Depression rang my doorbell again

[Blacksheep]

It seems it's just like a matter of time, so depression come at my door again and then hit harder again. I can't choose as harder as I try, it just come and I have to handle that one more time.

I had a dream: "I was living the collapse of the World and economy. All the presidents had fallen and got crazy... People were dying. I called my ex girlfriend and a friend of her got the phone and told she had died, just took some pills and died. Then I started to cry and wanted to die too, cause I couldn't handle that."

I started missing her some days ago. I still have feelings for her, and sometimes I question myself that my fears might have fcked everything. Or it might be only guilt or some stupid feeling.

All this madness that has happened in my family over the years seems to have led to internal dissociation.

It is as if I do not know what is truth or lie. Lately there have been so many truths that have hit my face that I got lost in it. People I believed wanted my good, in the end they didn't. I don't know if I can even trust myself.

I should hate my dad for the things he did for years, but I just can't do it. My therapist says that even the good times as a child were because at that time he didn't have to worry about me, as I was easily shaped and manipulated and didn't became a threat to that. Things got bad when I started saying no. And damn, it's like being emotionally crushed and then being thrown away like trash.

And these relationships that went wrong, the pains that I may have caused someone ... it seems that everything is somehow due to these things that I carry from the past and that I experienced.

I fight hard in order to resolve these things and become better. But the harder I fight, the stronger the current pulls me into the abyss.

These wounds have been taking my strength away. I wish I could rest and have a little peace of it all.

 

[AttackFormation]

These wounds have been taking my strength away. I wish I could rest and have a little peace of it all.

The easiest way to do this is to practice being grateful.

Every day, you can be thankful for:

- Not being crippled
- Not being too ugly
- Not being sickly
- Not being starving
- Not being homeless
- Not having suffered even worse abuse
- Not living in war
- Living with clean running water, clean air and healthy food
- Having an education, or the ability to educate yourself

This will not solve depression, and isn't meant to be able to. But combine this with acceptance and it will be like a platform for you to reassess your life and gain a stronger perspective on it, hopefully allowing you to see clearly and walk your path.

 

[Blacksheep]

The easiest way to do this is to practice being grateful.

Every day, you can be thankful for:

- Not being crippled
- Not being too ugly
- Not being sickly
- Not being starving
- Not being homeless
- Not having suffered even worse abuse
- Not living in war
- Living with clean running water, clean air and healthy food
- Having an education, or the ability to educate yourself

This will not solve depression, and isn't meant to be able to. But combine this with acceptance and it will be like a platform for you to reassess your life and gain a stronger perspective on it, hopefully allowing you to see clearly and walk your path.

Thanks man! This is really helpful and I have to put this habit into my routine.

Being thankful can help to minimize this negative state I came some times.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Grab a container of water and start walking outside. Don't come back until its getting dark. I promise you'll feel different. Maybe not better but different and 'different' will give you relief.
You'll know what I mean by the 2 hour time of walking.

 

[Stoic]

Had depression myself off and on. But I know how to treat and minimize it myself now. I can make the episodes a lot shorter now through self treatment:

1. Ridiculous amount of exercise
2. A lot of time in the sun
3. Force myself to be around friends
4. Eat really cleanly.
5. Very little caffeine
6. Engaging activity and hobbies
7. Take Fish oil. Multiple studies concluding this is beneficial to reducing depression

May want to read a book called The Depression Cure..

 

[Machine10033]

Have you ever had your hormones checked ? I would go into funks, had horrible anxiety for years. I was working out a ton during this time and it seemed like I was spinning my wheels. I got a full hormone panel done last May... I had super low free testosterone. Started trt and in a year my entire personality and body has changed. I still get down but it’s very fleeting and the majority of the time I’m now excited for life! I also have not suffered a single panic attack since starting. It’s worth looking into .

 

[Blacksheep]

Grab a container of water and start walking outside. Don't come back until its getting dark. I promise you'll feel different. Maybe not better but different and 'different' will give you relief.
You'll know what I mean by the 2 hour time of walking.

Thanks man! Gonna try that!

Yesterday I wasn't feeling so good, so I took the day off and rest a bit. But walking even if not on a depressive crisis is a pretty good thing to do for mind and body. I love do some walks in nature to think about stuffs.

Sometimes idk what happens that come this really crazy bad moment, idk if I forget to take my bupropion pill on someday during this week... or if it was just a bad day (probably).

 

[Blacksheep]

Have you ever had your hormones checked ? I would go into funks, had horrible anxiety for years. I was working out a ton during this time and it seemed like I was spinning my wheels. I got a full hormone panel done last May... I had super low free testosterone. Started trt and in a year my entire personality and body has changed. I still get down but it’s very fleeting and the majority of the time I’m now excited for life! I also have not suffered a single panic attack since starting. It’s worth looking into .

Yep, checked that on january I guess and took a testo shot. It's amazing... I was feeling like the best guy in the world. But after 3 weeks I started to feel kinda bad or sad.

Maybe I should continue, but for now... I cant spend my saved money as I left my dad's company job and I'm living all by myself. When I find a job and start making some money I will check that again.

One thing that also helps is doing exercises and controlling alcohol and sleeping. I can feel a similar effect like the testo shot.

Thanks for your reply!

 

[Blacksheep]

Had depression myself off and on. But I know how to treat and minimize it myself now. I can make the episodes a lot shorter now through self treatment:

1. Ridiculous amount of exercise
2. A lot of time in the sun
3. Force myself to be around friends
4. Eat really cleanly.
5. Very little caffeine
6. Engaging activity and hobbies
7. Take Fish oil. Multiple studies concluding this is beneficial to reducing depression

May want to read a book called The Depression Cure..

That's really true man!

I can agree with all of those as I observed this in myself too. Sun + exercise is like a heaven for feeling good. As I moved out from my old house and living on an apartment I have to find a way to get some sun in here. I can't just go outside without a shirt and sit there haha... but I found some spots in my windows where I can catch a bit of it!

Caffeine in some ways I like but in some others I feel it's not that good... sometimes I think I can't think clearly when I took a coffee, but sometimes it gaves me a boost. Maybe the dosage like you said.

About food one interesting thing I found is that eating rice and beans actually started to helpe me lose weight. I was eating mainly meat, cheese and some vegetables. Idk how, but this combination is being pretty good. Also I eat some meat and vegetables. Basically eating real foods is always good.

When I drink alcohol I tend to be more depressive too in the next day. So I'm taking a huge care about that, since it's a nonstop rollercoaster.

Gonna take a look at that Fish Oil. I'm using coconut oil for some time that also have some benefits for depression. Gonna try that fish oil too.

Thanks for your reply! That was very usefull tips to keep in mind! =)

 

[Blacksheep]

You need to be around people that care about you in some way. That's the best cure.

Depression is sickness of the mind that affects intelligent persons that understand their limits and which think too much about the past in terms of "green pastures of what-could-be" vs "grim present of reality" which is a huge, destructive lie. It's just the one of many possible outcomes that is romanticized by us.

In fact even our mistakes can lead to positive outcome at distant future - if you are ready to fail or you fail a lot, you gain much more experience than person that wins all the time (often that person is using others resources or simply have more comfortable life due to independent factors). Eventually you succeed.

The fact is that even pain is a part of life and we should be grateful for it. It leads us above mediocrity.

Notice how motivated you are when you fight off the bad mood. I strongly believe that depression is connected with creativity as well.

It's also an indicator that you need your total opposite in life - you need a positive, nice woman that does not bit.ch too much about things and accepts who you are - its also counterintuitive as you feel strong desire to find such a person yet you should rather allow such a person to come to you (it happens, there are women around that want to take care of you as they intuitively feel that sometimes everything around you feels like a vast cold emptiness).

Remember that depression evolves in static, lonely and inactive surrounding that you may love but it can make you sick.

Just said everything man! I agree 100%.

I'm working on those things and it's being quite good.

My dad still try to affect me. Like now, they forced my mom to call my therapist to ask what is my diagnosis.

My therapist said that it might be a desperate way to try to find something to defame me to others, or even try to legally do something. Like, accuse me from a mental disease and try to control me.

It's crazy, but I'm calm with all that and doing my best. My mother is not talking to my dad anymore, some people are realizing all those stupid behaviors he did and he might be desperate with that.

I don't desire anything bad to him, I just want this attacks stop. His goal seems to be defeat me and put me on a low level, so he can feel superior and better than me. I can only feel sorry for him now.

 

[Blacksheep]

If its like that, its a narcisstic and controlling behaviour of your father - you are a grown up person - I am not saying that you should forgive everyone that will cross your path but in order to be fully mature you need to forgive any tresspasses your father has done to you.

It will release you from his influence over you (if still any) alas some persons become addicted to attention of a narcisst or even become one later in life - it should be evaded at all cost/its tremendous obstacle. Feel free to tell him you love him anyway and make peace with him - even if he doesn't deserve it or want it - it will lead you to independence and freedom.

Yep, I read a ton of books plus years of therapy to understand. And in my family, my sister become the golden child and I'm his scape goat where he deposits all his frustrations over.

Sometimes his acts seem perverse, but sometimes it seems that he have a big rage or frustration in life inside him. I just realized that I must be away of that to cure myself.

Sometimes it's a huge pain, because I can't trust on them and I feel alone. But I feel happy to be the one to have courage to say no to all this and to took action and move out of one of his house and left my job on his company.

He is saying that I'm borderline because I act compulsively. But I know that is only one of his defamation campaign.

He say to everyone that I got crazy, that I lost my mind... But I know who did it. He never thought I would be able to leave. And this is making him crazy.

But, I was dying living that way... I left to save me and to rebuild my life.

 

[Scars]

You might just have a chemical imbalance bro.. I take Lexapro for anxiety and depression, ain't no shame in it.

 

[stovepipe]

In most cases the pain, behaviors and vulnerabilities we have stem from our childhood. The things we learn & experience from ages 4-8 are the things we carry on our backs for the rest of our lives. Having studied a little psychology over the years that is one of the most important factors in ones future. Also one the reasons why the world is the way it currently is. We're living in the single mom era that ends up causing this huge rise in beta males. It's a direct result of no father figure. In your case it seems like your dad played a big role.

If you sit back and pick apart your childhood to see what all happened. It will help you tremendously in understanding why you feel the way you do, why you might have dated toxic women, the way you treat yourself & others. Trust me, my father was no different. I used to hate him so much. Up until a few years ago I finally reached a point in my life where I found this kind of inner peace that I never experienced before. Which then woke me up to realize how toxic hate is. It's such an evil emotion that can lead one into darkness. I found that inner peace by falling into the depths of hell, fighting off demon after demon, then clawing my way out of the pit of hell.

I truly believe the ones who suffer the most, must go through massive amounts of trauma or one huge traumatic event like a toxic relationship or the loss of a loved one in order to get the prize at the end which is inner peace. Some people unfortunately lose the battle trying to fight off their demons. It either makes you or breaks you.

I've excepted my past as we cannot change it. My father is old, I've been spending a lot time with him lately. I've mentioned some things he did to me as a child and how it effected my life. He didn't care, he didn't apologize or even seem to have any concern. While it hurts to the core, I've excepted him for who is and realized nothing I say or do will change that. You know what? My father is miserable. It's like karma got to him but it hurts me to see him in such pain.

A lot of times we fail to look at how blessed we are. We tend to count our problems, not our blessings, when it should be the other way around. You have all your fingers, toes, eyes, legs, food, shelter, money, car, ect. We have more than so many. At the end of the day, that is truly what counts. Is it easy not to think about our past trauma's? Of course not, but when one finds true peace in life, he finds one of the secrets to a healthier, happier life.

 

[Blacksheep]

You might just have a chemical imbalance bro.. I take Lexapro for anxiety and depression, ain't no shame in it.

I'm on bupropion, it helped a lot... but I can see it only as a tool to better understand those feelings. It is helping a lot, and each day doing therapy added to this medication, I can see that things are getting better.

 

[Blacksheep]

In most cases the pain, behaviors and vulnerabilities we have stem from our childhood. The things we learn & experience from ages 4-8 are the things we carry on our backs for the rest of our lives. Having studied a little psychology over the years that is one of the most important factors in ones future. Also one the reasons why the world is the way it currently is. We're living in the single mom era that ends up causing this huge rise in beta males. It's a direct result of no father figure. In your case it seems like your dad played a big role.

If you sit back and pick apart your childhood to see what all happened. It will help you tremendously in understanding why you feel the way you do, why you might have dated toxic women, the way you treat yourself & others. Trust me, my father was no different. I used to hate him so much. Up until a few years ago I finally reached a point in my life where I found this kind of inner peace that I never experienced before. Which then woke me up to realize how toxic hate is. It's such an evil emotion that can lead one into darkness. I found that inner peace by falling into the depths of hell, fighting off demon after demon, then clawing my way out of the pit of hell.

I truly believe the ones who suffer the most, must go through massive amounts of trauma or one huge traumatic event like a toxic relationship or the loss of a loved one in order to get the prize at the end which is inner peace. Some people unfortunately lose the battle trying to fight off their demons. It either makes you or breaks you.

I've excepted my past as we cannot change it. My father is old, I've been spending a lot time with him lately. I've mentioned some things he did to me as a child and how it effected my life. He didn't care, he didn't apologize or even seem to have any concern. While it hurts to the core, I've excepted him for who is and realized nothing I say or do will change that. You know what? My father is miserable. It's like karma got to him but it hurts me to see him in such pain.

A lot of times we fail to look at how blessed we are. We tend to count our problems, not our blessings, when it should be the other way around. You have all your fingers, toes, eyes, legs, food, shelter, money, car, ect. We have more than so many. At the end of the day, that is truly what counts. Is it easy not to think about our past trauma's? Of course not, but when one finds true peace in life, he finds one of the secrets to a healthier, happier life.

Thats true man!

Most of my traumas and issues I'm dealing on therapy was during that age... And understanding that is very important to cure ourselves.

I'm starting to understand those things about hate emotions. That's really strong and it's not good to cultivate such a thing. It only destroys us inside.

I was feeling that for my father too, when all the mess got to the limit. Now I can think clearly and I'm not feeling that way anymore.

Idk if I can have a good relationship with him in that moment, or even in the future. But this negative feeling is wenting away, and it's curing me.