Ex Girlfriend - Stopping me from being at the birth

[Baibars]

Impregnating a woman who hasn't already demonstrated her devotion to you, but expecting your child will bind her to you, will only lead to disappointment, and many years of frustration. I'm inclined to agree with you, that it's better to never know the child, at all, than to be an impotent, emasculated, manipulated, pathetic, female-dominated role model for the kid.

OP, you can't save the kid from her mother, by being your baby-momma's puppet, and unless you're going to take the kid from her, and be a single father, both your life and your daughter's will be worse, by your hanging around the fringes of her life, begging for scraps of her time and attention.

You have 3 options:
1) Be THE man, and have your ex fall in line.
2) Take your kid from her mother.
3) Move on. Get on with your life. And, don't make any more babies with women who haven't submitted themselves to you completely; that includes marriage...unless you just want to spend the next 20-something years being a weekend dad, and writing monthly checks to women you aren't fuucking....women you've grown to hate.

Since, obviously, you were intending to raise this child together, under the same roof (as you should), you might want to take another swing at it. Women can get abnormally crazy (even for them) when they're pregnant; so, it isn't impossible that her current feelings are hormonally charged. You might want to sit her down, before the birth, and tell her that if she wants you out of her life, it's all or nothing, and that you'll walk away, if she doesn't want you in their lives, but that you're not sticking around just to pay the bills, or to wash diapers and babysit, while she's out trying to make your daughter a little brother. In or out... all the way in, or all the way out. And tell her you want it in writing (get a lawyer to draw something up)..... and then don't make any more bastards.

Why is it better to never know the child? Even a woman who previously demonstrated devotion can change at any time. Of course it's better to raise the child in a stable family but he can still be a good father and role model.
And many women know that the father doesn't want to seperate from her and the kid. As soon as the kid is born, it's way harder for him to walk away. That's why there are so many emasculated fathers at home and sometimes more masculine fathers who are single.
It's his choice if he lets himself emasculated by this woman or just tries his best ( without licking her ass ) to agree on times with her how many times he can see his child.
If the baby momma causes problems, he still has his rights ( if he really is the father and with lawyer support ).
He shouldn't ever think about this woman trying to make a brother for his kid. That's weak.
Just spend the time with your kid as much as you want or can and fck what she's doing.
If you think that way, you're always in the weaker position. Especially at this age and time you cant control these crazy women. They have no principles and society encourages their poor choices.

A father has responsibilities towards his kid doesn't matter if kid's mom is a *****. If you just do your part, the kids wont have a reason to blame you and if they do, you have inner peace because you did your best.

 

[MT93]

Why is it better to never know the child? Even a woman who previously demonstrated devotion can change at any time. Of course it's better to raise the child in a stable family but he can still be a good father and role model.
And many women know that the father doesn't want to seperate from her and the kid. As soon as the kid is born, it's way harder for him to walk away. That's why there are so many emasculated fathers at home and sometimes more masculine fathers who are single.
It's his choice if he lets himself emasculated by this woman or just tries his best ( without licking her ass ) to agree on times with her how many times he can see his child.
If the baby momma causes problems, he still has his rights ( if he really is the father and with lawyer support ).
He shouldn't ever think about this woman trying to make a brother for his kid. That's weak.
Just spend the time with your kid as much as you want or can and fck what she's doing.
If you think that way, you're always in the weaker position. Especially at this age and time you cant control these crazy women. They have no principles and society encourages their poor choices.

A father has responsibilities towards his kid doesn't matter if kid's mom is a *****. If you just do your part, the kids wont have a reason to blame you and if they do, you have inner peace because you did your best.

exactly I’m going with that thought process right now - I’m going to give it my best shot and show that I want to be there for my child

If she refuses it - then we will have to face that fact when the child grows up

 

[Baibars]

We're not talking about a divorce. We're talking about a chick he isn't married to, who (right now) is attempting to completely shut him out of the unborn kid's life.

Personally, if he can swing it, if it's his kid, and he can't reconcile with the mother, I'd advocate he take the kid, and raise her on his own; since he's probably not gonna do that, he can bicker with her about how she's raising his kid, while he begs and bargains for access to and influence over his kid, both of which the mother will want to limit, while she poisons his daughter's mind against her father.

Eventually, she'll marry some poor sap, who she'll want her daughter to call, "Daddy." Face it, if he could prevent any of this, he wouldn't be in this situation. If he can't get them under his own roof, he's reduced to a beggar.

There's no such thing as a "good father," whose kids live in another man's house, calling another man, "Daddy." You're talking pure fantasy.

She can't shut him of out of his kids live. That's against the law. Of course it would be better if he raises the kid but majority of women won't accept that.
He shouldn't beg, discuss with her all day long, kiss her ass or any of this bs. She can limit as much as she is allowed to by law.
My mother poisoned me against my father even though we lived all together under the same roof.

She can marry the beta cuck and they can do whatever they want. You're telling me she will do this and that so just give your kid up.
You can't prevent anything in the west nowadays. She can do whatever she wants and you have to accept that. You can do whatever you're able to do, that's it.
You have to accept that and play the game as good as you can in your advantage. Or you can run away.

A good father isn't determined by his baby momma or his kid. A man should have his own prinicples and act accordingly. If he does what a good father should do in his opinion, then he is a good father.
He could be the best father in the world and his daughter could end up as a porn star.
If he always was there for his kid, he is a good father. Doesn't matter what she or her mom would tell you because a man should have an opinion on what's wrong or right.
And he must pay child support anyways. So why not spend time with your kid.

 

[Billtx49]

Personally, if he can swing it, if it's his kid, and he can't reconcile with the mother, I'd advocate he take the kid, and raise her on his own

while he begs and bargains for access to and influence over his kid, both of which the mother will want to limit

About All courts will give custody to the mother unless she can be proven to be unfit in that court…

If he pays child support, he Will have court mandated access to the child on a set schedule or timeframe…

Under rule of law both father and mother are usually governed by a court if it goes there for child support or visitation privileges …

 

[MT93]

Again probably going to get flamed

I sent some flowers and a letter today to try and outline that I want to be there for her and we can work at not only what has happened but the upbringing of our child

I’ve heard nothing.

That’s even if she has received the flowers or letter at all, her parents have been known to take her mail - I always remember her saying.

Other than physically going to the house I have no other idea what to do.

She did say the last time we spoke “that she will call me when she is ready”

Feel like a sitting duck really

 

[Baibars]

I didn't tell him to "just give up." I told him to get his woman back, and raise his kid under his own roof, or to take the kid from her, and raise his daughter by himself, or(failing all else) to give her an ultimatum, that of she wants another man, she has to legally release him from all responsibility for the child. I'm sorry, but if you can't get the mother of your child to live under your own roof, she probably isn't going to listen to him about anything else; so, he might as well leverage the fact that she wants to go daddy shopping, to let him off the hook. You do realize that single motherhood is a train wreck, and that every-other-weekend fatherhood doesn't alter the fact that the kid is being raised by a single mother. Single motherhood doesn't mean the kid doesn't know who its daddy is, or doesn't know its father; it means the kid doesn't live with its father. Being an impotent amputated father doesn't alter the status or negative impact of single motherhood. It just gives him a cheap seat from which to watch the train wreck.

Even if he get's this woman back, there is no guarantee that she will stay.
Even if you have the best frame and your **** together there is no guarantee she will stay. Women need a society that tells them that being a good mother means staying with the father and so on. If society tells them: '' Go Girl, it's your life! '' she will most likely do that and not what you're saying.
Why do you think our ancestors made laws to keep such things under control? Because there is no other way.

We have no guarantee nowadays. He can talk with her but based on how she is speaking with him i don't think that words can fix that.
Single motherhood is a train wreck and society tolerates and even encourages single moms. That's the fcked up situation we're in. But in my opinion and based on my priniciples, you just do what you as a father should do and that's it. You control what you can and don't obsess over the things you can't control.

 

[Billtx49]

Seems like everyone in this thread is resigned to the delusion of being a "good" weekend father. That's kind of like being an emperor in exile. It's an impotent honorary title, purchased with a monthly check, as worthless as a Burger King paper crown.

Please expand on your real life court mandated child support or visitation experiences or how to avoid that issue completely, maybe the rest of us are missing some of the finer points of law here…

 

[xplt]

I can't relate to a situation like that, but I'm believing you have a hard time and this situation stings like hell.

However...

She did say the last time we spoke “that she will call me when she is ready”

You should accept that. Flowers and letters are going to make things much worse.

Feel like a sitting duck really

And it won't stop when you send Flowers and letters. You will feel even more like the sitting duck if you send **** and wait for responses.

You have to accept, that she doesn't want to speak right now. Wait for her till she's ready.

 

[Baibars]

There are zero guarantees of anything in life. Why do you need legal guarantees? Are you guaranteed the job you want, the promotion you want, the raise you want? No? Yet, you still pay your bills, and are probably able to live where you want, and hold a good job. Were you guaranteed acceptance into the college of your choice? Do you only plan your life according to what you're guaranteed? I'm guessing not. So, why is your family any different? Yes, they're all autonomous people, but even as a man, a husband, a father... you're greatest power isn't the law (although legal support would be great); it's your power of persuasion! That's your super power, not the courts.

We need guarantees in family law in order to have a stable society. You know the consequences of being a child of a fatherless household. We need order in this area and this must be enforced through law. If you give women all the power about the stability of our society, you get what we have today.
You can't compare this area to everything else. Of course we don't need guarantees for everything.

It's great if he can persuade her but i doubt that it will work at this point and ultimatums only show that he's powerless. He can persuade her by his actions and maybe she will return to her sense but he shouldn't be dependent on the outcome of that. Whatever happens in the end it's his child ( probably ) and he should do his part as much as he can.
As i said i have principles and i don't throw my values away just because some unresponsible single mom does whatever she wants. If i'm not able to provide my kid all the things i wish i could, i provide him/her what i can.
That's not a good situation to be in but everyone can have a different opinion on this topic.

 

[Baibars]

Yes, the law is upside down, and so is the majority of society. What are you gonna do until it's fixed? Wait? If you believe in doing what's right, but the law is wrong, what do you do? Do you conform to the law, or live the way YOU know is right?

I guess, you'd be the boss, if the family courts would only let you? If you wait for permission to be a man, because the law has been corrupted, it will never be fixed, because it will only change when men decide to be men, again.

You can't just put a baby in the belly of some random bimbo you didn't specifically select to be the mother of your children.... because she was qualified, not just because you were too lazy to wear a condom or pullout....and then blame the courts that you can't raise your children under your own roof? Come on.

Men want live-in pusssy, just because it's convenient, not because the girl would make a good wife for you and mother of your children. Then, you don't take proper precautions, and she gets pregnant. Now, you decide to give it a shot, and it predictably doesn't work out. So, you're a weekend Daddy, paying child support, and "doing the right thing," and blaming YOUR haphazard family planning on "gynocenyrism"?

That's what i'm telling you the whole time. I AM living the way i know is right. I can still live the way i know is right as good as possible after i made a mistake! I don't have to kill myself just because i didn't know better or abandon my own blood.

I've seen almost every kind of marriage and partnership. Even if you know a woman for 10 years and decide to impregnate her on a specific time, she still can change her mind at any time.
You still believe in this illusion that if you do this or that, you can control the outcome. You can plan as much you want but your plans mean nothing in our age.
I come from an extremely religious conservative environment and even arranged marriages with virgins etc. break at some time. And these guys get those weekend dads paying child support even though they planned their whole damn lives to marry this girl. This will get only worse in the future. And what will we do then? Stop reproducing?
I don't wait for any permission but i can be a man as much as i want, if my hands are tied, i can't go further.

You're swaying off the topic here. I didn't say i can't relate to your opinion. If this is the way you would go, fine. I'm also a single father who made dumb decisions tons of young men do that everyday.
I would more likely won't be in this situation if i would have made the right choices. I feel responsible for that but i can still criticize the things going wrong in our society.

 

[MT93]

Letter will get there today - kinda feel it’s last chance saloon. As another poster said above - highly unlikely she will reply to it.

Following that i really have no clue how to proceed, I guess I will have to sit back and watch it unfold with it being completely out of my hands

I don’t know why but I have a slight inklin there could be someone else involved - that may be just my brain working overdrive but the thought isn’t great.

Mike

 

[MT93]

Had a reply this morning

Thanking me for the flowers.

She is hurting - she needs me to come to her home and demonstrate to her and her parents - how i am going to make this right and support her through the birth.

I have said i will do whatever it takes. I have a feeling I am going to have to suck it up and grit my teeth throughout this 'sit down'

I need to do this for my child and to try and make this work.

 

[xplt]

Had a reply this morning

Thanking me for the flowers.

She is hurting - she needs me to come to her home and demonstrate to her and her parents - how i am going to make this right and support her through the birth.

I have said i will do whatever it takes. I have a feeling I am going to have to suck it up and grit my teeth throughout this 'sit down'

I need to do this for my child and to try and make this work.

Glad for you this went well.

I had a conversation with the parents of my ex aswell before we separated. Everything I said was used against me, wouldn't do it again - but I was wrong with my last prediction. There are no blueprints for situations like that.

 

[Baibars]

Red pill truth right here. Pretty much sums it up. If hes not her man and leading his family then she enslaves him while moving on with her life and OP will forever be the punching bag orbiter.
Game still applies in every case like this.
The more you care the more she is going to kick you.
And she already started the kicking. I have very little respect for women like this. They parasites of society

My Ex also tries that with me. I don't try to play her games as much as possible and the last step would be taking legal action. I make her guess that i don't really care and just want to see my kids on times we agreed on.
So is your opinion same as ShePays ? That a man just should walk away in such a situation?

 

[mozarto.o]

Had a reply this morning

Thanking me for the flowers.

She is hurting - she needs me to come to her home and demonstrate to her and her parents - how i am going to make this right and support her through the birth.

I have said i will do whatever it takes. I have a feeling I am going to have to suck it up and grit my teeth throughout this 'sit down'

I need to do this for my child and to try and make this work.

That's great. It's very important you don't let it show that you believe there's someone else.

 

[Baibars]

That's great. It's very important you don't let it show that you believe there's someone else.

Why not?

 

[mozarto.o]

Why not?

What good could that possibly do? In my opinion, he has to act as if the kid were his until the tests are done.
In the end, any talk or insinuations on the matter will just make him look weak in the eyes of the parents and the girl. The test will tell and he will decide accordingly.
Also, @MT93 you guys had unprotected sex right?

 

[MT93]

I have always been concerned her parents have never really understood me.

All they see is the fabricated version of events they receive from hear say or Chinese whispers - we never really had a solid relationship due to how they have treated my partner previously - like when they kicked her out etc. I had no respect for them (obviously) so never intentionally built up a relationship with them

I feel they are having a major impact on how she is communicating with me (or not in this instance) and their promise of support both financially and emotionally is having a part to play in this.

I hope the sit down goes ok, however I'm not just going to be walked over - i will address my points and more importantly be 100% transparent and honest.

If sh1t goes south then so be it - but i want to try and make this work

 

[Baibars]

What good could that possibly do? In my opinion, he has to act as if the kid were his until the tests are done.
In the end, any talk or insinuations on the matter will just make him look weak in the eyes of the parents and the girl. The test will tell and he will decide accordingly.
Also, @MT93 you guys had unprotected sex right?

Yes, for now. But he shouldn't accept her and tolerate her past/current slips only for the sake of the child.

 

[Baibars]

You keep ignoring that that is the last of three options I list. Besides which, there's a big difference between what I recommended, and "just walking away"; the difference is as plain as the difference between a clean break up and ghosting. I recommended that 1) if he isn't able to reconcile, 2) and isn't able to get sole/primary custody of his kid, 3) that he give his ex a choice to either recognize his full authority as the father of his kid, or to legally release him from having to watch from the sidelines, as she destroys his child, by raising her as an unwed mother.

I, also, recommended that he speak directly with her parents, particularly her father(no father respects any young man who wants his daughter, but can't be bothered to impress her father).

And i say the first two options won't change anything in the most cases and even if you live with her under one roof, she could lose respect at any time. Getting full custody is extremely rare.
She could cheat ( maybe she did that already ) and you can't accept things you wouldn't accept under normal circumstances just because there is a child involved.
If you do, you get her cuck and spend the rest of your live as an emasculated mangina.
You can still spend time with your kid, focus on yourself and build a good life for you and your kid. It's not the end of the world. You're just scaring him.