be more Alpha: Forbidding affairs? Or don't caring about it at all and spinning plates myself?

Although my life changed a lot during the last months, I feel that I have a long way to go until I will have inner peace (either with her in a monogamous relationship, an open one or with a different partner). Right now, it hurts to say, but if I'm honest to myself I have to admit that
... I don't trust her
... she doesn't respect me (as much as I want to)
... she thinks that I now look really good, but she's obviously not attracted to me (as much as I want it to be). I want her to either have butterflies in her stomach or wet panties when she thinks about me. Not a shopping list in her hand which says what needs to be bought from the supermarket.

Trust:
I guess, my understanding of trust is still too blue pill and I confuse trust with control or an eternal vow. Perhaps it's part of red pill world that you can not and should not trust a woman too much at all (hypergamy, AWALT,...). Just stay in shape, be Alpha and the rest will follow.

Respect/Attraction:
This comes down to being more Alpha as well. I know how badly in love she was with her ex who definitely wasn't marriage material and treated her like ****. Right now, she says that she's attracted by that married guy I mentioned above. I wouldn't say, he's more attractive than I am. But according to her 'he is so masculine'. He doesn't give a sh.t about anything. She knows that he finds her hot, but pretends that he doesn't care (or perhaps he really doesn't care at all). That's how she f..ing should feel about me, not him!

I don't think that she would like to be married to him instead. Or to her ex boyfriend. The whole attraction level would probably also be a different one if she sees them regularly change diapers or doing the laundry. Or constantly having four young kids around him. And because auf AWALT, this would not only be a problem in a relationship with her but with every other woman as well. Thus, I have to f..ing take my SMV to another level, kill my ONEitis, take her off that pedestral and become f..ing Alpha myself.

I don't know where we will be in a year from now. But either with her or without her, I have to make the transition from Nice Guy to Alpha. So, I'm thankful that you read this long story from beginning to end and would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. Many of you will probably suggest to just give up on her, but I will not do this until I'm sure to have become the best (and most Alpha) version of me that I can. Thus, first Alpha. Then, evaluate the effect. Not the other way round. It's an uphill battle, but I am a warrior and I'm ready to enter this fight.

So, practical advice that can be applied in a LTR/marriage with kids are very much appreciated!
- Reducing the chores and being more selfish!?
- Being more absent? Work longer hours?
- Don't compliment her anymore? (She totally craves for attention and validation)
- Stop caring where she is and with whom? One affair more or less actually doesn't make a difference, right? So don't try to control what you can't control!?
- Flirting with other women (I've never done this in my marriage)?
- Even an affair or escort to heal the ONEitis and get mental peace?
- ...is this even the right direction..?
- ...or perhaps the opposite: Don't overreact. 4 months of a very improved lifestyle can't erase 12 years of AFC chumpness. Don't expect things to change overnight and just be consistent and patient..!? STFU and subtly add more Alpha elements to your life. Don't fall from one extreme to the other..?

Really, any advice is greatly appreciated!

TB24

 

[HyenaPrince]

You seem to know what to do. You basically solved each and every problem right after you mentioned it. But you're still unwilling to do the only correct thing. Namely leaving her. Why are you staying? Is it because of your children? Or because she's "hot as hell"?

I'm telling you this: you will end up getting hurt even more. Your self-respect will suffer and eventually fade away. Even thinking about ignoring her infidelity is extremely self destructive.

 

[oc16]

There is no such thing as an Alpha Male, get that idea out of you're head!

Human beings are way too complex.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

It's phucked up. You married a slut, had babies with her and you write that you hate she disrespects you since years yet you upgrade for her to think about you otherwise.

You think she didn't notice why you did that in the first place? Think twice.

The truth is she always considered you mostly a useful tool and simply 'liked' you because she noticed at the beginning that you are ready to s.uck up to her and in fact you have beta mentality. Years went on, she tried to have her dream of family with you and she (and you) arguably succeeded at it.

Now you suddenly want to be considered more alpha - tbh she choose you for a husband because she knew you will fall in line no matter what she will do - and you did so far.

She is still phucking around btw.

Your acceptance of her cheating on you was yet another confirmation that you are obedient and it certainly didn't make her more wet about you. On the contrary.

The funny thing is, I would never took back woman that cheated on me - no guy that does it because he 'loves' a woman is alpha imo. You have limited respect for yourself. Alpha is not only about muscles, looks or money and bi4tch is a bi4tch. Alpha female is certainly not a stripper.

It's about mindset.

 

[Baibars]

You can do whatever the fck you want and you can be the most handsome alpha guy with 0 flaws. If you continue to live with this slvt and even consider that 3some, i can't respect you.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

That was in June. Although it was the worst experience of my life, I was also relieved to finally learn the truth about her secret activities and life in general. Welcome to red-pill land. More than anything, I was angry about myself for being such a chump for like 25 years.

We had several long talks in June. She doesn't regret the affair(s). She loves me (and the kids). But she has desires that simply weren't fulfilled in our marriage. She loves being with me and the kids but she has other needs as well. On the one hand, I'm totally angry about how I/we lived my/our lives. On the other hand, a whole new world kind of appeared to me with so much potential that can be tapped: If I learn and do it right, my life can improve on so many levels.

She sees that I am now at version 2.0. However, she isn't sure if this will last and what person I will be in 6 months. Also, she is not at her version 2.0 and is not sure if she even wants to be. It feels good to flirt and to be desired by other men. She's used to it and feels that at least flirting and seeking attention/validation is part of her identity She wants to be a person of her own and not (only) be defined as my wife and the mother of our kids.

We talked about several outcomes: Separating? Staying together? We are definitely more open to each other (and to ourselves) about our deepest desires. We talked about things we never admitted to each other before. We decided to stay together, learn from the past and hopefully find a way to have a happy and full life together. We, however, both don't know how things develop in the future.

In the two months since then, our relationship improved a lot. Especially our sex life. Both in terms of frequency and quality. We did things that we never did before (at least with each other). I was more Alpha, she was more slut. Feels like a new beginning. She told me that she watches porn a couple of times a week (since a long time before we met). In the past, she always denied that. We kiss, we laugh, we moan, we talk dirty during sex.

She told me that she wants to have a threesome with a (married) friend of hers. I'm not ready for this (at least not yet). But never in my wildest dreams would she have revealed such fantasies in the past. Probably she would have had an affair with him (and perhaps she has right now), but she wouldn't have told me about that fantasy. And I, too, gain confidence in doing things that I wouldn't have dared to do in the past. So, as hard as the experience of being cheated on was, our marriage and our sex life definitely improved. I'm the best version of me that I ever was and we're still together, whereas half a years ago, I was a chump and she was emotionally ready to move on (although in the end she didn't).

There are moments in which I think if I could handle a threesome, having an affair myself or even an open marriage. Would that make my life more interesting and fuller? Should I even care if she has more affairs? Would it make any difference at all? What would be more Alpha: Forbidding affairs? Or don't caring about it at all and spinning plates myself?

Although my life changed a lot during the last months, I feel that I have a long way to go until I will have inner peace (either with her in a monogamous relationship, an open one or with a different partner). Right now, it hurts to say, but if I'm honest to myself I have to admit that
... I don't trust her
... she doesn't respect me (as much as I want to)
... she thinks that I now look really good, but she's obviously not attracted to me (as much as I want it to be). I want her to either have butterflies in her stomach or wet panties when she thinks about me. Not a shopping list in her hand which says what needs to be bought from the supermarket.

Trust:
I guess, my understanding of trust is still too blue pill and I confuse trust with control or an eternal vow. Perhaps it's part of red pill world that you can not and should not trust a woman too much at all (hypergamy, AWALT,...). Just stay in shape, be Alpha and the rest will follow.

Respect/Attraction:
This comes down to being more Alpha as well. I know how badly in love she was with her ex who definitely wasn't marriage material and treated her like ****. Right now, she says that she's attracted by that married guy I mentioned above. I wouldn't say, he's more attractive than I am. But according to her 'he is so masculine'. He doesn't give a sh.t about anything. She knows that he finds her hot, but pretends that he doesn't care (or perhaps he really doesn't care at all). That's how she f..ing should feel about me, not him!

I don't think that she would like to be married to him instead. Or to her ex boyfriend. The whole attraction level would probably also be a different one if she sees them regularly change diapers or doing the laundry. Or constantly having four young kids around him. And because auf AWALT, this would not only be a problem in a relationship with her but with every other woman as well. Thus, I have to f..ing take my SMV to another level, kill my ONEitis, take her off that pedestral and become f..ing Alpha myself.

I don't know where we will be in a year from now. But either with her or without her, I have to make the transition from Nice Guy to Alpha. So, I'm thankful that you read this long story from beginning to end and would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. Many of you will probably suggest to just give up on her, but I will not do this until I'm sure to have become the best (and most Alpha) version of me that I can. Thus, first Alpha. Then, evaluate the effect. Not the other way round. It's an uphill battle, but I am a warrior and I'm ready to enter this fight.

So, practical advice that can be applied in a LTR/marriage with kids are very much appreciated!
- Reducing the chores and being more selfish!?
- Being more absent? Work longer hours?
- Don't compliment her anymore? (She totally craves for attention and validation)
- Stop caring where she is and with whom? One affair more or less actually doesn't make a difference, right? So don't try to control what you can't control!?
- Flirting with other women (I've never done this in my marriage)?
- Even an affair or escort to heal the ONEitis and get mental peace?
- ...is this even the right direction..?
- ...or perhaps the opposite: Don't overreact. 4 months of a very improved lifestyle can't erase 12 years of AFC chumpness. Don't expect things to change overnight and just be consistent and patient..!? STFU and subtly add more Alpha elements to your life. Don't fall from one extreme to the other..?

Really, any advice is greatly appreciated!

TB24

She wants to invite another d1ck into the bedroom. A married man? One she has likely cheated with?

 

[Zontyy]

Respect is the key in relationship with any woman, if she wants to end up a used up old slut then let her. Your only hurting yourself in the long run by staying. Trust me the best sex I ever had was with someone who was completely turned on by me and wanted to be with me. Maybe you haven't even experienced that IDK.

Leave her OP and never look back and bonus points if you can get your kids in the divorce.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Respect is the key in relationship with any woman, if she wants to end up a used up old slut then let her. Your only hurting yourself in the long run by staying. Trust me the best sex I ever had was with someone who was completely turned on by me and wanted to be with me. Maybe you haven't even experienced that IDK.

Leave her OP and never look back and bonus points if you can get your kids in the divorce.

True on the sex part. As long as she thinks she needs to "slvt" it up to feel great sexually, you will NEVER get what you will get vs a woman who is ALL into you and thinks your great.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

That was in June. Although it was the worst experience of my life, I was also relieved to finally learn the truth about her secret activities and life in general. Welcome to red-pill land. More than anything, I was angry about myself for being such a chump for like 25 years.

We had several long talks in June. She doesn't regret the affair(s). She loves me (and the kids). But she has desires that simply weren't fulfilled in our marriage. She loves being with me and the kids but she has other needs as well. On the one hand, I'm totally angry about how I/we lived my/our lives. On the other hand, a whole new world kind of appeared to me with so much potential that can be tapped: If I learn and do it right, my life can improve on so many levels.

She sees that I am now at version 2.0. However, she isn't sure if this will last and what person I will be in 6 months. Also, she is not at her version 2.0 and is not sure if she even wants to be. It feels good to flirt and to be desired by other men. She's used to it and feels that at least flirting and seeking attention/validation is part of her identity She wants to be a person of her own and not (only) be defined as my wife and the mother of our kids.

We talked about several outcomes: Separating? Staying together? We are definitely more open to each other (and to ourselves) about our deepest desires. We talked about things we never admitted to each other before. We decided to stay together, learn from the past and hopefully find a way to have a happy and full life together. We, however, both don't know how things develop in the future.

In the two months since then, our relationship improved a lot. Especially our sex life. Both in terms of frequency and quality. We did things that we never did before (at least with each other). I was more Alpha, she was more slut. Feels like a new beginning. She told me that she watches porn a couple of times a week (since a long time before we met). In the past, she always denied that. We kiss, we laugh, we moan, we talk dirty during sex.

She told me that she wants to have a threesome with a (married) friend of hers. I'm not ready for this (at least not yet). But never in my wildest dreams would she have revealed such fantasies in the past. Probably she would have had an affair with him (and perhaps she has right now), but she wouldn't have told me about that fantasy. And I, too, gain confidence in doing things that I wouldn't have dared to do in the past. So, as hard as the experience of being cheated on was, our marriage and our sex life definitely improved. I'm the best version of me that I ever was and we're still together, whereas half a years ago, I was a chump and she was emotionally ready to move on (although in the end she didn't).

There are moments in which I think if I could handle a threesome, having an affair myself or even an open marriage. Would that make my life more interesting and fuller? Should I even care if she has more affairs? Would it make any difference at all? What would be more Alpha: Forbidding affairs? Or don't caring about it at all and spinning plates myself?

Although my life changed a lot during the last months, I feel that I have a long way to go until I will have inner peace (either with her in a monogamous relationship, an open one or with a different partner). Right now, it hurts to say, but if I'm honest to myself I have to admit that
... I don't trust her
... she doesn't respect me (as much as I want to)
... she thinks that I now look really good, but she's obviously not attracted to me (as much as I want it to be). I want her to either have butterflies in her stomach or wet panties when she thinks about me. Not a shopping list in her hand which says what needs to be bought from the supermarket.

Trust:
I guess, my understanding of trust is still too blue pill and I confuse trust with control or an eternal vow. Perhaps it's part of red pill world that you can not and should not trust a woman too much at all (hypergamy, AWALT,...). Just stay in shape, be Alpha and the rest will follow.

Respect/Attraction:
This comes down to being more Alpha as well. I know how badly in love she was with her ex who definitely wasn't marriage material and treated her like ****. Right now, she says that she's attracted by that married guy I mentioned above. I wouldn't say, he's more attractive than I am. But according to her 'he is so masculine'. He doesn't give a sh.t about anything. She knows that he finds her hot, but pretends that he doesn't care (or perhaps he really doesn't care at all). That's how she f..ing should feel about me, not him!

I don't think that she would like to be married to him instead. Or to her ex boyfriend. The whole attraction level would probably also be a different one if she sees them regularly change diapers or doing the laundry. Or constantly having four young kids around him. And because auf AWALT, this would not only be a problem in a relationship with her but with every other woman as well. Thus, I have to f..ing take my SMV to another level, kill my ONEitis, take her off that pedestral and become f..ing Alpha myself.

I don't know where we will be in a year from now. But either with her or without her, I have to make the transition from Nice Guy to Alpha. So, I'm thankful that you read this long story from beginning to end and would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. Many of you will probably suggest to just give up on her, but I will not do this until I'm sure to have become the best (and most Alpha) version of me that I can. Thus, first Alpha. Then, evaluate the effect. Not the other way round. It's an uphill battle, but I am a warrior and I'm ready to enter this fight.

So, practical advice that can be applied in a LTR/marriage with kids are very much appreciated!
- Reducing the chores and being more selfish!?
- Being more absent? Work longer hours?
- Don't compliment her anymore? (She totally craves for attention and validation)
- Stop caring where she is and with whom? One affair more or less actually doesn't make a difference, right? So don't try to control what you can't control!?
- Flirting with other women (I've never done this in my marriage)?
- Even an affair or escort to heal the ONEitis and get mental peace?
- ...is this even the right direction..?
- ...or perhaps the opposite: Don't overreact. 4 months of a very improved lifestyle can't erase 12 years of AFC chumpness. Don't expect things to change overnight and just be consistent and patient..!? STFU and subtly add more Alpha elements to your life. Don't fall from one extreme to the other..?

Really, any advice is greatly appreciated!

TB24

You do know a woman whos3 all in with you can watch you change diapers and do the laundry and still want to bang your brains out.

 

[Suave88]

That was in June. Although it was the worst experience of my life, I was also relieved to finally learn the truth about her secret activities and life in general. Welcome to red-pill land. More than anything, I was angry about myself for being such a chump for like 25 years.

We had several long talks in June. She doesn't regret the affair(s). She loves me (and the kids). But she has desires that simply weren't fulfilled in our marriage. She loves being with me and the kids but she has other needs as well. On the one hand, I'm totally angry about how I/we lived my/our lives. On the other hand, a whole new world kind of appeared to me with so much potential that can be tapped: If I learn and do it right, my life can improve on so many levels.

She sees that I am now at version 2.0. However, she isn't sure if this will last and what person I will be in 6 months. Also, she is not at her version 2.0 and is not sure if she even wants to be. It feels good to flirt and to be desired by other men. She's used to it and feels that at least flirting and seeking attention/validation is part of her identity She wants to be a person of her own and not (only) be defined as my wife and the mother of our kids.

We talked about several outcomes: Separating? Staying together? We are definitely more open to each other (and to ourselves) about our deepest desires. We talked about things we never admitted to each other before. We decided to stay together, learn from the past and hopefully find a way to have a happy and full life together. We, however, both don't know how things develop in the future.

In the two months since then, our relationship improved a lot. Especially our sex life. Both in terms of frequency and quality. We did things that we never did before (at least with each other). I was more Alpha, she was more slut. Feels like a new beginning. She told me that she watches porn a couple of times a week (since a long time before we met). In the past, she always denied that. We kiss, we laugh, we moan, we talk dirty during sex.

She told me that she wants to have a threesome with a (married) friend of hers. I'm not ready for this (at least not yet). But never in my wildest dreams would she have revealed such fantasies in the past. Probably she would have had an affair with him (and perhaps she has right now), but she wouldn't have told me about that fantasy. And I, too, gain confidence in doing things that I wouldn't have dared to do in the past. So, as hard as the experience of being cheated on was, our marriage and our sex life definitely improved. I'm the best version of me that I ever was and we're still together, whereas half a years ago, I was a chump and she was emotionally ready to move on (although in the end she didn't).

There are moments in which I think if I could handle a threesome, having an affair myself or even an open marriage. Would that make my life more interesting and fuller? Should I even care if she has more affairs? Would it make any difference at all? What would be more Alpha: Forbidding affairs? Or don't caring about it at all and spinning plates myself?

Although my life changed a lot during the last months, I feel that I have a long way to go until I will have inner peace (either with her in a monogamous relationship, an open one or with a different partner). Right now, it hurts to say, but if I'm honest to myself I have to admit that
... I don't trust her
... she doesn't respect me (as much as I want to)
... she thinks that I now look really good, but she's obviously not attracted to me (as much as I want it to be). I want her to either have butterflies in her stomach or wet panties when she thinks about me. Not a shopping list in her hand which says what needs to be bought from the supermarket.

Trust:
I guess, my understanding of trust is still too blue pill and I confuse trust with control or an eternal vow. Perhaps it's part of red pill world that you can not and should not trust a woman too much at all (hypergamy, AWALT,...). Just stay in shape, be Alpha and the rest will follow.

Respect/Attraction:
This comes down to being more Alpha as well. I know how badly in love she was with her ex who definitely wasn't marriage material and treated her like ****. Right now, she says that she's attracted by that married guy I mentioned above. I wouldn't say, he's more attractive than I am. But according to her 'he is so masculine'. He doesn't give a sh.t about anything. She knows that he finds her hot, but pretends that he doesn't care (or perhaps he really doesn't care at all). That's how she f..ing should feel about me, not him!

I don't think that she would like to be married to him instead. Or to her ex boyfriend. The whole attraction level would probably also be a different one if she sees them regularly change diapers or doing the laundry. Or constantly having four young kids around him. And because auf AWALT, this would not only be a problem in a relationship with her but with every other woman as well. Thus, I have to f..ing take my SMV to another level, kill my ONEitis, take her off that pedestral and become f..ing Alpha myself.

I don't know where we will be in a year from now. But either with her or without her, I have to make the transition from Nice Guy to Alpha. So, I'm thankful that you read this long story from beginning to end and would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. Many of you will probably suggest to just give up on her, but I will not do this until I'm sure to have become the best (and most Alpha) version of me that I can. Thus, first Alpha. Then, evaluate the effect. Not the other way round. It's an uphill battle, but I am a warrior and I'm ready to enter this fight.

So, practical advice that can be applied in a LTR/marriage with kids are very much appreciated!
- Reducing the chores and being more selfish!?
- Being more absent? Work longer hours?
- Don't compliment her anymore? (She totally craves for attention and validation)
- Stop caring where she is and with whom? One affair more or less actually doesn't make a difference, right? So don't try to control what you can't control!?
- Flirting with other women (I've never done this in my marriage)?
- Even an affair or escort to heal the ONEitis and get mental peace?
- ...is this even the right direction..?
- ...or perhaps the opposite: Don't overreact. 4 months of a very improved lifestyle can't erase 12 years of AFC chumpness. Don't expect things to change overnight and just be consistent and patient..!? STFU and subtly add more Alpha elements to your life. Don't fall from one extreme to the other..?

Really, any advice is greatly appreciated!

TB24

What is your DOB and her DOB? Don't lie.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

What is your DOB and her DOB? Don't lie.

He said a 12 yr age gap. Him the older. We know how that goes doen in the USA.

 

[Suave88]

He said a 12 yr age gap. Him the older. We know how that goes doen in the USA.

So he is 42 now and born in 1978 and she is 12 years younger born in 1990 or 1991?

 

[TB24]

I appreciate your advice. I knew that separating would be more or less the first reaction to my post. And I understand that this is the natural response. Leaving her would be a strong Alpha move. You all are obviously way more Alpha than I am right now. And you don't have to care about the lives of 4 little children that would have to live with the consequences that their father was a chump and her mother was cheating. I feel the responsibility to get my sh.t together and make the best moves I can to turn around this ship. And as I said: We're far from being where I want us to be, but there clearly is an upward dynamic. Ironically, our days (and nights) are far more intense than they have been for years. I want to see how far I can take this. If it doesn't work out, then separation of course has to be an option.

But to perform such a strong Alpha move, I first have to become Alpha. A separation may be the exclamation mark at the end of a transition to Alpha, not the beginning. And for becoming Alpha, I need your help. Not giant steps, but actionable everyday routines. To be honest, I can't really blame her for not respecting me after being so whiny, needy and lazy throughout the years. But this is not how I want to end this.

I know, this is an uphill battle.

 

[Suave88]

I appreciate your advice. I knew that separating would be more or less the first reaction to my post. And I understand that this is the natural response. Leaving her would be a strong Alpha move. You all are obviously way more Alpha than I am right now. And you don't have to care about the lives of 4 little children that would have to live with the consequences that their father was a chump and her mother was cheating. I feel the responsibility to get my sh.t together and make the best moves I can to turn around this ship. And as I said: We're far from being where I want us to be, but there clearly is an upward dynamic. Ironically, our days (and nights) are far more intense than they have been for years. I want to see how far I can take this. If it doesn't work out, then separation of course has to be an option.

But to perform such a strong Alpha move, I first have to become Alpha. A separation may be the exclamation mark at the end of a transition to Alpha, not the beginning. And for becoming Alpha, I need your help. Not giant steps, but actionable everyday routines. To be honest, I can't really blame her for not respecting me after being so whiny, needy and lazy throughout the years. But this is not how I want to end this.

I know, this is an uphill battle.

If you dipart her you become an alpha. However, you can become an alpha too if you cheat on her. I don't recommend letting her go physically unless you have some for yourself. She has already let you go a long time ago.

 

[Zontyy]

I appreciate your advice. I knew that separating would be more or less the first reaction to my post. And I understand that this is the natural response. Leaving her would be a strong Alpha move. You all are obviously way more Alpha than I am right now. And you don't have to care about the lives of 4 little children that would have to live with the consequences that their father was a chump and her mother was cheating. I feel the responsibility to get my sh.t together and make the best moves I can to turn around this ship. And as I said: We're far from being where I want us to be, but there clearly is an upward dynamic. Ironically, our days (and nights) are far more intense than they have been for years. I want to see how far I can take this. If it doesn't work out, then separation of course has to be an option.

But to perform such a strong Alpha move, I first have to become Alpha. A separation may be the exclamation mark at the end of a transition to Alpha, not the beginning. And for becoming Alpha, I need your help. Not giant steps, but actionable everyday routines. To be honest, I can't really blame her for not respecting me after being so whiny, needy and lazy throughout the years. But this is not how I want to end this.

I know, this is an uphill battle.

Just think of like this, children see relationship dynamics in the household. They pick up on more then they let on and will in the future mimic sometimes what they see. If you have sons they will probably be submissive in relationships and get walked all over in them. If you have daughters they may never end up respecting men and turning into a slvt like your wife.

There doesn't have to be a transition period. If you won't leave her at least control yourself. Manage your own money if she wants any let her work for it. Go on dates and fvck other women. When she asks why just be blunt, you want to act like a slvt I'm going to treat you like one. Look at ways to protect your money in case of divorce. Treat her like she should be treated she will either fall in line or actually leave you in the end you get what you need.

You will leave a strong positive image to your kids whichever way it swings.

 

[xplt]

No trust, disrespect, lack of attraction towards you...

She cheated.

I wouldn‘t want to raise my kids in such a relationship. Finding a woman for a healthy relationship will be better for you and your kids, too.

 

[Toddz]

While she worked as a stripper for some time.

Gentlemen, don't marry strippers.

Family life is not fixing whatever damage is there and was only a matter of time before it surfaced. OP you must of known the risks going into this and I imagine not at all shocked by any of this.

 

[Mbuckets82]

Respect. That’s it. Get a separation agreement with a schedule for the kids, and how the finances will be divided. Either walk out the door or kick her out. It’s over. You’re trying to live a fantasy.

you’ll never trust her again or what she says. She respected you so much that she had an affair and still tried to lie about it.

She’s your past. Your kids will be better for it when they’re older.

 

[Suave88]

Gentlemen, don't marry strippers.

Family life is not fixing whatever damage is there and only a matter of time before it surfaces. OP you must of known the risks going into this and I imagine not at all shocked by any of this.

I don't recommend him to take the red pill now. He is 42. Where the fvxk he meets a new puzz? Think for a moment. I don't know his resources. Chances are if he does take it, he may end up alone for a while. I believe he needs to lie and cheat... If he finds some1 else then, move on and forget about this wife of yours, but remember there is no perfection.