Girlfriends ex ****buddy? How to react

[Maxinulm]

Hi,

i met a girl who had a casual fling with a guy i know (not really a close friend). That was before i met her. After i met her i even asked the guy if its ok for him, if i do things with her and he said "just bang, i am sure she likes it too". So i went for it.

Weve dated and now been together for 4 months. The relationship is pretty good so far. The guy was in another country the last few months. My GF told him that she wants to visit him there before we met. But she cancelled it because of our relationship.

So, this guy is back, i havent met him in person. A guy friend who met him told me, that hes talking bad about me behind my back. Hes mad that my gf didnt visit him, even talks bad about the fact that i asked him if its ok to do things with my now GF. He is the "player" kind of guy, that talks a lot, gets some *****, but wasnt able to achieve anything else in life. (2 abandoned studies...) To be honest i think its injured pride that his former fling didnt do stuff with him again. He may think that hes way cooler than me...

She even kissed him in her old relationship, her EXBF saw this and they had some dram. I know this because the guy told me about that before i met her.

So this guy is going to be in my (our) town again soon. And i think the situation could end kind of toxic. I am sure that he will try to hit on my GF or if we meet him together try to flirty touch her...
My GF says we should show a lot of humour in this situation and laugh about it. He sometimes writes her on instagram...

How do you handle such a situation?

 

[Maxinulm]

She wants to keep the connection open for round two, as all ex gfs do.

Four months in and you are exclusive?

Could be.
And yes we are exclusive.

Today she said, that he surely will ask her out sometime for a coffe or something. And if i would be ok if she would meet with him alone. I replied with the question "Is it okay if i meet with angela alone?" Angela (name changed) is a girl i ****ed for a few months before her. I cut contact with her because of the relationship and my gf knows that she is still very interested in me and would jump on my **** the second i ask her for...

But how do i deal with that situation?

 

[2Rocky]

Be of the mindset "She's not your girlfriend, it's just your turn" and you won't be disappointed.

 

[Maxinulm]

What was her reply to the Angela question?

That she wouldnt be ok with it!

Its only kind of strange for me. I know him, hes not a really close friend, but a guy i sometimes meet and have party with. And now this girl is here, he talks behind my back. Normally wouldnt have a problem if she only meets for a coffee. But this constellation is really strange...
Dont want to be that guy that forbids contact, but am not really cool with it.

 

[Maxinulm]

Is she still asking to meet alone with him even though she would not be ok with you and Angela meeting?

Nope. She seems to understand it. I have the impression, that she doesnt want to cause drama with me. ATM she invests a lot in our realationship. But you never know what the future brings.
Even says that she doesnt write him, but that he will surely ask her if hes in town again.

Never know what girls really do. Gotta judge her by her actions, not by what she says.

To be honest he lied a lot to her (about a job he doesnt have, ....) She found out because we talked about him and i said things (unwillingly) that represent the truth and contradict things he told her. And she realized that he lied a lot to her. So he might not be that high in her list anymore. At least she said that shes not cool with him lying to her a lot like this. But....

 

[Maxinulm]

All she knows is that you told her a different story than he told her.

Here's the deal.

Why is she in contact with an ex who is talking $hit about you, who wants to meet up with her, and who lied to her?

Seems pretty fvcking disrespectful to you and the relationship, doesn't it?

Na, that are things, that also others besides me confirmed. She even got some hints from others before me and asked if i know whats true. So its clear that he was talking ****.

But this "Why is she in contact with an ex who is talking $hit about you, who wants to meet up with her, and who lied to her?" is true!!!

Should i tell her that this is really akward or would this be too needy? Or just wait how she handles him now that she knows its not okay for me.

 

[Maxinulm]

Boundaries are never needy.

Presentation of boundaries is important though.

Just ask her, does she feel if those three things I mentioned are disrespectful to you and the relationship?

Her answer tells you everything you need to know about whether she is valuable to keep or not.

Thank you for this insight

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Bro the fact that she’s still talking to a former ****buddy is a big red flag to anyone, and even suggesting to meet with him alone is straight up shady ass behavior. Like, it’s common sense not to do something like that, wut???

Anyway, biggest thing is to not act insecure. You do that, consider your relationship over. Just laugh at him mockingly. If you meet up with him, call him out on his bull****, like “yo, you went ahead and talked **** about me, but yet you had to lie about some job you didn’t have to even get a chick to like you. Not only that, but you failed out of school twice. You’re a LOSER!” Then just proceed to laugh at him like how a bully would to a kid he’s picking on. He’ll feel humiliated, his reputation/ego destroyed, and if people are there to see you do this to him, they’ll think twice before ****ing with you after that.

Like talking **** behind your back, that’s some middle school girl bull**** lol.

But yeah, you also gotta al her out on her bull**** too, or at least let her know what’s up. Like I said, it’s common sense to not meet up with a former ****buddy alone when you’re in a relationship, and the fact she even suggested this is kinda sus...

 

[Glassguy]

This chick is going to meet him if she wants to meet him. She will do it behind your back.

When she asked permission to see him (alone) I would have had serious doubts about being exclusive with her. I would have probably said "sure....go for it" and then found out when Angela wanted to fvck.

That is disrespectful behavior and the worst thing you can do is reward it by essentially doing nothing about it.

Your best bet is to turn her into a plate. Just tell her you would like to keep seeing her but you have some reservations about things getting so serious so quickly AND her having thoughts about hanging out with this guy.

Put yourself first. You know in your gut this was disrespectful of her to even ask and you know damn well she might see him behind your back.

She hasnt submitted because she doesnt see your value high enough yet.

Turn her into a plate, show her that you can walk away and get laid at a moments notice and your value will go up.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Whether it's 1920 or 2020, a man needs to set clear bounderies if he's exclusive with a woman.

Otherwise, it would be like starting a new job and you don't know what expectations or main responsiblities are. Some women NEED to hear this, plus it sets you up as the leader who will walk if the aforementioned boundaries are not respected. You have standards and are not a chump.

I think you should tell her exactly what you think about the whole meet up with ex-f*uck buddy thing, but be calm, confident, assertive, and CLEAR. Then, finish by saying some guys might be cool with it but you're not and you understand if it won't work for her. You MUST be ready to walk if she hesitates, argues, or disagrees.

@Glassguy is correct in that she'll see him whether you like it or not, if she wants to. But by setting boundaries, at least she'll know she voided the relationship by putting her needs ahead of the betternent of the realtionship, which should be a 100% deal breaker, for me anyway. Basically, you're laying out the rope she can use to hang herself. See if she does, or not, and you'll know for sure if she's LTR or gf material.

The alternative is you do nothing and "watch" her behavior and go to bed every night wondering if your gf is f*ucking some other guy. NOTHING is worth that.

Let us know how it turns out.

Good luck.

 

[Prettyboy Dee]

I agree with my boy glass, I would turn her into a plate, I understand that you like her and that's cool but sometimes with certain women your better off just being friends that have sex with eachother from time to time. Y'all can talk, hang out, fvck ect you dont have to treat her like a trashy slvt but just dont make her your offical girlfriend which you already have.

Every girl you date is going to have former fvck buddies and other guys that had her before you so that in itself is a moot issue here, and who gives a sh!t what he thinks.

The fact that she even asked if it was ok for her to meet with him should tell you all you need to know, but guess what? It doesnt even matter because she will do whatever she wants behind your back, not because of her character but because that's just people in general.

At this point, who gives a sh!t, shes your girlfriend now and you should just have fun with her as much as you can until it's over. "Its not yours, "it's just your turn"

If you cant handle the baggage that comes from a situation like this then exit the equation and just keep her as a plate.

No reason to think any deeper than what I wrote.

 

[Dash Riprock]

I used to think this way, but now the alternative is just to dump her because the evidence will be so overwhelming when her guard is down. In the past, yes I was too weak to dump just over ambiguous assumptions but now it's different. Setting boundaries isn't worth the trade-off of sending her thot behavior deep cover mode

Don't you think it's better to give her rope to hang herself, though? There's an off-chance she may be a keeper. Plus, he has 4 mos in with her. I'd say at least give her a chance to f*uck it up rather than simply dump.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

She wants to keep the connection open for round two, as all ex gfs do.

Four months in and you are exclusive?

If a woman is in contact with any man, I downgrade to booty call.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Agree with everything you said, but I want to focus on this statement.

Yes she will meet him if she wants to. But she needs to know that she has crossed a boundary in doing so.

If not, then she will lay the "but is was just as friends" and the "you don't trust me" line.

Don't go down that road. Block that $hit before it happens and lay the cards out now.

48 laws of power. Demonstrate. Don't explicate.

It should be expressed or need to be.Any guy contact with means downgrade to booty call.

 

[lizardking82]

If you were an experienced guy and things came naturally to you, you would not even really consider this one for a relationship. She would be a plate at most.

Someone else mentioned it above, 4 months in and you're exclusive? I mean, I gave it about 6 months with my current girlfriend (been there since 2 years) before we became exclusive and she was absolutely on top notch behaviour, I cannot even fathom or imagine her talking to an ex (cause she only had 1 LOL).

I mean, so many red flags you guys just ignore like it's totally normal for her to keep in touch with an ex **** buddy. You don't even need to make a thread about this one, this should be common sense to you or anyone normal.

And you're saying she invests a lot in the relationship right now, what is she investing other than sex?

 

[Maxinulm]

Whether it's 1920 or 2020, a man needs to set clear bounderies if he's exclusive with a woman.

Otherwise, it would be like starting a new job and you don't know what expectations or main responsiblities are. Some women NEED to hear this, plus it sets you up as the leader who will walk if the aforementioned boundaries are not respected. You have standards and are not a chump.

I think you should tell her exactly what you think about the whole meet up with ex-f*uck buddy thing, but be calm, confident, assertive, and CLEAR. Then, finish by saying some guys might be cool with it but you're not and you understand if it won't work for her. You MUST be ready to walk if she hesitates, argues, or disagrees.

@Glassguy is correct in that she'll see him whether you like it or not, if she wants to. But by setting boundaries, at least she'll know she voided the relationship by putting her needs ahead of the betternent of the realtionship, which should be a 100% deal breaker, for me anyway. Basically, you're laying out the rope she can use to hang herself. See if she does, or not, and you'll know for sure if she's LTR or gf material.

The alternative is you do nothing and "watch" her behavior and go to bed every night wondering if your gf is f*ucking some other guy. NOTHING is worth that.

Let us know how it turns out.

Good luck.

Thank you all for your Input!!!!

1. I talked to her about that today. Told her that having personal contact to him (meeting...) is a boundary i cant see to be crossed.
Here she told me, that shes totally ok with that. She also said that my example with angela meeting angela made it clear for her, that this is taboo. (yes, why do you need this example...). And she told me that she needs a man to set boundaries in her relationship. Her ExBF didnt do that and they had a lot af arguments because of that. And that she asked to be given a guidelines to follow.

2. Also asked her if it shows respect for me and the relationship if she has contact so someone who talks sh$t behind my back , lies und is her (former) ****buddy.
She didnt argue about that at all and said that this is disrespectful.

So i set the rules the game has got to be played with. She seems!! to accept them. I now turn down my investment and will have a look in the next few weeks how things turn out. The guy will be in town soon and i am sure he will try something. If I hear or see anything that is against these rules i will escape her.

Yes she ultimately does what she wants anyway, but the rules are set and she can eather accept these rules or willingly get kicked.

If she crosses this line, what is the best way to handle that?
1. Ghost immediately without saying anything(no punani anymore)
2. Make her into a plate (still some punani, but not really a hard punishment on crossing these boundaries)
3. Saying that she crossed the line and no contact after that.
3. Saying that she crossed a line, let the relationship go on but giving a **** about if she sees me f$cking other chicks. F$ck her girlfriends...

To clear some things up, that could be understood wrong:
-We date for like 6 Months and are in a relationship for 4 months of these 6 months now
-What does she invest so far: Sex, she invites me over to her appartment and cooks meals for me, prepares breakfast nearly every morning we sleept together, wants me to get to know her parents, cancelled her planned holiday that involved meeting the guy abroad (without me asking for it)

 

[Maxinulm]

I was right and they were dead wrong lol

You said that setting boundaries sets the girl into undercover mode?! Am i right? But some girls seem to desperately search for a man to set boundaries?!?

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

If she crosses the line, then tell her that you’re still willing to see her, but only for sex. Then just go out and **** other women lol

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

You said that setting boundaries sets the girl into undercover mode?! Am i right? But some girls seem to desperately search for a man to set boundaries?!?

It’s not that they like boundaries so much as it is the dominance of being put in their place.

 

[Maxinulm]

It’s not that they like boundaries so much as it is the dominance of being put in their place.

Its funny, that we talked about something like that today, too. That she needs to be put in her place from time to time.