Marriage and being faithful...

[Georgepithyou]

why would cheating make one feel guilty?

My two cents:
30+ years of one woman is simply unnatural. It is Western society that has this all wrong. Variety is both healthy and necessary for a man. The only choice to throw around here is should or should you not disclose possibility of having Extramarital physical rendezvous to your wife.

should you go down the path of “cheating,” make sure it is physical only (no emotional connection) and no traceable elements are involved (cash during courting, burner phone, etc). Should you not go down the path, continue to enjoy your boring Unnatural existence with the same one woman.

How is it unnatural? Many animals in nature like emporer penguins mate with one partner for life.

We are not a bunch of Chimpanzees, have some self respect and dignity. If you want to date other women then don't marry.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

How is it unnatural? Many animals in nature like emporer penguins mate with one partner for life.

We are not a bunch of Chimpanzees, have some self respect and dignity. If you want to date other women then don't marry.

It’s really just when society is hypersexualized do we need more than one partner. And currently, western society *is* hypersexualized. If it weren’t, and we shifted back to collectivism (instead of individualism), then you could stay with one partner for 100 years and be fine lol

 

[scarface701]

why would cheating make one feel guilty?

My two cents:
30+ years of one woman is simply unnatural. It is Western society that has this all wrong. Variety is both healthy and necessary for a man. The only choice to throw around here is should or should you not disclose possibility of having Extramarital physical rendezvous to your wife.

should you go down the path of “cheating,” make sure it is physical only (no emotional connection) and no traceable elements are involved (cash during courting, burner phone, etc). Should you not go down the path, continue to enjoy your boring Unnatural existence with the same one woman.

I’m not sure I would feel right about cheating While I’m living under the same roof... but if I should choose to.....how does a married man go about picking up women...?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

It’s really just when society is hypersexualized do we need more than one partner. And currently, western society *is* hypersexualized. If it weren’t, and we shifted back to collectivism (instead of individualism), then you could stay with one partner for 100 years and be fine lol

A married man can do alot of fvcking without cheating his wife. She might be fine and have good puzzy and DTF. He don't have to be ripping and running around in hedonism.

 

[zekko]

It’s really just when society is hypersexualized do we need more than one partner. And currently, western society *is* hypersexualized. If it weren’t, and we shifted back to collectivism (instead of individualism), then you could stay with one partner for 100 years and be fine lol

True, marriage is not ultimately about sex. It's about survival, family, and partnership.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

@scarface701 have you sat her down and had the uncomfortable conversation? The REALLY uncomfortable conversation? The I’m bored to the point I’m considering a mistress conversation?

It’s going to hurt her. Are you willing to hurt her to be in your truth? Or do you just keep dancing around the elephant in the room that is always there?

Consider this too. Let’s say you get a mistress, whether for a night, a weekend or a multi year relationship. What happens when the mistress expects you to leave the wife? What happens if you catch feelings for the mistress? What happens when your wife discovers your betrayal? I do not judge at all. It’s your life. Nothing good comes out of deception. Nothing. There’s always brothels in NV if you must.

Why not have the uncomfortable conversation? Communicate deeply.

But.

Before you do you must examine exactly in what way you need variety. Do you need her to get made up in heels and lingerie and perfume & surprise you? Do you need her to initiate and give you a BJ when you don’t expect it. Do you take the time to kiss the back of her neck in the kitchen as she does the dishes and seduce her? Do you need her to be more feminine? What exactly are your needs?

I’m asking because you seem pretty vague. Bored people are often boring people. Read that again.

Answer some of that and let’s go from there.

 

[metalwater]

Being starved out of the puzzy means its NOT working.

agree; simple truth. in this case was not like that.

 

[scarface701]

Advice from the old lady:

@scarface701 have you sat her down and had the uncomfortable conversation? The REALLY uncomfortable conversation? The I’m bored to the point I’m considering a mistress conversation?

It’s going to hurt her. Are you willing to hurt her to be in your truth? Or do you just keep dancing around the elephant in the room that is always there?

Consider this too. Let’s say you get a mistress, whether for a night, a weekend or a multi year relationship. What happens when the mistress expects you to leave the wife? What happens if you catch feelings for the mistress? What happens when your wife discovers your betrayal? I do not judge at all. It’s your life. Nothing good comes out of deception. Nothing. There’s always brothels in NV if you must.

Why not have the uncomfortable conversation? Communicate deeply.

But.

Before you do you must examine exactly in what way you need variety. Do you need her to get made up in heels and lingerie and perfume & surprise you? Do you need her to initiate and give you a BJ when you don’t expect it. Do you take the time to kiss the back of her neck in the kitchen as she does the dishes and seduce her? Do you need her to be more feminine? What exactly are your needs?

I’m asking because you seem pretty vague. Bored people are often boring people. Read that again.

Answer some of that and let’s go from there.

Ha ha this is funny...

OK... look... let’s assume for good reason that I can’t explain all the intricacies that have occurred via this forum of my 10 year marriage.

I’ll say this... My wife and I have been through marriage counseling...Yes we had all the uncomfortable conversations....and for the most part marriage has been pretty good since this.

Having said this, I still find that I am not totally fulfilled sexually. It has nothing to do with my wife dressing up in heels or anything else. It’s simply a matter of....I’ve been eating seafood for 10+ years every day and sometimes a steak just sounds nice and different.

I think fundamentally women do not understand this. It seems to be more of a male issue. I have a desire to sleep with other women. Yes I understand the hurt that may come from this. I understand the consequences which is why I haven’t done anything and may not ever... clearly I have to determine if I should break up my family and move out bc I’d like to sleep around or if it is more beneficial for everyone if I just cheat a couple of times a year.... or perhaps I don’t do anything. Perhaps I just suck it up.and never scratch that itch. IDK......???

The point of my post was to perhaps reach out via this forum and see if there was anyone else out there who has successfully scratched that itch while married and feel that they’ve made it work successfully without feeling overly guilty or disrupting their whole life. Did they think it helped their marriage overall or did they feel that it wasn’t worth it in the end?

 

[scarface701]

why would cheating make one feel guilty?

My two cents:
30+ years of one woman is simply unnatural. It is Western society that has this all wrong. Variety is both healthy and necessary for a man. The only choice to throw around here is should or should you not disclose possibility of having Extramarital physical rendezvous to your wife.

should you go down the path of “cheating,” make sure it is physical only (no emotional connection) and no traceable elements are involved (cash during courting, burner phone, etc). Should you not go down the path, continue to enjoy your boring Unnatural existence with the same one woman.

Ha ha you get it. Although I am likely to feel guilty... not at all because I think it’s wrong... I really don’t.... and I’d actually consider letting her sleep around if she wanted to on occasion. The reason for feeling guilty is that she has no desire to sleep around and she is never going to be OK with me sleeping around. So no matter how I look at it, it is disrespecting her.

 

[BeExcellent]

Ha ha this is funny...

OK... look... let’s assume for good reason that I can’t explain all the intricacies that have occurred via this forum of my 10 year marriage.

I’ll say this... My wife and I have been through marriage counseling...Yes we had all the uncomfortable conversations....and for the most part marriage has been pretty good since this.

Having said this, I still find that I am not totally fulfilled sexually. It has nothing to do with my wife dressing up in heels or anything else. It’s simply a matter of....I’ve been eating seafood for 10+ years every day and sometimes a steak just sounds nice and different.

I think fundamentally women do not understand this. It seems to be more of a male issue. I have a desire to sleep with other women. Yes I understand the hurt that may come from this. I understand the consequences which is why I haven’t done anything and may not ever... clearly I have to determine if I should break up my family and move out bc I’d like to sleep around or if it is more beneficial for everyone if I just cheat a couple of times a year.... or perhaps I don’t do anything. Perhaps I just suck it up.and never scratch that itch. IDK......???

The point of my post was to perhaps reach out via this forum and see if there was anyone else out there who has successfully scratched that itch while married and feel that they’ve made it work successfully without feeling overly guilty or disrupting their whole life. Did they think it helped their marriage overall or did they feel that it wasn’t worth it in the end?

Ok thats a fair answer. I was myself married for 15 years to a nightclub owner. We had a great sex life. We were in love and spontaneous and so forth. The marriage failed for other reasons and my story is elsewhere here so I’ll not bore you with the details.

I know three men in a situation like yours. All have been married more than 15 years. One got a long term mistress in another city. His wife found out and after the initial fall out she looks the other way because of their family & lifestyle.

Another cheated for awhile and now after the difficult conversation and his wife catching him they each take lovers openly. She despises him but he is rich and she is vain. She doesn’t want to divorce the lifestyle or be in the gossip pages (they would be in their city).

The third is most like you. Like you he loves his wife and they have an active, if vanilla, sex life. He is the 2nd sexual partner she has ever had. She is a good wife, loves him, is faithful. But also like you he married someone he was not ever “in love” with. He feels the gravity of responsibility toward her. He has never been faithful to her. He cheats openly but lies to her out of his own guilt. She has caught him over and over. He sweet talks her into staying and then cheats again. He is addicted to the conquest. Her self esteem is in the toilet. He doesn’t respect her. He lies, they fight, he cheats, she finds out. They fight some more.

All of these couples who I know personally are utterly miserable. One of these couples is part of my own family. I doubt any will ever divorce although I personally think they all should. Intimacy is ruined and impossible in each of these couples. All remain together due to finances and/or family and appearances. All have done marriage counseling to no avail.

None should have married to begin with. None were really mutually “in love” although in two of the couples the wife was “in love” but the husband was not. Both those unions were due to ultimatums issued by the wife.

The one couple where the man has cheated for the duration has left him lonely and empty. He doesn’t respect his wife who always takes him back and who after many years may divorce him...and he finds chasing skirts endlessly to be meaningless. One guy is 47, one is 49, and one is 56. All are fit and attractive. Each one would have treated the marriage commitment differently if they could have known the toll the outcome of their behavior would take. That it isn’t all fun and it destroys the core marriage relationship.

This in contrast with the many truly happy married couples I know. Your decision is wholly yours. You will live with the consequences, some of which may be unforeseen and unintended. Right now you have a sexual boredom issue. You think you are missing out. A number of the men here advising you are very young (nothing wrong with that) but have never been married or even in a serious enough relationship to think seriously about marriage. They cannot therefore understand that degree of commitment and the vows you take.

Tread carefully and consider things carefully. You potentially have much to lose chasing novelty.

Perhaps talk to a sex therapist. Alone. Explore why you feel as you do. It is deeper than what you present here as you noted.

There are a number of options. Divorce among them if you truly are not in love with your wife...but a marriage has tremendous inertia. Those who have never married cannot grasp that.

And I get that you are tired of seafood day in day out. It becomes your wife’s duty to switch it up and provide variety...because there can exist excitement and variety within a monogamous relationship...but it requires her willingness to undertake the journey.

Get the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, PhD. It certainly wouldn’t hurt & it might give you perspective. It gets into everything you noted in nitty gritty politically incorrect detail.

Best and good luck.

 

[scarface701]

Ok thats a fair answer. I was myself married for 15 years to a nightclub owner. We had a great sex life. We were in love and spontaneous and so forth. The marriage failed for other reasons and my story is elsewhere here so I’ll not bore you with the details.

I know three men in a situation like yours. All have been married more than 15 years. One got a long term mistress in another city. His wife found out and after the initial fall out she looks the other way because of their family & lifestyle.

Another cheated for awhile and now after the difficult conversation and his wife catching him they each take lovers openly. She despises him but he is rich and she is vain. She doesn’t want to divorce the lifestyle or be in the gossip pages (they would be in their city).

The third is most like you. Like you he loves his wife and they have an active, if vanilla, sex life. He is the 2nd sexual partner she has ever had. She is a good wife, loves him, is faithful. But also like you he married someone he was not ever “in love” with. He feels the gravity of responsibility toward her. He has never been faithful to her. He cheats openly but lies to her out of his own guilt. She has caught him over and over. He sweet talks her into staying and then cheats again. He is addicted to the conquest. Her self esteem is in the toilet. He doesn’t respect her. He lies, they fight, he cheats, she finds out. They fight some more.

All of these couples who I know personally are utterly miserable. One of these couples is part of my own family. I doubt any will ever divorce although I personally think they all should. Intimacy is ruined and impossible in each of these couples. All remain together due to finances and/or family and appearances. All have done marriage counseling to no avail.

None should have married to begin with. None were really mutually “in love” although in two of the couples the wife was “in love” but the husband was not. Both those unions were due to ultimatums issued by the wife.

The one couple where the man has cheated for the duration has left him lonely and empty. He doesn’t respect his wife who always takes him back and who after many years may divorce him...and he finds chasing skirts endlessly to be meaningless. One guy is 47, one is 49, and one is 56. All are fit and attractive. Each one would have treated the marriage commitment differently if they could have known the toll the outcome of their behavior would take. That it isn’t all fun and it destroys the core marriage relationship.

This in contrast with the many truly happy married couples I know. Your decision is wholly yours. You will live with the consequences, some of which may be unforeseen and unintended. Right now you have a sexual boredom issue. You think you are missing out. A number of the men here advising you are very young (nothing wrong with that) but have never been married or even in a serious enough relationship to think seriously about marriage. They cannot therefore understand that degree of commitment and the vows you take.

Tread carefully and consider things carefully. You potentially have much to lose chasing novelty.

Perhaps talk to a sex therapist. Alone. Explore why you feel as you do. It is deeper than what you present here as you noted.

There are a number of options. Divorce among them if you truly are not in love with your wife...but a marriage has tremendous inertia. Those who have never married cannot grasp that.

Best and good luck.

Great honest answer. Thank you.

I agree with your assessment. I agree that the outcomes you have witnessed are probably the most common outcomes from cheating.

However, this also begs the question if these outcomes are avoidable. For example, should I lose respect for my wife if she forgives me for cheating... or even allows it under certain conditions...?

I think we are raised with this idea of marriage that is not all that attainable...we are taught sleeping with someone else is wrong. Which inflicts a guilty conscience on the cheater and a feeling of betrayal for the cheated. I don’t feel this is necessary and perhaps society will change these views over time. Having said that.. that is how it is currently. So it’s unlikely I’ll be cheating any time soon.

IMHO I tend to believe we should end one relationship prior to starting another.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Ha ha you get it. Although I am likely to feel guilty... not at all because I think it’s wrong... I really don’t.... and I’d actually consider letting her sleep around if she wanted to on occasion. The reason for feeling guilty is that she has no desire to sleep around and she is never going to be OK with me sleeping around. So no matter how I look at it, it is disrespecting her.

too bad she wasn't willing to sleep around too, then it would just become a marriage between polyamorous people that discovered their true orientation or attraction identities.

 

[BeExcellent]

Great honest answer. Thank you.

I agree with your assessment. I agree that the outcomes you have witnessed are probably the most common outcomes from cheating.

However, this also begs the question if these outcomes are avoidable. For example, should I lose respect for my wife if she forgives me for cheating... or even allows it under certain conditions...?

I think we are raised with this idea of marriage that is not all that attainable...we are taught sleeping with someone else is wrong. Which inflicts a guilty conscience on the cheater and a feeling of betrayal for the cheated. I don’t feel this is necessary and perhaps society will change these views over time. Having said that.. that is how it is currently. So it’s unlikely I’ll be cheating any time soon.

IMHO I tend to believe we should end one relationship prior to starting another.

Get the book I listed. Seriously. Ten or twelve bucks that might really help you by a guy who sees couples like y’all for a living.

I wanted to make one comment. A great marriage is possible. But understand that marriage is between 2 individuals who are dynamic people changing over a lifetime. This means you have 2 moving targets trying to exist in harmony in close proximity. Both people ideally are maturing. But growth isn’t easy and goes in fits & starts. Sleeping with others arrests intimacy in the marriage and erodes trust. Trust is the foundation of a marriage and deep intimacy is the fruit of that trust. Sexual exclusivity fosters that trust and builds intimacy. It is sacred in the Biblical sense for a reason.

Even if you cheat you will know yourself as the betrayer, whether you tell her beforehand or not.

Like Pandora’s box it can never be recaptured. Forgiven? Perhaps but not recaptured.

You have my good will. All the best.

 

[Georgepithyou]

A married man can do alot of fvcking without cheating his wife. She might be fine and have good puzzy and DTF. He don't have to be ripping and running around in hedonism.

Plowing some new poosy isn't suddenly going to make Sex exciting again for OP. Plenty of Couples still have great sex lives for many decades.

Get ur wife and urself into shape, start having sex in different places like the park at night, the beach, change rooms and even the cinema when its dark and nobody is around.

Now that will really spice things up.

 

[metalwater]

interesting situation for you. just proves we really can choose who we want to be.

if you choose to find a side bet, don't pick a girl that is also married, no matter what she tells you. if that doesn't make sense... ask...

most simple thing for you to do and not exactly what your asking.. is to get on a plane and visit one of the several countries that are known for this sort of thing.

a. you will be far from home and never caught unless your really not careful.
b. your physical cost will not be much more than the travel itself and you can hang out for days or weeks... and try out many. you will get more and better sex than.. it is like a candy store. read all about it on the internet.
c. your away on business... wife should never know unless your not careful.
d. NO Strings CAN be attached to you AND you can be very hard to find later for the girls and or handlers so long as you deal in cash.

lots of problems that can find its way to your doorstep if you pick a local girl, and seriously if she is married you can't know just how crazy is that other guy. and.. how crazy is she... do you want her to talk to your wife... or your work...

on the other hand if you pick a married girl... she will be quiet... if the man catches you it can be a one way trip to graveyard... and you can then be responsible for breaking up another family that might have kids....

But seriously... if your woman is good looking, treating you with respect, loyal. think REALLY hard... you will never find what you have again. never. try every other way first.

HTH

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Plowing some new poosy isn't suddenly going to make Sex exciting again for OP. Plenty of Couples still have great sex lives for many decades.

Get ur wife and urself into shape, start having sex in different places like the park at night, the beach, change rooms and even the cinema when its dark and nobody is around.

Now that will really spice things up.

Yessir.

 

[scarface701]

Plowing some new poosy isn't suddenly going to make Sex exciting again for OP. Plenty of Couples still have great sex lives for many decades.

Get ur wife and urself into shape, start having sex in different places like the park at night, the beach, change rooms and even the cinema when its dark and nobody is around.

Now that will really spice things up.

Unfortunately she’s not willing to do anything fun like that.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

She doesn’t seem like she’s an exciting/excitable person from what you’re telling us.

Unfortunately she’s not willing to do anything fun like that.

Wow I wrote the message above this before you posted this comment lol guess I was right hah

I’d actually consider letting her sleep around if she wanted to on occasion. The reason for feeling guilty is that she has no desire to sleep around

Bruhhhhh do NOT ever normalize cuckoldry damn, if you have disregard for her to the point where you don’t care if she sleeps around so long as you do, then you should probably just divorce. Or work the kinks out in the relationship. Preferably the latter, since the courts tend to anally probe you all the way to Mars nowadays...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Unfortunately she’s not willing to do anything fun like that.

Was she willing to earlier with you? What about with other guys before you?

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

in 53 yrs I have learned one important fact and that's the dangers of letting your little head do the thinking, even for a minute. It can lead to a lifetime of problem and regret. You view it as just occasional sex with someone else but its never that easy. The other woman gets attached or you get caught and end up getting divorced and paying alimony or child support for 20 yrs. I know your frustration, I had it too when I was 30 but don't ruin the rest of your life like I did over something stupid like sex.