Current situation

[RicBoy]

I dated a girl for 7 months. Things were going good. Unfortunately I was unemployed, didn't have much going on besides her and she got smothered. A month before we broke up, she offered me a job at her company. She became my boss.
6 months in the relationship I was at her place 5 to 6 times a week with her cooking, cleaning, etc on top of that spending a lot of time together at work. I live with a roomate. So our relationship was around her house.
Eventually with her smothered, telling me so.. Arguments started. In one fight, I pushed her and she took it as domestic violence and kicked me out. I begged and chased for a month and she blocked me everywhere even on her daughter's phone.

One month later of no contact. She unblocked me and reached out. My son was spending Christmas with me (he lives with his mother in another country) and she asked if she could pick him up to spend a night at her place because her daughter and my son her friends. We exchange a few texts, she came to pick the kid and dropped him off. All went well. I asked her for coffee she said no. I didnt see her in this instance, my other ex was at my place (my kid's mom) and handled the exchange with her. I went no contact again.

3 weeks later, she sent me a random msg. Again I asked her for drinks she said no. I ended up arguing with her by text and blowing up her phone, she told me to stop it. I went back to no contact.

2 weeks later she reached out again (again my son was visiting me) asking to pick up the kid. This time I dropped him off at her place per her request. I went over to her doorstep with my son. Her daughter opened the door. My ex didn't want to come to say hi, was hidden in the toilet. I called her from the outside of the house asked if she wanted to come out to say hi, she said "no need".

We exchanged a few cordial msgs, but then we started arguing. I insulted her saying lots of nasty stuff. She showed up at my doorstep unannounced to bring a couple of things my son had left at her place, I opened the door (I hadn't seen her in 3 months), she looked me in the eye and said "I'm done, you send me all these messages threating me, I'm done... You make me sick, I despise you, I never want anything to do with you, you are still the same unstable guy unsafe guy. She got in the car and left. She blocked me again and told me she is seeing someone and wants nothing to do with me ever again.

We have been broken up for 5 months now.

My situation now is, I got a job, a car, back to gym, I got my own place and my son is moving to live with me and start school etc.

Even though I'm now blocked, she will eventually reach out sooner or later asking permission to pick up my kid now and then for playdates especially when he moves here next summer.

I'm in no contact for 3 weeks now.

How to proceed from here?

 

[Ohso-Phresh]

I dated a girl for 7 months. Things were going good. Unfortunately I was unemployed, didn't have much going on besides her and she got smothered. A month before we broke up, she offered me a job at her company. She became my boss.
6 months in the relationship I was at her place 5 to 6 times a week with her cooking, cleaning, etc on top of that spending a lot of time together at work. I live with a roomate. So our relationship was around her house.
Eventually with her smothered, telling me so.. Arguments started. In one fight, I pushed her and she took it as domestic violence and kicked me out. I begged and chased for a month and she blocked me everywhere even on her daughter's phone.

One month later of no contact. She unblocked me and reached out. My son was spending Christmas with me (he lives with his mother in another country) and she asked if she could pick him up to spend a night at her place because her daughter and my son her friends. We exchange a few texts, she came to pick the kid and dropped him off. All went well. I asked her for coffee she said no. I didnt see her in this instance, my other ex was at my place (my kid's mom) and handled the exchange with her. I went no contact again.

3 weeks later, she sent me a random msg. Again I asked her for drinks she said no. I ended up arguing with her by text and blowing up her phone, she told me to stop it. I went back to no contact.

2 weeks later she reached out again (again my son was visiting me) asking to pick up the kid. This time I dropped him off at her place per her request. I went over to her doorstep with my son. Her daughter opened the door. My ex didn't want to come to say hi, was hidden in the toilet. I called her from the outside of the house asked if she wanted to come out to say hi, she said "no need".

We exchanged a few cordial msgs, but then we started arguing. I insulted her saying lots of nasty stuff. She showed up at my doorstep unannounced to bring a couple of things my son had left at her place, I opened the door (I hadn't seen her in 3 months), she looked me in the eye and said "I'm done, you send me all these messages threating me, I'm done... You make me sick, I despise you, I never want anything to do with you, you are still the same unstable guy unsafe guy. She got in the car and left. She blocked me again and told me she is seeing someone and wants nothing to do with me ever again.

We have been broken up for 5 months now.

My situation now is, I got a job, a car, back to gym, I got my own place and my son is moving to live with me and start school etc.

Even though I'm now blocked, she will eventually reach out sooner or later asking permission to pick up my kid now and then for playdates especially when he moves here next summer.

I'm in no contact for 3 weeks now.

How to proceed from here?

She’s done, you’re done. Leave her be. Be cordial with the kids, stay in your lane.

RESPECT HER.

It takes time and a accumulation of no-drama events. She will bait you into irrational arguments, to test you.

The only possibility of having something down the road is if you completely let go and mature your emotional countenance.

She has to be the one chasing. Transform yourself into that man that gets chased.

It’s most likely on a cycle of years not months.

 

[RicBoy]

Thanks you for your reply. Yes you are right about testing me. Last time she came to pick up the kids, I acted cordial and polite but then she said something like "bye bye now with a ironic laugh and hang up the phone. She clearly was testing to see if I was different. And I blew it, called her fat bi*** and she said" do you really think treating me like this will make me run to you? Do you really think this will help your case to see you as a safe guy again? " and then she went about how she will never want anything to do wtih me.

Yeah she will come around sooner or later to pick up the kid and my birthday is in 5 weeks, it will be 2 months no contact, let's see if she reaches out

 

[Baibars]

You must have frame and she must come into YOUR reality not the other way around. She cant be your boss and you shouldnt accept her job offer.
You was at her place 5-6 times a week? Dont you have a own life? You must work on yourself.
You focused to much on her. Focus on yourself.
Ive been through similar things with my ex. I can relate to you but you are 37 years old now. Normally these are the best times in a mans life in many aspects. You shouldnt chase anyone anymore.

 

[RicBoy]

We met all my family. Things were going good. Yeah bro, I had no job, nothing, so she was all I got. Now I got a job, car, my own place in just a few months. I totally smothered her, too much time together... It's gonna be really hard to spin this around, not only she is on a rebound, she sees me as an mental unstable guy, i must have sent 30 emails in one day callkng her bit** lmao. She replied around 10 emails saying bs too..

I know she will come around for the kids tho, let's see if I can act normal and she regains some trust. I ain't breaking no contact

 

[Baibars]

We met all my family. Things were going good. Yeah bro, I had no job, nothing, so she was all I got. Now I got a job, car, my own place in just a few months. I totally smothered her, too much time together... It's gonna be really hard to spin this around, it only she is on a rebound, she sees me as an mental unstable guy, i must have sent 30 emails in one day callkng her bit** lmao. She replied around 10 emails saying bs too..

I know she will come around for the kids tho, let's see if I can act normal and she regains some trust. I ain't breaking no contact

Good but it seems like you still give her too much value. Why do you even talk about her so much and make threads about her? You dont want to admit that she is important to you but i think she is more than its healthy for you mentally.
If that wouldnt be the case you would just work on yourself and you would meet other girls.

You shouldnt wait to get in contact because of your kids and then hope that you fck her again..
Your mindset should be that she is unnecessary but if she asks you to come over because she wants you badly, only then you can consider it but otherwise not.

 

[RicBoy]

Good but it seems like you still give her too much value. Why do you even talk about her so much and make threads about her? You dont want to admit that she is important to you but i think she is more than its healthy for you mentally.
If that wouldnt be the case you would just work on yourself and you would meet other girls.

You shouldnt wait to get in contact because of your kids and then hope that you fck her again..
Your mindset should be that she is unnecessary but if she asks you to come over because she wants you badly, only then you can consider it but otherwise not.

Haha come over, not gonna happen any time soon. She told me wants nothing to do with me, and she is "scared" of me because I begged and chased bombarding her with msgs and insulted her.

In the night we broke up, we had a fight and I pushed her.. Now whenever we talk, last time a month ago, she always plays the victim. Says something along the lines "you attacked me, you disrespected me and my home, I never want anything to do with you, no drinks, no coffees, no hi/byes, I'm only interested that the kids meet up and keep in touch"

It's going to be nearly impossible to spin this around, but let's see like the above poster said, it takes a good amount of time doing the right things, being polite, showing her I'm more calm etc, for her to see me with different eyes

 

[JayAce]

Just gotta keep on keeping on
Keep focusing on yourself and your son
If she reaches out for a play date with your son and her Daughter... it’ll happen
Until then... just keep on keeping on

you did mess up sending all those messages and hounding her a while back. it may take a lot of time to get any sort of frame back, may never happen again with her, but you know what... you’re here now. it’s a lesson either way. as special as you think she is... she’s not. she’s another woman. another person on this planet.

so what you messed up? this is nothing in the grand scheme of life

if she comes back she comes back
if she doesn’t - all good
that’s the mindset you need to have

 

[RicBoy]

Everything went so fast. She was feeling smothered, we were spending a lot of time together at home and work. Then one bug fight, I pushed her and shouted at her. She asked space to think. 5 days later I showed up at her place to talk she freaked out and dumped me. Then all the chasing and begging just made her resent me

 

[RicBoy]

I don't think she will ever forgive me being abusive. After all I pushed her during an argument. And then all the angry msgs and emails begging and chasing for weeks and weeks.

What to do now?

I have apologized to her several times.
Any point after say, 2 or 3 months of no contact to write her something, maybe a letter telling her sorry for the past and that I still care for her and her daughter.? Or this is just beta and makes me look weak and her think I'll never change and be forever stuck on her? I am 1 month no contact now.

 

[Ohso-Phresh]

I don't think she will ever forgive me being abusive. After all I pushed her during an argument. And then all the angry msgs and emails begging and chasing for weeks and weeks.

What to do now?

I have apologized to her several times.
Any point after say, 2 or 3 months of no contact to write her something, maybe a letter telling her sorry for the past and that I still care for her and her daughter.? Or this is just beta and makes me look weak and her think I'll never change and be forever stuck on her? I am 1 month no contact now.

NC means NC. A letter that she will ignore will just restart the clock. You’re looking at a couple years NC.

You FV cked up. You have much work to do.

Focus on meditating daily, breathing exercises, get in shape.

At this point even the kids should have NC. There are no shortcuts. Everything else is your attempt at rationalizing.

Take it like a man and reduce how emotionally reactive you are.

I’ve done NC on 6ish broken ltr’s, all but one came back. The longest was 10yrs of NC to produce the result.

The one that didn’t was abused as a child.

But none of it mattered. I changed, they no longer had an power over me in anyway. It’s one of the most powerful feelings you can feel as a man.

Grow up.

 

[RicBoy]

Yeah man. I guess you're right. After a few months NC all the begging chasing insulting, and even the abusing will be under the rug, it won't matter. It's either she misses me and wants to come back or not. I'm positive she will reach out about the kids soon.

I really need to play it cool, polite etc when she reaches out to set play dates.

Thanks for your answer, very encouraging

 

[RicBoy]

NC means NC. A letter that she will ignore will just restart the clock. You’re looking at a couple years NC.

You FV cked up. You have much work to do.

Focus on meditating daily, breathing exercises, get in shape.

At this point even the kids should have NC. There are no shortcuts. Everything else is your attempt at rationalizing.

Take it like a man and reduce how emotionally reactive you are.

I’ve done NC on 6ish broken ltr’s, all but one came back. The longest was 10yrs of NC to produce the result.

The one that didn’t was abused as a child.

But none of it mattered. I changed, they no longer had an power over me in anyway. It’s one of the most powerful feelings you can feel as a man.

Grow up.

Did you beg chase? I did a lot, even insulted her

 

[RicBoy]

This was the last msg I sent her 1 month ago. She didn't reply. And it was one week after she dropped off my kid after a play date where we exchanged nasty msgs.

I've had time to reflect and think and I wanted you to know how sorry I am and how much I love you.
I wish I could take that night back at your place where I was abusive. Last week, I said things I didn't mean in the heat of the moment because you matter so much to me that you affect me a lot, sometimes I lose control. I'm going to be better about that, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am.

She probably doesn't want to hear my apologies and excuses.. My actions and behaviors time after time were bad.

 

[Ohso-Phresh]

Did you beg chase? I did a lot, even insulted her

No. As soon as they said:

“I think we should be friends” (after months of wild screaming orgasms), I calmly gathering all her things, showed her the door and began NO-CONTACT.

“I can’t do this anymore” (after months of wild screaming orgasms), Ok, let’s talk a bit, snuggle tonight and tomorrow after breakfast I’ll leave. Left and began NO CONTACT.

“I think we should tone it down” (after months of wild screaming orgasms), Ok, talk to you later. Began NO CONTACT.

“I think I met somebody else and want to explore it.”,
Ok, but we’re exclusive,
“I know but it’s just a lunch thing”,
Ok, we should talk about opening up the relationship before you meet with him, otherwise our exclusivity is an inauthentic expression of our relationship. If you go through with this, we’re no longer a couple and I’ll be moving out.
...days pass...
Hey, what’s up, did you two meet?
“Yes”
Ok, (gathering all my things) and moved out.
Began NO CONTACT.

With each, I was also beginning to feel deep ‘feelings’. Each felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. Each felt like I should plead and try to change their mind.

If it gets to overt communication, they’ve already thought about it long and hard.

There’s more variety of how break up’s happen, these were ltr’s but you get the idea.

Yeah, you begged, you chased, you insulted, you were a *****. All boys go through this experience. Some get beyond it and become men.

NO CONTACT creates so much benefit for a man. Figure it out. Grow. Leave your old wussy self behind.

Each of the above, returned emotional, confessed their mistake, begged to start again. But the same water doesn’t flow under the bridge twice. The magic was over, the spell broken, the dreams shattered. This was also communicated up front at the beginning. They understood the consequence of any manipulation.

They never came across a man that kept his word before.

Their respect for me was born from me respecting my needs and establishing clear strong boundaries. My self-esteem grew each time I would allow it to.

The greatest love we can experience is a profound love for our own self-worth tempered by humility. It is only through this love that we can share profound love with the ‘other’ - the eternal Beloved of a thousand faces.

It is such a deep well of gravitas, women flock to it.

 

[RicBoy]

Probably too late for me after begging, insulting her and being abusive.. She probably won't come back no more.

I guess at last, I just keep No contact going forever that's all I can do and better myself. Maybe one day she will look back, maybe not...

It's been a month no contact. In 4 weeks it's my birthday. If she doesn't reach out. I'll just forget all about her.

 

[RicBoy]

Really feeling bad to be honest. I know no contact is the best.. But it just that feeling that you have to do something. To apologize for being abusive one more time, or apologize for acting immature and have insulted her one more time. But I guess it won't change anything. She will just see me as more and more desperate. So hard bro...

 

[bcude]

Now it's time to wake up, forget about her and leave her alone. The only reason she contacts you is because she wants to use your son for her daughters benefit and you're using your son as a bartering and negotiating tool to raise her interest. Is that what a good father does? No it's not.
Nothing you do will change the fact that she's not interested in YOU and there's nothing you can do that will change that.
The line is crossed, it's finished, over.

You take losses in life, you fvcked up, accept that and work on yourself because you still have alot of work to do.
That is what a man does in this situation. Your choice.
You feel bad right now, that's good. Use that feeling as motivation to work on you for the next woman. There's always a next no matter what your mind is telling you. You're a father, think about your son for crying out loud.

 

[RicBoy]

It's just confusing in my head man. One month before we broke up, maybe 2 or 3 weeks she said she was feeling smothered. I take it was because we were working together, she was my boss and I was at her place day and night...then the argument where I was abusive, then all the begging and insulting. I really don't know how all this ended up this way.. But I don't wanna repeat these mistakes again. And to be honest o hope no contact will bring her around. My birthday is on 5 weeks, it will be 2 months no contact by then. I'm hoping she will greet me

 

[oldmanofthesea]

This is so beyond done. You have zero chance with her. Below zero.... it’s in the negatives.

You are going in circles with your posts. In your first post you literally outline what you did wrong and state it in such a way that shows you actually understand. Yet you are now saying you “don’t understand how things got this way.” WTF?! Unemployed, dependent on your woman, not leading your woman, having your woman lead and fund you, taking on the role of a housewife, being needy, being verbally and physically abusive, stalking her repeatedly. You say you don’t want to repeat this. Good. Learn from it but don’t for a moment think you are going to have the chance to repeat or not repeat it with this girl. Your lesson must be applied to future relationships.

I don’t mean to be insulting but this is troll-level stuff. How can you be confused?